NEED ADVICE Telling a Friend who is doing IVF that I'm pregnant

angiek1 · May 2013

I'm So thrilled that my second pregnancy came easier to my husband and I than the first pregnancy. Our first pregnancy we TTC for a year and finally got pregnant. This time we only had to try for a 3 months .

One of my best friends is struggling to conceive. She was told by doctors that it'll be very difficult for her and they've been TTC for a year+ with shots, etc. (not sure the exact name not quite IVF but that is their next step.) The big kicker is a year ago they got accidentally pregnant and then she miscarried and then found out she has stage 3 endometriosis (SP??). The whole thing has been really hard on her.

I am literally a hot minute pregnant and I'm not exactly ready to share my news yet, but next weekend she and I are going on a mini-vacation together with 2 more gal pals. Do I try and hide my pregnancy during this trip? I'll be honest the cocktails will be flowing... so I'll have to be smart... Or should I tell her before we go on this trip so she can process? Oh and this trip is to celebrate her 31st b-day...

People who've been on both sides how should I tell her? Phone call? In person? in a letter so she can process alone w/o worry about my feelings?

Thanks!!

moosegal · May 2013

Lurking from Feb. I would not tell her before or during the celebration, especially since it's her birthday. Are you BF? Can you use that as a reason for not drinking? When you do tell her, I'd recommend via email so she has time to process alone. Congrats on your pg!

angiek1 · May 2013

No we aren't BF at this point...

jobiann · May 2013

I had two m/c before finally having DS, and I've been surrounded by pregnant friends during those times and while pregnant with DS I had a friend who experienced a loss so I've been on both sides.

I would say open communication is best since she is one of your best friends. I'd just call her up and ask to get together (before the trip) and just tell her that you were not sure if you should or shouldn't tell her this because of her history of fertility problems but you wanted to be up front with her because you know it may be difficult for her.

I just think trying to hide it, or telling her in front of all your other friends may not be the right thing to do. I have also heard people suggest telling them via an email so they can process it how they want. But if she is truly one of your closest friends I'd skip the impersonal step and just be there so you can share a hug and/or the tears.

kelly0connor0213 · May 2013

I myself couldn't get pregnant naturally. Luckily, I was successful after my first iUI. But, I was that girl for a year. All my friends were pregnant. Yes,, it does hurt. You wish it was you. But if she's a great friend she'll support you 100%. I think I would be hurt more if my friend didn't tell me. I'd want to be part of the happiness.

I have a friend who sneezes next to her husband and gets pregnant. She's on number 4. I'd love her kiddos like they are my own. When I did get pregnant she was my biggest fan and support system. Be there for each other. That's the best way to go.

OhBaby+2013 · May 2013

jobiann:
I had two m/c before finally having DS, and I've been surrounded by pregnant friends during those times and while pregnant with DS I had a friend who experienced a loss so I've been on both sides.
I would say open communication is best since she is one of your best friends. I'd just call her up and ask to get together (before the trip) and just tell her that you were not sure if you should or shouldn't tell her this because of her history of fertility problems but you wanted to be up front with her because you know it may be difficult for her.
I just think trying to hide it, or telling her in front of all your other friends may not be the right thing to do. I have also heard people suggest telling them via an email so they can process it how they want. But if she is truly one of your closest friends I'd skip the impersonal step and just be there so you can share a hug and/or the tears.

This. Get together before and explain how much you care about her and that you didn't want her special weekend to be about you and that you completely understand how she might need some time to process. She is less likely yo be hurt if you are just honest and genuine from the start.

lafayettegirl · May 2013

As someone who has walked in your friend's shoes for several years, I would opt for open communication before the trip.

It was always hard to hear of friends' pregnancies, but I always appreciated the honest, one-on-one communication from someone who recognized how hard it was for me to get the news.

I agree with a pp who said to call her and get together before the trip. Tell her that you wanted to be honest with her and you wanted to give her time to process the info before the big trip. It sounds like she will be one of the first to know, so tell her that.

It may be hard and she may not be able to express her happiness for your news, but she will be grateful that you took the time with her and that you recognize that this news needed to be shared in a special way. And, in her own time, she will be very happy for you and the new baby you are expecting.

Good luck!

jobiann · May 2013

Oh, and congrats on #2! I don't think I could do it, actually/honestly we are almost thinking of 1 and done!

mreinke8289 · May 2013

I have no experience in this area but I think this broadcast would be helpful. Disclaimer; Dr Dobson isn't my favorite person, and obviously the discussion is from a Chriatian perspective. It is an interview of 3 women and their infertility and miscarriage journeys. I distinctly remember one woman talking about her SIL getting pregnant and 'singling' her out to tell her and how she felt about it. Sorry not clicky. On mobile.

This is Day 1:
https://www.drjamesdobson.org/Broadcasts/Broadcast?i=6d4a2561303d4b948f70bf8653199c5c

Day 2:
https://www.drjamesdobson.org/Broadcasts/Broadcast?i=330b2c5f9e7f46e5b857657a88e82dce

zonagirlie · May 2013

Tell her when you tell others. Treating her differently would make me feel badly. I hated being treated like I was made of glass. I never beget someone else's happiness over a pregnancy even when I was in my own sadness. She may need time to process so don't force yourself on her. But don't hide it.

drpayne · May 2013

Email. It seems impersonal but it gives her time to process in private. She'll probably be happy for you but sad for herself and you don't want to put her on the spot. Don't hide it. She'll find out later and be more hurt.

wootownlady · May 2013

So I've been in your shoes twice and her shoes for about 2 years. With each of my babies (the past 2 years), I had a friend who I see every single day, who is older and has been going through breast cancer treatment adn the treatment-associated infertility - and cannot have babies right now (maybe not ever) despite the fact that's all she wants in the world. I had infertility problems and had to have an IUI to get pregnant with my DD, so I know what she's feeling too.

I think that because this is your second baby and you recently gave birth - go with the casual, understated email. With the first baby, everyone is wildly excited and the in person communication would be recommended. Since you just had a baby, I would say, send her a quick email before the trip (like now) and just mention it but don't apologize for it, or make a big fuss about it. Something like "Hey, I'm really excited to go on vacay with you and celebrate your birthday - it's going to be a blast - and I'm buying the first round! Unfortunately I won't be sharing in the drinks this time though, as Hubby and I just found out we're expecting. (((((I would avoid saying "again" or "#2" or "a brother/sister for X" - all of these are just words that scream "i can get pregnant and you can't!" to her))))). It's really early, so we're not really telling people yet, but I wanted you to know. (((Don't say why you want her to know - or explain))).

Email will let her cry/scream/swear in private, and allow her to prepare her "i'm happy for you" face and reaction when you guys see each other in person. She'll have gotten over the news, and be prepared to have fun with you!

angiek1 · May 2013

Thanks everyone for the advice!! This helps a ton!

chefsteph · May 2013

YAY WELCOME TO THE CLUB. So excited not to be the only one lol. I wouldn't tell her during your trip, and you could maybe blame low tolerance for not drinking. I haven't been drinking for weeks and I don't think anyone is noticing because they are used to me not drinking. I agree with the email thing, but I also wouldn't tell her right after your trip. I wuld go by your normal time frame. Ooo I am so excited for you!

erkie · May 2013

chefsteph:
YAY WELCOME TO THE CLUB. So excited not to be the only one lol. I wouldn't tell her during your trip, and you could maybe blame low tolerance for not drinking. I haven't been drinking for weeks and I don't think anyone is noticing because they are used to me not drinking. I agree with the email thing, but I also wouldn't tell her right after your trip. I wuld go by your normal time frame. Ooo I am so excited for you!

So, I'm thinking this was meant for the Jan 2014 board. She said she has been trying for 3 months, and I just don't think there is any way a J13 momma has been trying to get KTFU for 3 months. Sorry Steph!

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