Tacky and Rude- Baby Shower Etiquette?- Long

eadler · May 2013

Ok, so My sister is hosting my baby shower coming up next month. She asked a while back for an invite list, and with my close girlfriends and immediate family, the invite count is 20. My sister is coming from across the country to host it, so we are having it at a restaurant, lunch in their banquet room.

So, yesterday my good friend calls me to ask if her friend was invited. I am friendly with this other girl, but I have seen her only, I think twice this last year at social events, we never talk, etc. I was a little bit surprised because my friend is saying, well, I just wanted to let you know that she is really looking forward to coming and I know her feelings would be really hurt if she wasn't, I can give you her address to send out an invite, I responded by saying, "oh, well the invites went out, and I didn't think to invite her because we never see eachother" I was a bit stunned, got off the phone. Also* side note- yesterday was my birthday so I really didn't want to deal with it.

So later, when we met friends for my bday dinner, my friend brought it up again, saying how if I decide not to invite her knowing it will hurt her feelings, I should really call her and explain why I am not inviting her. Seriously?

Am I over reacting by thinking this is out of line, inappropriate and rude? I am not hosting my shower, I barely know this girl , and it's a bit of a fancier shower that my sister is paying for. I don't feel right asking my sister to accommodate another person simply bc of a guilt trip! Any advice on how to deal with my friend who is saying these things would be greatly appreciated, I am at a loss and this is out of character for her.

magicalbride2bee · May 2013

Hey! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! First off, you are completely right! Your friend shouldn't have even brought it up to you, especially if you do not know this girl! I had a similar thing happen to me at my bridal shower before I got married., and I thought that was just nuts! It's expensive and because your sister is hosting the shower, I wouldn't expect you to invite someone you barely knew.

amberrrjade · May 2013

Pssh, I'd be like "Listen, this a shower for my family and close friends. I consider close friends people I see and speak with frequently. People I invite to birthday parties and such. I barely see her or know her and I would feel weird imposing on my sister to accommodate another person I don't even know."

I guess I'm a little more outspoken than others... but isn't it odd she wasn't invited to the birthday dinner and not upset but upset about a baby shower? It's all weird to me.

snuggle+monkey · May 2013

Some people. Sad

Just tell her that your sister can't accomodate her. I wouldn't feel the need to speak to the other girl at all. Even if her feelings are hurt (by not being invited to an acquaintance's shower- random), you never talk to her anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Laurakat81 · May 2013

snuggle+monkey:
Some people.

Just tell her that your sister can't accomodate her. I wouldn't feel the need to speak to the other girl at all. Even if her feelings are hurt (by not being invited to an acquaintance's shower- random), you never talk to her anyway, so it doesn't matter.

This.

eadler · May 2013

Dccornel:
I don't think you need to be rude to this other girl, and quite frankly you are over reacting. Yes, your friend is being a little pushy but no need to take it out on the girl. I think you need to call her up and say your sister is hosting it and asked for a certain amount of people and you filled that up but had no intentions of offending her. And perhaps invite to a lunch/dinner/whatever separate from the shower.

I would never be rude to her, we are friendly enough when we do see each other socially, and I wouldn't be mean or nasty at all, never. That's not me. Honestly it would genuinely surprise me if her feelings were that hurt, considering we're not close.

JocelynB0911 · May 2013

eadler:
Dccornel:
I don't think you need to be rude to this other girl, and quite frankly you are over reacting. Yes, your friend is being a little pushy but no need to take it out on the girl. I think you need to call her up and say your sister is hosting it and asked for a certain amount of people and you filled that up but had no intentions of offending her. And perhaps invite to a lunch/dinner/whatever separate from the shower.
I would never be rude to her, we are friendly enough when we do see each other socially, and I wouldn't be mean or nasty at all, never. That's not me. Honestly it would genuinely surprise me if her feelings were that hurt, considering we're not close.

IMO, its one thing to be friendly to a person when you see them but as you said you have only seen her twice in the last year there is no point to go out of your way to invite her to lunch/dinner. There are plenty of people I see at social events and we get along just fine but I would never invite them to an event that is for close friends and family. As for your friend, if she brings it up again just say (again) the invites went out, its not an event that you are hosting and you dont feel comfortable having someone you barely know other than from social events go out and buy you a gift.

armybride6510 · May 2013

mj.reilly:
You are definitely not over reacting or being rude.

Your friend, however, is. If you had wanted to invite this girl, you would have. Your friend had should not be "inviting" other people to your shower unless you asked her to do so. Tell her (again) that it is for family and close friends (neither of which includes this girl), that the guest list is final, and not to bring it up again. If you don't want the girl to come, the. She doesn't come, plain and simple.

And ditto the pp on your sister not being able to accommodate more guess.

All this

cookie2279 · May 2013

I get the sense that your good friend opened her big mouth when she shouldn't have and said something like "aren't you going to the shower" and when the acquaintance said "I didn't get an invitation," good friend said "oh, well, I'm SURE she'll invite you" and put her foot in her mouth and now feels responsible for making sure she doesn't look like an a#$. I feel like she's telling you that the other girl's feelings will be SO hurt to manipulate you into inviting her so she can save face. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.

I agree with previous posters that you hardly see her anyway. I would just ignore the whole thing. Yes, your friend was rude!

CaliMcKenzie · May 2013

Dccornel:
I don't think you need to be rude to this other girl, and quite frankly you are over reacting.

Nothing the OP said leads me to think she has been or is being rude to this peripheral "friend." Nor does it sound like she has over-reacted.

OP, you don't owe this other girl or your pushy friend an explanation. Flat out, the guest list has been set and budgeted for. If someone asks again: so sorry, but it's too late to throw changes at the host. Have a lovely shower and don't sweat this!!

Disneygeek77 · May 2013

cookie2279:
I get the sense that your good friend opened her big mouth when she shouldn't have and said something like "aren't you going to the shower" and when the acquaintance said "I didn't get an invitation," good friend said "oh, well, I'm SURE she'll invite you" and put her foot in her mouth and now feels responsible for making sure she doesn't look like an a#$. I feel like she's telling you that the other girl's feelings will be SO hurt to manipulate you into inviting her so she can save face. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.
I agree with previous posters that you hardly see her anyway. I would just ignore the whole thing. Yes, your friend was rude!

I have a feeling something along these lines happened too. Your friend is trying to save face here. No, of course you don't need to call this acquaintence up and say something to her. That would make it even more awkward. You already stated your peace. The shower is for close friends and family. She isn't a close friend. That's ok. Can't be with everyone.

Just ignore your friend. She is being ridiculous.

Disneygeek77 · May 2013

cookie2279:
I get the sense that your good friend opened her big mouth when she shouldn't have and said something like "aren't you going to the shower" and when the acquaintance said "I didn't get an invitation," good friend said "oh, well, I'm SURE she'll invite you" and put her foot in her mouth and now feels responsible for making sure she doesn't look like an a#$. I feel like she's telling you that the other girl's feelings will be SO hurt to manipulate you into inviting her so she can save face. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.
I agree with previous posters that you hardly see her anyway. I would just ignore the whole thing. Yes, your friend was rude!

I have a feeling something along these lines happened too. Your friend is trying to save face here. No, of course you don't need to call this acquaintence up and say something to her. That would make it even more awkward. You already stated your peace. The shower is for close friends and family. She isn't a close friend. That's ok. Can't be with everyone.

Just ignore your friend. She is being ridiculous.

katiebenes · May 2013

cookie2279:
I get the sense that your good friend opened her big mouth when she shouldn't have and said something like "aren't you going to the shower" and when the acquaintance said "I didn't get an invitation," good friend said "oh, well, I'm SURE she'll invite you" and put her foot in her mouth and now feels responsible for making sure she doesn't look like an a#$. I feel like she's telling you that the other girl's feelings will be SO hurt to manipulate you into inviting her so she can save face. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.
I agree with previous posters that you hardly see her anyway. I would just ignore the whole thing. Yes, your friend was rude!

my vote is this scenario. sorry, but an acquaintance isn't going to get hurt not being invited.

Or the second option: I have many many people who apparently think I'm their GOOD friend because of my general attitude. I am always friendly and helpful to people I know; so many people assume I am their close friend

Blame the sister, and maybe offer a later hang out if it seems as if the second situation is the more likely

plunderb · May 2013

These threads make me feel like an alien. Are there really people who LOVE going to baby showers so much that they will throw a fit if they don't get invited to one? Maybe someone out there is throwing incredibly awesome baby showers that I just don't know about. In general, I consider baby/wedding showers an obligation that have a 50/50 shot at being either mildly enjoyable or interminably tedious.

amberyintar · May 2013

plunderb:
These threads make me feel like an alien. Are there really people who LOVE going to baby showers so much that they will throw a fit if they don't get invited to one? Maybe someone out there is throwing incredibly awesome baby showers that I just don't know about. In general, I consider baby/wedding showers an obligation that have a 50/50 shot at being either mildly enjoyable or interminably tedious.

This.

eadler · May 2013

Thanks all, for the feedback. I think you're right in thinking maybe she invited her assuming and now feels bad about it. That would explain the wacky behavior.

goatgirlnyc · May 2013

amberrrjade:
Pssh, I'd be like "Listen, this a shower for my family and close friends. I consider close friends people I see and speak with frequently. People I invite to birthday parties and such. I barely see her or know her and I would feel weird imposing on my sister to accommodate another person I don't even know."
I guess I'm a little more outspoken than others... but isn't it odd she wasn't invited to the birthday dinner and not upset but upset about a baby shower? It's all weird to me.

This exactly.

Millie1984 · May 2013

stw_77:
cookie2279:
I get the sense that your good friend opened her big mouth when she shouldn't have and said something like "aren't you going to the shower" and when the acquaintance said "I didn't get an invitation," good friend said "oh, well, I'm SURE she'll invite you" and put her foot in her mouth and now feels responsible for making sure she doesn't look like an a#$. I feel like she's telling you that the other girl's feelings will be SO hurt to manipulate you into inviting her so she can save face. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.
I agree with previous posters that you hardly see her anyway. I would just ignore the whole thing. Yes, your friend was rude!
I have a feeling something along these lines happened too. Your friend is trying to save face here. No, of course you don't need to call this acquaintence up and say something to her. That would make it even more awkward. You already stated your peace. The shower is for close friends and family. She isn't a close friend. That's ok. Can't be with everyone.
Just ignore your friend. She is being ridiculous.

I also agree with this. There probably is an ulterior motive going on here, so don't fall for it. Ignore the whole thing because you have enough to worry about, and if you friend brings it up again, tell her the truth. You are not throwing this shower to begin with, and that it is for close friends and family anyway. She should be able to get the message that you are not welcoming her attempts at dictating who should be on the guest list.

Also, you may want to give your sister a heads up about this, in case your friend also tries to talk to her about it...just a thought.

BrideMay2005 · May 2013

Most people only have one shower, so you should get to have the people you want there. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation for the invite list.

TheLittlestDiva · May 2013

Good News: You have the perfect "out."

Firstly, you are not the host of the shower (nor should you be). Presumably, you were asked to provide a limited number of names. I suggest the Miss Manners tactic for weddings (See below) Remember - you are the pregnant one. When in doubt, feign fatigue or rely on that ever constant "pregnancy brain," and charmingly offer an apology that, regretfully, this other person isn't invited, and you do so hope that they don't feel obligated to procure a gift for you. Perhaps, if you are feeling cheeky, you might innocently add that if your friend is so concerned, and clearly closer with this person than you are, that perhaps she might think of a kind way to soften the blow if asked about the restrictions on the event invitation list, and be a dear to not bring up the shower to her again. This will be much kinder than saying "perhaps as you were the one who attempted to invite her, you should be the one to explain that she is not, in fact, invited by you who is not the host."

And while this is certainly annoying, it is small in the scheme of things. I speak as a fellow pregnant lady, who recently and violently attacked a household appliance for being uncooperative - so I understand perception is key in these situations. Your life is about to get much, much busier and with good reason. If this tie to an acquaintance is irrefutably damaged, I doubt you will have time to miss it much in the coming months, nor will they. All the best!

Miss Manners understands that it might sometimes be necessary to respond to pushy people who announce their intention of attending a wedding to which they have not been invited. Even then, pleading budget concerns is ugly, as an admission that the arrangements are more important than the people.

They should be told, ?It?s a very small wedding ? just family and a few close friends.? And no, that?s not a lie, because ?small? and ?close? are subject to interpretation.

Read more here: https://www.kansascity.com/2013/02/26/4085871/miss-manners-this-wedding-trend.html#storylink=cpy

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