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August 2013 Moms
kkay1982
member
Sister wants to get pregnant
kkay1982
member
Not sure if this is a rant or a question or what it is but I need to get it out. And doing this here where I don't know anyone is probably best. Sorry so long.
I love my sister but we are night and day. She's two years older than me but just got married about 5 months ago. She decided to IM today to tell me she is stopping birth control so they can get pregnant. I'm not excited for her for two reason. 1 and this is me being honest and hormonal, part of me feels she is doing this to get attention back on her there is a history of this and 2 this one is much more important, they have only been married 5 months, are still working through a lot of things, have not that much income and no insurance. When I asked her about health insurance she just said they would use medical. I know I am an over planner and how I live my life is different than how she does and that is fine, but I don't think they are ready.
She also told everyone on April Fools tha she was pregnant and while my family didn't believe her because we have a history if April Fools it brought the subject up between me and my mom and so while I don't know if my mom knows yet I do know she shares my concerns.
Any thoughts?
I love my sister but we are night and day. She's two years older than me but just got married about 5 months ago. She decided to IM today to tell me she is stopping birth control so they can get pregnant. I'm not excited for her for two reason. 1 and this is me being honest and hormonal, part of me feels she is doing this to get attention back on her there is a history of this and 2 this one is much more important, they have only been married 5 months, are still working through a lot of things, have not that much income and no insurance. When I asked her about health insurance she just said they would use medical. I know I am an over planner and how I live my life is different than how she does and that is fine, but I don't think they are ready.
She also told everyone on April Fools tha she was pregnant and while my family didn't believe her because we have a history if April Fools it brought the subject up between me and my mom and so while I don't know if my mom knows yet I do know she shares my concerns.
Any thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sister wants to get pregnant
Nora Grace Due 12/26/2016
Two Angel Babies
07/03/2012
08/08/2015
"If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.
You are my angel, my darling,
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are."
I have/had a friend who just celebrated her five year anniversary with her H. Back in August she told me that her H was "finally letting her go over the pill and start trying." This came after knowing her for about 6 months, and the entire time he was hot and cold about whether or not he wanted a child. They don't necessarily live paycheck to paycheck, but that's ONLY because they budget well. Their income exactly matches their expenses. Additionally, they have had multiple huge marital issues just during the time that I've known them, namely her keeping in touch with people from past relationships whom he is jealous of (and has every right to be). These are two people who I would never pick as candidates to start a family. Her health care plan was to get on Medicaid as soon as she got pregnant (this bothered me greatly). They got pregnant two weeks after she went off the pill. She's having her son tomorrow.
The whole situation upsets me. But when you throw in that she planned to go on Medicaid after intentionally becoming pregnant, the whole thing just sickens me a little. That's not how I was raised, and IMO that's abusing the system. They're both very excited for their son, and (to my GREAT surprise) have his nursery completely ready. We don't talk regularly, but we didn't talk regularly before either.
But there is nothing I can do or could have done to change the outcome of the situation. I felt like she was rubbing my face in the whole thing, because my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a year a half when they started trying. I would say it ruined our friendship, but we weren't that friendly to begin with. And she's also been cut away from the majority of her other friends because of how she's been over the last several months. Your sister sounds similar, and she may end up losing the majority of her extra-familial surpport system like my friend did, but there's nothing you can do about it. (sorry for the novel, just hope it helps a little)
She is an adult, married and has every right to choose to have a baby.
My sister is also trying, as much as I know she should wait, I support her decision. I think you are also being selfish in saying that she just wants the attention on her, as in off of you. Sounds like you are the "oh she stole my thunder," type. I have other people in my family who are pregnant right now, I don't mind at all.
Reality is, you can't control what her and her husband decide to do in their marriage/life. So why try?
ETA their financial situation was not and still is less than optimal.
this. Let her have her moment, too. Regardless of what your judgements are. At the end of the day, what matters is that she's happy and that you were a supportive sister.
This. And I also agree that time together has no bearing on when to have children. My DH and I conceived DS the month following our wedding. Granted we dated for almost 4 years before we got married, but we didn't live together until two months before our wedding. I honestly wouldn't voice your concerns to your sister. Like everyone else says, she is an adult and needs to learn for herself. It's great that you care and are worried, but all you will accomplish is pissing off your sister. Is it worth potentially harming your relationship with her? Just try to be happy for her and focus on your own little family.
I'll give you a look at it from the other side. I am the younger sister out of the two of us. My sister hasn't 100% liked my DH from the beginning. First it was issues because I had pretty much just turned 17 and he was about to be 21 when we first met, but I couldn't help falling hopelessly in love with him. Then it was issues because we planned to get married on our 1 year anniversary. She thought I was too young, moving too fast and being really dumb about the whole thing. We fought constantly and loudly that first year we dated, and into the first year we were married. But at the end of the day, we couldn't even think of not sharing the same bed, there was seriously only 1 night I "slept" on the couch, and it was horrible.
Then about a year ago my birth control was making me super sick. I couldn't even stand the smell of food and was having sever cramping/stomach issues. I tried switching but it didn't help. So my DH and I decided not to worry about it. If I got pregnant, then we could deal with it. About the time I told my sister this, she thought I was again young and dumb and basically said I wasn't ready for a baby. But then turned right around and stopped taking her birth control saying it was making her sick too.
She has done the same thing to me some times where I felt like she was trying to steal my thunder. She even cut in on MY father daughter dance at MY wedding. And within a couple months she was pregnant with her second. I was super happy for her. But I feel your pain with this one.
Fast forward to New Years Eve when I got my BFP. When I told her, seem did little to hide how unexcited she was. One of the first things she said was "And you just went and got drunk off your two nights ago." I already felt horrible about that, but it was my 21st birthday, I didn't know I was pregnant, and I only had 2 Bahama mamas. I tried to do a couple shots, but immediately lost those.
Then she proceeded to bash me about how I am going to pay for everything and how my DH is going to be since he obviously doesn't like kids. (FYI he loves kids, just not hers because he can be a total brat, throw something at my DH and my sister doesn't do anything to disciplined him, but instead makes DH out to be the bad guy.) At the time I didn't plan out having to go with medicaid but other insurances were just way to high, and I am going to do what I have to do to make sure my LO gets the care she needs. She made me feel horrible about having to go on medicaid and made it seem like DH wasn't working enough to make enough to support us.Or I should get off my lazy @ss and get back to work (I had to quit a couple months prior because the stress of work was making me physically ill.) Even with both of us working it wouldn't be enough to cover everything.
Basically my sister has been very unsupportive to everything I have done. It makes it really hard for me to want to have anything to do with her. DH has been the absolute best this whole pregnancy. Even bringing me home anything I happen to mention I'm craving.
I'm sorry for the novel lol. While you might feel she isn't ready, just remember everyone moves at their own pace and she might feel she is. You have to let people make their own mistake, and while it sucks because this one involves a new little life, it is their choice. As for stealing your thunder, maybe she is, but maybe she never even thought of it that way. I would tell her how you feel in a calm non-judgmental way how you feel about that. And no matter what they decide to do, just try not to bash them for the decision they make. Even if you really want to.
Again sorry for the novel but maybe it will help you see where she is coming from too. Good Luck, I hope you and your sister can work it out.
Yea, apart of me feels like you don't want her to steal your "pregnancy thunder" because why else would someone be this concerned about matters that have NOTHING to do with them.
This.
the joke probably actually started conversations. DH and I were convinced and wait til he was fine with school to start trying. Then we noted around about why wait... We sat down, had a big conversation and decided to start trying... that month.
Yeah, the Medicaid hate I see on the TB bothers me a ton. For some people, Medicaid is the only way they can safely have a baby with prenatal care because they otherwise would not be able to afford medical insurance because their job doesn't offer it, and individual insurance rates are sky high. Reproducing isn't something that exists only for the financially well off.
This. Sounds like you're the one who wants all the attention right now. I am begging my sister to get pregnant so we can have kids that are close in age.
While I don't agree with the OP about judging her sister, I don't agree with planning to live off the system as "a way of life". While I don't think you need to be well off in order to reproduce, I don't think you should plan to have a child you can't afford. Yes, life happens, people lose their jobs etc (been there done that) but planning to be on medicaid, or welfare as a means of making ends meet is abusing the system.
I'm not advocating that people plan on living off the system as a way of life (which, by the way is incredibly difficult considering the conditions that were put on welfare in the 1990s, but that's another story and big misunderstanding people have). I'm just saying that there are loads of situations where people don't have health insurance, but they otherwise have the money to support a child. I don't think that the complete and utter dysfunction of our health care system should be a reason that people shouldn't have children.
And going on Medicaid isn't living off the system. Neither is using Wic or any other assistance out there. And just because people qualify for these programs doesn't mean they can't afford a baby. Babies really don't need much.