New here and need advice

scorpgirl1120 · May 2013

Ok, I'm going to jump on a soap box for a minute because I really need help understanding what's happening to the hubby and I. My hope writing here is (well I really don't hope this happens to anyone else) that someone can help me to not feel so final about the baby process.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a while. Finally, we went to a fertility doctor and learned my husband has no sperm coming out. So, this week (Monday) he went in for surgery. He went through all this pain in hopes to giving me a baby only to find out he is sterile. I'm quite devastated. I've tried to remain strong and emotionless for him while he recovers but I'm just falling apart inside!

I love my husband dearly and wouldn't consider leaving him in a million years! We've talked about adoption and a sperm donor but, I know he doesn't want to adopt and, even though he doesn't say it (anymore), I know if we used a sperm donor he would feel the child is half mine and none of his. I've tried to explain otherwise but of course I'm not going to make him use a sperm donor if he's not comfortable with it. Am I being ridiculous? Should we just go forward with a sperm donor when he tells me it's ok but I know he's only saying that because he knows how badly I want a baby? Or should we just accept that our family needs to be complete without babies?

Does anyone have any helpful advice for me???

ladyrader0227 · May 2013

While I can't give first hand advice - I wanted to say welcome. I hope that you find the answer you are looking for. There are lots of great women on this board who I hope can share their stories. (mine is an egg challenge rather than sperm)

2MamazInSeattle · May 2013

Just adding a welcome to you, and a few thoughts. My wife and I are both women, so we never had the possibility of having a child together - however, I can imagine the sadness of not being able to make a baby as a couple. I think PPs said it best in that accepting the 'loss' of having a genetic child takes time. We had to use both an egg and sperm donor for our IVF - my eggs were tired and old and because we wanted the best shot at a take-home baby, we jumped straight to DE IVF- we've struggled with what it will be like for our baby to not be related genetically to either of us. It sounds like this news is very fresh and new for both of you, and taking a bit of time to digest it and allow the fog to clear will allow you to have some good discussions and decide where to go next. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope things work out.

melkel559 · May 2013

Hi, welcome, and I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. We are dealing with severe MFI. It's been a long road but ultimately we decided to use DS as we agreed it would give us the best shot at actually achieving a pregnancy and sooner rather than later. But, it took both of us quite some time to make that decision and to be comfortable with it. After our failed IVF in November, DH said something along the lines of "oh well, we'll just use donor sperm." I knew he was saying this out of guilt at the time because he felt like the reason for our failure. We took some time to grieve the loss of a biological child together as some of the other ladies have said. I tabled the IF talk for a while and let DH soul search and decide what he was and was not comfortable with. And I did the same, along with educating myself on sperm banks, reading books like Helping the Stork, and figuring out if this was a route that we could really take.

Once we were both on board, we were both in 100 percent. I am now 8 weeks pregnant from our second DIUI and though the baby is only half of us biologically, DH refers to the baby all the time as his. Each day that passes, each ultrasound we go to together, it is a bonding experience and the biological tie idea fades away.

GL to you both in whatever you decide to do moving forward. PM me any time if you'd like! HUGS!!

LittleLady77 · May 2013

moonaggie:
Welcome to the board and I am so sorry for the situation you are in! I can only tell you my story and my acceptance of using a egg donor. I am the one who is unable to produce viable eggs and therefore have a "biological" child. The best advice I can give you is to research the idea (together hopefully) and give it some time. If you have tried for sometime, then yes, it is difficult to accept such a devastating diagnosis. I truly had to mourn the loss of the idea of having my own genetic child. But after some time and reading, I realized that we still wanted to have "our" child. The child will be genetically my husband's but I will carry the child. I realize your circumstance is different but essentially it is all figuring out what you want as a couple. There are some specialized therapists out there who also deal with this issue and that may be an option to look into as well. Best of luck and realize we are here to help you in your journey.

This is exactly how I feel. I had to take some time to mourn the loss of a biological child. I had to see a therapist to feel good about letting go of the idea and feeling comfortable with the donor egg process. It was easy and fast for my husband and it was long and painful for me. Talk to your husband, give him time and really listen to what he has to say.

BeckyP005 · May 2013

scorpgirl1120:
Ok, I'm going to jump on a soap box for a minute because I really need help understanding what's happening to the hubby and I. My hope writing here is (well I really don't hope this happens to anyone else) that someone can help me to not feel so final about the baby process.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a while. Finally, we went to a fertility doctor and learned my husband has no sperm coming out. So, this week (Monday) he went in for surgery. He went through all this pain in hopes to giving me a baby only to find out he is sterile. I'm quite devastated. I've tried to remain strong and emotionless for him while he recovers but I'm just falling apart inside!
I love my husband dearly and wouldn't consider leaving him in a million years! We've talked about adoption and a sperm donor but, I know he doesn't want to adopt and, even though he doesn't say it (anymore), I know if we used a sperm donor he would feel the child is half mine and none of his. I've tried to explain otherwise but of course I'm not going to make him use a sperm donor if he's not comfortable with it. Am I being ridiculous? Should we just go forward with a sperm donor when he tells me it's ok but I know he's only saying that because he knows how badly I want a baby? Or should we just accept that our family needs to be complete without babies?
Does anyone have any helpful advice for me???

Everyone has given great advice!

We are using DE not DS so I'm not dealing with what your asking help with but this is what I was struggling with over a year ago. We had to jump straight to DE but MH was hesitant with spending the $ when it could not very work and he really didn't want a baby as much as I did.

I went through few months of being so angry with him that we fought all the time. It was bad. He then came to me and said lets try. It then took me weeks to go ahead with the idea because I felt he was only saying this because I was a wreck. Well I was right. He said he would be able to handle being a parent (don't get me wrong..he loves kids...just didn't want to spend a fortune having one) but knew I couldn't and would probably have to be committed...lol. I don't know where I'm going with this!

I guess I'm trying to say I decided to take him up on it. I always have a hard time explaining myself! I almost wanted to flip a coin...that's how hard this decision was. I never hesitated on DE...I just wanted a baby. Anyhow if you can I would seek a therapist to talk to. It might help. Good luck!!

BeckyP005 · May 2013

I also felt that the regret I would feel if I didn't try would eat me alive. Such a hard decision for you I'm sure. Hoping you two work it all out.

scorpgirl1120 · May 2013

Thank you everyone for all your help! It seems so obvious now that maybe he just needs time to mourn the idea of not having a genetic child! DE and DS seem different but you ladies and gentlemen explaining the DE portion of it helps me relate to how hard it would be if the issue was me.

What a terrific resource: this forum!

jessaroni · May 2013

At first our diagnosis was the same, no sperm. My dh was fine with donor sperm though I struggled some. We did four IUIs with DS and no go. We later learned I had major issues too so we then chose donor embryos and it was the best of both worlds for us.

Take your time and talk, talk, talk. I will tell you that once a child is born, regardless of its genetics, you only see love not DNA.

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