What happened in the Child-Free Not By Choice board?

zou bisou · May 2013

I've been lurking on other boards. What happened on this one? It's almost completely empty except for a couple posts. A poster mentions that they decided to leave after some things were said to them. That is heartbreaking. We went through a lot to have our first child, and for a time I grieved that CFNBC was our story. I thought a lot about what life was going to be like in that reality. I'm imagining awful things being said to them and it ticks me off. But maybe that's not what happened. Does anyone know?

SarahDavis83 · May 2013

Where are you lurking? And what are they saying? And who are they? There are a few people that have gotten offended because of the honesty of some people on this board. Frankly, I appreciate honesty, and prefer to get a straight answer out of people. Not just puppies and rainbows... But maybe that's just me...

zou bisou · May 2013

It's this board.

This is what I'm referring to:

up, Becky is correct, due to things that have been said to the CFNBC Ladies, we have moved off board.

SarahDavis83 · May 2013

zou bisou:
It's this board.
This is what I'm referring to:
up, Becky is correct, due to things that have been said to the CFNBC Ladies, we have moved off board.

I personally have no idea what you're referring to. Or what they are referring to.

I get that you're talking about this board. I'm asking which boards you're lurking on and seeing these things.

zou bisou · May 2013

My fault. I phrased it wrong. I've only seen this mentioned as I described above. Not mentioned on any other board besides that one.

aessary03 · May 2013

It's empty? Seems fairly active to me. I have no clue what you're talking about.

xconf143usionx · May 2013

SarahDavis83:
Where are you lurking? And what are they saying? And who are they? There are a few people that have gotten offended because of the honesty of some people on this board. Frankly, I appreciate honesty, and prefer to get a straight answer out of people. Not just puppies and rainbows... But maybe that's just me...

Unfortunatly, as far as I know, that is what happend. They started a facebook group because people were being incredibly rude to them

As for the above, I'm pretty sure this is a misunderstanding and you are in fact reffering to Dec 13 (THIS board) and not CFNBC.

If you're reffering to Dec 13, then stop reading here. I 110% agree with you. There are some really ignorant b*ches on this particular board.

If you are referring to CFNBC (again, pretty sure you're not), then I'm apauled you would say something like that. Those women have been treated with such disrespect and cruelty when I they wanted was a safe place to talk about their feelings. There's only four posts up, but at least two of them contain some jerwad saying stupid insensitive crap about a subject she can't possibly know anything about. These women know that it's not all "puppies and rainbows" better than anyone on this site. After everything they've been through and all the heartache they've suffered they at least deserve a safe place. And the selfish ignorant twatwaffles on the rest of this site stole that from them.

ETA: Just figured it out. OP, maybe repeat the title at the top of your post. People on mobile can only see the first few words in the title, and I think that is the cause for the confusion.

aessary03 · May 2013

Loolaide:
I'm on mobile but I'm assuming your saying that people on cfnbc have moved and the board is empty because of what people have said?

Yeah if you take the filter off and look at older posts you'll see what she's talking about. People go onto that board and say asinine things that are very hurtful to the ladies there. They probably moved to the gbcn board on pro boards.

I was confused. I'm mobile so I can't see the complete title. I thought this bmb was what she was referring to. My bad!

happywifemomofone · May 2013

CFNBC moved of the bump to a private FB group. They, possibly rightfully so, thought that others were gawking at their misfortune. Oftentimes, someone would post looking for support....get a few answers from members, but he posts would have like hundreds of views. I understand their point of view, but was sad to see them leave TB.....because I often think that the high quantity of views was directly related to their journeys and others genuinely caring about what they have been through-and are going through. When you have been on TB for a long time, others look around to see how you are doing-whether they are a member of that group or not. I know that the IF vets has often felt the same way, and now also has a private FB group. Anyone CFNBC can join the group by posting on the CFNBC board and being invited by a member to the FB group.

zou bisou · May 2013

Gosh darn, now I'm mad all over again. I can't understand who would be that awful. Loolaide, I'm hesitating on removing the date filter and seeing what exactly went down. I might have to come back with torches and angry villagers.

zou bisou · May 2013

happywifemomofone:
CFNBC moved of the bump to a private FB group. They, possibly rightfully so, thought that others were gawking at their misfortune. Oftentimes, someone would post looking for support....get a few answers from members, but he posts would have like hundreds of views. I understand their point of view, but was sad to see them leave TB.....because I often think that the high quantity of views was directly related to their journeys and others genuinely caring about what they have been through-and are going through. When you have been on TB for a long time, others look around to see how you are doing-whether they are a member of that group or not. I know that the IF vets has often felt the same way, and now also has a private FB group. Anyone CFNBC can join the group by posting on the CFNBC board and being invited by a member to the FB group.

I was typing when you posted this. I see, that explains it a little more. I guess I can see that from both sides. After all I was lurking too, and I would've been one more viewer. I'd post supportive answers, but is there a way to hide your signature? The pg tickers are probably like salt in a wound.

SarahDavis83 · May 2013

xconf143usionx:
SarahDavis83:
Where are you lurking? And what are they saying? And who are they? There are a few people that have gotten offended because of the honesty of some people on this board. Frankly, I appreciate honesty, and prefer to get a straight answer out of people. Not just puppies and rainbows... But maybe that's just me...
Unfortunatly, as far as I know, that is what happend. They started a facebook group because people were being incredibly rude to them
As for the above, I'm pretty sure this is a misunderstanding and you are in fact reffering to Dec 13 (THIS board) and not CFNBC.
If you're reffering to Dec 13, then stop reading here. I 110% agree with you. There are some really ignorant b*ches on this particular board.
If you are referring to CFNBC (again, pretty sure you're not), then I'm apauled you would say something like that. Those women have been treated with such disrespect and cruelty when I they wanted was a safe place to talk about their feelings. There's only four posts up, but at least two of them contain some jerwad saying stupid insensitive crap about a subject she can't possibly know anything about. These women know that it's not all "puppies and rainbows" better than anyone on this site. After everything they've been through and all the heartache they've suffered they at least deserve a safe place. And the selfish ignorant twatwaffles on the rest of this site stole that from them.
ETA: Just figured it out. OP, maybe repeat the title at the top of your post. People on mobile can only see the first few words in the title, and I think that is the cause for the confusion.

I had no idea what board she was referring to. The post was confusing. I thought she was referring to THIS board.

PurpleIris30 · May 2013

In addition to a lot of lurking, there were also a lot of cruel, intentionally hurtful posts, and there were also unintentionally hurtful posts by people thinking they were "helping" by giving these stories of hope or telling them not to give up (just relax, my friend was told she couldn't have children and BAM, etc.) -- not getting that the board was supposed to be for people that had made the transition to living a child-free life and needed a community of support for emotionally coming to peace with the process.

zou bisou · May 2013

ColeRose:
TBH anytime I saw someone post something who was not CFNBC it did not go over well. I remember there was even a post about lurkers and a few lurkers chimed in and it just wasn't good. I think of it like the TTCAL board which I was on for a short time. No way would I want people responding to my posts who weren't part of the board, or past members, even if it is with good intentions.
Like I said, it is these women's safe place...or it should be.

That makes sense that they need a place free from all the reminders. Do you think it's the same scenario on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board? I've thought about responding, but it's ticker thing that holds me back. And now I think it might be better not to risk causing hurt unintentionally.

xconf143usionx · May 2013

SarahDavis83:
xconf143usionx:
SarahDavis83:
Where are you lurking? And what are they saying? And who are they? There are a few people that have gotten offended because of the honesty of some people on this board. Frankly, I appreciate honesty, and prefer to get a straight answer out of people. Not just puppies and rainbows... But maybe that's just me...
Unfortunatly, as far as I know, that is what happend. They started a facebook group because people were being incredibly rude to them
As for the above, I'm pretty sure this is a misunderstanding and you are in fact reffering to Dec 13 (THIS board) and not CFNBC.
If you're reffering to Dec 13, then stop reading here. I 110% agree with you. There are some really ignorant b*ches on this particular board.
If you are referring to CFNBC (again, pretty sure you're not), then I'm apauled you would say something like that. Those women have been treated with such disrespect and cruelty when I they wanted was a safe place to talk about their feelings. There's only four posts up, but at least two of them contain some jerwad saying stupid insensitive crap about a subject she can't possibly know anything about. These women know that it's not all "puppies and rainbows" better than anyone on this site. After everything they've been through and all the heartache they've suffered they at least deserve a safe place. And the selfish ignorant twatwaffles on the rest of this site stole that from them.
ETA: Just figured it out. OP, maybe repeat the title at the top of your post. People on mobile can only see the first few words in the title, and I think that is the cause for the confusion.
I had no idea what board she was referring to. The post was confusing. I thought she was referring to THIS board.

I gotcha. Don't worry. I tried to make it really clear that I was super confused as well. And I'm with you about this board (dec 13) I have seen so much stupid in the past couple weeks I think I may explode. Hopefully all the idiots will get the hint that we don't like them and will leave. I've seen enough flaming to burn down a city. So hopefully that gets the point across.

Again, no hard feelings whatsoever. I had a feeling you were talking about this board, but I couldn't let it slide in case you weren't. I always try to stand up for everyone on the IF and loss boards (I'm a part of PGAL and PGAIF)

zou bisou · May 2013

ColeRose:
PurpleIris30:
In addition to a lot of lurking, there were also a lot of cruel, intentionally hurtful posts, and there were also unintentionally hurtful posts by people thinking they were "helping" by giving these stories of hope or telling them not to give up (just relax, my friend was told she couldn't have children and BAM, etc.) -- not getting that the board was supposed to be for people that had made the transition to living a child-free life and needed a community of support for emotionally coming to peace with the process.
All of this, Zou what kinds of supportive posts would you have given them? I'm afraid it would be like the above.

I dunno. People ask about what others experienced medically, emotionally. Or they ask for prayer. But I def don't want to cause more hurt. I think I'll sit it out.

xconf143usionx · May 2013

zou bisou:
ColeRose:
TBH anytime I saw someone post something who was not CFNBC it did not go over well. I remember there was even a post about lurkers and a few lurkers chimed in and it just wasn't good. I think of it like the TTCAL board which I was on for a short time. No way would I want people responding to my posts who weren't part of the board, or past members, even if it is with good intentions.
Like I said, it is these women's safe place...or it should be.
That makes sense that they need a place free from all the reminders. Do you think it's the same scenario on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board? I've thought about responding, but it's ticker thing that holds me back. And now I think it might be better not to risk causing hurt unintentionally.

DO NOT post on the MC/PL board or TTCAL unless you have an obviously valid reason and adequite ticker warnings. PGAL is fine if you've had a loss (obviously) but not if you haven't. And PAL is fine to ask questions about after baby is born (obviously). The loss board (different than MC/PL) has check ins for peope in various stages of moving on after loss, so I would assume it's fine to post there if you are currently PGAL or PAL.

Long story short, it is not okay to post on any loss boards if you haven't had a loss. You have no experience, and it will not go over well. Likewise with the IF boards if you've never expereinced IF. And stick to the board that fits your life right now. i.e. you can't be a regular on TTCAL if you're pregnant, and if you post, make 100% sure what you are saying in legitimatly helpful, based on your OWN expereince (not you friend, or your sister, or your mailman), and put up ticker warnings both in the title and body of the post.

I would honestly entirely skip posting on TTCAL, MC/PL, IF, IF vets, 2IF, or CFNBC if you are currently pregnant. It will still hurt them, and unless you were a regular on the board before you got pregnant, they will not be prone to want to hear about your pregnany. If they are looking for success stories, they will seek them out on their own. Don't bring one to them.

zou bisou · May 2013

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm pretty sure you guys stopped me from being a jerk instead of a blessing.

molisar · May 2013

Yeah, that's sad they had to leave, but totally understandable. I'll never forget when I was on the Pregnancy Loss/Miscarriage board, this dumb a$$ came on telling how she got KU and her sister just had a M/C, and wanted advise on what to say because the baby was a mistake.

Naturally she got majorly flamed, then her even stupider BF came on and said we all deserved our losses because we were so rude, it was karma.

It's a shame when boards, especially ones for people that just need some support, get the trash to come in.

xconf143usionx · May 2013

molisar:
Yeah, that's sad they had to leave, but totally understandable. I'll never forget when I was on the Pregnancy Loss/Miscarriage board, this dumb a$$ came on telling how she got KU and her sister just had a M/C, and wanted advise on what to say because the baby was a mistake.
Naturally she got majorly flamed, then her even stupider BF came on and said we all deserved our losses because we were so rude, it was karma.
It's a shame when boards, especially ones for people that just need some support, get the trash to come in.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. People treat the loss and IF ladies like crap and then get all pissed off when we retaliate. I don't get how people don't realise that were not a zoo or an FAQ, and we don't want to hear about your flucking success story or your perfectly healthy Oops Baby. There was one lady on that posted on PGAL recently saying that she'd had a m/c and she's now 12 weeks in another pregnancy (so she's completely out of the woods right?) and all we had to do was "stay away from whomever of whatever caused our miscarrage" Um...since over 80% of miscarrages are caused by chromasomal abnormalities, that's pretty much impossible. What, does she think we all drank rat poison and had someone punch us in the stomach last time?

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