Awkward topic... — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Awkward topic...

It's about sex. Don't say I didn't warn you guys Stick out tongue

Okay, so I have about 5 weeks left until #2 is born. DH and I haven't had sex in over two months. For real. And it is mainly because I just don't want to. We have an 18 month old son and between him and now feeling like a whale that is on the verge of exploding, I just don't want to. Well... there are some other issues there. Like the fact DH started sexually abusing me two and a half weeks after I had DS (had stitches still and everything) and I sort of put up with it for almost a year... then I started telling people what was going on. I had been on the verge of jumping out the window or something crazy just from hiding it for so long. We went to counseling for an intro session before Thanksgiving and haven't been back since. Side note: I even cancelled the wedding we were supposed to have in the Catholic Church in August... the day of... because I was contemplating divorce so much at the time and it would have been a pain in the butt getting an annulment.  

Needless to say, DH has been pushing the whole sex topic lately because he knows it will be at least 6 weeks after DD is born that he won't get any. He is getting to the point where he wants to explode with frustration. 

I'm not quite sure what to do. I have tried telling him over and over that I just haven't seen him put much effort into repairing our marriage and the damage that was done, that we need to go to counseling together, etc. At this point, I feel like our marriage is purely financial. He has been working an insane amount for a really long time and hardly spends time with me. The last "date" we had was going to the counselor and having dinner afterwards for my bday... he kept calling work to see if they needed him to come in. Guess how that made me feel?

So basically I've been at the end of my rope for awhile and am just at a loss of what to do right now. I even told one of my best friends I just didn't see myself staying with DH through the end of this year... it sounds so harsh and cold, but I just feel like there is hardly anything left between us, except being parents.

I need some honest guy advice. You know the kind that might come out sounding absolutely terrible? I am just tired of asking women about this because they are so judgmental most of the time (sshhh... don't tell any women I said that). Most of my life I have been surrounded by guy friends (maybe I was a bit of a flirt), so it has been incredibly difficult for me to back away from them what with being married now :/

How do I get it through my DH's head that I do NOT want to have sex with him, quite possibly never again? How do I get him to understand that he can either face what he has done head on and make counseling happen and actually put some effort into fixing our marriage, otherwise he might be on his own soon, paying child support? Would it be low of me to get a lawyer at this point? Is it possible to get court ordered counseling in a situation like this? I just need some straight, to the point answers!  

Re: Awkward topic...

  • imageBriDaily:

    I need some honest guy advice.

    Talk to a lawyer. Leave him. Get yourself and your children as far away as fast as you can from this abusive P.O.S.

     I'm sorry. It's not going to be easy, and I have all the sympathy in the world for you and your children. But you need to get out, now.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
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  • This relationship, if you can call it that at this point, sounds severely fractured.   At this point, I'd probably just get the lawyer, cut my losses and move on.  He doesn't seem to want to fix anything, he just wants a hole to put it in.  If he were serious about trying to repair the relationship, he would make more of an effort.

    If he sexually abused you, that would have been enough for me.  There are certain lines you don't cross, and that is one of them.  Then the fact that he just doesn't seem to care and haven't had a date since Thanksgiving (if you can call counseling and a dinner it sounded like he didn't want to be on a date)... it is pretty clear how he feels. 

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  • Hmm. If we are going to judge your husband, let's at least be clear what he did. Was he putting his penis in your vagina 2 weeks after you gave birth?
  • I wonder who lilparrish is?

    Anyway......

    This guy is a total POS.  He will never change, and probably should have been charged with sexual assault, if it would have been reported at the time of the incident.

    All that is left to do now is leave him.  Get a lawyer ASAP, and get away from him like yesterday.  It is only a matter of time before his violence becomes more than just sexual in nature.  You need to think about your children now, and make sure their mother is alive for them.

    I would ask, why haven't you left him already??  You are a victim of a crime at his hands, and you are still with him??

    image

  • imageLuckyDad:
    imageBriDaily:

    I need some honest guy advice.

    Talk to a lawyer. Leave him. Get yourself and your children as far away as fast as you can from this abusive P.O.S.

     I'm sorry. It's not going to be easy, and I have all the sympathy in the world for you and your children. But you need to get out, now.

    ^This.  Leave and never look back.  

    ___________________________________________________________
          
     image
  • imageladyjenna13:

    I would ask, why haven't you left him already??  You are a victim of a crime at his hands, and you are still with him??

    Sadly, it's often hard for abuse victims to leave their abusers. Look at Rihanna and Chris Brown. Many abuse victims feel financially dependent on their partner. They may not have anyone they think will take them in. And that's before you consider what you want to tell your children. Leaving is the right thing to do, but that doesn't make it easy.

    Again, Real Men don't abuse their wives. Scumbags do. I sincerely hope the OP finds herself some help and gets out.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • imageLuckyDad:
    imageladyjenna13:

    I would ask, why haven't you left him already??  You are a victim of a crime at his hands, and you are still with him??

    Sadly, it's often hard for abuse victims to leave their abusers. Look at Rihanna and Chris Brown. Many abuse victims feel financially dependent on their partner. They may not have anyone they think will take them in. And that's before you consider what you want to tell your children. Leaving is the right thing to do, but that doesn't make it easy.

    Again, Real Men don't abuse their wives. Scumbags do. I sincerely hope the OP finds herself some help and gets out.

    I get that...I really do. 

    However, at the same time, there is an instinct we all have to protect ourselves, and our children, from harm.  It seems that the poster has reached a conclusion in her own mind about this, so the hesitation to openly declare that she is DONE seems odd to me.

    I know some woman who remain in abusive relationships because they see the negative behavior as a show of caring, in some sick way.  I did not see that in the OP. 

    I just hope, for the children, that this woman finds the strength to remove herself and her children from this situation.  There are resources out there for such things, so I hope she is able to reach out to those resources and get the support she needs to leave this monster.

     

    image

  • Please get yourself some counseling without him. You deserve it. Good luck and be safe. 

  • Please get out of there!

    It will not get better with time.

    Get you and your kids to a safe place.

    You deserve better!

  • Are you married or are you not? you say you cancelled the wedding but then you say you want him to work on your marriage...

     If you are not married, leave him. If you are married then you should divorce him. If you are actually being abused then you need to call the cops. I know its hard thing to do, but he answer is that simple.

     you are not helping yourself out by being somewhat contradictory.  on the marriage, and with him saying he sexually abusing you but yet you were about to get married to him but instead had another child with him. If he raped you, he needs to be in jail. If he does it to you, he is more likely to do it to your daughter.

    If what you say is true,  my recommendation is to leave, surround yourself with supportive family members and then press charges against him. because if what you say is true, the man is a predator.

  • I'm not a guy, I'm a mom. I understand that a lot of people in general are judgmental and unhelpful when you are seeking advice about these types of situations. There is no reassuring answer. Anything you choose is going to be hard and painful. If you choose to stay, you do so knowing that this man does not care about you in the way a man should love/cherish his wife and the mother of his children. You choose to accept that and the abuse he dishes. That sucks as a choice. If you choose to leave, you do so knowing that you are leaving behind your means of financial support and security. You know that you will have to provide and fend for yourself and your babies and possibly do so without any help from friends or family.

     IF you choose to stay, things may never ever get better! They may stay the same or get worse. If you choose to leave yo might never have the financial security you seek. You may have to go on welfare, get food stamps, go to WIC, all of the humiliating things that come with poverty. Ultimately you have to decide what is more important to you. Are you willing to be abused for $? Or are you willing to suffer poverty for freedom?

    It is a hard and painful decision, and one that no one can help you make. 

    And just so you know, I was in a horribly abusive relationship before I met my current SO. So I am familiar with this situation and all the heartache it brings.

  • It sounds like you are really unhappy.  I would suggest you give him some sort of come to jesus talk and basically tell him what you want and need.  Give him some time to get his act together and if things do not improve you will need to leave.  I agree that you both should seek counseling to try to sort it out.

    Leaving will be very hard but you can do it.  There are tons of single mothers out there who do it every day.  I am a single mother not by choice.  My FI left me for another women and threw me out on the street.  I don't have hardly any family to help me but I go to work every day and my son goes to daycare and we get by.  I am one of the fortunates ones who does get child support regularly which helps me to pay for the daycare and a few other expenses.  If you do decide to leave you will need a lot of documentation in case he decides to fight you for custody.  You will need to document all of the abuse, dates, times, incidents. I have been dealing with my ex throught the courts and mediation and it is not easy but it is doable.  Either way life will go one. You will be fine.

    Additionally if you do decide to leave you will free yourself up to find true love and a person who will love you and treat you the way you deserve.  It may not seem like it now but there are tons of men out there who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve.

  • Leave this POS now.  By staying you are telling him he can get away with it.  You deserve better, your kids deserve better.  Any guy who abuses his wife, or any woman/girl for that matter is a complete waste of humanity.  Get a lawyer and a restraining order is what I say.
    Baby Jackson Grant Due 9/20/13 BabyFetus Ticker
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