Reaction to bad behavior?

KathrynMD · May 2013

DD is 4.5. She's been having some typical struggles with behavior at school. Each day all the kids on the class are on green yellow or red for their behavior. She's on green most of the time, yellow occasionally and red a handful of times.

We've been rewarding her for green with a bike ride after school and we high five and make a really big deal about it, call her "Green Girl", we are kinds neutral for yellow, we say we're disappointed and talk about it, and red is no TV and we talk a lot about how disappointed we are a lot and don't really play with DD. this seems to be working BUT my question is on the red days should we be focusing on encouraging her to do better the next day or talking about being disappointed more.

memali26 · May 2013

I think it's fine to express your disappointment in her behavior, but I would also help her plan to do better the next day. For example, if she was on red that day because she was having trouble following directions, you can tell her how disappointed you are the she chose not to listen and follow directions, but then move on to helping her see how she can do better the next day. Work with her to come up with a "plan" like doing something the first time the teacher asks, asking for help/to hear the directions again if she didn't understand them, etc.

KathrynMD · May 2013

What does YMMV mean?

ridesbuttons · May 2013

I am a little agog that your preschool is ranking kids with behaviour cards. Do they come home with them? How is the information shared between teacher and child and child and parent?

I certainly don't think I would withhold playtime or interactive time with my 3-5 year old as punishment for receiving a red card. At most I guess I'd ask her why she earned a red card that day and how she might earn a green card the next.

LoveEeyore · May 2013

I am with the others for older kids, but at the preschool level, I think it is necessary to help them process what is going on in their little worlds. I think it is really imprtant to encourage communication about what is going on in school...laying a foundation for what I hope will be continued openness. The real world sucks and is hard. I want to help them navigate that.

I really think rather than punitive reaction, I would focus on having a dialogue about how that card went to yellow, then red. How she felt with the turns, did she feel they were justified, how she might have handled the situation better.

My kids are in a co-op. so with 3 children in a co-op preschool, I am there all the time, and I can tell you sometimes teachers misread situations, sometimes the kiddo is trying to do the right thing (Heck, my DD is reading the Ramona series and that is the theme). When I was in 2nd grade I was the good kid. Always. And I got in trouble one time for talking during class (I never did that, but a troubled kid my parents personally asked me to befriend was talking to me and I didn't shut up) and my name went on the board and I was traumatized. Seriously.

OUr preschool doesn't have behavior programs but if my kid were in trouble once a month, I'd focus on thoughful discussion, without more than, "It is important to Daddy and I that you are akways respectful and try your best at school." If my kid were engaging in aggressive or blatent noncompliant behavior, I would definitely begin a consequence at home.

shopgirl78 · May 2013

Many preschools, PreK & KG use a color chart (heck even 1st grade). The ending color of the day is recorded in a notebook generally. My son's school just deviated from this method this year. The school I work at still uses it.

DS1 has had issues with defiance. He has a lot of tenacity and when he gets stuck on what he wants to do..its hard to get him to do otherwise. He was in PreK3 last year and was sent to the office more times than I can count. I talked to him all last year about his behavior, how we can improve it, etc. This year, when he got sent to the office, he got sent to his room all evening. And he had a repeat, once he figured out that he was going to have real consequences at home, the behaviors have decreased actually stopped (no P's office since). I wouldn't do this for talking in the line and many regular school offenses but being defiant, can have potential safety issues. He would throw things in his rage and refuse to move (what if it was during an emergency). DS1 needs to follow the directions. He needed to learn to be more flexible. The Vegas approach didn't work for us, yet having real consequences did. For me, how I reacted to your DD's red card would be depend on the behavior severity that she exhibited. At the school, I work at kids behavior tends to be lacking due cultural and economic differences. There tends to be less parenting at home.

Emilia0101 · May 2013

I think about the same as I do at home. If DD had a really hard morning would I still be punishing the situation at night? Probably not. I don't really think at the preschool age they can understand long term cause and effect. What happened at 8am is still effecting what is happening at 8pm type of thing. I try to talk about improving the day tomorrow, but don't really dwell on the negative unless it was something major.

KathrynMD · May 2013

LoveEeyore:

I really think rather than punitive reaction, I would focus on having a dialogue about how that card went to yellow, then red. How she felt with the turns, did she feel they were justified, how she might have handled the situation better.

hmmm - yeah, this is a good idea. I do talk about what happened, but not really how she felt before/after she got on yellow or red. ... I'm going to try that too.

She's embarrassed when she's in trouble, but also kind of excited - like she can't wait to tell me what color she was on. I don't wnat to be atotalbitch about it, but I also want to make sure she gets the point that DH and I expect her to behave better in school. And, that she's getting a consistent message from us, that we have expectations for her behavior even when she's not with us. (Not high expectations - but some!)

74dragonfly · May 2013

I think punishing for bad behavior at school at this age is too much. I think they are a little young. I think talking about it is fine but I don't think you should withhold playing with her.

Lulobug22 · May 2013

I think it sounds like you're doing a good job. I tell my son I'm disappointed when he does something naughty and he has a consequence like a timeout in his room or losing tv time. It's our job as parents to teach our children to behave so IMO if they get in trouble at school parents need to be involved.

mgrulke · May 2013

-auntie-:

Beats me.

I'm a graduate of the Las Vegas School of Parenting.

Consequences for school behaviors stay at school unless my child has demonstrated unusually poor character- being mean, stealing, cheating, lying.

I reserve disappointment for bigger ticket items than a red card in preschool. I was disappointed when DS made fun of a little girl who sang in his kindie class and made her cry. I was disappointed when DS forged my name on a note from the teacher in 6th grade- especially since she was gunning for him and it was unnecessary. And when he got a 44% in his first college Algebra exam.

When we do behavioral autopsies, we always focus on ways he can do better next time the situation presents itself. YMMV, but it's what worked for us. I have a remarkably nice kid.

I agree that children do not need to get punished twice for thing that they do. Yes if they hurt someone else or had a horrible day then remind them about how to act, and maybe no tv or early to bed. But most of the time the teacher had disiplined already! Hope that makes sense.

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