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Pregnant after 35
RedLucia
member
Discussions with SO/DH about newborn & chores
RedLucia
member
What are other women's plans for dividing newborn and household chores with their SO/DH?
My DH gets 17 weeks of paid paternity leave during the 1st year of the child's life, but we are not certain when to use it or even if we will use all of it.
On the one hand, I want to establish equality in chores and childcare. Taking paternity leave is associated with better long-term (next 5+ years) equity in household chores and childcare. This would be good for my career and for setting a good example to children.
On the other hand, taking paternity leave (beyond 2-3 weeks) will decrease his opportunities at his career (just like taking maternity leave has a negative effect on women's career advancement). It seems a bit silly to damage both of our careers and it certainly isn't necessary to have 2 adults in the house full-time to take care of a single infant. So unless I decide to pump for the bottle right away, DH being home won't allow me to be productive for any length of time.
I am considering having him take the paternity leave during a few chunks of time 4 weeks at the beginning, 4 weeks in winter, 4 weeks in spring, and 4 in summer. However, even that seems like it would be pretty hard on his job projects.
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Re: Discussions with SO/DH about newborn & chores
It's great he gets so much leave, some companies don't offer that much for maternity leave.
You'll definitely want someone with you the first 2 weeks minimum. Aside from that first 4 weeks he takes off, you may just want to wait and see how it goes. It's hard to anticipate how both you and your husband will feel after the baby arrives. My husband would have loved that much time off to spend with his daughter even if his career took a temporary hit. Also, if you have a baby with high needs...like my DD had reflux for the first 5 months, it may sway your decision making.
DD born 12.21.09, conceived w/ injects and IUI
TTC#2 since Nov 2011
BFP 2.6.12 m/c 6w5d | BFP 5.25.12 c/p
-Back to the RE-
3 medicated IUIs, all BFN
-Taking a break from treatment-
BFP 11.20.12 ~ EDD 7.28.13
My Chart
Thanks Abeille! I know my husband wants to stay home for 2 weeks after the baby is born (for rhythm & bonding). Then, he will stay home a 3rd and maybe a 4th week to help manage the out-of-state grandparents visiting.
After that, he's indicated he'd like to get back to the office ASAP.
My concern is about having him on paternity leave long enough for him to learn what is involved in child care and to establish shared chore & childcare responsibility. I'll probably just have to be assertive about him taking on half the care...even if I have the time to do it myself. Otherwise, I see a future where I am stuck with the majority of the childcare/chores.
Just from my experience: Y'all need to discuss those expectations up front...everything, both of you. I'm not sure how much mat leave you're taking, but you may what to let him know if needed he may need to be flexible and take more of that time off at some point. You never know what that first year brings.
Also let him know what you want when you are back to working full time. How you feel about your career and how you envision life at home.
DH and I butted heads a lot that first year...most of it was due to sheer exhaustion and expectations we had of each other that were never voiced.
DD born 12.21.09, conceived w/ injects and IUI
TTC#2 since Nov 2011
BFP 2.6.12 m/c 6w5d | BFP 5.25.12 c/p
-Back to the RE-
3 medicated IUIs, all BFN
-Taking a break from treatment-
BFP 11.20.12 ~ EDD 7.28.13
My Chart
How is chore equality in your relationship now? If it's pretty good then it may not be an issue for you and you may be able to address it just by talking and setting expectations.
My DH is basically worthless around the house and I'm pretty sure no amount of paternity leave would make him less worthless for chores related to the child (vs. house).
I agree w/PP that if you have equally split chores now, that shouldn't change too much once children arrive. When my DD was born DH only took a week off work. Even with that, he learned how to take care of our daughter without any prior infant experience. It's wonderful that your DH gets so much time off, but I don't think it's necessary for him to have 12 weeks of time off work to learn how to care for an infant. While I was on my 12 weeks of maternity leave, I would say I took on 75% of childcare needs. Once I returned to work, things became more evenly split but was probably 60/40 on me since DH worked longer hours and some weekends.
When DD was 1 1/2 DH got laid off work and he became a full time stay at home dad for almost a year and he did great. You just never know what's going to happen.
Also, keep in mind that you and your DH might have somewhat different parenting styles. While it's important for you to discuss some expectations, he might have his own way of doing some things and that's ok. You also may need to ask/tell your DH to step in when you need help. Don't just expect him to know when you're exhausted or frustrated and need a break.
6 year old daughter
Fraternal boys born on May 11, 2013 at 36 weeks 4 days
Thanks Ladies! A lot of you have been through these discussions and your advice is helpful.
My DH and I have good division of chores at home now. He needs some reminders, but he does his share. I am concerned about the new chores/childcare that he might not count towards chores/childcare time...like he will understand the time to do laundry/wash dishes/grocery shopping, but maybe not the "sitting while breast feeding." ***DH may reason that I should be multitasking during that time***
We are starting to discuss it all in an open manner and it is helpful to have stories of how other couples have successfully done it.
This question seems kind of odd to me, probably since I've never really kept track of who does what "chore" around the house or with the kids. I mean, there are definitely things we each prefer to do over other things, but it's not like "this is YOUR job" and "this is MY job". Whatever needs to get done does.
Adding a newborn to the mix will most likely throw a wrench in your routine for a bit, but you just figure it out. If you're planning on breast feeding that can sometimes be an extremely time consuming thing, especially when you are first trying to get your milk established. It can take up to 4-6 weeks for that to start going smoothly and get a feeding routine down. It would be hard to know ahead of time what you will/won't be able to do during that time.
I think you should both have a discussion about what you would like to happen and your expectations of each other, but just be open minded about the possibility that it could go 100 different ways and it's just not really an easy thing to plan out ahead of time.
Your comment about your DH wanting you to multi-task while BFing is something I would take notice of. Expectations are tough to manage... especially your own.
You know, an entire day can go by without anything productive happening? I've heard this from surprised SAHMs and SAHDs alike. Parents who expect to get their master's degree while caring for a newborn, or some other reasonable-sounding project... these parents are set up for failure and their partners can be disappointed because of their unrealistic expectations.
My deal in the beginning is that I could make a list of whatever I wanted to get done, but my goal was to do ONE thing on the list. It's a hard one to discuss before you're in it.... just something to your comment just struck a nerve.
DH and I split everything 50/50. He is a great father and never expected anything less.
It actually really annoys me when women post on here that their SO's don't "know how" to take care of their own child, or that they've never left their child alone with their husband, etc.
That's just not acceptable. Have the talk now. You and DH will realize that you can plan all you want ahead of time, but you'll never know what's going to happen until the baby arrives.