Mother's Day fail

SunAndRain · May 2013

DH asked me if he could go away for a guys weekend the weekend after next. We have a 10 month old. I said it was fine with me.

THen I checked my calendar - that Sunday is Mother's day!

What kills me is that clearly he has nothing planned for Mom's Day. Hasn't given a thought (other than the gift I told him I wanted) to planning anything to do as a family.

I emailed him to tell him that it is Mother's Day and that spending it without my entire immediate family isn't what I had envisioned. He wrote back and said we would spend the weekend together as a family. But I'm pissed that he overlooked my first Mom's day!

Am I overreacting?

CrawltheWarriorKing · May 2013

By saying you would spend the weekend together as a family what does he mean that he's cancelling or that another weekend he would do it?

As far has giving thought to what to do on Mother's day, let's be honest most guys plan our birthday/holidays events or gifts a day or two before. The fact that over a week away and he hasn't planned anything wouldn't really bother me.

The question is, if he's cancelling his guys weekend.

EastCoastBride · May 2013

I think that what matters is that once it was brought to his attention, he changed his plans. I don't readily keep track of these kind of dates. And as you all have never celebrate Mothers/Fathers Day before, I can see how it wouldn't be entirely on his radar.

cecilyandgautam · May 2013

My husband also didn't plan anything for my first Mother's Day, even though I actually reminded him several times. The morning of, he asked me what I wanted to do, we agreed on a BBQ, for which I had to go out and buy the stuff. Lame.

I was honestly disappointed and kinda hurt but decided not to hold a grudge. His proposal was equally unplanned, so I knew what I was signing up for when I married him.

pitterpatter129 · May 2013

Well...to be fair, you didn't realize that day was Mother's Day either. I always get last minute flowers and a card (sometimes it's even signed! A few times for other holidays./bdays it was not...) So, my expectations are low I guess. And in "guy world" it's still 2ish weeks away, so he still has time to plan. In my world, I made MD gifts for the gmas a month ago.

ss+el · May 2013

I would be a little peeved that he didn't think to check a calendar, but honestly, if my Mom didn't send out an email to my siblings (most of which are local) to see who wanted to do a meal for each holiday, I'd forget to plan for half of them myself.

I have to wonder how many of the other guys are Dads. Hopefully, him cancelling on them will make them all realize they didn't pick the best weekend.

honeybee72 · May 2013

(1) You didn't know it was Mother's Day until you checked the calendar yourself, AFTER you had agreed to his trip. It's possible he didn't realize it either.

(2) When you reminded him that it was Mother's Day, he changed his plans and agreed to spend the weekend with you and your LO.

So yes, it sounds like you're overreacting to me.

And FWIW, this is probably not something I would have emailed him about. I would have talked to him in person.

mittensonkittens · May 2013

My DH went away for a guys weekend my first Mothers Day, and it wasn't a big deal. They booked the trip before any of us realized it was Mothers Day weekend. So we just celebrated another day. DH felt really bad and tried really hard to make it special when we did celebrate. I honestly didn't care. In college when we were dating, I would move Valentines Day if it interfered with my schedule. You don't have to celebrate the same time as everyone else in order for it to be meaningful.

Virgo17 · May 2013

I'm sure he just didn't realize it was the same weekend. It's not like Christmas where it is ALWAYS December 25th. Most men are not planning gifts, etc. weeks in advance.

I guess I wouldn't have a huge issue with him even going that weekend if they were going to be home fairly early on Sunday, but this also isn't my first Mother's Day. I'd rather DH get me a gift card for a spa day then spend all of Mother's Day with me Stick out tongue

litzo27 · May 2013

Agree with PP. Totally not a big deal in my family. In fact I'm going to a conference on MD myself. Now if he forgot my birthday...

SunAndRain · May 2013

Yes, he did cancel once I brought it to his attention.

I agree I am holding him to unrealistic standards when it comes to planning in advance.

What is odd is that the friend who is organizing everything has two children, so either he doesn't realize it either or his wife doesn't care. I think their oldest is 10 so maybe the novelty has worn off.

Email between DH and I isn't a big deal. It helps up stay on top of things. There isn't enough hours in the evenings for us to talk about al the details we need to run by each other. And by then I'm too tired to remember them all anyway

Thanks everyone!

EastCoastBride · May 2013

SunAndRain:
Email between DH and I isn't a big deal. It helps up stay on top of things. There isn't enough hours in the evenings for us to talk about al the details we need to run by each other. And by then I'm too tired to remember them all anyway

I totally hear you on this!

jennynorene · May 2013

I think its a bit of an overreaction but I may be coming from a different perspective. Personally, I don't give a hoot about Mother's Day. What matters is how we treat each other and show appreciation for one another all year long. I don't need a special day for it. But...I'm also someone who regularly forgets birthdays and doesn't do cards for anything other than Christmas. I don't make a big deal of my birthday either.

Iblamethebeer · May 2013

Okay, I'll be the dissenter.

Yes, this would annoy me.

What I have finally been able to articulate to DH after being indiscriminately bothered for a few years is that I think there is such a thing as an "insensitive ask."

By that I mean when DH gets an invitation and asks me kid-to-parent style whether he can go, without taking a wholistic look at the family calendar first and considering whether it's a reasonable idea. And yes, as part of that, I expect him to loosely keep track of holidays, birthdays, etc and to perform analysis like "hm, I'm not sure exactly when mother's day is, but I know it's mid-spring so I should check the date if I'm considering a mid-spring guy's weekend."

I really don't know a wife/mom who wouldn't perform roughly that same analysis before making tentative plans herself.

And, FWIW, DH will be at a guys' weekend (that he planned/scheduled) on our anniversary this year. I'm cool with it because he came to me and said he had looked through the calendar, there were various conflicts with the other weekends that month, he knew it was our anniversary but would I be okay celebrating the next weekend. That's a totally different beast than forgetting our anniversary when scheduling and putting me in the position of having to say "well, um, that weekend is our anniversary so, I mean, I guess it's okay, but..."

shannm · May 2013

Iblamethebeer:
What I have finally been able to articulate to DH after being indiscriminately bothered for a few years is that I think there is such a thing as an "insensitive ask."

By that I mean when DH gets an invitation and asks me kid-to-parent style whether he can go, without taking a wholistic look at the family calendar first and considering whether it's a reasonable idea. And yes, as part of that, I expect him to loosely keep track of holidays, birthdays, etc and to perform analysis like "hm, I'm not sure exactly when mother's day is, but I know it's mid-spring so I should check the date if I'm considering a mid-spring guy's weekend."

I really don't know a wife/mom who wouldn't perform roughly that same analysis before making tentative plans herself.

This is an excellent explanation. I have a hard time explaining to DH why I get annoyed if he doesn't put in the same effort as me when it comes to our schedule. He is getting better but I may have to share this with him. Thanks!

mben1119 · May 2013

Meh, I'm not DH's mother, so he doesn't buy me gifts for Mother's day. Same with Father's Day-that's for my dad and his dad, not for me to buy him a gift.

DH even asked me this year if I wanted something, and I told him no, that when our son is old enough, he and I will celebrate that day.

I think you're overreacting though.

starlettedir · May 2013

honeybee72:

(1) You didn't know it was Mother's Day until you checked the calendar yourself, AFTER you had agreed to his trip. It's possible he didn't realize it either.

(2) When you reminded him that it was Mother's Day, he changed his plans and agreed to spend the weekend with you and your LO.

So yes, it sounds like you're overreacting to me.

And FWIW, this is probably not something I would have emailed him about. I would have talked to him in person.

ditto

dimondwind · May 2013

I would say yes, you are over reacting. But then again, I really don't care much about Mother's day.

ferris0906 · May 2013

Honestly, it would really bug me. It's your first Mother's Day as a mom, and he should have realized that--after all that you likely do for your little one, it is not also your job to remind him to celebrate you. Definite fail on his part.

kristennd · May 2013

mabenner1:
Meh, I'm not DH's mother, so he doesn't buy me gifts for Mother's day. Same with Father's Day-that's for my dad and his dad, not for me to buy him a gift.
DH even asked me this year if I wanted something, and I told him no, that when our son is old enough, he and I will celebrate that day.

That's how we're doing it too.

SunAndRain · May 2013

Iblamethebeer:
Okay, I'll be the dissenter.

Yes, this would annoy me.

What I have finally been able to articulate to DH after being indiscriminately bothered for a few years is that I think there is such a thing as an "insensitive ask."

By that I mean when DH gets an invitation and asks me kid-to-parent style whether he can go, without taking a wholistic look at the family calendar first and considering whether it's a reasonable idea. And yes, as part of that, I expect him to loosely keep track of holidays, birthdays, etc and to perform analysis like "hm, I'm not sure exactly when mother's day is, but I know it's mid-spring so I should check the date if I'm considering a mid-spring guy's weekend."

I really don't know a wife/mom who wouldn't perform roughly that same analysis before making tentative plans herself.

And, FWIW, DH will be at a guys' weekend (that he planned/scheduled) on our anniversary this year. I'm cool with it because he came to me and said he had looked through the calendar, there were various conflicts with the other weekends that month, he knew it was our anniversary but would I be okay celebrating the next weekend. That's a totally different beast than forgetting our anniversary when scheduling and putting me in the position of having to say "well, um, that weekend is our anniversary so, I mean, I guess it's okay, but..."

Thank you! This is exactly the conversation I am going to have with my DH tonight . In-person, not over email.

I didn't set expectations but I DID put both Mother's and Father's days on our outlook calendars so we would take them in to consideration when scheduling something.

Actually I only realized it was Mother's Day when I went to contact a few girl friends to plan a hike for that Sunday since he would have been out of town. I checked my calendar to get the correct date.

Thanks again all!

groovygrl · May 2013

Yeah...since he changed plans immediately when you reminded him, I don't think it is a big deal.

I booked flights for our summer vacay on father's day 2 weeks ago & just realized yesterday that was the day we were flying... MH was involved in the conversation and I doubt he realized it either... I told him we could celebrate it on saturday or on the following Sunday...I don't really think he cares but it happens.