Donor Advice Needed!
payneburnett14
member
Hi, Ashley here! So my fiance and I are almost to the point of TTC. Right now we are stuck on donor criteria. We each have different standards and guidelines to follow. She wants the donor to be someone we know, however, I do not want to be friends/acquaintances with our donor. Her thought process seems to be, "if we know him, we know his habits, his health, his genetics-to an extent." I however, think of the more, motherly(so to speak) side. I am afraid of the donor(being someone we know) getting attached. How would we incorporate him into our lives? Would we even do so? I want our child to know my fiance and I as her parents; mommy and daddy figures. I do not know how I would feel about our child(ren) knowing the donor man as their "dad". My fiances fear is nearly the same. She fears our child(ren) will not see her as a parental figure if theres a "daddy" around. Any advice? Personal relationship with the donor or no? Incorporate the donor into our lives or no? How do we separate donor "dad" from my fiance("dad")?Thank you!
With love, the Burnetts!
Re: Donor Advice Needed!
Hello!
We definitely chose an anon. Donor so we wouldn't have to worry about potential legal headaches, and the interpersonal ones you've listed. I do think that we will avoid the donor sibling registry as well, unless an unforeseen medical issue comes up. Every individual is different though! But that just seems to be the best choice for us, that way the donor won't be seen as any sort of parental figure that would conflict with our family unit when the time comes.
Best of luck to you two! :
This is an important and complicated issue.
My partner and I have chosen to use unknown Open ID donor sperm from a sperm bank. The Open ID part means that the sperm donor has agreed to be contacted at least once by any donor kids after the kids reach 18. So, I may have some bias towards that option in my response.
The donor question is very complicated--
If a known donor--will they be involved or not? If they're involved, will they play a parental role, an uncle role, a friend role, a donor role? If they're not involved, do you trust that they will always feel that way?
Either way-- are you willing to take the legal risks? What are the legal precedents in your state for known donors who have sought legal rights to a child of same-sex parents?
If you go with an unknown donor--will you choose open ID or anonymous? What characteristics will you look for in a donor.
If your partner's primary reason for wanting to use a known donor is because you will know more about the donor, you may find that some sperm bank profiles actually provide a lot of information about health, interests, education, family, etc. Some even have both baby pictures and adult pictures.
If you partner's primary reason for wanting to use a donor is about the role that the donor will play in your family's life, then I would recommend that you and she have good and honest conversations about what you want from a donor, what role you want him to play in your kids' lives, what your fears are, who you each have in mind as potential choices. If you find that you both agree on what you want, then those same need to be repeated with potential donors.
As for the fear around the donor wanting to be a "dad" to the kids or the kids wanting him to be their "dad," that's a really tough one. You can't control what the donor will end up wanting. One of the reasons we went with an unknown donor was because the prospect of a known donor changing his mind and wanting more of a role was scary to us. And the prospect of the courts choosing to give him a legal role (should it come to that) was scary--and we live in Canada where a lot of family law is more progressive than in parts of the U.S.
Ultimately you and your partner will shape much of what your kids learn about what family means, what parenting means, who parents are, etc. If you raise them from birth with the idea that both of you are their parents and your donor is their donor (or uncle or special family friend), then that will shape a lot of their understandings of their family. That is not to say that they won't be affected by a world that privileges biology and that they won't have questions/concerns/rebellions. But it is to say that if you work as parents to undermine the importance of biological/genetic connection as what makes family, then you will have created a foundation for your children that will give them resilience and resources for resisting society's emphasis on Mommy and Daddy or a biological Mommy and Daddy. If you and your partner both see yourselves as fully your kids parents and talk to each other and them with that in mind, it will help a lot of with the relationship to you two and to the donor. This will be even further helped if your donor keeps up his part of the bargain and talks about himself as his agreed role and doesn't try to become a dad that he was never invited to be . ...
If you're interested in considering the anonymous donor options, you might want to look at a few sperm banks online to get a sense of what information there is about donors and whether it would be enough for you. From within Canada, we can sign up for a 24 free trial membership with Xytex that allows us to see the pictures and full profiles of the donors (I recommend saving them as PDFs or screenshots during your 24 access so you can see them later). I'm not sure if that's free trial exists in the U.S., but you could google "xytex 24 hour free" and see if it comes up.
We're queer. I'm 33, have severe stage 4 endo, and had both fallopian tubes removed. My love ("Manada" on the boards, 32) was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. We did Partner IVF (my eggs, her uterus). We lost our twins Tavin and Casey at 21 weeks gestation.
Our IUIs
with @Manada: IUI# 1-7 (December 2012- September 2013) all BFN. Tried natural, femara, clomid, puregon/follistim, clomid and menopur combo, both the ovidrel and HCG triggers.
Our IVFs:
IVF #1 my eggs November/December 2013: Cancelled IVF due to poor response
IVF #2 my eggs/Manada's uterus January/February 2014
BCPs and lupron overlap Stimmed: 1/22-2/2: Bravelle and Menopur (dosage ranged from B300 and M150 to B375 and M150 to B300 and M225)
2/4 retrieved 10 eggs. Endo was much worse than expected. Only 3 eggs fertilized; February 7 transferred two day 3 embryos, froze one. All great condition.
BFP eve of 6dp3dt; Beta 1 (11dp3dt): 110; Beta 2 (13dp3dt): 175; Beta 3 (15dp3dt): 348; Beta 4 (19dp3dt): 2222; Beta 5 (21dp3dt): 4255
1st ultrasound (3/6 6w 1d): TWINS!!!! Twin A measuring 6w1d with a heartbeat of 118bpm. Twin B measuring 6w0d with a heartbeat of 113bpm.
***July 18, 2014 we lost our beautiful babies at 21 weeks gestation. They were born too early. Tavin Sara T. and Casey Elizabeth T. are beautiful and precious and we will love them and miss them forever.***
FET #1 December 2014
Yeah, what Healz said.
We also chose an Open ID anon donor for our cycle. We want the child to have access and not feel we held back information about their genetics they could have had, which is why we absolutely ruled out any non-open ID donors. For us, that was enough.
Before, with my last partner, we found a known donor who was perfect, but only after passing up 3 others who were serious until we really, really got into talking about it - then in all cases they realized they would want more of a part in our baby's life than we were willing to give. In the end, we chose a friend who lived in Portland (we are in Seattle) so he could be involved but at that distance, we had no worries about day to day life involvement. It was more birthday parties, and occasional visits. We did not get pregnant but this was the plan and it felt good.
However, my partner now and I had to use both egg and sperm donors, and with the egg donor being a big to-do, it was just way easier to go the Open ID Sperm bank route.
Definitely time for some good sit-down conversations - and honestly, if you did use someone you know, it really depends on that person - each one will have a different feeling about their involvement (or lack of) and each will be a scenario/situation to address. Without question you will want to have legal documents in place that name him as the donor and having no parental rights or responsibilities, etc. if you do go that route! Best to you, and keep us posted!
Me (43) and J (45) - same sex couple. And we don't feel 40+!
June'12 - First RE Visit
Sept. '12 - Tubes removed
Dec. '12 - Donor Egg/Donor Sperm IVF Cycle - 4 good embies!
Dec. '12 - Fresh transfer, BFP! EDD 8/29/13
Mar. '13 - Missed m/c at 16w1d, baby boy stopped growing at 15w4d
Loss due to umbilical cord clot...baby was perfect.
Jul '13 - FET#1 - c/p
Sept. '13 - FET#2 - BFN
Dec.' 2, 2013 - FET#3 with our last chance embie - BFP!!!
Dec' 26, 2013 - hb!!
EDD 8/20/14 with a baby girl!
Little S was born on 8/21/14 - 8lb, 14 oz and 20 inches long.
We live in Seattle and used SRM for our donor egg IVF cycle
How exciting to be so close! This is a question that has been asked many times, and it is always ultimately up to you and your partner's feelings. With us, I always wanted someone that I know, but it had to be the right person. As long as my partner and I were known and viewed as the parents, we were willing to agree that he could have as much contact (within a certain amount), or no contact with the baby, but only as a friend or uncle not a father.
The donor we chose ultimately said he did not want to be a part of the child's life. We do have a contract in place, but that is not 100% guarantee which is why we have hired a lawyer to help us navigate through a second parent adoption process, making me a legal parent, something that would not have to be done through a sperm bank. Although I have heard if you inseminate in a doctor's office it may hold up in court. Which, of course, is dependent on which state you live in. In any case, if you decide to go with someone you know, make sure you talk about all of your thoughts and feelings, to know how he feels and he knows how you feel. Don't "settle" if you aren't comfortable.
Good luck!
There really is no right or wrong answer in this area. The only answer is what is best for your family.
We used a non-ID anonymous donor. The ID part wasn't as big to us. If our boys have questions later in life we plan to be as age appropriately honest with them and we feel we have enough strong male role models in our boys life they shouldn't feel anything is missing. Family to us is much more than genetics and quite frankly to us all the donor counts for is just the half of DNA we are missing.
Our bank provided us with an adult pic, voice recording, child pic, genetic testing, family medical history, and profile of our donor. For us this was plenty.
A known donor for us is too difficult as in our state a "contract" isn't legally binding when it regards to children. That means a donor could get legal custody of our child. Not worth it to us.
Just have an honest discussion and make the choice that is best for you. I also recommend researching the laws in your state (meet with an LGBT family lawyer if one is available) if you decide on going to a known donor.
06/12 - BFP!!!!
Beta #1 15dpo - 256
Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
6wk U/S on 07/02 ~ TWINS!!!
EDD 02/21/13
09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
Jacob and Samuel born 1/29/13 at 36 weeks.
Freshie Girl 9.29.12
Yeah, we've wavered back and forth about this, too. My fear wouldn't be how the friend would be perceived by our child, but how our child would be perceived by our friend. The only men I know I'd be willing to ask have always wanted kids but aren't at that point yet. I'd be worried they'd see themselves in my baby's face and have an overwhelming urge to take ownership over the baby. And I DO live in a state that would heavily favor a biological father over a same-sex partner. So I think ultimately we're going to go with an open ID donor.
I think it's unfair to deny our child the right to know his/her genetic background, and I want to leave it up to them to decide how much involvement they want from their donor. Our kids may not care to know them at all (selfishly, I hope that's the case) but if they do, I want them to have access to the donor. It seems only fair. I feel like our kids would lose trust in us if we aren't open and honest about their origins. Like others said, have age-appropriate conversations with them as they get older. My kids will have uncles in my brothers, a grandpa with lots of love to give, and lots of male second cousins from my family. Not to mention family friends and my partner's relatives. So I feel like they'll have access to male role models.
The donor we're selecting is a lot like us: loves to travel, read, is a graduate student, very intelligent, good looking (um... that's not me! But if I can give my children that advantage, I will). I want to emphasize to our kids that we're doing the very best we can to make sure they're happy and healthy. I like the donor we selected specifically because he said he doesn't get stressed out too easily - and my family tree only grows nuts. Happily, I skipped the anxiety and panic attacks for the most part, but if I carry it then I want someone who will balance that side of my genetics.
My point is, when our kids want to know more I want to be able to explain this to them. I don't, however, want to be struggling with custody battles, especially in my home state where gays are viewed as the scourge of society.
But hey, if you know someone and trust them enough to not try to take your kids away from you, I'd say go for it! I'd love it if I could know the donor and not be worried about him taking over his paternal rights...