Long distance guests

shootthemoon · May 2013

What's the ettiquette on inviting long distance family and friends who either definitely won't be able to attend or likely won't be able to attend?

I've always thought you invite them, to make them feel included. In my family lots of our relatives live far away and are people who would attend if they were local and would want to send a gift even though (or especially because) they can't attend.

However I've recently heard that invitations of this type can seem "gift-grabby," even though that is not the intention in this case, and that you should only send these people a birth announcement after LO arrives, and they will send a gift then if they want to.

If it makes any difference, I'm mostly asking for a shower I'm *throwing,* though I am also curious about the answer as it relates to my own shower. TIA.

HappyMrsK · May 2013

If you know they will either not be able to attend or very likely won't attend then I would not invite them. If they know you are having a baby they can still send you a gift if they wish to even if they are not invited to the shower.

carlieanddanwedding · May 2013

I would do whatever the norm is for your family. Some folks think it's gift grabby, but I have several aunts who live far away who I know would be extremely hurt not to receive an invitation, so they'll get one. That said, this should be for people you are genuinely close to, not people you haven't seen since you were ten. And if in doubt, you could always ask. ("Hey Aunt Susie, I know you live far and wouldn't be able to attend, but do you want us to send you an invitation to have as a keepsake?")

EastCoastBride · May 2013

MandJS:
I'm of the opinion that you do NOT invite OOTers (with the exception of the grandmothers-to-be). If someone wants to give you a gift, they don't need an invitation to do so.

This.

I'm going to say - people always seem to correlate showers and invitations to what they did for their wedding. But showers AREN'T weddings. Not nearly on the same level of importance.

I'd correlate them more to birthdays. Would you invite these family and friends to your birthday party? If not, then I wouldn't to the shower.

Yes, there are some exceptions. There always are. But if you never talk to or see Aunt Bertha except for outside of weddings and funerals or other BIG family events, no, I wouldn't invite her to a shower.

vadamsv · May 2013

I think it goes either way. One hand people still appreciate receiving the invitation, other hand it looks a little "gift grabby" even if its not intended to be.

I personally added all OOT'ers to the invite list since so many of the BFs family members live out of state...and from what his mother stated...they'd still want an invitation.

Guess it really just depends on the circumstances is all!

kennazebrowsky · May 2013

carlieanddanwedding:
I would do whatever the norm is for your family. Some folks think it's gift grabby, but I have several aunts who live far away who I know would be extremely hurt not to receive an invitation, so they'll get one. That said, this should be for people you are genuinely close to, not people you haven't seen since you were ten. And if in doubt, you could always ask. ("Hey Aunt Susie, I know you live far and wouldn't be able to attend, but do you want us to send you an invitation to have as a keepsake?")

This. In my family the ladies throw a fit if they are not invited- even the ones who cannot attend due to distance.

ehnasto · May 2013

carlieanddanwedding:
I would do whatever the norm is for your family. Some folks think it's gift grabby, but I have several aunts who live far away who I know would be extremely hurt not to receive an invitation, so they'll get one.

This. I even though my family is all spread out they still make an effort to come to stuff like this when they can. My family would be hurt if I didn't invite them. When it comes to friends though I never invite OOT friends. Usually friends completely understand that it doesn't make sense to invite them.

shootthemoon · May 2013

Thanks for all the opinions, ladies. I think this helps me clarify my guest list and I'll advise my sister, whose shower I'm throwing.

KellyBensimon · May 2013

I would invite one or two of the closest friends and family, but not as a general rule. I would NOT think of it as being gift grabby, though. When we were married, we sent one or two invites to people we knew would obviously not attended, but we wanted to let them know we were thinking of them and cared for them.

sschwege · May 2013

I think you just have to go with what's the norm in your family. For my shower my mother wanted to invite all of her sisters even though she knew most of them would not fly in. One did, the rest did not. But I left that up to my mom since she knows them best. I figured my cousins were my call and I only put local cousins on the guest list.

kellmw05 · May 2013

Honestly do what is the norm in your family. We always invited long distance family to help them feel included, not to ask for gifts. I usually include a note in the invite that says "I know you're unable to attend, but wanted you to feel included and know Id love for you to be there" or something similar.

queenbone · May 2013

I always invite oot guests so they feel included. You never know when someone will surprise you by making travel arrangements to come into town.

queenbone · May 2013

EastCoastBride:
MandJS:
I'm of the opinion that you do NOT invite OOTers (with the exception of the grandmothers-to-be). If someone wants to give you a gift, they don't need an invitation to do so.
This.
I'm going to say - people always seem to correlate showers and invitations to what they did for their wedding. But showers AREN'T weddings. Not nearly on the same level of importance.
I'd correlate them more to birthdays. Would you invite these family and friends to your birthday party? If not, then I wouldn't to the shower.
Yes, there are some exceptions. There always are. But if you never talk to or see Aunt Bertha except for outside of weddings and funerals or other BIG family events, no, I wouldn't invite her to a shower.

Well, most people I know don't throw birthday parties for themselves every year, but they will for a milestone birthday and do invite OOTers to let them determine whether they want to travel to participate or not. To me it IS the same thing as a shower.

Disneygeek77 · May 2013

I have been invited to showers for my husband's family that lives half way across the country. If I was to be completely honest, yeah I thought it was weird and gift grabby.

Of course I would have gone if I lived close, but I don't and yes I was surprised to see shower invitations for me in the mail.

My rule is if I know you can't attend the shower, then I won't send and invite. I wouldn't want to put anyone in an awkward position.

rhubarb123 · May 2013

msspeedymarie:

I personally am of the opinion that if someone is close enough to me that I'd invite them if they lived close by, I'd invite them from OOT.

I personally don't think the whole world should be invited to a shower, but if someone is close to me emotionally even though they live far away, I would invite them.

I agree with this. I invited all of our out of town and out of state family and friends that we normally invite to our BBQ, Christmas parties, etc. The furtherst is 5 hours...and they almost always come. I did have one exception for my shower...she lives 14 hours away (my very good friend). She already told me she got the shower gift (and what it was) so I knew she expected an invite even though I knew she wasn't coming.

BC&LM · May 2013

I think it depends on the family and the precedent out of towners have set with previous showers. In my family, people will often drive two or three hours, or sometimes even fly in, to come to a baby shower because it gives them an excuse to come up for the weekend and see their family that still lives in the area. However, I know that is not the case for all families; some people don't even want to drive an hour for a baby shower.

mauied08 · May 2013

i just sent out my invites to my family knowing that they cant come to the shower since they live in the other side of the country. but i did get one relative who decided to come from alabama to my shower in california. i also forgot to send an invite to one of my ants and my mom called me saying that she called her asking where is her invite, knowing she can't attend because of distance. lol

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