How do/will you tell the story? (Long, with questions)

liz4paws · May 2013

I'll set this up by saying that we are in the process of adopting five embryos in an open adoption where we will know our donors and they will know us. We live in different states but we all want to be open with our children about the situation, in age appropriate terms.

Last night our donor completed the psychological informational session required for her to donate embryos to us. She said it went well, and much of the discussion was geared around how to tell the story of this embryo adoption to the children involved. This includes her existing four children as well as any children resulting from these five embryos we are adopting.

I remember a similar discussion when we went in for our psychological consult session last year. We mainly talked about the importance of transparency of their origins with any of our resulting children. We loved the idea using the term "baby seed" to keep it age appropriate without getting too birds-and-bees. Since that session, the basic gist of the storyline we had planned to tell our kids would be:

Mommies and daddies grow babies from baby seeds. Sometimes mommies and daddies can use their own baby seeds, and sometimes they need a little help from other families. We needed a little help, but we were lucky enough to have a wonderful family share their baby seeds with us so we could grow our family which resulted in....you! We are extra lucky because you are loved by two families!

Pretty basic, but we recognize that it's really important that we use the same story and the same terminology with all of the kids to keep it consistent, especially if they ever want to meet one another. So I'm looking to you all to share how you've chosen to share your child(ren)'s embryo adoption story.

Here are some of my specific questions, and many of these may apply even if you're not pursuing DEmbryos, and are doing DE or DS.

What term do/will you use to refer to the donors to your children?

What term do/will you use when you discuss with adults?

(If applicable) What term do you call the relationship between genetic siblings born to the two different families?

Is it a different term for children than to adults?

What type of story dialog have/will you used around your child's origins?

(If applicable) What story did/will your donor tell their children and in what terms?

How and when did/will you introduce the story to the children?

(If applicable) How/when did your donor introduce the story to her children?

I look forward to reading about your experience with this! The donor and I plan to put quite a bit of thought into it and to have some good ongoing discussions and we'd love to hear how you've handled it, or plan to handle it.

firesiren · May 2013

Liz,

I think about this a lot. Sometimes I wonder how my child will handle it. I get scared that my child will feel like something is missing. I plan to be open and completely truthful about the reasons we used a sperm donor. I hope my child will know how much they were wanted and how many nights I cried myself to sleep because I was trying so hard to get them. While some children aren't planned or wanted, mine will know what a blessing they are. No matter how I get them.

Our therapist said 8-9 years old was a good age to have the discussion about their conception. Sooo, I guess that's the plan. Hopefully we get to use it.

LittleLady77 · May 2013

I have done a ton or research on this. I believe in an open and honest birth story for the kid(s). I want any children we have to grow up knowing their story. Secrets in relationships are toxic and the kids finding out down the road will be a negative, life changing event. I believe that if I'm not ashamed of this then the kids won't be either.

I will use age appropriate terminology as they grow, maybe start with seed and then move to egg and sperm down the road. I think our kids will dictate how that goes. We will not show them the donor profile or videos of the donor until they expressively ask and we feel they are mature enough to handle it. There are tons of tools out there to help with this, books and movies. We will use some tools and just make it an ongoing conversation with our kids driven by their questions. I'm not sure you can really make an exact plan.

As far as telling other adults, our situation is a bit different. We are currently filming a doc-sieries about egg donation so anyone with access to google will be able to find out about our story. I believe I will also have to maintain a public facebook page were people can communicate with us about the show (so weird). We have decide to just come out, try to educate people and be open and honest. I'm not going to wear a t shirt that says I used an egg donor or anything but if it comes up we will tell people.

LittleLady77 · May 2013

firesiren:
Our therapist said 8-9 years old was a good age to have the discussion about their conception. Sooo, I guess that's the plan. Hopefully we get to use it.

Firesiren, you might want to do some research on this. There are literally hundreds or article out there that say growing up knowing is preferable to sitting them down and telling them once they hit some arbitrary age. Of course, it's different for everyone and you need to make the decision for yourself but I'm really surprised a therapist would tell you this when all the research in the profession points to a different direction.

firesiren · May 2013

LittleLady77:
firesiren:
Our therapist said 8-9 years old was a good age to have the discussion about their conception. Sooo, I guess that's the plan. Hopefully we get to use it.
Firesiren, you might want to do some research on this. There are literally hundreds or article out there that say growing up knowing is preferable to sitting them down and telling them once they hit some arbitrary age. Of course, it's different for everyone and you need to make the decision for yourself but I'm really surprised a therapist would tell you this when all the research in the profession points to a different direction.

It was the therapist our RE sent us to. I'm not surprised the info is wrong. It seems to be their trend. I'm not too worried about it as I doubt I'll ever get to use it. It's nice to dream though. Thanks for the input.

liz4paws · May 2013

firesiren:
LittleLady77:
firesiren:
Our therapist said 8-9 years old was a good age to have the discussion about their conception. Sooo, I guess that's the plan. Hopefully we get to use it.
Firesiren, you might want to do some research on this. There are literally hundreds or article out there that say growing up knowing is preferable to sitting them down and telling them once they hit some arbitrary age. Of course, it's different for everyone and you need to make the decision for yourself but I'm really surprised a therapist would tell you this when all the research in the profession points to a different direction.
It was the therapist our RE sent us to. I'm not surprised the info is wrong. It seems to be their trend. I'm not too worried about it as I doubt I'll ever get to use it. It's nice to dream though. Thanks for the input.

Aww, don't give up hope yet. Your story will be full of love and determination, no doubt. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better, I hate how much you hurt. Sending you giant hugs.

firesiren · May 2013

((HUGS)) back. I'm really doing much better, just frustrated at moments. And please know I'm cheering you on. I cannot wait for you to get your frosties! I'm so excited!<---- weird, I know, but I really want it to work for you!

LittleLady77 · May 2013

firesiren:
LittleLady77:
firesiren:
Our therapist said 8-9 years old was a good age to have the discussion about their conception. Sooo, I guess that's the plan. Hopefully we get to use it.
Firesiren, you might want to do some research on this. There are literally hundreds or article out there that say growing up knowing is preferable to sitting them down and telling them once they hit some arbitrary age. Of course, it's different for everyone and you need to make the decision for yourself but I'm really surprised a therapist would tell you this when all the research in the profession points to a different direction.
It was the therapist our RE sent us to. I'm not surprised the info is wrong. It seems to be their trend. I'm not too worried about it as I doubt I'll ever get to use it. It's nice to dream though. Thanks for the input.

((hugs)) I wish I could say something to make it better.

LittleLady77 · May 2013

strudel82:
Regarding telling people, I believe that it's our daughters' story to tell. I've said before that we think of it as private, not secret, and tell if it's relevant.

I love this and this issue was my biggest concern with the documentary we are doing. If we weren't doing it I would also follow this path.

LittleLady77 · May 2013

moonaggie:
As for the doc-series on egg donation - I would love to see this! Please let us know when we can see the final product!

Thanks Moonaggie. We are normally very private people and I NEVER envisioned myself on a "reality" TV show!!! They just started filming everything in January so I assume it won't come out for a while but I'll let you know once it's done. It's called "Egg Factor". Here is the article I found that lead to my involvement in the show: https://www.advocate.com/commentary/2012/10/26/unscrambling-myths-behind-egg-donation

melkel559 · May 2013

First of all, huge hugs Firesiren. I can just imagine the pain you are feeling right now but I am definitely not giving up hope for you!!!!

And Liz, I am so excited for you as well!!!! These embabies have to be IT!!

So, we plan to use the seed story or something along those lines as well. Everything I have read has also suggested the earlier you can disclose this to the child, the better. My parents also had some good advice for me on this since I am adopted. They were also advised, even way back when 32 years ago, to start explaining our story to me as young as possible. I clearly remember some of the books my mom read to me as a child that were based on adoption. I grew up knowing this about myself, it was my normal, so nothing ever seemed off to me. This is what we want for our child as well. We will be telling our close family members and friends that we used a donor and will say that they can feel open to tell others in the family or in our social circle as well, and we will be open about it if people ask us. I understand some views about waiting for the child to disclose the info at their discretion, this option is just not for us. I feel like it would have been too much of a responsibility to explain to people myself that I am adopted and I would have felt like I'd be hiding this huge secret if I didn't. I grew up with everyone knowing I was adopted and that created normalcy in my life. Everyone has their own views and opinions, that's just my personal take on it based on my experience.

These decisions are tough and sharing these types of stories with our children may not be the plan that some of us have always hoped for. What I do know is this: biological or not, all of our children are going to be loved more deeply than they can ever know and it is love that ties a family together, not blood.

LittleLady77 · May 2013

The Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M Auel are the best books I've ever read.

ebdubbed · May 2013

Awesome questions, Liz! I think about this all the time and love seeing other people's perspectives.

strudel82:
Regarding telling people, I believe that it's our daughters' story to tell. I've said before that we think of it as private, not secret, and tell if it's relevant.

This! I never thought about the distinction between private and secret but I love this. We have only told our parents, siblings and my closest friend and her husband. Other than that, no one else will know unless and until our children want to share. In this day and age, I know our children will go to school with lots of kids conceived with help but if they don't feel comfortable "outing" themselves, neither will we.

The other thing that's important to us is making sure that our children never have a moment in time where they learn they came from donor eggs. I was once told that children should never have a before and after; there shouldn't be a time before they knew and another one after they knew. I think others have said the same thing here - we'll start telling them early, even before they really understand what it means, just so it's always a natural part of our dialogue with them. I think the baby seed concept is great! The therapist we saw said that you shouldn't use the word "egg" because kids have a very different idea of what eggs are. She suggested using "ova" but I thought that was crap since no kid is going to get their head around that word.

We are using an anonymous donor and have no intention of making contact with her at any point. If our children decide when they are older that they would like to, we certainly wouldn't stop them but I honestly hope they don't want to. We have her pictures and profile printed out should anyone want to see it but I would like that to be enough. Again, nothing I can do about that though. I think we would refer to her as the helper until the kids are old enough to understand donor. Right now, between the two of us, we call her "our girl".

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings · May 2013

My children are from donor embryos and have researched a lot on topic. Everything we have read so far says to make the story just part of who they are. As PP said, there is no before / after. It just was always "known" . Its best not to wait to wait to tell the story at X age, but for the story to just always be part of their everyday knowledge. "Big Reveals" seem to cause the most hurt and most questions and confusion for the children. If the knowledge is just part of life, kids take it in stride and just accept it.

What term do/will you use to refer to the donors to your children? We call them "helpers". Mommy and Daddy needed helpers to have a baby and we were so very blessed that several people helped us to have you.

What term do/will you use when you discuss with adults? As PP mentioned, there is a difference between secret and private. We consider this private information that is OK to share on an as needed basis and prefer for the kids to share if they are comfortable as it is their story.

How and when did/will you introduce the story to the children? I began telling the kids when I was pg about how special they were. I talked to them in utero and have continued to randomly tell the story whenever I think of it. There is no "schedule" to share this knowledge. Usually it is at night, rocking them to sleep, I tell a version of how they came to be. I have a couple of children books that I have read to them. The books are just part of our rotation of books in our library along with Goodnight Moon and The Hungry Catepillar. I don't have a "script". I just repeat the basics and tell them how much we love them and wanted them and just talk / share my thoughts at the time. Its from the heart and full of love and warmth. Kids are too young yet to talk / ask questions, but we will answer them honestly in age appropriate terms / language when the time comes.

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings · May 2013

This is an EXCELLENT video to watch from the American Fertilty Organization on this topic.

A mom talks about how she handled telling her children that an egg donor was used. The WOW! part is that her teenage daughter participates in the video and shares her perspective on growing up knowing she came from an egg donor. It is such a positive, warm, relaxed, sometimes funny video to watch and the loving respectful mom/daughter relationship is just neat to see.

https://www.theafa.org/article/mommy-whats-a-donor-how-to-talk-to-your-egg-donor-child/