Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

Joint legal question re: dr appts

kirbearkirbear member
in Blended Families

Question regarding joint legal custody.  My xh and I have joint legal.  I have physical and he sees her about 1 hour per week (his choice- he forfeits about 80 hours per month).  He lives around the corner.  BD never comes to school events/teacher conferences.  And never comes to any medical appointments, despite the fact that DD has several medical conditions that require specialists. I always notify him of appointments in advance.  Many times he ignores, other times he will say "oh I can't make it" in which case I will ask him if he has any questions for the doctor. He never does.  I email him or text how the appointment went afterwards and let him know any new treatments, tests, meds, follow ups etc... I typically get no response.  If I ask him to call me to discuss something- he doesn't.  He avoids all medical talk.

After this past appointment I texted him with a new diagnosis (minor)  and his reply was "great--more problems".  That was it.  This really irritated me.  First of all- he barely spends any time with her.  He does not feed her.  He doesn't take her to dr, pick up meds, deal with insurance co, have to administer meds, miss work, help her emotionally deal, or anything.  Her medical issues do not affect him at all.  And second of all- I do not view dd's medical conditions as "problems".  They are part of her and part of being a parent.  And, compared to what some children deal with-- we are blessed.  This got me thinking....

If he knows about an appointment is it up to him to follow up and ask about how it went or do I have to follow up with him? I'm sick of taking the time and he ignores it and never responds or even remembers the info (he doesn't even remember names of her diagnosis, meds etc)   In our CO it just says to notify him of illness.  So if I notify him of her appointment, can I wait for him to ask about it rather than taking the time and updating him and being ignored or receiving rude comments in response?  I have years of documentation showing my attempts to involve him and update him and his lack of response.  

Thanks :) 

Kirsten DD 4-7-06
Report Reply to Post

Re: Joint legal question re: dr appts

  • mccall0113mccall0113 member
    personally i would notify about appointments and new diagnoses.  he can call doctor for more info
    Trying to Conceive Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • kirbearkirbear member

    Thank you for the replies.  I feel the same but wanted to be sure that I wasn't being unfair.  Of course if he contacted me and asked more information I'd be happy to fill him in further and he's always welcome to attend appts or call the dr himself.

     

    Thanks Again 

    Kirsten DD 4-7-06
    Report Reply
  • twister22twister22 member
    Like PPs mentioned, I would notify of appointments and new diagnosis. Honestly, I would see if he's willing to give up joint legal so you don't have to deal with this BS. If he shows no interest I think it's ridiculous to have to notify him every appointment she goes to (it sounds like she goes to a lot?) I can understand an update of "DD has X diagnosis now. As always, you can contact me or Dr. X for any questions." but I think it's it's silly to waste your time when he clearly doesn't care, ykwim?
    image
    Report Reply
  • bebe11bebe11 member

    I would probably just flat out ask him (in writing of course) if he wanted to be notified of any future appointments. Or like PP said, see if he is willing to give up his legal rights? 

    I personally would probably not tell him of appointments, and just tell him if anything new resulted from the appts.

     

    Report Reply
  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    imagetwister22:
    Like PPs mentioned, I would notify of appointments and new diagnosis. Honestly, I would see if he's willing to give up joint legal so you don't have to deal with this BS. If he shows no interest I think it's ridiculous to have to notify him every appointment she goes to (it sounds like she goes to a lot?) I can understand an update of "DD has X diagnosis now. As always, you can contact me or Dr. X for any questions." but I think it's it's silly to waste your time when he clearly doesn't care, ykwim?

    ^^ This. Continue to notify him so that if it ever comes up later, you can show that you have always given him notice of appointments and diagnosis.

    Regarding the bolded:  Would BD be willing to have a stipulation put into the CO that still allows him to have joint legal but gives you full control on medical care? The language in my CO is something like, "Mother and Father to share joint legal custody, with Mother having full decision making power regarding medical care.  Father must be notified of any medical care children receive within 24 hours".  I only suggest it because some Doctors/Specialists might require both of you to sign off on care (so they can avoid getting sued by the other parent later) and if BD isn't involved it may be difficult to get him to sign paperwork. 

    image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools



    Report Reply
  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member

    I think at this point you can give him the bare minimum.  If he is giving up his visitation time and not attending any doctor appointments or school activities he has given up his joint legal status.  If you have documentation of him being notified of these events over a long period of time and not making any attempt to be involved or attend you could win full legal custody in court.  Anyways it doesn't sound like he would ever take the money and time to fight you in court.

    And just wondering does he have a serious girlfriend?  My theory is when a serious GF comes into the picture they tend to push the dad's to be more involved for a variety of reasons including control and money issues.

    Report Reply
  • kirbearkirbear member
    Thanks for the tip about the stipulation that is in your CO.  I like that idea!
    Kirsten DD 4-7-06
    Report Reply
  • kirbearkirbear member

    Thanks for the input. 

    And yes- he's been in a relationship for a few years and actually it's gone the opposite.  Since this S.O (they are rumored to be engaged but he has never told dd) came into the picture he has pretty much stepped out of dd's life.  Like clockwork-- he started dating her and that month was the last month he ever took an overnight visit!  And he does not bring dd around his GF/FI at all.  She met her a few times but has not seen her at all in 2+ years!  It's a really strange situation. Like he lives 2 totally separate lives!!

    Kirsten DD 4-7-06
    Report Reply
  • katie_cjkatie_cj member

    I would start a google calendar with her appointments and give him access. That way it's his prerogative wether he's going to check or not. Like you said, you have plenty of documentation regarding his indifference.

    You can also add a google document to summarize the appointment.

     I have sole legal, but I'm to keep my ex in "the know". I put all of DS appointments and activities in the calendar and leave it at that. Granted, we are getting along much better these days, so I tend to text him more.  

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"