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December 2010 Moms
star1123
member
update on my party experience
star1123
member
I posted a week or so ago about being stressed about taking Aiden to a birthday party. He gets so whiny and clingy and generally freaked out when we go to an unfamiliar place. I then in turn get so stressed that I don't want to take him anywhere. I do know that it is all stemmed from this deep rooted fear that there is something wrong with him...or something. My doctor even put my on anxiety meds because I get so worried that something is atypical with my son. I feel like a crazy person half the time. It's clearly taken a huge toll on my over the last 1.5 years (when I started to freak out a bit).
Anyway, the day started out with us going to a play date to a friends house. He did freak out a bit when we got there. Kept saying, "no car mommy" meaning he wanted me to go back to the car with him. I held him, and then within maybe a minute or two he saw the fun toys there, and was instantly fine. He had a good time playing with the toys. Then they went outside and were playing very nicely together. My son was trying to play catch with the other boy, chasing eachother, etc. He didn't want to leave he had such a great time.
So, it's like that initial going somewhere freaks him out. I do sort of think it has something to do with separation anxiety because he's been doing this freak out and cry thing when I drop him off at daycare. He's fine apparently the second I walk out the door and just gives me a hard time..ugh..awful way to start my day leaving him screaming.
At the party - same thing didn't want to go. He saw balloons and was in his glory playing with them, then played basketball with the other kids, etc. It was time to go inside, and he of course didn't want to so screamed and cried. I hate this because I feel like everyone is watching/staring thinking - what's with the toddler freaking out! I am sure I am overreacting but that's how it feels.
I give him a cookie, he's fine then. He plays for awhile in the playroom, and the other two year old and him sat next to eachother for awhile playing with cars. My son kept handing him cars and tried to race them with him. It is encouraging to see him at least try to play with other kids.
But Aiden really refused to leave the playroom with the toys. I do get it because that is what interested him, but he would cry and shout NO if I asked him to go out into the other room. He finally did for a minute or two at one point, but it does seem like he kind of just ignores everyone. Even when everyone sang Happy Birthday he barely looked up, and just kept playing with the toy kitchen stuff.
I don't know if I am just freaking out, overreacting, or what...or if this is something to be concerned about. DH thinks our son is perfectly fine and just shy with people he doesn't know. He thinks I'm being silly because Aiden has NEVER been to that house before, didn't know a single person, and there were like 30 people there and all of the kids were older. He even said - how would you feel if you went to a house you never been to before and didn't know a single person. would you be super social? And I get that because I wouldn't be. I would be probably in the corner, super uncomfortable and not enjoying a party where I didn't know anyone. But it just seems like so many toddlers I see are like - look at me!!! trying to be center of attention.
Sorry this is so long.
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Re: update on my party experience
My son is shy, and when he first gets to a house that has a big party going on, he is the same way. He is very clingy to me, but then if there are toys and snacks, he's cool. He also needs to have had a nap or he will lose his sh!t at the slightest incident.
I think it's hard if you are outgoing (I am) to understand a shy person. So I have had to really go out of my way to try to understand my son's feelings. He is never going to be a person that hugs random relatives, or tries to show off for them. He is going to want breaks and to play by himself.
I try to psych up Alexander if we are going somewhere unfamiliar by telling him the familiar things that will be there. For instance, I will say at this party, Grandma will be there and there will be balloons and cake! Or This little boy has a train set you can play with! Then I talk about that as we go in, and let him hold onto me as long as he wants.
Believe me, I understand your anxiety. When Alexander went to mygym, he cried the entire first half hour we were there. I thought there was something definitely wrong with him. But now I almost feel like I understand him more...it's just the way he is.
But I also know that you need to relax. He is probably picking up on your anxiety about the situation when you really need to be acting as though everything is peachy keen. When they don't know how to act in a situation, they look to us to see how we are reacting. So we need to at least put on a calm face, even if we don't really feel that way. As long as your son is not anxious the ENTIRE time or so scared that he is unable to calm down, I don't think it's an issue.
:::hugs::: it's totally normal to worry whether our kids are normal or not!
Thanks so much Jilly
He was evaluated last summer, and working with two therapists. Mostly for speech because last summer wasn't talking much. The county I live in automatically assigns a special instruction therapist to anyone receiving speech, so he does work with a spec ed therapist. I have talked to her a few time about my anxieties and she has said that my son doesn't display anything that other kids on the spectrum display. I know that EI might not really tell me if they thought anything, but I am hoping since the spec ed therapist knows how edgy I get, she would at least recommend we do something further. She is super, super nice and I just love her. She is going to be dismissing him after his next review, so I am also taking that as a good sign.
On his last review we got in the mail she wrote he does very well with social play, so guessing that is a good sign.
I get reports from daycare all of the time that he is pegged as the "sweet boy" in the room. If one of the kids is upset, he will go and pat their back or say "okay?" to them. I think that indicates that he really is okay, just maybe anxious in unfamiliar situations. I don't know.
Alexander gets so upset at the barbershop that he screams like he is being tortured the whole time. Last time they even cut his ear because he was thrashing and even I couldn't hold him down enough.
Are you outgoing like me? I think it's just hard to feel the same as they do! And if you are not, it might be hard to even show them how to feel comfortable if you don't.
I think Halo has some experience with this...am I right, Halo? Also, isn't OSC's Charlie shy too? We are all in it together
DS hates all transitions even though he likes going places. So I totally see what you're tlaking about there.
Sometimes DS is super social but sometimes he is TOTALLY not. I think that is common at this age. When DS gets into a book/toy, he can really ignore everything else going on around him. I wouldn't worry about it, but I would keep taking Aiden out to things like this. Clearly he enjoys it once he comes around!
If he has speech issues I'm betting a lot of his anxiety is stemming from not being able to express himself. Before J had his big language explosion we had a lot of problems with him biting. You could tell he just didn't know what to do so he would bite. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be not being able to communicate?
I think your description of his reactions sound normal for a toddler. Like I mentioned before we had to practice visiting before he understood the concept. I found these two articles interesting (and funny).
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/27/tantrums-toddlers_n_2774399.html
https://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/
I think there's a couple things going on here: 1) being a touch shy or maybe just slower to warm up and take in a new situation, and 2) not wanting to transition away from something he enjoys. It seems like in your party story most of the meltdown were related to transitions. (I empathize--transitions are a huge struggle for us!)
As for transition stuff, I have gotten some ideas from "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Between Parent and Child" but it's still tough. I think the language delay my DS has adds to the problem. I am hoping as his language skills grow, he'll understand my cues that it's time to switch activities and be less upset by it.
As for being slow to warm up, I do think some of that is just personality. My son is that way, but so am I and so is my husband, so we get it. Basically, if we go somewhere new, we let DS explore and observe at his own pace. He usually likes to watch for a while before getting into the action. Interestingly, when we had him eval'd at EI last week, social was one of only two areas that he was not delayed in, so I feel like this is normal...just his personality.
Our speech therapist said Nate's "shyness" and the fact that he doesn't speak AT ALL at daycare is from speech issues. Apparently, he's smart enough to know that he can't communicate as well as the other kids, so he just doesn't talk. Not being able to communicate also plays a role in tantrums. It sounds like your LO is just being a normal two year old to me. They throw fits when they don't want to leave activities and often have a hard time transitioning if they are having fun doing the first thing! Nate doesn't like new people and places either. We went to a new library for storytime this morning (we drove 15 min. across the city because the one in our new neighborhood is terrible!) He clung to my leg the entire time, refused to sing the songs, and I had to walk with him up to the librarian to get a sticker because he wouldn't go on his own. He'll do the same thing the next 15 times we go until he decides he's comfortable there. I say it's normal kid behavior. Some are just more shy than others.
You are correct! Jack has what the pedi calls "extreme stranger anxiety", within a normal range, but at the extreme top of that 'normal' range. A little after he turned 1 year I also thought there must be something wrong with him, he would scream if a stranger in a parking lot spoke to us from 10 feet away.
He has gotten a LOT better, but he sometimes still hides his face and almost cries when strangers pay too much attention to him, or if he is put in a situation where he can't cling to me in a strange environment. Honestly, I would have been thrilled if he had acted the way your DS did at that party full of strangers.
PP gave a lot of great advice. I can't speak for the communication factor, as Jack talks a lot and is very good at communicating his needs. But I definitely agree that being anxious yourself can make the situation worse. At first I had a lot of anxiety about it, wondering if there was something wrong with him or if I had made some mistake that made him that way. I think talking to your pedi, or the EI worker about what is normal and what you should worry about will help. Something else that really helped my own personal anxiety was realizing that he was a happy, normal kid at home and around people he knows.
It can be very worrisome, and make you want to stay at home and hide. But I think that not giving up, still going to parties and playdates, still letting him know that you are there for him and he is safe with you is good. Also, accepting that this is the way he is right now helps. It may not be what you expected your child to be like, and it may make life more difficult, but the more you can do to understand it and accept it and help him through it, the better for all of you!
And like Jilly said, we are all in it together! Keep us updated. ::hugs::