Does anyone else feel like they just suck at this?

shaindelr · May 2013

Hey, Ladies,

I guess I'm having a pity party, and I'm sorry, but you've always been there for me. Bear with me while I "type-vomit" for a bit. I feel like parenting is about fifty-rage-induced heart attacks a day for me, and like I'm good at everything in my life except for this.

Last weekend, I went away to an "edit in" where we read a memoirist's book-length manuscript and made comments on it Friday and Saturday, and then discussed it on Sunday. Her book is about her raising 32 total biological, foster, and adopted children and how she saved the lives of the ones she could and about the few she couldn't save (the ones who still went on to be addicts, etc.)... She basically said that since she had these abusive parents, she thought she lived her life this way to prove to her mom that it wasn't that hard to be a good parent and that she could do it again and again, etc. (It's an amazing book, by the way, and she's an amazing person).

I guess I feel like the opposite. I had these abusive parents and never wanted to have kids because I was afraid I couldn't handle it. Then, I did years of therapy, and I thought I could handle it, and Jared is a mostly SAHD, and I feel like the one day a week I'm alone with Liam is going to make me crazy.

This morning everything went wrong, so I went to cry in the shower and was so mad I punched the shower wall out of frustration. I honestly might have broken my hand but can type thanks to Percocet. YAY!

I don't get how I can be so bad at this. I mean, my second book came out earlier this year, I feel great because Susie (the student I did the fundraising for) went on to have her life-saving surgery that was just in the news, https://www.local12.com/content/medical_edge/story/First-Female-With-Rare-Condition-Gets-LVAD-Heart/8Rp4ZUGp8k2UibXk3ILiiA.cspx and everyone at work is all, "You're such an inspiration, you helped save her life." I guess I feel like I do all of these things to be a person who makes a difference in the world -- writing books for children in war-torn countries, doing fundraisers for people who need them, etc., etc. and I'm just a sh*tty parent the one day a week that I'm with my own child.

Jared already talked to his job about changing his Saturday schedule, which I'm so grateful for... but I wish it didn't have to be like this.

I honestly feel better after typing this. I'm tempted to erase it, but I'll leave it in case someone else needs to read it in order to not feel alone.

If you're out there, please start an "It Gets Better" campaign for moms of two year-olds Smile

LadyXaverian · May 2013

Ack. I have so much I want to say, but I don't want to come across as condescending in any way.

Ok, bullet points...

- You're not a perfect mother. No one is. That's ok.

- Toddlers are awesomely infuriating. The ultimate test of parenting (until the teen years). I feel like "I Will Survive" should be our theme song!

- Stop comparing your success in other areas to your success as a parent. You've been those other things for much, much longer than you've been a parent.

- You're the only and best mother Liam has, and you're enough.

- It gets better, or so everyone tells me, and I believe them.

Serious question: Do you still see a therapist?

I hope your hand is ok. Creepy zombie internet hug. Left Hug Right Hug

shaindelr · May 2013

SarahL77:
Ack. I have so much I want to say, but I don't want to come across as condescending in any way.
Ok, bullet points...
- You're not a perfect mother. No one is. That's ok.
- Toddlers are awesomely infuriating. The ultimate test of parenting (until the teen years). I feel like "I Will Survive" should be our theme song!
- Stop comparing your success in other areas to your success as a parent. You've been those other things for much, much longer than you've been a parent.
- You're the only and best mother Liam has, and you're enough.
- It gets better, or so everyone tells me, and I believe them.
Serious question: Do you still see a therapist?
I hope your hand is ok. Creepy zombie internet hug.

Thank you for your bullet points, all of them...

I feel much, much better after venting all that...and after reading your response. And, I found Liam's long-lost Yoda toothbrush in the couch cushions just now! :-) (In case you're grossed out, I got him a new toothbrush after this one had gone missing, so now he has two.) So, things are looking up.

I haven't been to therapy since right after Liam was born when we had a "check in" to see how I was doing... I've thought of going back, but I might want to see a new therapist for a few reasons...

I feel like I'm okay when I really consciously work on things, like planning ahead everything Liam and I are going to do and when I'm reading books like the Buddhism for Mothers things, and I shouldn't compare myself to other moms, but it just feels like everyone else just DOES this stuff magically :-( and I'm all listing plans and coping skills, etc. But I guess realistically if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.

We're going to do some TinyGrads sing-alongs before bed-time... Thanks so much.

LadyXaverian · May 2013

You're more real about what's going on than most people. Do some people find mothering natural and easy? Yes, I think so. Do some people fakebook their way through the early years? I'm almost positive that they do. Facebook and Pinterest and the media in general have turned us into momsters.

LadyXaverian · May 2013

CTGirl30:
Listen, I'm sure this comes easy peasy to some. For the rest of us (honest, candid, HUMAN) moms? We all have our bad days.
Some women come into this gig with a little more baggage and struggles than others do. If you had an abusive background, then yes, it is one of those challenges to overcome because you are also learning what it means to be a parent as you go since you didn't have a healthy model of it to begin with. Some people have wonderful support systems, surrounded by ILs and extended family to help take the stress off of childrearing. My H and I do not have that - so that is our challenge. We haven't had more than 1 single night alone as a couple since DD arrived (and that one night was when she was 4 months old). It's hard for all of us in different ways, I guess is what I am saying. Everyone is facing challenging aspects and let's be honest - 2 yr olds can try even the most stoic mothers.
We all love our kids. This goes without saying. But we all also have days where they make us cry, trigger our tempers, and make us question if we are indeed, good enough parents.
Like Sarah said above, you are the only and best mother for Liam. See if you can arrange for a new therapist, if it will help you work through some of these questions and strengthen those coping skills if you need to. The very fact that you are planning / making lists / being proactive tells me you are a great mom - you care enough to be trying and questioning and being brave in your honesty.

I love this response. I was going to cut out some parts to highlight what I love most, but I love all of it, so I left the whole thing.

shaindelr · May 2013

buffaluffagus:
Both of these women said what I was thinking very eloquently, but if it's any consolation my daughter screamed for LITERALLY 2 hours straight tonight. I think she maybe took 2-3 breaks to ask me for water, or to mention Yo Gabba Gabba. I'm not talking shrieking, or playfully yelling, or talking loudly. She screamed loud, angry screams.
At one point, I begged her to shut the fluck up. I'm not proud, but I did.
Now, am I going to post that short story on Facebook? Absolutely not. Does that mean I'm a bad mom? Mayyyybe... but probably not.
We'll get through this, and one day when they are packing their crappy Honda and heading off to college we'll ache for them to be two again. And now my pregnancy hormones are acting up and I'm sobbing. The end.

Thank you for posting this... Thank you :-)

ITGurl0626 · May 2013

(((Hugs))))

Shaindel,

I never wanted children for almost the same reasons as you. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive parents. I projected my feelings of my childhood on to other kids & on the thought of having kids of my own. I took the plunge just like you & had a baby.

With that being said, I have had my moments where I have lost it & yelled at Giselle. Not proud of myself for it. I question myself all the time & am so afraid of making the same mistakes my parents did.

You are a good mom - plain & simple. Don't be so hard on yourself, we're not perfect. Right Hug

Twirple · May 2013

Hi Shaindel,

I think there are times when everyone feels like they are a lousy parent. I have always wanted kids. Growing up, I was always considered to be good with kids. I even spent a summer working at a montessori school with 2.5 to 6 year olds. The fact is, parenting is HARD! I have yelled at Chase to shut up when everything seemed to be going wrong and he would not stop crying. I hated myself at that moment.

There are times when I just don't want to read the same book to him for the 4th time in a row, even though I love reading my favorite books over and over again. There are times when I just can't figure out how to entertain him, and I am thankful that I get to drop him off at daycare so that they can entertain him for the day.

It is not always like that. I love to sing to, read to, and play with my son, and it gets easier as he gets older, but I miss my adult time. I miss being selfish. And I know it is only going to get harder when this next little one comes.

The fact that you make lists and plan out what to do, does not make you a bad mother. It makes you a mother who is honest about what you can do without preparation, and is trying to work around it. Keep your chin up and a smile on your face. It will all work out in the end.

siajara · May 2013

So last week DH, who is a SAHD, went away for five days on a little vacation to the other side of the country. So I went from full time working mom, to SAHM/single parent literally overnight. SIL came up for 3 days to help out (which turned out to probably just make it harder, but I digress)... anyway, about 1.5 days into being a SAHM/single parent I was in tears, DD was in tears, and I felt like the worst parent ever & that I was totally sucking at being a parent.

In some ways, Shaindel, I think that having one day where Jared isn't there at all is the worst situation - I know I suffered 'whiplash' from the extreme change, and you are getting it every week for one day. I had to make plans of outings we were going to do, plan each meal very carefully, and let DD watch more tv then she usually does so I could make those meals. And I know that I slept during every nap she took because I was so freaking tired from being on her 100%. Toddlers are amazing, fun little people who are helping you plant a garden and then 2 minutes later are frustrating, horrifying little people who are ripping all the plants you just planted out while laughing and jumping up and down and hitting you over the head with a shovel.

I am in therapy too to manage some of my frustrations and one of the key things my therapist said is to just not engage in the rage-inducing/frustrating experiences. For me, that means telling DD that I need to change her diaper and she can't come out of her room until I do. But I don't change her until she accepts it (since otherwise she was thrashing, hitting, and causing my frustration level to climb sky high). So yes, it means she might be in a dirty diaper for longer, but so far it has worked - I just sit in her doorway (or close the door if she takes to hitting me like she did this morning) and check in every now and then with her as to whether I can change her diaper yet. Eventually she relents and then we go on with our day.

So hugs! It is completely overwhelming at times.

kje120 · May 2013

There are definitely days where I feel like I suck at this. I know without a doubt that I am not cut out to be a SAHM. I love my son with every fiber of my being, but there are days that he drives me absolutely crazy.

You are not alone and you are not a bad parent. None of us are perfect and we are all just doing the best that we can. (((hugs)))

2u2wow · May 2013

HUGS! you are NOT alone in this. 2 year olds SUCK sometimes...

here's mine!

i was meant to be a mom, i had 2 little brothers, lots of family friends with kids and i started babysitting when i was 11. i LOVED kids growing up and all i wanted in life was to be a mom and stay at home mom.

i am now a SAHM and have 2 kids...lifes perfect - right?!

not...i mean do love staying home with them and glad i can be the one to do the day to day instead of daycare and DH is happy with that too but MY GOD...some days i want to put DS1 in the basement and lock the door! he tests me so much and loves getting a rise out of me. i try so hard to stay calm but sometimes lose my mind and yell. i hate yelling - my dad used to yell and it was awful. i'm learning SO much from him and what works and what doesn't.

throw in a newborn in the mix and life is crazy some days! i went for a drive around my town for 2 hours one day just to get out. it was too cold to play outside and DS1's toys weren't fun for him anymore that day apparently so we just drove around until lunch time and naps.

there is no right way to do this or else we'd all be doing it the same way, we have to just 'survive' until they're no longer toddlers and then they'll be teenagers and then move out and we'll miss these days when we get to cuddle and hug for 5 seconds at a time until they find something better to do...

hang in there and know you are absolutely not alone and we are all there with you.

i must say though that i have a few friends who are completely dillusional and make their lives seem so perfect and their kids are so great and never act out and always play along and...blah blah blah. they're LIARS

have a great wednesday and i hope you can find a little peace in knowing we're with you!

SandiaPinaMama · May 2013

1. You are amazing. Do not forget that.

2. I'll echo PPs: this shiit is hard.

3. Personally, I am terrified to be alone with my children right now. Tonight I had to do dinner and bedtime alone. It struck fear into my heart.

Hugs, lady! I'm sure it gets better.

brienne00 · May 2013

I haven't posted here in a very long time, or even kept up by lurking in all honesty. But, I read your post and remember you from the days when we were all asking silly first tri questions and dreaming of holding our babies. And I remember you always being there for everyone else. So even though Im mostly just a lurker, I just wanted to say that,

A. you are not alone. I think we all loose it at times, and we all handle that in different ways. You might punch a wall, I cry and withdraw.

B. The fact that you have the wherewithal to acknowledge that your actions are not the way you want to act, and the fact that you want to be better, proves to me that you are NOT "bad at this". Maybe all you need is some guidance from someone who has been there, or to talk to a therapist again to work through it. That doesn't make you bad, that makes you good. Responsible. Caring. NORMAL. We all suck at being moms some days. We make up for it though with the really good days. You're doing great mama.

shaindelr · May 2013

brienne00:
I haven't posted here in a very long time, or even kept up by lurking in all honesty. But, I read your post and remember you from the days when we were all asking silly first tri questions and dreaming of holding our babies. And I remember you always being there for everyone else. So even though Im mostly just a lurker, I just wanted to say that,
A. you are not alone. I think we all loose it at times, and we all handle that in different ways. You might punch a wall, I cry and withdraw.
B. The fact that you have the wherewithal to acknowledge that your actions are not the way you want to act, and the fact that you want to be better, proves to me that you are NOT "bad at this". Maybe all you need is some guidance from someone who has been there, or to talk to a therapist again to work through it. That doesn't make you bad, that makes you good. Responsible. Caring. NORMAL. We all suck at being moms some days. We make up for it though with the really good days. You're doing great mama.

Awww... Thanks!

Kougl Wife to Be! · May 2013

Oh babe,
I hear you on this. I also get so frustrated. Words of encouragement. "Everything is just a phase" I say this to myself everyday, sometimes more than once a day. Things will change in another 6 months and then 6 months and then 6 months. Its so a trying time. I do hear that the 4-11 year old years are the best and I'm excited for that time as well. I have to pick out the best part of my day and sometimes that is when DD says Night Night, or asks to help with supper, or for petes sake just plays on her own for 5 minutes. Sometimes I just put "Nemo" on and give myself 10 minutes of peace (because thats all she will watch!).

On a lighter note, with the beast of a 2 year old i'm having right now, I do have a 6 month old that is as chill as can be and is so good letting his sister be all over the place. So someday I venture to say, in another year, I will have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. God Help me as well as you!

You are the best parent you can be, do not look back on yesterday, always look forward to tomorrow, that is all that you can change and make better for you and your family!

Kougl Wife to Be! · May 2013

oh this same note.....Does anyone else feel like some of these mom's are all put together, look good and can keep their life together. I feel like when someone looks at me with my two kids that they think...wow, she needs to pull it together, she is falling apart...anyone else feel that way?

kndeckar · May 2013

I'm not a regular on this board, but I do have an April 2011 baby, and I have to say this is the best, most awesome honest thread I've ever read on TB! I feel much better now about my meltdowns I have from time to time the fact that I am still scared to death of having another baby all my friends seem to be cruising right along to baby 2.
Thanks everybody!!

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