Pep talk after insenitive post last night

scbedi · May 2013

Hi ladies!nbsp;I don't want to draw any more attention to that insensitive post last night, but I think it deserves a followup pep talk. Posts like that really don't deserve comments because they just rile the OP up and give them what they want, but I can never help myself. That post upset me more than I like to admit, which bothers me because that means OP won. She can not win ladies! Wie are strong, beautiful, caring, loving, and encouraging women!nbsp; You ladies have been nothing but encouraging since I started posting here back in January. I don't know how I could go through this IF journey without your encouragement and understanding. So, THANK YOU!

ETA: What has this board meant to you? nbsp;nbsp;

Akiesha · May 2013

Awww I just teared up a bit reading your post, You are right, we shouldn't let ignorant people get to us but it is hard sometimes. I just can't believe how insensitive people can be sometimes.

mlynn333 · May 2013

Thank you for this. I had been feeling like my emotions and need for support were inappropriate. It's great to have encouragement from the people here and to know that I can cry if I need to

RunCC37 · May 2013

You're right. It's so hard to ignore, but you're right. The more we feed into it, the worse it gets for us. I love the words you chose for this post and agree that this board is a great place. I haven't been posting here long, but I've seen nothing but compassion, great advice, and sincerity. It has already helped me so much.

shelbeans82 · May 2013

Well said scbedi!

I am SO thankful everyday that I have this board. I don't know how anyone could go through what we go through, without having a group of amazing women always there for you. This board is not only a great place for support, but I also feel so much more educated about treatments. Every single thing my RE said at our IUI consultation about the whole process, injects, etc... I heard here already. No surprises. That means a lot to me as well!

Thank You Ladies for being as amazing as you are!!

scbedi · May 2013

IntuitiveBlue:
I apologize in advance for the length, but please read through the whole thing before responding.nbsp;I didn't see that post until today but after reading it, I'm wondering if we didn't create our own mess there.Sure, she baited us with her questions and the way that they were phrased, but consider for a moment that her intentions were good and she honestly was looking for an explanation so that she could perhaps empathetize with the coworker she mentioned in the second and third posts where I stopped reading. I know it's tough to give her the benefit of the doubt, but go with it for some perspective here. Instead, we just assumed she was trying to start something and called her names way before her second post.We've had people come on this board in the past looking for advice on how to deal with a friend or sister or cousin going through IF. I remember one thread that really made me happy because this new mom came here to ask how to support her friend. And we answered her honestly and when the conversation ended, I felt like she left here with a plan to support her friend, and we knew we had helped someone going through the same thing we are dealing with.In last night's post, we did come across as bitter. We were defensive, and perhaps rightly so, but also, perhaps unnecessarily. We told her to think before she posted, but perhaps we need to take our own advice there. We missed an opportunity to tell her that it isn't spitefulness or envy or anything other than sadness that comes with the constant wondering of "will it ever be my turn?" that we all think each time we see or hear about someone who is pregnant. That it's a feeling of helplessness that eats at us because there's no guarantee that even with the best doctors in the world that we'll have our own biological child. And we ache because of that uncertainty and that helplessness and some days are worse than others. And some days are plain terrible because of the hormones or a bad doctor's appointment or the insensitivity of others especially family and especially especially inlaws!.This board has been a great source of information and support for me, and I've come to care for a lot of you. I don't even know your real names, but I routinely pray for everyone here in general, and several of the regulars specifically. I find myself coming back to check up on your appointments. I've grieved the bad diagnoses and the losses with you. I've even asked my RE for more information on some of your conditions so that I can try and be more encouraging.You ladies are a part of my daily routine. And with no local support groups, and few real life friends going through IF, I rely on you all a great deal to get through some days. I post here everyday. I try to pay forward the information I've learned from some of the seniors like KatiB and KatyJ especially. And though I'm crazy thrilled every time someone graduates from this board to PAIF, it's bittersweet because selfishly, I miss them.Getting to know all of you has been a blessing for me, and I know that everything that OP in THIS thread said about you and us is true. We are strong, beautiful, caring, loving and encouraging women. But we have to teach those who are not going through IF how to best support and encourage US, and that isn't easy. Let's take a step back and remember that while this is our safe haven, we have to live in the real world with real pregnancies that aren't ours, and the more we raise awareness about IF and teach others how to support us, the easier it is to get through it.nbsp;

I was going to try to mention a gist of this in this post, but didn't know how to. I definitely need to watch a edit the way I react.
ETA: I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt as well, but the more she responded and worst it got for me. I can't help but think she is probably dealing with things at home and maybe the only way she can feel good about herself is by putting down strangers online. I don't know what she is dealing with. The only person I can control is myself and how I react. So I will try harder.

Jellyfish42 · May 2013

IntuitiveBlue:

I am sorry, but it is difficult to give her the benefit of the doubt. The way the original post read she didn't sound like she was gaining perspective for herself or empathy towards a coworker, she was asking why women 'like us' pull away from women 'like her' who are pregnant. She got rather thoughtful responses...sure a few were a bit stiff, but I can imagine they read more negativity in her orginal post. She didn't mention the coworker until a later response. IMO, she sounded like she was making herself some sort of victim of pregnancy persecution or something, and that it was all our faults for being bitter fruitless women. Call me a forever cynic, but I read it as her being spiteful herself, and her responses only proved that further for me.

Jellyfish42 · May 2013

FTR, I love this community. You ladies have shown me nothing but caring support. I may be just starting out on this journey, but I have learned so much about making the right decisions for me and my (future) family. I see nothing but strength, compassion, honesty, and love in this group of women. I thank each of you for helping me gain knowledge and helping me find the strength in myself to begin moving forward towards treatment. I am so proud of each ladie who gets to move on and thoughts are always on my mind for the women still here. I hope to get to know everyone better and that one day, we will all be moving on to better things.

JennyS86 · May 2013

I am so, so, so thankful for this board. I know I am relatively new, but I have received nothing but excellent information and well wishes.

I don't have any "IRL" friends going through IF. (If fact, I have very few friends wanting to start a family yet for that matter.) and DH, while very supportive, just doesn't take this as hard as I do (this I have also learned from the board) because men process IF so differently. He also has the patience of a saint!

most importantly, I would not have referred myself to an RE without this board!

Thanks ladies! you all are so inspiring!

ttuprincess · May 2013

IntuitiveBlue:

I agree with you to some extent. However, I think the post garnered the negative response it did because it was worded in an accusatory manner -- why do you guys snap at people who post pics of their babies, why "can't you handle" seeing pregnant women.... There was no reference to the coworker until later. Had she come to this board and said "I have a co worker who has been ignoring me since I got pregnant and I think it might be because she struggles with IF. Could you guys give me some insight into this or how I can best approach her...." she would have received a different response. That being said, I personally, need to do a better job of being less reactive and think try to put myself in the shoes of the other person as I hope they would do for me.

In response to OP, I have found this board to be a wonderful resource for information and support. I don't really have anyone in my life who I can talk to about IF. I talk to some friends but they do not understand so because of that, I find myself just not talking about it. Taking that approach can be sad and isolating. This board really is my safe place. Where I can whine, complain, or rejoice in the small victories with people who understand. I am forever appreciative for this board and you ladies. I don't "know" you outside of this board but I often feel like I do. I often find myself wondering how someone's procedure went or praying for those of you who are struggling.

In short, I am grateful for this board and each and every one of you.

JennyS86 · May 2013

Also, I wanted to tell the insensitive OP yesterday: Would you walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and sing out how you're not an alcoholic?! (cocktail in hand!)

This is our support system. we don't ever tell each other how to feel.

Durham1008 · May 2013

Jellyfish42:
IntuitiveBlue:

I am sorry, but it is difficult to give her the benefit of the doubt. The way the original post read she didn't sound like she was gaining perspective for herself or empathy towards a coworker, she was asking why women 'like us' pull away from women 'like her' who are pregnant. She got rather thoughtful responses...sure a few were a bit stiff, but I can imagine they read more negativity in her orginal post. She didn't mention the coworker until a later response. IMO, she sounded like she was making herself some sort of victim of pregnancy persecution or something, and that it was all our faults for being bitter fruitless women. Call me a forever cynic, but I read it as her being spiteful herself, and her responses only proved that further for me.

Yes This. If she had been less accusatory in her original post, I would've been nicer. I've been here long enough to see the "you're all bitter, horrible people!!!eleventy!!" post coming. It's tiring, after trying for three years and being on this board for almost two years, to see that kind of post repeatedly. She wasn't looking for advice. She was trying to hurt people.

OP, this board has helped me get through every BFN, every cancelled cycle, every pregnancy announcement. Sometimes I really miss some of the grads though. It's hard watching people here move on too while I'm still here.

briannaasaro · May 2013

Thanks for this!
I never responded to her yesterday because I don't believe you can fight that kind of ignorance over the internet. That said, I DID write a post about it on my blog, because she isn't the first person to "not get it" and probably won't be the last.

https://10minuteeggs.wordpress.com/

Check it out. I made myself, laugh, anyway. I don't like to let folks like that make me feel worse. I try to find the humor in it and keep on trucking.

mrsrichey11 · May 2013

Thank you for posting this. That thread seriously made me more upset than it should have. I don't post super often anymore, but this board has gotten me through some of my worst IF days. I knew that if I came on here and posted my rant you guys would jump in on my side and get me through it with laughs and a jug-o-wine. Without this board I would have taken Clomid with my OB for three months with no monitoring and CD21 bloodwork. I read this board every day. Sometimes its the only thing that gets me through a bad IF day. You ladies are amazing! I love you all!

Beelinda2013 · May 2013

IntuitiveBlue:
I apologize in advance for the length, but please read through the whole thing before responding.nbsp;I didn't see that post until today but after reading it, I'm wondering if we didn't create our own mess there.Sure, she baited us with her questions and the way that they were phrased, but consider for a moment that her intentions were good and she honestly was looking for an explanation so that she could perhaps empathetize with the coworker she mentioned in the second and third posts where I stopped reading. I know it's tough to give her the benefit of the doubt, but go with it for some perspective here. Instead, we just assumed she was trying to start something and called her names way before her second post.We've had people come on this board in the past looking for advice on how to deal with a friend or sister or cousin going through IF. I remember one thread that really made me happy because this new mom came here to ask how to support her friend. And we answered her honestly and when the conversation ended, I felt like she left here with a plan to support her friend, and we knew we had helped someone going through the same thing we are dealing with.In last night's post, we did come across as bitter. We were defensive, and perhaps rightly so, but also, perhaps unnecessarily. We told her to think before she posted, but perhaps we need to take our own advice there. We missed an opportunity to tell her that it isn't spitefulness or envy or anything other than sadness that comes with the constant wondering of "will it ever be my turn?" that we all think each time we see or hear about someone who is pregnant. That it's a feeling of helplessness that eats at us because there's no guarantee that even with the best doctors in the world that we'll have our own biological child. And we ache because of that uncertainty and that helplessness and some days are worse than others. And some days are plain terrible because of the hormones or a bad doctor's appointment or the insensitivity of others especially family and especially especially inlaws!.This board has been a great source of information and support for me, and I've come to care for a lot of you. I don't even know your real names, but I routinely pray for everyone here in general, and several of the regulars specifically. I find myself coming back to check up on your appointments. I've grieved the bad diagnoses and the losses with you. I've even asked my RE for more information on some of your conditions so that I can try and be more encouraging.You ladies are a part of my daily routine. And with no local support groups, and few real life friends going through IF, I rely on you all a great deal to get through some days. I post here everyday. I try to pay forward the information I've learned from some of the seniors like KatiB and KatyJ especially. And though I'm crazy thrilled every time someone graduates from this board to PAIF, it's bittersweet because selfishly, I miss them.Getting to know all of you has been a blessing for me, and I know that everything that OP in THIS thread said about you and us is true. We are strong, beautiful, caring, loving and encouraging women. But we have to teach those who are not going through IF how to best support and encourage US, and that isn't easy. Let's take a step back and remember that while this is our safe haven, we have to live in the real world with real pregnancies that aren't ours, and the more we raise awareness about IF and teach others how to support us, the easier it is to get through it.nbsp;

This actually made me cry... I AM a ball of emotions and was quick to respond to people taking offense to my post...Going back and reading what I originally wrote, I can see how it came off as insensitive, but I really didn't mean it that way at first. When reading the responses, I jumped to conclusions. I really did. This was the most informative, beautifully written explanation to my question. I am not trying to win any points, change anything, I just wanted to say that I can see a lot more into what many of you are going through. I apologize for being insensitive. I guess it's hard to understand if you have never walked in someone's shoes...

It's true. I AM hurt by my coworkers coldness towards me now. It was a budding friendship and I lumped her behavior into a personality profile that fit this board... to me. I felt some of the dismissive comments confirmed that for me, and maybe that is what I was looking for. Probably was.

Thank you so very much for this amazing perspective into IF and what people go through. I will try to be sensitive to my coworker's feelings... Maybe she will come around? Maybe not.

I'm sorry for coming off ignorant because I am when it comes to this. If I do decide to stick around on the tri boards, I may keep the same sig or may not, since I don't know if people can move past some of the things I wrote... Such is life. Thank you for this... Best of luck to the ladies trying for a baby. I tried for about a year, and didn't know this board was here. I feel I invaded something I knew nothing of.

Again, thank you for this. I know this was obviously for the board of women here, but I read it twice and it helped me so much.

scbedi · May 2013

Beelinda2013:
IntuitiveBlue:
I apologize in advance for the length, but please read through the whole thing before responding.nbsp;I didn't see that post until today but after reading it, I'm wondering if we didn't create our own mess there.Sure, she baited us with her questions and the way that they were phrased, but consider for a moment that her intentions were good and she honestly was looking for an explanation so that she could perhaps empathetize with the coworker she mentioned in the second and third posts where I stopped reading. I know it's tough to give her the benefit of the doubt, but go with it for some perspective here. Instead, we just assumed she was trying to start something and called her names way before her second post.We've had people come on this board in the past looking for advice on how to deal with a friend or sister or cousin going through IF. I remember one thread that really made me happy because this new mom came here to ask how to support her friend. And we answered her honestly and when the conversation ended, I felt like she left here with a plan to support her friend, and we knew we had helped someone going through the same thing we are dealing with.In last night's post, we did come across as bitter. We were defensive, and perhaps rightly so, but also, perhaps unnecessarily. We told her to think before she posted, but perhaps we need to take our own advice there. We missed an opportunity to tell her that it isn't spitefulness or envy or anything other than sadness that comes with the constant wondering of "will it ever be my turn?" that we all think each time we see or hear about someone who is pregnant. That it's a feeling of helplessness that eats at us because there's no guarantee that even with the best doctors in the world that we'll have our own biological child. And we ache because of that uncertainty and that helplessness and some days are worse than others. And some days are plain terrible because of the hormones or a bad doctor's appointment or the insensitivity of others especially family and especially especially inlaws!.This board has been a great source of information and support for me, and I've come to care for a lot of you. I don't even know your real names, but I routinely pray for everyone here in general, and several of the regulars specifically. I find myself coming back to check up on your appointments. I've grieved the bad diagnoses and the losses with you. I've even asked my RE for more information on some of your conditions so that I can try and be more encouraging.You ladies are a part of my daily routine. And with no local support groups, and few real life friends going through IF, I rely on you all a great deal to get through some days. I post here everyday. I try to pay forward the information I've learned from some of the seniors like KatiB and KatyJ especially. And though I'm crazy thrilled every time someone graduates from this board to PAIF, it's bittersweet because selfishly, I miss them.Getting to know all of you has been a blessing for me, and I know that everything that OP in THIS thread said about you and us is true. We are strong, beautiful, caring, loving and encouraging women. But we have to teach those who are not going through IF how to best support and encourage US, and that isn't easy. Let's take a step back and remember that while this is our safe haven, we have to live in the real world with real pregnancies that aren't ours, and the more we raise awareness about IF and teach others how to support us, the easier it is to get through it.nbsp;

This actually made me cry... I AM a ball of emotions and was quick to respond to people taking offense to my post...Going back and reading what I originally wrote, I can see how it came off as insensitive, but I really didn't mean it that way at first. When reading the responses, I jumped to conclusions. I really did. This was the most informative, beautifully written explanation to my question. I am not trying to win any points, change anything, I just wanted to say that I can see a lot more into what many of you are going through. I apologize for being insensitive. I guess it's hard to understand if you have never walked in someone's shoes...

It's true. I AM hurt by my coworkers coldness towards me now. It was a budding friendship and I lumped her behavior into a personality profile that fit this board... to me. I felt some of the dismissive comments confirmed that for me, and maybe that is what I was looking for. Probably was.

Thank you so very much for this amazing perspective into IF and what people go through. I will try to be sensitive to my coworker's feelings... Maybe she will come around? Maybe not.

I'm sorry for coming off ignorant because I am when it comes to this. If I do decide to stick around on the tri boards, I may keep the same sig or may not, since I don't know if people can move past some of the things I wrote... Such is life. Thank you for this... Best of luck to the ladies trying for a baby. I tried for about a year, and didn't know this board was here. I feel I invaded something I knew nothing of.

Again, thank you for this. I know this was obviously for the board of women here, but I read it twice and it helped me so much.

I am sorry you are having a hard time and I could tell by your response that you were hurt by your coworker. Thank you for your apology and I apologize right back. Many of us definitely me!! are a ball of emotions because if hormones and medications/fertility treatments. I accept your apology and I hope others do as well.

APotterHead · May 2013

I came to this board because of the knowledge and support. Some days it is what gets me through. Thanks to everyone here on 3TC for being strong, supportive, kind, informative women!

rox825 · May 2013

RunCC37:
You're right. It's so hard to ignore, but you're right. The more we feed into it, the worse it gets for us.

This is why I personally refuse to respond to or acknowledge posts like that, it's not worth the energy, it gives the poster exactly what she wants, and it promotes negativity, which is so not what this board is about.

I'm incredibly grateful to have you all as a support system, since we've started treatment again I haven't told anyone IRL so this is the only place where I can come to share excitement, hope, frustration, anger, sadness, and everything else that comes with IF. So thank you all for being so wonderful and understanding. Have a great week ladies!!

mmhopeful · May 2013

This board is AMAZING! It means courage, grace, compassion, and empathy ARE STILL in the world! , especially when it can be so hard to find it among people going about their busy lives who already have families. You have all inspired me to love the life I have, give of myself whenever I can, and hold onto hope that one day we will ALL graduate from this board. I read this site a few times a day, and look to learn, as well as support others. You have been here for me and so effortlessly put into words the feelings I was having and made me feel not as alone as IF can make one feel. Our lives have value and matter so much to each other as we share the day-to-day events that give our lives meaning. Thank you all for being willing to give of your time to a complete stranger, thus making a great beginning to friendship! Smile

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