why do people need to drag you in (having a second)

jb2rn · May 2013

Many of my friends are having their second child. Totally normal, as we are all mid 30's for the most part, so time is a wastin' so to speak.

What I don't get is the "sooooo, are you ready for another?" and "are you next?" questions.

For one thing, we were SUPER lucky to have a natural pregnancy w/o fertility tx. So having another most likely isn't possible.

And another, why do people feel to the need to make you jump on the bandwagon? I feel like I have to defend my choice to not be part of their little "club".

I do admit to not being 100% on the one and done path, but it really irritates me when people feel the need to coax me over. I just tell them we are still in recovery from 14 months of sleep deprivation, which is totally true.

ferris0906 · May 2013

Because it would validate a choice they may not be 100% on board with--if all my friends do it, then it was the right choice! And/or they realize they will need someone to commiserate with when things get really hard, which having any child (but especially more then one) will be.

It sounds like you like your own "little club" of three!

Chapter79 · May 2013

I think maybe it's just more "common" to have several children, as opposed to an only. Therefore, it's what society says you should do... and what your friends do, and feel you should too. I know, it's annoying. I've gotten it, but not much (I assume because DH was snipped).

hopefulmom81 · May 2013

ferris0906:
Because it would validate a choice they may not be 100% on board with--if all my friends do it, then it was the right choice! And/or they realize they will need someone to commiserate with when things get really hard, which having any child (but especially more then one) will be.
It sounds like you like your own "little club" of three!

This exactly. It is all about validating their life choices. The single child family is the fastest growing size of family in the US and Europe, so pretty soon we won't feel like we are the only ones in our friend groups with one.

EastCoastBride · May 2013

I definitely think that for some people, it's about validating their choices.

But I also think that for other people, they just haven't really ever thought past that while the "norm" may be 2+ kids, it's still a choice and not everyone is going to make that choice.

I think many of us grew up w/ this concept of "you grow up, go to school (maybe), get a job, find a spouse, get married, have 2+ kids". THAT is "life". Which is why I also I think there is a problem w/ young women being TOO anxious to find the right guy and rushing into marriage (I say women only because it's usually girls who talk about their dream wedding...).

There is just this pressure in general to subscribe to the "norm" and anyone who doesn't- they feel pressure from people on many aspects of their life.

I still remember saying to a friend's (I think at the time) 8 or 9 yr old daughter something about "when you get married" and I immediately, as the words came out of my mouth, swore to myself to never utter those words to her again. *I* don't want to contribute to the pressure/idea that she "has" to get married!! If she gets engaged, THEN I'll talk about "when you get married". Wink

hopefulmom81 · May 2013

EastCoastBride:

There is just this pressure in general to subscribe to the "norm" and anyone who doesn't- they feel pressure from people on many aspects of their life.

This is a really good point. This is totally a goofy example, but it resonates with what you said. I made a later in life choice to be a vegetarian and you would have thought I told my In Laws that I wanted to move to the moon. They SERIOUSLY pestered me about it and were very weird that I was going against the "norm" for the family. They couldn't handle that I made a choice they didn't understand.

People are so weird and love to have input in other peoples' lives.

aeh72 · May 2013

Sometimes I just think its part of the way people socialize - trying to talk about things you might have in common with someone. Kind of like when people decide to buy a home - all they can talk about is home stuff. I don't let myself get worked up when people ask for the first time if we're going to have another. I also don't think it's that annoying when people ask again - if I have not told them we're 100% one and done. It's when people continue to bug you about having more than one when you've told them you are done at one (or that it's something you don't want to discuss) that I think it crosses the line and becomes annoying and, quite frankly, rude.

So, you know your friends - if they fall into the former category and are just trying to be social with you and assume you might be having more than one because you have not told them you're are for sure done or that the topic is off limits for you, maybe cut them a break. If you feel they fall into the latter category and are trying to pressure you even though you've tried to make it clear that the topic isn't for discussion, then it's time to have a frank discussion with them about how their constant quesitons/pressuring on the topic has gone to far and needs to stop.

Fianschneid · May 2013

I don't think everyone realizes they're being rude - they think it's just a friendly question.

That being said, I would have no problem answering completely honestly. It might make them think twice before asking someone again.

Why should you have to be polite if they don't?

Nechie122 · May 2013

I have found that every single time someone asks me this question, they're really just looking for an excuse to talk about themselves.

So instead of going into my whole spiel about my own situation, I just turn the question back on them. "We're not ready for another now. How 'bout you guys? ... Oh, you're trying? That's so exciting!"

ferris0906 · May 2013

Nechie122:
I have found that every single time someone asks me this question, they're really just looking for an excuse to talk about themselves. So instead of going into my whole spiel about my own situation, I just turn the question back on them. "We're not ready for another now. How 'bout you guys? ... Oh, you're trying? That's so exciting!"

That is an excellent point. I will use your tip next time this happens.

kaidekka · May 2013

hopefulmom81:
ferris0906:
Because it would validate a choice they may not be 100% on board with--if all my friends do it, then it was the right choice! And/or they realize they will need someone to commiserate with when things get really hard, which having any child (but especially more then one) will be.
It sounds like you like your own "little club" of three!
This exactly. It is all about validating their life choices. The single child family is the fastest growing size of family in the US and Europe, so pretty soon we won't feel like we are the only ones in our friend groups with one.

All of this! I haven't been questioned yet, as we've just had our only, but I think it is about validation. We all make choices; just feel confident with yours!

tulips1058 · May 2013

I also get annoyed when people say these things. I never ask about people's reproductive choices, you never know if that person may be having problems with fertility or god forbid maybe they just don't want to have children!

jb2rn · May 2013

great responses. thanks, guys!

anythingelseplease · May 2013

aeh72:
Sometimes I just think its part of the way people socialize - trying to talk about things you might have in common with someone. Kind of like when people decide to buy a home - all they can talk about is home stuff. I don't let myself get worked up when people ask for the first time if we're going to have another. I also don't think it's that annoying when people ask again - if I have not told them we're 100% one and done.

I agree with this. I dated my husband for 8 years before we got married and people constantly asked- when would we get married and it really bothered me. Once we got married it became- when would we have kids and again I was annoyed. Now I find myself asking other people who are dating when they are getting married (I try to avoid the having kids question because I don't know about their fertility or choices in this area). I really think people ask because it is conversation. Most people get married after dating for a while, have a kid after being married for a while, and have another after that. It's just something to talk about. I try to be at least a little sensitive and ask "do you think you'll get married/have children/have another?"

MomToNeeners · May 2013

I feel your pain. I got asked by 3 people today when I'm adding to my little family and I was told it's time to.

I was polite, but I would have loved to slap each one of them because I'm a single mom. Yes, I'm going to go out and get knocked up just to have a child I can't afford to care for and make my body go through hell it doesn't need just to make you feel better on some small scale...ugh!

I make enough to support my daughter without any assistance or anything, yet people make assumptions...blah! Sorry, I'm just sick of people saying that kind of stuff. When they pay for me to have a child, then I will..until I see their contributions to my bank account, they can go blow it out their bloomer leg!

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