Handling BC for your teenager

mkarns · May 2013

The post below got me thinking. I'll have "The Talk" with my son early on...Probably around 12, depending on his maturity level. I'll continue to talk to him and ask him to be open with me.

Here's my question to my fellow moms:

Will you offer (or just do it without offering) to purchase BC for your son or daughter? Even if they deny having sex, will you give them a "just in case" stash? Is this promoting early sexual activity and telling them you're okay with it, or is it just a preventative measure.

I don't want to wait until it's too late, but I also don't want my son thinking it's ok to have sex at a young age.

What say ye, 212?

AshleyAnthony2B · May 2013

My MIL started putting condoms in the boys' stocking at like 12. Which i think is a little excessive, but I think I will go the route of making it available as a precaution, regardless of what they tell me, and I hope i raise wise enough children that, even if they feel they cannot be honest with me, they will do the right thing

Jeanine88 · May 2013

This is such a tough question! I have no idea. I was raised Catholic and that we should wait for marriage, but my mom got my on BC when I had a serious BF at 19 and she bought condoms for my brother when he went to college. In my family, there are a lot of double standards where it's ok for the boy but not the girl to have sex.I think we will create an environment that is open and if we think he's having sex, we'll make sure he is using protection.

Ahhh I think I'm stressed now as a parent with nap times and milestones- I can't imagine being the parent of a teenager!

ETA- wait for marriage, not before. Whoops. Duh.

AshleyAnthony2B · May 2013

Jeanine88:

Ahhh I think I'm stressed now as a parent with nap times and milestones- I can't imagine being the parent of a teenager!

Amen. Terrifying topic.

mkarns · May 2013

AshleyAnthony2B:
Jeanine88:

Ahhh I think I'm stressed now as a parent with nap times and milestones- I can't imagine being the parent of a teenager!

Amen. Terrifying topic.

Totally. Especially teenagers this day in age, which will only progress in the next 15 years. They have access to ANYTHING they want. They know way more than the generations before them. Very scary indeed.

Lena122 · May 2013

It's really hard to say for sure without knowing what the maturity level of my son will be as a teen. The general plan is to start talking to him about sex in middle school. We'll likely keep a stash of condoms where he can access them. We will definitely stress how much responsibility it takes to be sexually active and insist that he waits until he's older.

CotterpinDoozer · May 2013

Ah, this is a tough one. As the mother of a girl, she will get the HPV vaccination... just because. I will try to teach her abstinence until marriage by having honest conversations... not sure when, but my goal is to find as many teachable moments as possible from as young of an age as possible.

When I was 16 I had a friend take me to family planning.... my mom found my BCP like a week later and wasn't really mad, so I wish I would've talked to her in the first place. i ended up having sex the first time because "all my friends were doing it." stupid, stupid stupid. so...... i don't want my kid to make that mistake. so, what I'm saying is I hope we can have open conversations about it.

ETA: While my hope for my daughter will be abstinence until marriage, I am realistic to know that will 99% not be the case, in which case... I will provide birth control if she asks. Or plan to address the issue with her probably when she starts 8th grade or high school, idk...... I don't want her to think BCP is an excuse to sleep with whomever she wants, but that will be an issue of other parenting decisions and discussion.

MollySm · May 2013

The timing will depend a little on who Lucia turns out to be, but my mom took me to get the pill before I was having sex, and I hope to do the same for Lucia. I did not feel at all encouraged or pressured to have sex because of it, and did not have sex for a long time after going on the pill.

AshleyAnthony2B · May 2013

Lena122:
It's really hard to say for sure without knowing what the maturity level of my son will be as a teen. The general plan is to start talking to him about sex in middle school. We'll likely keep a stash of condoms where he can access them. We will definitely stress how much responsibility it takes to be sexually active and insist that he waits until he's older.

I must have missed your BFP. Congrats!!!!

joie12 · May 2013

My friend has a 12 yo boy, and he had a gf last year who had gotten her period already. To me, convos about birth control would have to take place prior to DD's first period - and that seems to be super young compared to when I and my friends got ours. My friend was amazed that her son's 10 year old gf had her period already and even though they swore up and down they weren't experimenting in any way, still made sure to have condoms in the house. Not to encourage them, as she definitely had conversations to discourage sex, but just in case. FWIW, he does have friends who have had sex. Which, cheese and rice, that's crazy to me.

ssimon621 · May 2013

I agree with Jeanine, this is a tough question. I think when my daughter gets her first period I will sit down and talk to her about what having a period means and that she can get pregnant. I got mine at 11, so I'm guessing it will be somewhere around that age. At 13 or 14 I will begin serious talks about sex, sexual feelings, boys, our religious beliefs on sex before marriage, etc and talk to her about the seriousness of making the decision to have sex. I will tell her why I would prefer for her to wait until she was older, the real risk of getting pregnant every time she has sex, etc. I will probably tell her that it is up to her to make that decision, but tell her that if she is adult enough to make that decision she should be adult enough to discuss it with me or at the very least her doctor and to get the appropriate protection. I would hope that she waits until at least 18.

If I have a boy I will probably have a similar conversation about how girls get pregnant, the risks, STD's, etc and the importance of using condoms every time at about 12 or 13. I also think I need to talk about oral sex as that seems to be the new wave of the future. Tweens are preforming oral sex on each other because they know they can't get pregnant. It's scary to think about, but it's reality.

I want to have an open line of communication about these things. My mom never talked about sex more than, don't do it and don't get pregnant. She really didn't talk about the emotional aspect of it or the maturity level that comes with having sex. Thankfully, I feared getting pregnant or a STD too much and always used BCP's and condoms as a teen having sex.

Mar5195 · May 2013

I will have to see where my son is. I think saying you'll tell them at X age isn't very practical. First talk will likely be done by his father in regards to his body and taking care of himself (if you know what I mean). Then if he's got a little girlfriend we'll talk more about kissing and touching girls in certain places, etc. Then the sex talk.

We will always have birth control available for our son in a certain spot with no questions asked.

But if I had a daughter I'm sorry it's a double standard. I will convince her to stay a virgin until she is married. But if I see that's not going to happen we'll research birth control.

Lena122 · May 2013

AshleyAnthony2B:
Lena122:
It's really hard to say for sure without knowing what the maturity level of my son will be as a teen. The general plan is to start talking to him about sex in middle school. We'll likely keep a stash of condoms where he can access them. We will definitely stress how much responsibility it takes to be sexually active and insist that he waits until he's older.

I must have missed your BFP. Congrats!!!!

Thanks! I actually think I forgot to announce it on 212 because I was so excited to join Jan 14. Whoops!

lancyjo · May 2013

I honestly have no idea what we'll do. These are a few things I want though:

1) I want Aria to feel comfortable enough to come to me and/or hubs with any questions, knowing won't judge her for it or jump to conclusions.

2) I want her to understand that we really want her to wait for marriage to have sex, but that we understand that it doesn't always happen that way. That we won't love her any less or be disappointed in her for her choices, as long as she's safe and responsible.

3) I want Aria to know that she can come to us and ask for birth control, and that we will get it for her. (after having a talk about safe sex, and respecting your body)

Honestly, sex was an extremely taboo subject in my house growing up. You didn't have sex until marriage, period. If you did, it was some huge scandal and you knew that Mom would be beyond disappointed in you. It made me scared and nervous to talk to her about it, and I didn't for about a year after I lost my virginity. When she found out, she was so upset and disappointed in me, and it just made me feel like no matter what, I was a failure in her eyes. (she even told me that she felt like she'd failed as a parent)

I absolutely do not want that for Aria. I want her to know that I love her no matter what, that nothing she ever does will change that, and that her coming to me about it is more than ok. That I WANT her to talk to me about those things, and that I want to help her be safe if she makes the decision that she's ready.

And now my heart is aching over the thought of Aria ever being anything but a sweet, happy baby.

AshleyAnthony2B · May 2013

Mar5195:

I will have to see where my son is. I think saying you'll tell them at X age isn't very practical. First talk will likely be done by his father in regards to his body and taking care of himself (if you know what I mean). Then if he's got a little girlfriend we'll talk more about kissing and touching girls in certain places, etc. Then the sex talk.

We will always have birth control available for our son in a certain spot with no questions asked.

But if I had a daughter I'm sorry it's a double standard. I will convince her to stay a virgin until she is married. But if I see that's not going to happen we'll research birth control.

Agree with all of this. Being a mom is scary in regards to the whole sex thing, but I feel like being a mom of a girl may be even moreso.

jmccall79 · May 2013

I like how my sister has handled it with her boys...put the fear of God in them!!! LOL! She's talked with her boys about sex, pretty openly. Not in a sense of "details" necessarily, but in what the true consequences of your actions can be...STDs, babies, etc. She's talked to them about if you're going to, you better use protection, no matter what the girl says, but has been open with them about the fact that even condoms are not fail proof..things happen and they don't always work so you have to be prepared to face the consequences if you make the decision to have sex. A thing that has helped with her boys, is that they have younger cousins. They see how they would have no free time, that they wouldn't get to sleep in, how much it costs, that it's a constant thing...and they aren't ready for that! So, the solution is to not have sex!!! But if you do, you better at least try to prevent it from happening. I'm not saying it's the best solution, and she does not tell them it's ok to have sex at their age, but if they're going to they better be ready. I'm not sure how I'll handle it with Ian when he gets to be this age but I want to be open and honest with him and for him to know that he can come to me if he needs to. I'll try and teach him that he should "wait", though that's hard to preach/teach when I didn't do it. But I do hope to be a little more open with him than my mom was...who preached you better not, you better not, you better not!

Jeanine88 · May 2013

lancyjo:
I honestly have no idea what we'll do. These are a few things I want though:

1) I want Aria to feel comfortable enough to come to me and/or hubs with any questions, knowing won't judge her for it or jump to conclusions.

2) I want her to understand that we really want her to wait for marriage to have sex, but that we understand that it doesn't always happen that way. That we won't love her any less or be disappointed in her for her choices, as long as she's safe and responsible.

3) I want Aria to know that she can come to us and ask for birth control, and that we will get it for her. (after having a talk about safe sex, and respecting your body)

All of this!

danac2010 · May 2013

lancyjo:
I honestly have no idea what we'll do. These are a few things I want though:

1) I want Aria to feel comfortable enough to come to me and/or hubs with any questions, knowing won't judge her for it or jump to conclusions.

2) I want her to understand that we really want her to wait for marriage to have sex, but that we understand that it doesn't always happen that way. That we won't love her any less or be disappointed in her for her choices, as long as she's safe and responsible.

3) I want Aria to know that she can come to us and ask for birth control, and that we will get it for her. (after having a talk about safe sex, and respecting your body)

Honestly, sex was an extremely taboo subject in my house growing up. You didn't have sex until marriage, period. If you did, it was some huge scandal and you knew that Mom would be beyond disappointed in you. It made me scared and nervous to talk to her about it, and I didn't for about a year after I lost my virginity. When she found out, she was so upset and disappointed in me, and it just made me feel like no matter what, I was a failure in her eyes. (she even told me that she felt like she'd failed as a parent)

I absolutely do not want that for Aria. I want her to know that I love her no matter what, that nothing she ever does will change that, and that her coming to me about it is more than ok. That I WANT her to talk to me about those things, and that I want to help her be safe if she makes the decision that she's ready.

And now my heart is aching over the thought of Aria ever being anything but a sweet, happy baby.

All of this!

My parents also taught me no sex before marriage so when they found out in HS that I was having sex I was grounded for 3 months and sent to church camp for most of the summer. They thought this was the best way. I had been on BC for almost 2 years before I had sex. I remember crying afterwards because I knew my parents would be upset. But then my teenage hormones kicked in. I was very sexually active my senior year and college. I think if my mom hadn't made it so taboo I wouldn't have been so crazy but it was what I could do to rebel against them.

I don't want that for Caroline. I want to tell her that I prefer she waited. Make sure she doesn't it because she wants too and not because a boy or peers are pressuring her. I will tell her everything I went through if she ask. I will not hold anything back (ok maybe somethings) and I will tell her that it won't make me love her any less but that she needs to be open with me.

SD is 8. She is no where near being mature enough for that conversation. She still thinks boys have cooties and is very immature for her age. I know we will have to have the conversation with her because her mom won't. SD's mom had her first 2 kids at 15 and 17 and her older sister has 2 kids and is 21-22. SD's maternal grandmother actually encourages them to have sex early on because she wants to be able to "enjoy" her great grandkids so the younger you have them the younger she is. It's stupid and I am hoping SD sees that this isn't the way to go. None of her family on that side have any goals in life other than to have kids and live off the government. Most of them don't work and they all live together in 1 house since they can't afford anything else.

karleegirl · May 2013

My oldest is 17. At 11 we had the talk. My h now talks to him about sex. They are more comfortable talking. I didn't give him condoms but we promoted waiting till marriage but if not use protection.
He's had a serious Gf for 2 years. They say they aren't having sex. My h believes him. He usually sees Through and unthruths.
I've always been honest with him about how hard it was to have him as a teenage mother. He also helps take care of his brother and sister. He says he's never having kids. Lol

Want a personalized experience?

Handling BC for your teenager

Re: Handling BC for your teenager

Choose Another Board

Search Boards