Update - Doctor and Stepparents

dawnm975 · May 2013

DH had asked SD about her concerns with the doctor's policy change and now having me as authorized. SD said that she didn't want me making major decisions if DH or BM weren't available. DH asked what she meant by that and she said if she became on life support or a serious situation that she didn't want me to make the decision.

I was kinda dumbfounded because no way would I make that decision. Neither BM or BD should make a decision without talking to each other for something serious. Do 16 year olds really think about this or is this her mom talking?

DH explained that having me authorized only means that I could call to make an appointment, change one, or if they call me they actually talk to me Their conversation was cut short, but he was going to talk a little more on this and make sure she understood that this doesn't really change anything.

Tasheystar · May 2013

I wouldn't have thought about life support decisions at 16. I think that's BM talking.

dmndsr4eva · May 2013

I don't even understand why you are authorized. I missed your other postings. In what sort of senario would her mother or father not be able to call the doctor?

fellesferie · May 2013

If your SD was seriously injured and neither of her biological parents were available to make a decision, you would be asked. It's not like the doctors & nurses are going to stand there with their hands in their pockets.

hopanka · May 2013

it could be her thinking, or it could be BMs. Who knows. I was an overthinker as a teen, plus teens are sensitive about their privacy. Maybe she doesnt want you to know sensitive medical stuff about her. The more people know the more embarassing it may be, I dont know. My niece is 16 and she is quite secretive these days and nothing is anybody's business all of a sudden. Even little silly things, like what she ate this morning, lol.

Ilumine · May 2013

dmndsr4eva:
I don't even understand why you are authorized. I missed your other postings. In what sort of senario would her mother or father not be able to call the doctor?

Because a stepparent, especially one that has more than EOWE custody should be able to make the appointments that s/he may have to take the child to.

Because it is absolutely asinine that one parent in the household makes and drives to appointments for ONE child while the other parent in the household makes and drives the other child(ten) to the other.

Because custodial stepparents' hands should not be tied when it comes to the care of the children living in their homes, especially when they are *** morally and legally obligated to provide emotional, financial, logistical and the other basic life sustaining support.

Ilumine · May 2013

I swear to GOD, we just ripped Cole a new one because she did not want to be financially responsible for her stepkid's vacation with her mother, but then we have Dmds bitching about a stepparent wanting to {gasp} make a doctors appointment for her stepchild.

No *** wonder being a stepparent is so *** hard. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

Nineoceans · May 2013

The long term thinking part of a person's brain is not fully developed until they turn 21ish.

This comment most likely came straight from the bm

cole2144 · May 2013

Ilumine:
I swear to GOD, we just ripped Cole a new one because she did not want to be financially responsible for her stepkid's vacation with her mother, but then we have Dmds bitching about a stepparent wanting to {gasp} make a doctors appointment for her stepchild.
No *** wonder being a stepparent is so *** hard. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

This, if we try to be involved, we are too involved, if we don`t get involved, we don`t care about the child.

mom2one · May 2013

Scheduling appointments should be no big deal for SPs (custodial ones who might take child to the appt)...accessing medical records is a different story IMO.

SimpleJane · May 2013

I know that dmnds is usually on the crazy side of BMs, but I don't disagree with her.

Why can't the BF or BM make the appointments/decisions? It's their child. In what scenario are they unavailable? The girl doesn't want anyone other than her mother and father being able to access her sensitive medical info or make decisions on her behalf. I don't think that is unreasonable.

XH or I, or both of us, always attend the doctors appointments and make any decisions necessary. We make all of the appointments too. If J and I were married I would not want him taking my kids to the doctors or making the appointments because I don't feel like that is his responsibility. It's the parents responsibility. I wouldn't want anyone else handling their medical stuff.

MarSamWhitney · May 2013

OP, hopefully SD gets to talk to your H soon and get it squared away.

In the ten years I have been with H, I have taken SS to get plenty of sports physicals, dentist appointments, eye appmnts, etc. My H has worked odd hours and lots of OT, so sometimes its easier for me to do it. I don't get not understanding why one parent wouldn't be available.

H and I are a team.

Ilumine · May 2013

SimpleJane:
I know that dmnds is usually on the crazy side of BMs, but I don't disagree with her. Why can't the BF or BM make the appointments/decisions? It's their child. In what scenario are they unavailable? The girl doesn't want anyone other than her mother and father being able to access her sensitive medical info or make decisions on her behalf. I don't think that is unreasonable. XH or I, or both of us, always attend the doctors appointments and make any decisions necessary. We make all of the appointments too. If J and I were married I would not want him taking my kids to the doctors or making the appointments because I don't feel like that is his responsibility. It's the parents responsibility. I wouldn't want anyone else handling their medical stuff.

so what happens if the BioParent just cannot make the appointments, but the stepparent has a more flexible schedule? The child goes without?

Taking it further, thought more of an oranges vs tangerine scenario, if a child is only the BioParents responsibility, then the BioParent should never expect/have the child to be watched, driven to/from extra cirriculars, or supported in any fashion by the stepparent. You want to go on vacation, the kids expenses come solely from the BioParents bank account. Your stuck in traffic and can't make the scout meeting pickup, oh well the kid will have to wait. Hey, the child's acid reflux script ran out, well, so what if I'm going to be near Walgreens, I'm not the BioParent, it's not my responsibilty. Oh and if your kid does something like crash the car, you get to pay the increase in premiums IF I was nice enough to allow the child to be added to our family account.

If you don't trust your spouse enough to make a well visit appointment for your child, Then what was the point in marrying him/her to begin with?

hopanka · May 2013

I think in this case, age is an important factor. I also agree with mom2one, that scheduling an appt is different from having access to sensitive medical stuff. The former is NBD, the latter could be sticky. The girl is 16, not 6. I would definitely have a conversation with her and her opinion in the case of sharing medical info should be taken into an account.

SimpleJane · May 2013

Quote is messed up on mobile, but to answer the above I think medical records and decisions are a hell of a lot different than a girl scout meeting or something of that nature. Educational decisions and appointments like parent teacher confences, medical appointments including well visits and sick visits, are something I think at least one bioparent should always attend. It has nothing to do with trusting my spouse, but in my eyes medical/educational decisions are something that XH and I as the bioparents are solely responsible for.

Also, we have had kids for 6 years and have never come across a time when neither of us could make it to an appointment. You schedule it when you can make it. If its an emergency then its an emergency and somebody leaves work to handle it. In an emergency situation I wouldn't want someone else handling my child's medical care. That's something Mom or Dad need to be there for IMO.

Ilumine · May 2013

Then you are very lucky. Because my husband, while in the Military and now working as a department head for our County, did/does not have the flexibility to take time off during the day 80% of the time.

And during 6 days out of the month, he doesn't have the ability to eat lunch, let alone take 5 minutes to make an appointment for SS, were he to need one. And god forbid the only appointment that we could make is during those times.

Sure, if it were an emergency DH could wing it, but I am having a hard time figuring out why a SP cannot help his/her partner out and make a freaking phone call to a doctors office to make the appointment that the BP is going to take the kid to.

Or what is so sacred that the stepparent cannot drive the kid, whom she is probably going to be nursing back to health, to the doctors for a strep culture and script for antibiotics.

You are basically saying that you trust the stepparent to CARE for the kid, but not find out what said CARE is going to be?

I guess I am just going to have to tell DH that he needs to take next Thursday off and come all the way home to get SS and go all the pass his office to bring SS to the orthodontist, to come all the way back here and then go all the way back to work because he is solely responsible for his child.

dawnm975 · May 2013

This policy is at her family doctors, but the reason for so many appts lately is her counselor started her on medication for depression/anxiety which has to be prescribed by her family doctor. Because of this, DH/BM have been attending all the doctors appts together and one of them have been making the appts. DH will tell me about the appointments but I do not attend. So now that the doctor's policy has changed and I'm authorized. It is not in the best interest to change doctors. She's had this doctor since she was born and NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE - that's what annoys me! Every time BM can point out that "I don't matter" she will. I can't think of a scenario where BM/DH wouldn't be able to be reached and that's why this all seems like a stretch and coming from BM; not SD.

DH and I have SD every other week and I'm good enough to take her to the dentist, hair cuts, counselor, school and anything in between (DH and I take her to the majority of things and when DH is working I take her).

For the one that said damned if you do damned if you don't - AMEN!

Littlejen22 · May 2013

Nineoceans:
The long term thinking part of a person's brain is not fully developed until they turn 21ish. This comment most likely came straight from the bm

The thought process might not be developed enough which means she could not realize she was wrong but it sounds like she does not want her SM knowing her business. She is 16 and I personally think that she has that right if it is coming from her.

IfMamaAintHappy · May 2013

I love this thread. My blood pressure was rising with the original one. Illumine you described my thoughts exactly. I do not understand how pp's here can not fathom a realistic situtation in which neither bio-parent could be available in a non-emergent but still urgent situtation. Are you telling me that your own mother and MIL has never had to pick a kid up from school for being sick? or you never had t to call a favor to a family member or neighbor? BM has this same attitude towards me, like I am a backup babysitter and she will use my services when needed or when it suits her purpose. No, I am sorry, I am here everyday and I am not a checkbook for co-pays, prescriptions, etc.

Every year BM refuses to list me as an Emergency Contact on the SKs school enrollment forms. She doesn't realize that DH has been filling out his own separate ER card with me and his mother listed as emergency contacts (in addition to BM of course) and we are authorized to pick kids up from school. The pettiness and short sightedness of her thinking came to light the day after the Sandy Hook school shootings. A bomb threat was called into SKs school, all schools in the district were on lockdown, DH was out of town, and BM teaches at a school in the district and was on lockdown herself. Her mother unavailable. There I was sitting in my car as close to the school as I was allowed waiting on standby to get the kids. It was scary as hell for all of us and all BM could keep texting DH was that I couldn't get the kids because I wasn't authorized. I finally texted her telling I was indeed authorized by DH and I am more concerned about getting those kids out of harms way. Idiot.

cole2144 · May 2013

IfMamaAintHappy:
I love this thread. My blood pressure was rising with the original one. Illumine you described my thoughts exactly. I do not understand how pp's here can not fathom a realistic situtation in which neither bio-parent could be available in a non-emergent but still urgent situtation. Are you telling me that your own mother and MIL has never had to pick a kid up from school for being sick? or you never had t to call a favor to a family member or neighbor? BM has this same attitude towards me, like I am a backup babysitter and she will use my services when needed or when it suits her purpose. No, I am sorry, I am here everyday and I am not a checkbook for co-pays, prescriptions, etc.
Every year BM refuses to list me as an Emergency Contact on the SKs school enrollment forms. She doesn't realize that DH has been filling out his own separate ER card with me and his mother listed as emergency contacts (in addition to BM of course) and we are authorized to pick kids up from school. The pettiness and short sightedness of her thinking came to light the day after the Sandy Hook school shootings. A bomb threat was called into SKs school, all schools in the district were on lockdown, DH was out of town, and BM teaches at a school in the district and was on lockdown herself. Her mother unavailable. There I was sitting in my car as close to the school as I was allowed waiting on standby to get the kids. It was scary as hell for all of us and all BM could keep texting DH was that I couldn't get the kids because I wasn't authorized. I finally texted her telling I was indeed authorized by DH and I am more concerned about getting those kids out of harms way. Idiot.

For some reason the bold button is not working on my computer but this. You can not have it both ways, you can`t use me when its convenient but then claim its not my place when you no longer need me.

Littlejen22 · May 2013

IfMamaAintHappy:
I love this thread.nbsp; My blood pressure was rising with the original one.nbsp; Illumine you described my thoughts exactly. I do not understand how nbsp;pp's herenbsp;can not fathom a realistic situtation in which neither bioparent could be available in a nonemergent but still urgent situtation. Are you telling me that your own mother and MIL has never had to pick a kid up from school for being sick? or you never had t to call a favor to a family member or neighbor?nbsp; BM has this same attitude towards me, like I am a backup babysitter and she will use my services when needed or when it suits her purpose.nbsp; No, I am sorry, I am here everyday and I am not a checkbook for copays, prescriptions, etc.nbsp; nbsp;Every yearnbsp;BM refuses to list me as an Emergency Contact on the SKs school nbsp;enrollment forms.nbsp; She doesn't realize that DH has been filling out his own separate ER card with me and his mother listed as emergency contacts in addition to BM of course and we are authorized to pick kids up from school.nbsp; The pettiness and short sightedness of her thinking came to light the day after the Sandy Hook school shootings.nbsp; A bomb threat was called into SKs school, all schools innbsp;the district were on lockdown,nbsp;DH was out of town, and BM teaches at a school in the district and was on lockdown herself.nbsp; Her mother unavailable.nbsp; There I was sitting in my car as close to the school as I was allowed waiting on standby to get the kids.nbsp; It was scary as hell for all of us and all BM could keep texting DH was that I couldn't get the kids because I wasn't authorized.nbsp; I finally texted her telling I was indeed authorized by DH and I am more concerned about getting those kids out of harms way.nbsp; Idiot.nbsp;

I can totally fathom it. We had sole custody with less than yearly visits with BM. That was from 12 until 18. over 6 years. I took SD to most of her appointments. But I think that a 16yo is capable of worrying over things that you and I do not think are a big deal. And I think a 16yo is old enough to say they only want their parents to access stuff. We are not talking about a 3yo here. And I could be wrong but I am assuming there is distance between the BM and OP or this doctor thing would or should be different because the Dad could just go to the doctor with his kid and find out what is really going on. So if they do not live nearby they would have their own Pediatrician and the Dad would allow SM to bring the teen off needed.

mom2one · May 2013

cole2144:
IfMamaAintHappy:
I love this thread. My blood pressure was rising with the original one. Illumine you described my thoughts exactly. I do not understand how pp's here can not fathom a realistic situtation in which neither bio-parent could be available in a non-emergent but still urgent situtation. Are you telling me that your own mother and MIL has never had to pick a kid up from school for being sick? or you never had t to call a favor to a family member or neighbor? BM has this same attitude towards me, like I am a backup babysitter and she will use my services when needed or when it suits her purpose. No, I am sorry, I am here everyday and I am not a checkbook for co-pays, prescriptions, etc.
Every year BM refuses to list me as an Emergency Contact on the SKs school enrollment forms. She doesn't realize that DH has been filling out his own separate ER card with me and his mother listed as emergency contacts (in addition to BM of course) and we are authorized to pick kids up from school. The pettiness and short sightedness of her thinking came to light the day after the Sandy Hook school shootings. A bomb threat was called into SKs school, all schools in the district were on lockdown, DH was out of town, and BM teaches at a school in the district and was on lockdown herself. Her mother unavailable. There I was sitting in my car as close to the school as I was allowed waiting on standby to get the kids. It was scary as hell for all of us and all BM could keep texting DH was that I couldn't get the kids because I wasn't authorized. I finally texted her telling I was indeed authorized by DH and I am more concerned about getting those kids out of harms way. Idiot.

For some reason the bold button is not working on my computer but this. You can not have it both ways, you can`t use me when its convenient but then claim its not my place when you no longer need me.

I am guessing SD's mom doesn't want anything from you. She has to deal with you being in her DD's life, but she certainly can claim things aren't your place. If you and DH split, your relationship to SD is severed. That's just a fact. And that is why stepparents should (and do) have no legal rights. Those relationships can be temporary.

cole2144 · May 2013

mom2one:
cole2144:
IfMamaAintHappy:
I love this thread. My blood pressure was rising with the original one. Illumine you described my thoughts exactly. I do not understand how pp's here can not fathom a realistic situtation in which neither bio-parent could be available in a non-emergent but still urgent situtation. Are you telling me that your own mother and MIL has never had to pick a kid up from school for being sick? or you never had t to call a favor to a family member or neighbor? BM has this same attitude towards me, like I am a backup babysitter and she will use my services when needed or when it suits her purpose. No, I am sorry, I am here everyday and I am not a checkbook for co-pays, prescriptions, etc.
Every year BM refuses to list me as an Emergency Contact on the SKs school enrollment forms. She doesn't realize that DH has been filling out his own separate ER card with me and his mother listed as emergency contacts (in addition to BM of course) and we are authorized to pick kids up from school. The pettiness and short sightedness of her thinking came to light the day after the Sandy Hook school shootings. A bomb threat was called into SKs school, all schools in the district were on lockdown, DH was out of town, and BM teaches at a school in the district and was on lockdown herself. Her mother unavailable. There I was sitting in my car as close to the school as I was allowed waiting on standby to get the kids. It was scary as hell for all of us and all BM could keep texting DH was that I couldn't get the kids because I wasn't authorized. I finally texted her telling I was indeed authorized by DH and I am more concerned about getting those kids out of harms way. Idiot.

For some reason the bold button is not working on my computer but this. You can not have it both ways, you can`t use me when its convenient but then claim its not my place when you no longer need me.
I am guessing SD's mom doesn't want anything from you. She has to deal with you being in her DD's life, but she certainly can claim things aren't your place. If you and DH split, your relationship to SD is severed. That's just a fact. And that is why stepparents should (and do) have no legal rights. Those relationships can be temporary.

Listen, I know you`re line, I have heard it before, BMs should have all the rights yada, yada, yada. You are just some person on the internet who apparently thinks she knows my life from a few vents. BM uses me when it is convenient for her but then does not want me involved. Sorry you can`t have it both ways. For the record, I have no involvement with SD`s medical care and I do not want to unless something comes up.

stephcarter · May 2013

dmndsr4eva:
I don't even understand why you are authorized. I missed your other postings. In what sort of senario would her mother or father not be able to call the doctor?

I could think of a million. SD is only with BM every other Sat. BM hasn't been to a single doctors appt, school conference, soccer game, anything in years. I'm the one her teachers know. I'm the one her doctors know. DH works a lot, I'm only in the office 2 days a week, the other 3 I work from home. I'm the one at the soccer games, I'm the one who takes her to school and picks her up, I'm the one who helps her with her homework, buys her clothes, makes her dinners. NOT BM. Yes, BM is in her life (a little) but I'm the primary caregiver. I'm more of a mom to her than her is, ever was, and ever will be. So I'm the one who takes her to the doctors appointments.

Guess the fact that I'm authorized to take her to the docs must be crazy?

Not trying to flame, but this kind of upset me!

CurlyQ284 · May 2013

I'm not permitted to know anything about SDs medical records. DH takes them to the doctor and when I ask what was wrong he says its classified and if he told me he would have to kill me. Also, since I am a step mom, I'm not allowed to know their real names. DH made up code names for when the kids are here but they have slipped. I'm pretty sure SD1s name starts with an S.
He has their birthdays on a different day each year too. He doesn't want me to know that either. Too much information for me to be trusted with.

Sometimes I can't take this place, its too much.

hopanka · May 2013

No need to get upset, stephcarter. Your situation is clearly different, as your BM is more of a visitor in your SC's life and you do the heavy lifting. In this situation, mother and father are very much ACTIVE parents to a 16 year old girl who may probably soon start driving herself to appts, who knows.

Moreover, this is a delicate issue where the teen is being seen for mental health issues, which unfortunately are still stigmatizing to many people that are going through them, or at very least I don't know of anyone who screams their depression and need for meds from the rooftops. If the teen is concerned about how many people are going to be in her business so-to-speak, then I think her concerns are valid. I personally think the scheduling of appts is NBD, however the OP has not clarified whether this also means access to medical info, therapy progress, etc. If it does, then IMO the 16 year old's concern for privacy should be taken into consideration. And if she only wants her mom and dad to know, then that's a valid request. Whether the dad chooses to share anything with SM should also be discussed with SD.

I think in this particular circumstance where depression/anxiety is the issue, the adults should tread lightly and support the girl and what she is trying to tell them. I also do not think her inquiry about who may essentially be able to "pull the plug" is inconceivable that it came from her. It's not rational to wonder about that to an adult (and clearly-thinking) mind, but she is not an adult yet, is likely confused, and is depressed. OP, has she hinted suicide? Dark thoughts could certainly pop up in her head and maybe she is feeling vulnerable about it and so she asked her dad, if SM would have that right, if it came down to it. I am not discounting the possibility that BM is behind it, but I wouldn't dismiss it altogether that it didn't come from SD's own head. I think another talk with dad is in order.

twister22 · May 2013

Ilumine:
SimpleJane:
I know that dmnds is usually on the crazy side of BMs, but I don't disagree with her. Why can't the BF or BM make the appointments/decisions? It's their child. In what scenario are they unavailable? The girl doesn't want anyone other than her mother and father being able to access her sensitive medical info or make decisions on her behalf. I don't think that is unreasonable. XH or I, or both of us, always attend the doctors appointments and make any decisions necessary. We make all of the appointments too. If J and I were married I would not want him taking my kids to the doctors or making the appointments because I don't feel like that is his responsibility. It's the parents responsibility. I wouldn't want anyone else handling their medical stuff.
so what happens if the BioParent just cannot make the appointments, but the stepparent has a more flexible schedule? The child goes without?
Taking it further, thought more of an oranges vs tangerine scenario, if a child is only the BioParents responsibility, then the BioParent should never expect/have the child to be watched, driven to/from extra cirriculars, or supported in any fashion by the stepparent. You want to go on vacation, the kids expenses come solely from the BioParents bank account. Your stuck in traffic and can't make the scout meeting pickup, oh well the kid will have to wait. Hey, the child's acid reflux script ran out, well, so what if I'm going to be near Walgreens, I'm not the BioParent, it's not my responsibilty. Oh and if your kid does something like crash the car, you get to pay the increase in premiums IF I was nice enough to allow the child to be added to our family account.
If you don't trust your spouse enough to make a well visit appointment for your child, Then what was the point in marrying him/her to begin with?

Amen.

There is no reason a SP shouldn't have access to medical records. And this is coming from a BM who is not a SM. It's not like a SP can really be prevented from accessing medical records. A BP gets a copy of medical records and hands it to SP. And, what do you know, SP can see whatever they want.

And to the PP who said medical records are different, and that since a BP & SP can divorce so they shouldn't have access to medical records - when the SP is severed from watching SK, driving SK to/from extra curricular activities, expenses for SK, picking up prescriptions, etc, then they will also be severed from rights to medical records. It's really quite simple. Unless both BPs agree that a SP shouldn't have access, I see no reason why they shouldn't.

awesomenus1341 · May 2013

hopanka:

No need to get upset, stephcarter. Your situation is clearly different, as your BM is more of a visitor in your SC's life and you do the heavy lifting. In this situation, mother and father are very much ACTIVE parents to a 16 year old girl who may probably soon start driving herself to appts, who knows.

Moreover, this is a delicate issue where the teen is being seen for mental health issues, which unfortunately are still stigmatizing to many people that are going through them, or at very least I don't know of anyone who screams their depression and need for meds from the rooftops. If the teen is concerned about how many people are going to be in her business so-to-speak, then I think her concerns are valid. I personally think the scheduling of appts is NBD, however the OP has not clarified whether this also means access to medical info, therapy progress, etc. If it does, then IMO the 16 year old's concern for privacy should be taken into consideration. And if she only wants her mom and dad to know, then that's a valid request. Whether the dad chooses to share anything with SM should also be discussed with SD.

I think in this particular circumstance where depression/anxiety is the issue, the adults should tread lightly and support the girl and what she is trying to tell them. I also do not think her inquiry about who may essentially be able to "pull the plug" is inconceivable that it came from her. It's not rational to wonder about that to an adult (and clearly-thinking) mind, but she is not an adult yet, is likely confused, and is depressed. OP, has she hinted suicide? Dark thoughts could certainly pop up in her head and maybe she is feeling vulnerable about it and so she asked her dad, if SM would have that right, if it came down to it. I am not discounting the possibility that BM is behind it, but I wouldn't dismiss it altogether that it didn't come from SD's own head. I think another talk with dad is in order.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like stepparents DO have the right to know what is going on medically with the child. Should the SP be the first person jumping to make a decision? No. However, if I am going to be, at any point in time, the sole adult responsible for a child (be that during pick-up after school, while BP is at work, etc.), then yes, I feel I need to know medically what I am facing. You cannot say she is depressed and not thinking rationally, but then turn around and say that she is almost an adult and doesn't need to share her medical information. Does she need to share it with aunt/uncle/grandparent who she sees in group settings or very seldom, no. But if I am taking care of her for any length of time on a regular basis, yes, I need to know that her triggers are xyz, or that her coping mechanism is ____, etc. I need to know that last week she talked about hanging herself, or that she hasn't had any suicidal thoughts in x amount of months. I am sorry if she feels her privacy is violated, but if you are responsible for her care, you have the right to know. Just like you wouldn't send your autistic child to school and tell their teacher he/she doesn't need to know about their medical care. SP may not need to know every single detail, but they do need to be in the loop. I think the Bioparents should be the ones allowed to make changes to medications or decisions regarding types of therapies, length even, or any medically related change. But, stepparents should be allowed to be informed about their stepchildren (whom they are expected to treat as their own). Also everything that Illumine said.

fellesferie · May 2013

CurlyQ284:
I'm not permitted to know anything about SDs medical records. DH takes them to the doctor and when I ask what was wrong he says its classified and if he told me he would have to kill me. Also, since I am a step mom, I'm not allowed to know their real names. DH made up code names for when the kids are here but they have slipped. I'm pretty sure SD1s name starts with an S. He has their birthdays on a different day each year too. He doesn't want me to know that either. Too much information for me to be trusted with. Sometimes I can't take this place, its too much.

I lol'd.

I know that I didn't even give DH my real name... It's a slippery slope!

bosoxy · May 2013

cole2144:
IfMamaAintHappy:
I love this thread. My blood pressure was rising with the original one. Illumine you described my thoughts exactly. I do not understand how pp's here can not fathom a realistic situtation in which neither bio-parent could be available in a non-emergent but still urgent situtation. Are you telling me that your own mother and MIL has never had to pick a kid up from school for being sick? or you never had t to call a favor to a family member or neighbor? BM has this same attitude towards me, like I am a backup babysitter and she will use my services when needed or when it suits her purpose. No, I am sorry, I am here everyday and I am not a checkbook for co-pays, prescriptions, etc.
Every year BM refuses to list me as an Emergency Contact on the SKs school enrollment forms. She doesn't realize that DH has been filling out his own separate ER card with me and his mother listed as emergency contacts (in addition to BM of course) and we are authorized to pick kids up from school. The pettiness and short sightedness of her thinking came to light the day after the Sandy Hook school shootings. A bomb threat was called into SKs school, all schools in the district were on lockdown, DH was out of town, and BM teaches at a school in the district and was on lockdown herself. Her mother unavailable. There I was sitting in my car as close to the school as I was allowed waiting on standby to get the kids. It was scary as hell for all of us and all BM could keep texting DH was that I couldn't get the kids because I wasn't authorized. I finally texted her telling I was indeed authorized by DH and I am more concerned about getting those kids out of harms way. Idiot.

For some reason the bold button is not working on my computer but this. You can not have it both ways, you can`t use me when its convenient but then claim its not my place when you no longer need me.

You ladies are my heros. You all said it well.

If my SK has medical issues, why wouldn't the BM want me to know so that when the child is in my care, I can take care of them properly.

A child with mental issues needs this extra person caring in their lives even more than one would think. That is one more person in their life looking out for warning signs that something is wrong. But without the ability to care for that child because they are unaware of what to look for, how are they to know everything isn't okay?

OP- it sounds like something BM put in her head. I hope DH is able to get through to her that you are on her side and have no plans to make life altering decisions without the input of her parents.And if God forbid a situation were to arise that would put you in that position, you would only do what is best for her. If she is old enough to bring it up, then talk with her about her living will. Maybe this will ease her mind.

dawnm975 · May 2013

Thanks everyone for the responses - and Curly for the laugh - I needed that!

Yes, DH will be talking to SD more and find out if there are other concerns and explain that I would never be making any decisions regarding her health, let alone by myself. She has had suicidal thoughts; part of the reason for the medication, and exactly the reason why I DO need to know what's going on. DH and BM attend appointments and DH talks to me after and fills me in. She's home every other week and as others said I need to know what to look for and DH and I need to be on the same page with everything.

From what SD told DH so far, I don't think I'm crossing a line and not being respectful towards her. SD and I have a good relationship - I've been there 12 out of her 16 years.

Want a personalized experience?

Update - Doctor and Stepparents

Re: Update - Doctor and Stepparents

Choose Another Board

Search Boards