In a funk... job and adoption related (long)

2moms2b · May 2013

So I know I don't post much anymore between the boys, work and general life now but I didn't feel comfortable venting anywhere else.

I am in a funk. A big one. I am feeling such pressure right now (put on by myself not by M or anyone else) to find a new job. One that pays what I am capable/qualified to make. Again M totally supports whatever decision I make and tells me we will make it work like we always do.

So basically my choice is cut as much as we can to make my job today work but know we have to watch every penny or have a job that allows us more financial freedom but possibly miss out on time with the boys. I officially hate money and everything tied to it. Like even thinking about it makes me physically sick to my stomach so I guess that is why I needed to vent it here.

A second part of my vent is Second Parent Adoption. We are very fortunate to have that option available but that said it makes my flucking blood boil that we even have to go through it. I mean we have to pay thousands of dollars to make it official that M is the boys parent even though she was at every doctors appointment, there at time of conception, stood beside me my entire pregnancy and has been so involved in the boys life since the day they were born. To be honest she actually probably does more with them than I do and the thought they could be taken away from her in the event something happened to me, well I don't want to think about that. She is their mom, their other parent. She would be devastated and the boys life irrevocably altered. They are definitely her boys. What's a bigger slap in the face to M is once she adopts the boys she still cannot be placed on the birth certificate. That option is currently working it's way through state legislature but today it's not an option. I just find the entire process insulting and revolting. Again I am very thankful it's an option but holy cow, I cannot tell you how many hoops we have jumped through to even get this close only to have another road block hurled at us that sidelines us. (See TTT for details). She told me last night after our meeting with the lawyer it doesn't matter to her if we have to delay it but I can tell it broke her heart and mine. After three years of emotional turmoil of ttc and being finally blessed with our boys, I just want one thing to go right or one thing to be easy.

I know it's not healthy placing all this pressure on myself when my wife is so amazing she will stand beside whatever decision I make. I just can't help but feel like I am letting the three of them down.

I know people are struggling with much bigger things than my struggles so I want to really apologize if any of this seems insensitive as that is not at all my desire. I just really appreciate if anyone read this far. I just needed to get that out.

MaryanneN · May 2013

I am so glad you shared. I hear your struggle. Each of us will struggle with things one time or another. You sound like me: I keep everything in until I want to burst.

It sounds like u just need to talk your partner. She sounds wonderful.

Keep venting. I know I have already.

Manada · May 2013

Wow - I am so so so sorry that you're under all this stress at a time when you are also still new to having your boys at home with you guys.

I must say, every time I read about new moms going back to work within the first few months of their babies' lives I feel incredibly grateful for the system of maternity leave we have here. In Canada we're entitled to 4 months Maternity leave + 8 months of parental leave at 65% of our gross salaries (This applies ONLY if you're working full-time in a job, it doesn't apply if you're self-employed, work part-time, or aren't working when the baby is born). It's not a perfect system, but at least it's something, and for us - if H. ends up being our birth parent, at least I would be entitled to take some parental leave to spend time with our LO. I'm completely in awe of the things you're managing between working and parenting -- it's ALOT!

That's some really big stuff you guys are dealing with. Second-parent adoption is a big one too. We wouldn't have to do a Second-parent adoption here in Ontario for our LOs, but we are planning to do it anyway - just for the additional security. I'm sorry that the system there is being so difficult to navigate.

I have no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you're doing really well, and that being worried sounds like exactly what I would be doing (if not a bit worse!).... It's a lot that you're managing right now, and it sounds like you're doing it pretty good so far - even if it feels like you're not.

trisholio · May 2013

First I want to say that things are difficult for you right now. I can understand putting so much pressure on yourself, I do that same thing. My only advice is to try and breathe and take some time for yourself to relax. I know that is so much easier said than done. We do a lot of pros and cons list when it comes to important decisions. Also know that no matter what decision you make you have a wonderful wife that supports you.

Best of luck to you and feel free to vent anytime :-)

JoySeattle · May 2013

Glad you feel you can vent here. ((((HUGS))))

lbugher · May 2013

My partner and I always said we chose freedom over money with our jobs. Technically, we're not in low-paying jobs... but it would be impossible to support a family of 3 and maintain our lifestyle on one income. I wish I could stay home with our baby for the first year (my job permits me to do that and maintain my seniority - though I'd only be paid for 12 weeks). And *maybe* we could swing it for those 9 months if we reduced our spending drastically. Daycare and work-life balance are something we're struggling to figure out, too. I want to ask my mom for help but I don't want her to feel pressured into doing it. Plus she lives an hour away so we'd have to figure something out...

But more than anything, I wish I could just stay home with our kids I don't want to miss out on all the "firsts" you know?

As for the second-parent adoption thing... what a nightmare! I know this is something we're going to have to endure as well. Wishing you luck with everything!

2moms2b · May 2013

Thank you so much ladies! things seem to be looking up. I have a couple of interviews in different fields that I am actually really excited about. One is even higher up the totem pole than I even realized I was qualified for (as it is in another industry).

M and I had a really long discussion last night so I am feeling a little less stressed. Sorry I didn't respond yesterday as I was so emotionally exhausted then work blew up.

Thank you again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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