PAL CheckIn

Mrs Nice · April 2013

Hello Ladies.

Welcome to Friday PAL Checkin! This CheckIn is for everyone who is parenting after a loss. If you have an older child or a rainbow baby or both you are welcome to share here.

I hope everyone is having a good week. If anyone has any suggestions for questions, please don't be shy!

Where are you in your PAL journey?

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

QOTW: How do you feel when your child reaches a milestone that your angel never got the chance to reach?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Petunia844 · April 2013

Where are you in your PAL journey?

My rainbow is 7 months on Monday!!

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

Not sure if it's quite PAL related or not, but moving is a big challenge for me...not only the regular stress of moving + having a baby...but HUGE emotional challenge. Peyton was conceived and lived his whole life in this house. We moved in here with such wonderful dreams of our future and are leaving as completely different people. I think it will be good for us, a moving forward sort of thing... I know Peyton is with us wherever we go... but that doesn't make it easy.

QOTW: How do you feel when your child reaches a milestone that your angel never got the chance to reach?

Ugh, this is hard. It's always bittersweet isn't it? You cherish the time with your rainbow and you're so excited to get to watch them grow... but it's just staring your loss in the face at the same time. Mostly I'm so blessed to watch him, but I honestly think I'll burst into tears at his birthday party. I've been to two one year birthday parties since Peyton died and I've teared up both times when they sang happy birthday... I think it will only be harder for Raylan's.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Moving, and our MoD walk, it was today and it was perfect. I'm so proud to be his mom and to get to do this for him.

pottermommy · April 2013

I was over here for once so I thought I would check in with everyone I think it has been since like Halloween since I have...

Where are you in your PAL journey?

Gabriel is 15 months old. I can't believe he is this big already!

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

As I get closer to him being 19 months I am getting more anxious. It is approaching quickly.

QOTW: How do you feel when your child reaches a milestone that your angel never got the chance to reach?

I haven't got there yet. He has 4 months to go, he will be her exact age when she passed on August 28th. I am dreading that day.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

jbranden12 · April 2013

Where are you in your PAL journey?

Anna is coming up on 4 months actual and a little over 2 weeks adjusted. This is my first full week back at work and it blows.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

It is strange that Patricia is no longer the first person on my mind when I wake up and the last person I think about before I go to sleep. I know this is normal, but I miss spending time with her. I know you ladies know what I mean.

QOTW: How do you feel when your child reaches a milestone that your angel never got the chance to reach?

When I am staring at Anna's beautiful face and not worrying about her future, I am hurting for what we missed with Patricia.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Sometimes I have a beautiful moment with Anna and then I get sad because I am so afraid for her future. Then I start thinking about how unfair it is that our family has suffered so much. I think about how I really miss being pregnant with her when I "only" had a stillbirth and not a stillbirth and a 26 weeker with severe brain damage. It's so not fair. At the same time, I need to stop comparing the situations. It's like in my mind, they are equally as bad when I KNOW they are not. Of course, having to decide whether Anna should live or die was in some ways worse than Patricia quietly slipping away from us. People might think that I would appreciate Anna so much more because we lost Patricia. I do love and appreciate her, but I am so angry about what happened to her and to our family. After the hell of losing a child, we deserved for our perfect girl to remain perfect and not be disabled due to her premature birth. Honestly, don't feel bad if any of you have said it, but the worst thing you can say to me is that she is a miracle. Her not having brain bleeds would've been a miracle. Her not being born 14 weeks early would've been a miracle. Patricia not dying would've been a miracle. I am not ready to talk about our family's miracle. Sorry for rambling. I'm a work in progress.

Petunia844 · April 2013

Big huge hugs jbranden... my heart breaks for your family. I told my husband about sweet Anna in tears asking him how could a family have to go through so much. I completely understand your anger and you are 100% right, it's not at all fair.

pottermommy · April 2013

jbranden12:

Oh honey, huge hugs. You are right, it isn't fair, not even a little tiny bit. It is ok to be a work in progress and it's alright to be angry and confused and sad.

I wish any of us could explain or help or even just reach out and hug you. I don't even have words to tell you how much I think about you and pray for you, or just how many times I asked people to pray. You and Anna are on my mind all of the time. Lots of love.

jbranden12 · April 2013

Thank you ladies. I usually try to stay positive with people irl because people don't really know how to handle the scary stuff, just like people don't really know how to handle baby loss. I truly think many people just are sure everything will work out and she will be just fine. I would love to prove all the doctors wrong, but we also have to acknowledge our reality.

Petunia844 · April 2013

jbranden12:
Thank you ladies. I usually try to stay positive with people irl because people don't really know how to handle the scary stuff, just like people don't really know how to handle baby loss. I truly think many people just are sure everything will work out and she will be just fine. I would love to prove all the doctors wrong, but we also have to acknowledge our reality.

does it help to hear similar stories that turned out well? If it does I have one for you...but if not, I totally understand.

jbranden12 · April 2013

Petunia844:
jbranden12:
Thank you ladies. I usually try to stay positive with people irl because people don't really know how to handle the scary stuff, just like people don't really know how to handle baby loss. I truly think many people just are sure everything will work out and she will be just fine. I would love to prove all the doctors wrong, but we also have to acknowledge our reality.
does it help to hear similar stories that turned out well? If it does I have one for you...but if not, I totally understand.

I like stories of all kinds. We know every brain and every baby is different, but we have to have hope. That's why we were not able to let her go! Her future is so uncertain and we just have to be prepared to live with our decision.

julesverne · April 2013

Where are you in your PAL journey? Olivia 3, and Avery is almost 1 month old.

What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? *See
below
QOTW: How do you feel when your child reaches a milestone that your angel never got the chance to reach? *See below

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm missing Jack a lot since giving birth to Avery. I just keep thinking I should have my hands full with 3 kids. And although Avery is the spitting image of Olivia, there are moments when I look at her, and all I see is Jack. And it breaks my heart all over again. I will never know what Jack would have looked liked at 1 month old, 2 months...or any age beyond 9 days. The moment we stepped out of the hospital with Avery (and Olivia as well) in her car seat, I wanted to cry. I didn't get to bring Jack home in the way I had wanted.

Also, Olivia has been beaming with joy because she is a big sister.."I'm the big sister. Avery is the little sister", and though I am so happy to see my girls together, I wish I could explain to Olivia that she is a little sister too. She knows the picture on the bookcase is Jack,' and I think she has said a few times that he is her brother...but it's not the same.

I want all my kids with me. It still pi$$es me off that I can only hold 2 of my 3 kids.

I am so madly in love with my daughters...but I miss my son.

Petunia844 · April 2013

jbranden12:
Petunia844:
jbranden12:
Thank you ladies. I usually try to stay positive with people irl because people don't really know how to handle the scary stuff, just like people don't really know how to handle baby loss. I truly think many people just are sure everything will work out and she will be just fine. I would love to prove all the doctors wrong, but we also have to acknowledge our reality.
does it help to hear similar stories that turned out well? If it does I have one for you...but if not, I totally understand.
I like stories of all kinds. We know every brain and every baby is different, but we have to have hope. That's why we were not able to let her go! Her future is so uncertain and we just have to be prepared to live with our decision.

Ok, in that case, I'll tell you the story I have! One of my dear friends delivered her baby girl about 3 years ago... they didn't know anything was wrong. She was delivered a little early (can't remember how much now) because her mama has lupis and wasn't handling the pregnancy well. After she was born her cry was SUPER faint, but still it took a while for them to figure out it was because she was suffering massive brain bleeds. This was all a while ago so I honestly don't even remember how many surgeries she had to have, it was a lot. We were all trying to prepare ourselves to say our goodbyes, everyone was a mess. She came through one surgery after another and now she's 3. They told her parents they didn't know the extent of the damage from the bleeds. You'd never know about any of this if you met her. She is extra sensitive to noise and people, but honestly I think it's just because her parents were (rightfully so!) extremely protective of her.

I know she's not your little girl, and I heard so many "success" stories with p-e before I lost Peyton and it only made me more angry after he was gone... that's why I asked before I told you the story. You're right, every baby and every story is different. Your family is in my thoughts constantly and I hope with the utmost sincerity that your baby girl has a story similar to my friend's. She is absolutely gorgeous.

Want a personalized experience?

PAL CheckIn

Re: PAL CheckIn

Choose Another Board

Search Boards