Is this normal? tl;dr
blowfish11
member
My mom and my aunt are currently living together in a home that my aunt bought a few years ago. My mom lives in the basement and mainly keeps to herself, but my aunt has a 2 year old, two dogs and a pretty small house in general.
Every time I go over there, I bring my kids because they love playing together... So there are 4 kids all together.
About an hour in, I start feeling like I am on the verge of a total meltdown. My anxiety goes through the roof, I start sweating and can't get out of there fast enough. The problem is that we usually go over there for a reason, be it a family dinner, helping with renovations, or a kid function... And my aunt is never on time. For example, if she says dinner is at 5, it ends up being at 7... So not only do we eat late, but the kids don't get to bed on time... Essentially we are there for much longer than we planned.
I burst into tears as soon as I get to my car and don't stop crying until I'm home... My question is: Is this a normal reaction to the chaos that is her house, or should I talk to my doctor?
I think I already know the answer but I need some outside perspective.
ETA: Her house is very small and very full. There is a ton of clutter and the dogs are always barking. My aunt encourages the kids to make more noise by blaring 3-4 TV's, letting them play with tap shoes, etc.
Avery - 8.2.07 | Asher - 5.12.10 | Audrey - 11.28.12
Re: Is this normal? tl;dr
Bursting into tears over a late dinner and four kids playing isn't normal. You've been through a lot. Talk to your doc.
How is Avery?
Also, you can just leave. Once it hits bedtime, leave. Or bring dinner. Don't count on your sister to be on time.
First of all, I would bring it up with your doc.
But, before you do, I'm curious about the extent of this anxiety. Do you get anxiety issues at any other time or any other location? Can you pinpoint something triggers the anxiety? How's your relationship with your mom/aunt at any other time? Or is it purely environmental? Can you "watch" the kids play outside and be fine or is it anywhere on the property itself?
Avery - 8.2.07 | Asher - 5.12.10 | Audrey - 11.28.12
Can you let your aunt know it stresses you out to stay too late, and maybe she could try to have dinner on time? I don't think that's unreasonable.
I kinda hate going to the ILs sometimes because I know it means I have to cook dinner late and then clean it before bed or deal with a messy house. So I can sympathize.
I would at least talk to your doctor. This seems extreme.
BUT that being said - she says dinner is at 5? Then just leave at 6. I just wouldn't entertain her lateness. Go over, see family, let the kids play, but then leave when you need to leave, feed your kids at home and get them to bed.
My ILs run late. Constantly. We don't wait for them. Just this past weekend, we went away w/ them. If we tell them "we're leaving in 45 mins" to go to lunch or dinner, we leave in 45 minutes. If they follow 5 mins or 30 mins later - that's on them. We get to where we're going, we'll wait for about 10 mins and if they aren't there, we order and go about our business.
So.... take some of the control back! You'll either end up never eating w/ her, OR she'll realize that you aren't going to wait 2 hours and she'll actually start to get dinner done on time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If it's 4 kids and late dinner at my house, it's no problem, because I don't encourage excessive noise. I let them play as loud as they want... outside, or in their room... Not in the family room where people are trying to talk. It's not the same there. lol
Avery is doing so so so well. She had to have an MRI recently for some persistent headaches, but we ultimately saw a chiropractor and she stopped getting them. She's still doing physical therapy every day (either at home or at the facility) and getting stronger every single day
Avery - 8.2.07 | Asher - 5.12.10 | Audrey - 11.28.12
It turns out that there's like a gazillion websites on noise-related anxiety, so at least this seems to be surprisingly common and you're definitely not crazy. Suggestions for managing it seems to range between using an ipod with soothing music and noise isolating or noise cancelling headphones to tape recording the noise that triggers your anxiety and playing it back at substantially reduced volumes to desensitize yourself.
There's some suggestion that it could be a symptom of a sensory processing disorder, or that it can be triggered from a particularly stressful occasion, or it could simply be that you're allergic to dog dander and not being able to breath easily in the house plus the noise triggers the anxiety.
If I were you, I'd at least go to a few therapy sessions to find ways to better manage this anxiety or to stop it from forming altogether. If this is a weekly or more often occurrence or if you find yourself having panic attacks or having this occur, say, at the playground that you go to every day, then it might be worth taking a psychiatrist or your general practitioner up on a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.
I hear you on the noise. I've had experiences where too much noise just gets to me. DH loves to always have a radio on. In the bathroom, while cooking, etc. I've actually have moments where I've wanted to scream and just say "TURN IT OFF!".
And being in a house w/ 3 TV's blaring? ONE TV will get on my nerves.
I've never reacted like you have, but still.... I get how noise can be triggering something in you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is what I try to do for the most part, but it doesn't last long, they get distracted which is normal. Just hard for me.
Avery - 8.2.07 | Asher - 5.12.10 | Audrey - 11.28.12
It can't hurt to mention it to your Dr. GL!
Well, that's kind of how I feel when visiting my mom's house. She has some hoarding tendencies (she has at least 8 couches, some of them stacked on top of each other or one right in front of the other) and just stresses me out in general. Actually, after last Christmas I vowed never to go to her house again. Now she has to come visit us. I just can't handle furniture stacked everywhere, cats all over the place , tv blaring all the time, etc. I don't find reacting to that situation with anxiety and tears to be strange at all, honestly.
The late dinner would be a big problem for me. If we don't make our bedtime, LO loses his shiit and it can take 4 hours to get him to go to sleep. We even stopped doing dinner w/ the ILs at all and told them we can do brunch or lunch instead.
I agre w/ PP that you need to be firm about your need to keep dinner at the time you discussed. I don't think that is asking too much. Also, would it be possible for you to all get together at another location?
Limit your attendance. Consider hosting yourself. Take back control and don't stay late. Consider mentioning hearing issues and seeing if you can move the adults or kids to another room.
I think maybe have an honest conversation with your aunt and say "Look I love visiting but I am having a really hard time with the noise and chaos and it's really stressful for us to come over the way things are now. Can we work together to figure out some alternatives to the TV and noisy activities? What can I do to help keep things on track time wise, would you like me to bring a dish etc?"
Maybe do more things outside: Bubbles, side walk chalk, kickball, etc and put the baby in the PNP or in a baby carrier so you can control it a bit more. Inside maybe stuff like board games, puzzles, or other focused activities or as somone else said movie night might work. Ask if it's possible for the dogs to go outside (assuming they are inside/outside dogs) for part of the visit to tone down the barking.
Ultimately yes I think you need to talk to your doctor since your reaction sounds severe to the chaos but honestly if I dealt with it regularly it would make me batty too.
Thank you so much everyone, for your input... I have thought about it some more, and the radio grates my nerves, too. Like PP, my H always wants music on, and he listens to angry screaming music... I HATE it. I always turn it down in the car, I can't stand it in the house... I am definitely going to make a call to my doc this afternoon...
Thanks ladies.
Avery - 8.2.07 | Asher - 5.12.10 | Audrey - 11.28.12
Chaos gives me a bit of anxiety, but not to the point where I cry over it. I think you should talk to your dr.
If you don't enjoy going there, why don't you invite them to your place?
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
This sounds so much like a trip to my in-laws' house for dinner. We always eat late. My 2 nieces get so hyper around each other and get really loud. DH's whole family talks loud and all at once. I usually can't wait to leave and do start to feel a little...not frantic, but very overwhelmed by the end of it.
I don't know that it's necessarily "normal" for this to make you cry, though. It sounds like the chaos brings out some underlying anxiety issues and makes them even worse. I don't think it would hurt to talk to someone about it, and I definitely think it would make you feel better if you just said "we're leaving at X time" and then just left and went home even if dinner wasn't ready yet.
My vote is for not normal. Normal would be a headache. Panic attack is not normal. Claustrophobia is not normal. Mention it to your doctor.
FWIW, it sounds like a crazy storm, and I would want to cry too. However, I have panic disorder.