vent: it isn't getting better :(

ATLdesi · April 2013

I dread even writing this post, but I think I need some support or even just sympathetic ears. My husband and I were elated to welcome our now nearly 12 week old son into the world and were more than happy to have our lives turned upside down for him - - and we still are,100%. I read a LOT while pregnant, solicited advice/experiences from friends with children, etc. and was very, very mentally prepared that the newborn experience would be challenging. I educated myself so much, that I was mentally prepared for the absolute worst - and I think this got me through the first 12 weeks really well. But now that we're at the tail end of the "lost trimester," I guess you could say we're just kind of shocked at how difficult this still is sometimes.

As much as I hate to use the word, because I hate to label him anything at this tender age - our son fits the textbook definition of a "colicky baby," meaning he definitely cries for 3+ hours a day, at least 3 days a week, for over 3 weeks now - since the 6 week mark, and even now he's still going strong with no sign of stopping. He hardly naps at ALL during the daytime hours - he maybe sleeps about 10-15 minutes in the mid-morning, and that's it. He's amazingly in great spirits most of the day, despite not napping, until about 6 pm and then all hell breaks loose. He screams bloody murder, like someone is ripping his toenails out, from about 6 pm till 9 pm every single day, when he passes out for the night from exhaustion. There is never a discernible reason - he'll be completely fed, burped, changed, etc. and just cry and cry, probably just from overtiredness. I have read every single current "expert" on sleep, and tried all the suggestions - room darkening shades, white noise, etc. but thus far nothing has worked for us.

All of this, at weeks 6, 7, 8 - I accepted as totally normal. Then week 9 came, and 10 - and it wasn't letting up, at all. And now, we're at 12 weeks, and it isn't letting up. I don't know what to make of it.

I am EBF-ing, and he's a good nurser - but on his own terms. My son is a "snacker" and only nurses for about 8-10 minutes at a time - - which means he wants to eat every 45-60 minutes. He has had this pattern since birth, and I may have posted on here in desperation around week 6-7 wondering if anyone had advice on how to get him to nurse longer and less frequently. I thought surely by this point, he would have stabilized into a more satisfying nursing pattern that would get him fuller so he could sleep better, etc. - but no dice. Again - I was very patient with this, and am still patiently riding it out . . . but I am starting to get concerned that he's getting older, and things haven't worked out yet for him to feel full and satisfied for more than 45 minutes at a time some days.

He is better at night - can go about 2 hours between feedings, for which I am very grateful. But yes, I'm getting up about 2-3 times a night still, every single day. I am exhausted. He went 2.5 hours once, and I was absolutely floored. And it never happened again.

I am currently a SAHM, not by choice (I've been unemployed for over a year) and my DH's career has him away from home 6 am-10 pm most weekdays, and 6 am-4 pm every other weekend. We live 1000 miles from our closest family member, so no family support with the baby. I have lots of friends in town but none who seem to feel comfortable helping out with childcare. So from February 5th till this day, it has literally just been me with this child, 24/7. I haven't been separated from him for more than an hour - and its not from some commitment to a philosophy of attachment, etc. (though respect to those who practice it) - - it's been out of a lack of accessible options.

Till he was 12 weeks old, I felt uncomfortable with hiring help because between EBF-ing and all the craziness of our lives, I hardly had a moment to breathe, let alone research childcare options. But at this point, I know what we have to do - despite my lack of employment, the high cost, and all other complications, I need to get a babysitter at least 1-2 days a week for a few hours a day, because this experience has run me ragged and it isn't possible for me to hang in there much longer.

I don't know what the point of this post is. Sorry for rambling. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else out there feels the way I do.

Karla CS · April 2013

No real advice for you, but hang in there, momma! Do what you need to do to keep sane - you can't take care of the baby if you aren't taking care of yourself. Have you asked the doctor for advice?

Runaway22 · April 2013

Sagen:
This too shall pass, I promise. I don't know when, but one day it will. There is an answer somewhere, even if it is just time. Try different things out, but if all else fails you know that time will fix it. Hang in there, you're doing great.

I love you for posting this, so I can greedily apply it to myself

OP, I don't have any advice either, but my goodness. You get my sympathies for sure. I'm rooting for you and your sanity!

Bride-hilda · April 2013

The hardly sleeping and the really grumpy in the evening things sounds familiar. I think it's all gas. He doesn't burp, but he might need to.... Write down what you're eating.

lbonga1 · April 2013

I'm kind of in a similar situation with my DD. She was a pretty laid back baby up until about the 5 week mark when she started going through a growth spurt. She was crying all the time because the was always hungry. She went from waking up once a night to eat to pretty much every hour and a half. After the growth spurt, she started screaming when she's upset instead of just crying. Sometimes it sounds like she's dying or something. So we try changing her, feeding, rocking, walking around with her, burping, gas drops, gripe water, bouncing her on our knees, putting her in her swing, white noise, pretty much anything you can think of. And those things will work off and on, but there are times when it seems like nothing will calm her down. I remembered hearing some good things about Colic Calm though, so I went to the drugstore last night to pick some up. So far it seems like it's helped a bit. It makes her drowsy so we've at least gotten a few good long naps that way. Maybe you could try that too? Just a warning though, it's a black liquid, and your LO's BM will have black stuff in it. I was a little surprised when I first saw that.

jbeth12 · April 2013

Lurker from the January board here.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Just a thought, but have you tried infant probiotics? They are called Bio Gaia, you have to ask for them at the pharmacy counter. Costco and Walmart seem to have them the cheapest, 20 something dollars for a little vail that lasts a few weeks. My friend's paediatrician suggested them for her colicky baby, and now all the babies I know, including my three month old, take them. Just a few drops a day works wonders for the fussy baby.
I also ebf, but I found that pumping and giving a bottle at night really helped. Maybe because my little guy drinks it faster and gets in a larger quantity? Good for you for breastfeeding, especially when it can be exhausting to have a snacker.
I hope things get easier for you soon. Hang in there mama.

fullfhope · April 2013

I'm sorry this is a tough time for you. You seem to be handling this with much more patience and grace than most ever would. I wish you were in the NYC area, I would suggest a meetup. I have no advice except to say your idea to hire help sounds good. Do take care of yourself. Best of luck, hugs to you and your baby.

ahenry143 · April 2013

https://m.youtube.com//watch?v=yotq4zr0dRcdesktop_uri=2Fwatch3Fv3Dyotq4zr0dRc

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but wanted to share this link. Whenever I'm feeling discouraged I watch this! Sorry if it doesn't post as a clicky!

2moms2b · April 2013

We have a screamer too at night. Try to YouTube a video called baby got colic. It's a changing series of really loud white noise. A friend of mine showed it to me and man it will calm my screamer in about a minute to where he can calm down and sleep. We also use it for naps. Colic Calm as some one suggested is awesome but is very black. Good news is it doesn't stain. It's all natural and helps my fussy one settle to sleep.

I will say hang in there. We are at 13 weeks now and it is starting to reside and a happy baby is emerging. It's not every night but it is at least a light at the end of the tunnel. I also think you are on the right track with a sitter. Even if just once per week, on days where things get really bad you know you have a few hours on a certain day where you can sleep, get out of the house etc.

You are doing great! My hat is off to you on breast feeding still but I also second trying to pump and bottle feed a few times to see if LO will drink more at a time as the bottle can be easier for some LOs to eat more in a shorter time.

Sending you virtual hugs!

eatdrinkstretch · April 2013

Please google "the period of purple crying." We had to watch a movie on this "condition" before we left the hospital, and it sounds exactly like what you are going through. Also, please do not hesitate to reach out to your doctor to say that you are feeling overwhelmed. There is help out there and I hate to think of you contributing to struggle through this alone. Good luck!

pgros005 · April 2013

eatdrinkstretch:
Please google "the period of purple crying." We had to watch a movie on this "condition" before we left the hospital, and it sounds exactly like what you are going through. Also, please do not hesitate to reach out to your doctor to say that you are feeling overwhelmed. There is help out there and I hate to think of you contributing to struggle through this alone. Good luck!

Read pregnantchicken.com post on purple crying. If anything, it will make you laugh. Sometimes it may not be realistic to leave at the moment, but you can laugh. Lo will never know and you will feel better.

wifeofadam · April 2013

Hang in there, mama! It will get better.

As far as sleep goes, have you tried wearing the baby throughout the day. Some days that's the only way my DD naps. And she is also waking 3-4 times each night. It's just a phase that she will grow out of eventually.

Also, have you tried changing your diet? My nephew was colicky and my sister was almost pulling her hair out by the time he was 3 months old. She decided to do an elimination diet and they discovered that dairy, soy, and beef were the culprits. Once she stopped eating that, he calmed down. It may be worth a shot.

Drea926 · April 2013

Huge hugs to you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I think hiring some help is a good idea. You need to give yourself a bit of a break!

kelly321 · April 2013

Sagen:
This too shall pass, I promise. I don't know when, but one day it will. There is an answer somewhere, even if it is just time. Try different things out, but if all else fails you know that time will fix it. Hang in there, you're doing great.

This absolutely. If you need help, get it. Things will get better at some point! Well, at least they'll get different and there will be other problems (says the mom of a teething toddler). ;-)

almostjennifer · April 2013

Have you tried baby-wearing? My DD will usually fall asleep in the Moby Wrap.

I totally agree with you that you need help. You should get someone to watch him during the day when he's happy and take that time to get away and recharge yourself. If I were you, I would not leave him with anyone during his colicky times -- I'd be so worried about someone losing patience with him.

Remember, take breaks when he's screaming. Put him in his crib, turn off the monitors and go take a shower, watch TV, whatever for 20 minutes. It won't hurt him and it will keep you sane.

FWIW, I was a legendary colicky baby. My mom rushed me to the ER twice because she thought my innards must be exploding. I'm 36 years old and my parents, aunts and uncles STILL talk about how awful it was. Well, I quit crying eventually and am fine today.

Christee25 · April 2013

You are a trooper! My best advice is hire a sitter....you deserve it and need it! I work in a high school guidance office and we have a posting board for outside jobs. Perhaps contact your local school to advertise for a few hours a week or whatever. I wish I could help in some way! Hugs, thoughts and prayers to you!!

ATLdesi · April 2013

Wow - I am shocked and touched to get so many responses here. Thank you so much. Seriously, your kindness moves me to tears! I really appreciate every single suggestion, virtual hug, and show of support.

I am certainly happy to talk more about my diet and the overall breastfeeding situation we've got going on. Although, just to clarify, in our case I don't think my DS's "colic" is really rooted in any kind of stomach trouble or issue with the breastfeeding. I think it really is sort of unexplained crying - - and if its got its roots in anything, its probably in being overtired and not taking naps at all during the day, and then feeding so frequently at night too which means interrupted sleep for him. That's my personal feeling about it - but I want to be thorough so I'm going to talk about the whole breastfeeding thing now, and if you guys see something I don't, please share!

So, my diet: I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian. My breakfast is usually a bowl of oatmeal made with water, a piece of fruit, and black tea. For lunch - I try to have a sandwich (something like PBJ or hummus on whole wheat), some 100-calorie cheesy crackers, and a lowfat yogurt. I usually drink a caffeine-free diet soda or a gatorade, though I'm trying to be good and switch to water. For the last 12 weeks this has been totally doable, but I confess that in the last week, there have 2-3 days times where DS was really clingy during the day, and I couldn't really eat a proper lunch In the afternoons - I ended up chugging a can of Ensure (gross). Around 3-4 pm, I sometimes have a bowl of cereal and milk (lactaid), and another cup of black tea which I make really weak these days so as not to get too much caffeine late in the day. For dinner - usually an entree (spaghetti/marinara, homemade pad thai, roasted veggie pizza with soy cheese, etc.) with a huge serving of steamed frozen veggies. I usually have some sort of treat for dessert, like a Skinny Cow ice cream bar or something.

I don't know if this is too much dairy, or caffeine? Do you think its possible? As far as DS goes - most days he's in good spirits from the morning till like 3-4 pm, then he gets somewhat tired and by 6 is inconsolable. He has really good burps after nursing sessions, and he sometimes gets gas, but neither of these things seem to really bother him - he's happy letting it out He has mustard-color poops (not green or any other color, indicating an imbalance of fats in the breastmilk). Usually like 4-5 poops a day, and at the same times each day for the most part. He is gaining weight really nicely, and rarely spits up. The only time he ever spits up is when he's bottle-fed (fewer than 2-3 feedings a week, just b/c my DH gets home so late he doesn't usually see DS awake - so if its just me at home, easier to breastfeed than deal with making a bottle, washing up after, etc.) I do try and pump like 4 times a week just to create a frozen stash for whenever we do hire a sitter - and in the morning I can usually get like 5 oz. out of one side within less than 7 minutes. I think I have a good supply. I don't know why my DS won't nurse for very long, or why he nurses so frequently - - after talking with his pedi, she seems to think that's just his personality, and that he's a "snacker".

Uh oh, he's crying again! Gotta run - but if you're still with me, bless your heart!!!

IncogNeato · April 2013

I'm sorry. My first was like that. I think she was chronically overtired, despite my best efforts. Have you tried babywearing? Once I bullied DD1 into loving the moby, she would sleep most of the day on me. It kept me sane (barely.) I promise it will get easier eventually, but I remember this stage with her VERY WELL. I was petrified to go through it again but thankfully DD2 is a totally different baby. Hang in there!

Ann003 · April 2013

You poor thing. Hire someone to help you out. If I didn't have a nanny, I wouldn't get any sleep. I'm so much more patient when I've gotten some rest. Hopefully this passes soon, but in the meantime you need to take care of yourself.

MicahBaviere · April 2013

Long-time lurker here. It breaks my heart to read your post! My DD isn't colicky, but at 11 weeks she doesn't nap during the day either. 20 minutes tops, if that, and then when the sunset begins (around 5:30-6pm in my neck of the woods) she goes all-out crazy crying for about two hours. I have no idea why, but like you I suspect it's because she's overtired from not napping at all during the day. Lately I've decided that I'm done with this cat-napping nonsense and am starting to enforce at least a 45 minute minimum. My mom taught me this trick when DD was a newborn: When he's fussing after his 15 minute "nap", put on some white noise or other soft noise (my DD loves anything piano by Jim Brickman - very soft, soothing music), and without picking him up start shushing him loud enough that your voice is louder than his cry and at the same time gently stroke his forehead between the eyes in an upward motion with one or two fingers. For whatever reason, this is like the "off switch" on my DD. She calms right down and gets sleepy again immediately. It takes about 10 minutes of this process, but I can usually get her to sleep for at least another 30 minutes.

Ditto the Colic Calm. DD has terrible gas if I can't get her to burp (which is often), and this stuff works better than anything we've tried. Like others have said, it does tend to make baby sleepy and it does stain clothes (although I've found with a little Resolve or OxyClean pre-wash treatment, the stains mostly come out). I give it to DD about 10 min before a bottle, or put it directly in the bottle.

I've also found that a warm bath can often help calm the crying a little. If nothing else, the water shocks her into silence for 20 minutes, which is a welcome, if very small, respite. Have you tried baby massage? Chamomile and lavender baby lotions are available, and it's supposed to be very calming and relaxing for them. I think there are YouTube videos that can show you the proper technique.

I know you're EBF (we're EFF DD), but have you considered supplementing with formula once in the evening, to help fill him up before bedtime? Unlike BM, it has the added benefit of allowing your DH to feed him once in a while so you can get some real sleep (unless you're pumping and storing, of course). I've heard some EBF moms will mix formula with BM for a night feed to get baby to sleep longer, but I'm not sure how that works. Just a thought if all else fails.

When I'm at my wit's end with DD's fussiness and crying, I'll plop her in the car and go for a drive. Once we hit the highway she's out in 5 minutes. Maybe try this once in a while - but not when you're dead tired.

Good luck! It doesn't last forever, and then when he's got his own kids you can regale him with horror stories of his own babyhood to let him know what he's in for.

ATLdesi · April 2013

Thanks for the continued vibes, and LOL about how I can one day regale DS with stories of his insane behavior as a baby I am totally going to try your forehead-stroking technique! I am also going to look into Colic Calm - sounds like a lot of people have been having good luck with it. Again, I don't really think his problems are stomach-related, but who knows??

I hear what you're saying about formula - and I totally am not dogmatic about EBF-ing forever if its not serving DS's interests. I guess I've been reluctant to try formula though b/c I don't see hunger/stomach issues as the root of his problem - rather, I see his issue as being an inability to relax/fall asleep during the day. Weirdly, just this morning, he was playing in his playmat like usual while I went to start a load of laundry - - I came back, and he had fallen asleep! Of course I left him right there on the playmat on the floor, even though the radio was on, the window was open letting sun in, etc. Whatever works, right?!

Folks had asked about babywearing. I confess that it took me awhile to try this out, but within the last 10 days or so I've been putting him in the Moby Wrap everyday around 5:30 or whenever the crying starts - and I just keep him in there for an hour or however long till he starts wanting to nurse again (still haven't gotten the hang of nursing in the Moby Wrap). It does seem to help - what will happen is, he'll scream and scream, I'll put him in the wrap, and then he'll have these phases that last a few minutes where he just goes sort of meditative - eyes closed, sucking his fingers, but not really making much noise - then once again, moments later, he'll let out a few screams, almost as if to say that he's trying to fall asleep, but doesn't know how to do it.

Anyway . . . I'm sorry to hear there are others in this same boat. But I guess its nice that we're all in it together, at least!

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vent: it isn't getting better :(

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