Never meant to be a mom.

MandiMal19 · May 2013

I know I'm opening myself up for judgement here, but I just have to vent and get this stuff off my chest before I explode. I don't know what else to do or where to turn. I don't dare tell my family, or anyone in my life, how I am feeling.

To be completely frank, I was never meant to be a mother. When I was a teenager and first went to a gynecologist, I was told I would most likely never have children because of medical issues, and that was fine with me because I never wanted them. In fact, the first time my husband asked me to marry him I said no because I knew how badly he wanted a family and that one of us would end up sacrificing and becoming unhappy. So when I got pregnant I was beyond shocked. I tried to be happy, to convince myself I wanted the baby, and sometimes I believed I truly did. But then I had to start giving up everything I loved. I couldn't play soccer anymore, I had to quit a job I adored because it was too physical and dangerous, and the most heartbreaking to me, I had to give up horseback riding, something I had done since I was 5 years old. Now, my son is seven months and I still can't do any of the things I did before. I have no free time for soccer, I can't go back to work because my paycheck would barely cover daycare, and worst of all, I can't ride anymore because my horse died suddenly before my son was born. I am so heartbroken over losing my beloved horse, there are no words to describe it. There is a huge part of my heart missing and most days it feels as though it will never heal. I'm no where near ready to own another horse, and even if I was, we couldn't afford it now with the baby.

I can't help feeling like a victim, even though I know I'm not. If I didn't want a baby, I should have used protection, even if I was told the chances of me getting pregnant were slim. But I am still so bitter and angry and sad.. and confused because I love my son so much. He is amazing, he makes me laugh and every day that he learns something new I am so proud I could burst. But then I have dark, horrible days where I just want to run away. It's like flipping a switch sometimes. I wish I was strong enough to fight it. I wish I was a better mom. I feel utterly hopeless. What is wrong with me?

princessyetz · May 2013

Oh, sweetie. There is nothing wrong with you. You have been through a lot! A surprise pregnancy, having to stop all your activities, leaving work, and the final blow - losing a best friend (your horse). I would say you are perfectly normal for feeling what you are feeling!

First, being a SAHM is not an easy job. So if your mind (or someone else) is telling you to suck it up because you have it easy by staying home, stop listening. It's not true. Staying home is HARD. It is isolating and draining. Even if your paycheck would hardly cover daycare, but it would make you a happier mama, I would say it is worth it. Talk to your DH/SO to see if this would be a possibility you two would be able to work out.

Something else to think about might be hiring a nanny/babysitter for a few hours a couple days per week (or even better, try to find a parent babysitting coop). This would give you time to get back to some activities you loved before baby. Maybe not to the extent that you had before but sometime is better than no time.

I don't know if medication would help (though it might). You could talk to a doc to find out. But I would definitely suggest finding a counselor to talk to about all this change and loss. Seriously, the loss of your horse is a huge loss if you are like most of my horse-loving family. It truly is like losing a family member. And all the change. That would be enough to make me lose it. I actually had a hard time with getting pregnant because we had been dealing with infertility for so long I started planning our life as a family of two and was actually happy about it and then I got pregnant. I should have been happy right? Not so much. I don't deal well with change and I had finally gotten my mind off the baby train and now I had to change all my plans. Of course I love DS now but it was a rough adjustment for me even after he was born. LOTS of counseling and some medication in my case helped immensely.

Things will get better. DO your best to reach out for help. Even if you just start with seeing a counselor. One thing I love about counselors is that they are legally bound to keep my secrets, especially the ones I am ashamed of, like not loving my DS at first sight. Try to be easy on yourself. This is a rough patch, but they never last forever.

MandiMal19 · May 2013

I can't thank you enough for such a kind response. I was really worried my story wouldn't be well received because it might seem petty next to what some others are struggling with. It was so nice just to read the words, "nothing is wrong with you."

You are so right about being a stay at home mom, it is draining! That is the perfect word. I have mentioned to my husband I'd like to go back to work and he was 100% supportive, as he is with most everything. He said the same thing you did, even if I am only covering daycare with my income, if it makes me feel better, it's worth it. But then I go and talk myself out of it by thinking things like we don't need to put money out for daycare when I am perfectly capable of staying home, or that I don't trust "strangers" with my baby. But maybe going back to work is something I should consider more seriously, even if only part time.

My mom said she is willing anytime to watch my son so I can go out and do whatever I want, but she is in her sixties, still works full time and I know how exhausting watching him is so I really don't like putting the extra strain on her.

It would be nice to talk to someone about everything I am feeling, I just worry no one will understand why I am so upset about losing my horse. You seem to, but not many people do. People think of horses and pets, but they really aren't, they are our partners. The connection I had with my gelding was like nothing else in this world. He was my everything before I got married and got pregnant, and now that huge part of my life is just gone and I will never, ever get it back. My heart is completely broken.

I can relate to your dislike of change. I am very much a plan-it-out person, I plan out all my meals for a week, for goodness sake! I just like to know what to expect and be in control of it. So I totally understand how you must have felt when you got pregnant after having it in your head that it wasn't going to happen and "moving on" from that life, so to speak.

After reading your response, I am really open to the idea of seeking help. It feels so good to be able to talk about these dark feelings I am having, to get it all out. I honestly can't thank you enough for your kind words and wonderful advice. You've made me feel better already. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

homebird · May 2013

There's nothing *wrong* with you, but I think you need to go to counseling/therapy to talk through these feelings and figure out a healthy way to deal with them. You need to learn to be happy again, for you and your family's sake.

brandi6102 · May 2013

I completely agree with princessyetz. I would also just like to add that I also felt some of those things with my first child. I actually always loved kids and they always seemed to flock to me. I always wanted a family. I planned my pregnancy. Then I had my daughter and I cried every day! I just kept thinking "what did I do!" I was so upset and angry that my life had completely changed. i still feel guilty sometimes that i felt that way because I love her so much! It definitely helped to talk about it and time helps! As my daughter gets older and is able to do more, I am able to do more and we can have fun together

I personally think the newborn infant stage kinda sucks but most days I love the toddler preschool stage. Hopefully this will be the case with you too and things will get better!

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