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Attachment Parenting
southernbear
member
Advice Please: Disagreeing with Dr about STTN (long)
southernbear
member
Hi all,
We had our four month check up today. I'll preface this by stating that I really love our pediatrician. She is kind and understanding, knowledgeable, and has infant twins of her own - so is in the thick of it.
Today, the topic of sleeping through the night came up. I explained that no, my four month old does not sleep through the night - she is put to bed at 8:30, and wakes around1:30-2:00 to eat. Sometimes she wakes twice, around midnight and again at 4:00-5:00. She sleeps in a co-sleeper and falls asleep on her own, normally without nursing to sleep. Occasionally, after her middle of the night waking, I will let her stay in bed with me. We practice safe bedsharing.
Apparently, this is abnormal and is something I need to change, according to my pediatrician. She literally printed out this article for me to read, and I think it is so full of terrible information, I'm actually shaken up.
The article is found here:
(Disclaimer - this is not my pedi office... I just happened to find the same article there, as the one she printed did not have a link on the page)
Ok, seriously? I don't feel comfortable forcibly stretching out daytime feedings to 4+ hours... if my child is hungry, I feed her. I will not let my poor kid lay there awake and crying in her crib wondering where I am. If she is crying, I soothe her. Sometimes that involves nursing. I think she needs to know I will try to help her when she's upset. I'm also not ready to move her to her own room. I don't want to go that route until at least six months, or when we both mutually feel ready to do so. Don't even get me started on the "security object" bit - cuddly stuffed animal?! Seriously? Hello, SIDS risk. There is just so much crap in this article, I'm actually a little offended.
So, now that I've vented, and calmed down a bit... how do I handle this at the next office visit? Do I outright lie to my pedi and tell her that she is now sleeping 12 hours at a time, on her own, in her own room? Do I tell her honestly that I disagree with the information she gave me? What's the best way to proceed without damaging a really strong relationship we have with our doctor? Until today, we've seen eye to eye on everything regarding the care of my child (and my two stepchildren as well).
Thanks for letting me vent, and TIA for any input.
"I will love the light because it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness, for it shows me the stars." (Og Mandino)
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Re: Advice Please: Disagreeing with Dr about STTN (long)
If you really do otherwise want to stick with this doctor, I would just answer further sleep questions with "we're happy with how she's sleeping" and not elaborate. You could, if you want to, say that you didn't think that article was very factual or helpful... but you're unlikely to change her mind if that's her school of parenting.
This is parenting advice, not medical advice. It is entirely within your prerogative to decide that you don't take parenting advice from your doctor, just like you don't take medical advice from your mom. You don't necessarily have to get a new doctor (or a new mother) just because you don't take everything they say as gospel truth. That said, finding a doctor that is supportive (or at least indifferent) to your parenting choices is pretty awesome. I don't think my doctor raises her kid how I raise mine, but she also doesn't tell me I need to wean because I'm pregnant. To me, that's important.
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Depends on your style and how much you want to keep a good relationship with your doctor. I wouldn't say anything if I was not asked about it. If I were asked about it, I would say, "I read the article that you gave me. We have a different parenting method that we are happy and comfortable with. LO gets X hours of sleep a day, and does not show signs of being overtired throughout the day." And I would stick to the "we have chosen a different method of parenting than that" line without going into further details.
If you're not strongly attached to this doctor, and have another one you'd be happy to move to, I would say, "I read the article that you gave me, and disagree strongly with a number of points made in it. I can bring you the scientific studies and expert analysis that leads me to that conclusion if you like, and would be happy to talk to you about the decisions we have made about how we will parent - decisions that we are happy about and will ask for advice if we would like to change them - if you have medical concerns about LO."
But that's me. Know that anything you say that she might possibly construe as disagreeing with advice that she herself follows may affect your doctor/patient relationship. It might not, of course, but it has that possibility, because we're all human.
My pediatrician's office has a link to that "Pediatric Advisor" on their website. You may be surprised to hear that when DD was a baby the info on sleep was even worse. They updated and softened a lot of it in the current version.
I have two bad sleepers. I have come to the conclusion that it must be DH's genes. (Kidding -- sort of). Unless your baby is overtired or having health issues it is not really a pediatrician's concern and she may think she is just helping you. I agree with the others and would just say, "We are very happy with how she is sleeping" and leave it at that. To be perfectly honest, I think your DD is a fantastic sleeper for four months old! I wish my 14 month old slept that well. Yawn.
i ignore my pedi's advice on sleep and just say lo sleeps fine, i'm not concerned and change the subject. my pedi gives horrid parenting advice but i don't care. she's an awesome doctor and cares about my kids. when my daughter started showing signs of something being wrong, she made sure the best specialists at our children's hospital saw her and called on her behalf so instead of waiting 6-12 months for an appointment we had one in under two months. when my dd had what appears to be a seizure last week, she gave me her personal cell number and calls every few days to check how she's doing. having a pedi you trust medically is more important than having a pedi whose parenting advice you agree with.
This. It's a parenting issue, not a medical issue. As long as your baby is getting enough sleep overall and is healthy and growing correctly, it doesn't matter how you do it. Just nod and smile and move on. We did this with our first kid and now my pedi didn't even flinch when I told him we were bedsharing again with #2. He knows I don't really care about his sleep advice.
Kelly mom had a great article on sleeping and eating in the "four month wakeful period".
https://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/4mo-sleep/
I can't make it clicky on my iPad. Essentially you can tank your supply by refusing night feelings, especially if your LO is a distracted snacker at 4mo.
My DD turned 4mo yesterday. She goes down around 7, I dream feed her around 10/10:30, she wakes at 3 for a feed, and may wake again around 6 and sleep more or wake at 7 and be up.
Im all about feeding DD whenever she wants. I don't see the point of refusing. I also don't see how withholding food from a four month old hungry baby teaches them anything except to be hungry and upset.
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I would not even bring up the sleeping thing at all. I did everything "wrong" with my DD according to that article. My DD will be 3 next month and in the past 6 months has started sleeping through the night most of the time. Sometimes she still wakes up and yes, I still nurse her back to sleep. She never nurses to sleep anymore before bedtime. She still nurses last thing before going down but she is always still awake (except if she skipped a nap and is completely exhausted). She has done this since 15 months old or so.
At 4 months she was waking twice a night. Around one year it went down to once a night and about a month later she started waking a lot more again. CIO did not work with her at all and I wasn't really interested in doing that anyway so I didn't try it very hard. At 17 months I did a small "intervention" because she was waking up every 2 hours and that was exhausting. I would lie down next to her and sing until she would finally fall asleep. That got her back down to 1-2 x a night wakings and that worked for me.
I was happy once she was back down to 1-2 x a night wakings and slowly she started STTN on her own. Since I am always the one getting up with her and I didn't really mind it most nights I figured it was my business. She was also slow to gain weight so I figured it wasn't hurting her to get night feedings still.
You need to do what works for you. I think moms of twins are more used to having a schedule. Since they have two of them it would make it very hard if you did everything like I did with my kid because they probably would never sleep. So her advice maybe a bit skewed by the fact that she has twins. If you like her otherwise just don't make the sleep thing something you want to discuss. As long as your LO is getting enough sleep who cares...
My Pediatrician has never once asked me how my son was sleeping.
At four months, I am sure he was waking 3-4 times a night to nurse. If that is abnormal, so be it. We don't CIO, and since breastmilk was his only nutrition, I would never deny a feeding at that age.
My son didn't truly STTN until I night weaned him at 14 months. Abnormal? Maybe, but it worked for us.
Trust your gut.
DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d
Thanks so much ladies. I needed this. I'm going to go into our six month appointment with an open mind and give her another chance, as I really do like her medical advice and I think she's a good doctor - but you're right... medical advice and parenting advice are two different things. I need to remember that when things like this come up.
She was pretty aggressive about "dropping the night feeding," so I know that will come up again... and I just need to stick to my guns and be tough about how I respond. My child is sleeping well and growing well... I don't see a need to change what we're doing.
Thanks again. Feels better to know that I'm not alone on my assessment of that advice.
I'd print this out and give to her
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful
No no no. I tried streching things to make my baby sleep longer and it bit me in the but. Don't do it.
We did do CIO when he was about 7.5 months because he was waking up 4 times a night just to say hi, and that worked for us at that time. I would never do it to a 4 month old. I think waking up once is a blessing! Keep doing what you're doing and I side eye your dr.
2012
Your pedi should be fine with you glossing over the details or explaining your parenting strategy and if she isn't, you're probably better moving on. I'm sorry that ruffled your feathers. I'm convinced that the common "wisdom" about spacing daytime feedings while night weaning at 4 months is a main reason why US exclusive breastfeeding rates suck. It's such a shame!
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Thank you. It ruffled my feathers so much, I think, because I wasn't expecting it. To this point, we really haven't received any parenting advice from her and I wasn't anticipating getting any... never-mind advice that totally contradicts what I believe about caring for a baby.
Do they specifically preach night-weaning at 4 months in med school? That sounds ridiculous to me - and you're right. If they do push that, it's no wonder that most moms don't last much past 3-4 months exclusively breastfeeding. Sad.
Also, for what it's worth, before I was a mother myself... I never would have anticipated following so many tenets of attachment parenting, especially co-sleeping. I always pictured myself with a baby in a crib in a nursery, sleeping soundly through the night, with a baby monitor next to my bed as I snoozed. The reality of the matter is that AP styles ended up working for me and my baby. I think it just frustrates me that my doctor (and so many others) don't see that there is more than one correct way to raise a child.
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