s/o -- Philosophy of Mother's Day?

Iblamethebeer · April 2013

This is a s/o from the mother's day plans poll, below.

My BFF's philosophy on Mother's day is that the women actively in the trenches of "mothering" should sort of get first dibs on the day. So if you, as a mother of 2 small children, want to spend the afternoon sitting on your porch with a glass of wine and a magazine, then you should do that and just send a card to your grandmother's retirement home and maybe plan brunch with your own parents the day before or the weekend afterwards.

In both my family and DH's family there seems to be more of a matriarch philosophy about mothers' day -- everyone is supposed to make sure the generations above them feel honored, and if that means that you as the mother of 2 small children get a couple hours to sleep in and a muffin in bed before packing up the car with various cards and gifts and heading off to an extended family meal where you watch the kids so your husband can help cook (or vice versa), followed by a stop at a retirement home or two, and make it home in time to get the kids dinner and into bed and pack the lunches for Monday morning, then you've had a good mothers' day.

I'm curious what the norm is in other families...

Maybride2 · April 2013

Mine is the same as your BFFs. We send cards/flowers to my mother/MIL, but my husband and kids celebrate me that day. We typically go out for a nice breakfast and spend the rest of the day doing what I want to do.

christinak22 · April 2013

I did what I wanted to last year (which was stuff all by myself and some special time with my kids) and all I heard about from my aunts for weeks was how upset my mom was. My mom was even upset when we didn't come over for father's day.

I decided we'll do one year on, one year off. This year, we'll be going to my mom's house and spending the day with extended family. I told this to my mom and she said, "Good, because I'm your mom and you should spend the day with me!" Next year, I'm gardening by myself and having a chill day with my own little family. She can suck it.

Brit's Luna154 · April 2013

Both my family and my H's family subscribe to the more matriarchal type of Mother's Day celebrations. My mom and MIL (and aunts, etc.) always kind of got ignored on Mother's Day in comparison to the big deal that everyone made for our grandmothers. Our families live very far away from us, so we have been in send a card and flowers mode for a long time, but if we were there it would be all about the oldest mother in each family.

Iblamethebeer · April 2013

christinak22:

I did what I wanted to last year (which was stuff all by myself and some special time with my kids) and all I heard about from my aunts for weeks was how upset my mom was. My mom was even upset when we didn't come over for father's day.

I decided we'll do one year on, one year off. This year, we'll be going to my mom's house and spending the day with extended family. I told this to my mom and she said, "Good, because I'm your mom and you should spend the day with me!" Next year, I'm gardening by myself and having a chill day with my own little family. She can suck it.

That sucks!

Neither my mom nor MIL is high-maintenance, and if anything I think that caused the "problem" -- they both always made a bigger deal out of their own mothers on mothers' day and didn't ask for a lot themselves, so that's what was modeled for DH and me.

I am selfish enough to feel wistful when I hear my friends' plans, but not selfish enough to skip/cancel the big family event.

thedash · April 2013

In DH's family it is very matriarchal. My day is literally spent the exact same as it was before we had kids. I guess the only difference is that DH will tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and some of his family members may also. But it's seriously an afterthought. Kind of like, "Oh, yeah this is technically Mother's Day for you too. Huh."

I think DH gave me a small gift on my first Mother's Day but he just handed it to me before we left to visit his family. Last year I honestly don't recall if he got me anything or not.

It makes me pretty sad but I tried to gently raise the issue a few times with DH and it was going nowhere. I carefully pick my battles and this is not a priority.

EastCoastBride · April 2013

I kind of wish the philosophy was your BFFs. I'm the newest mom and I feel like the day isn't about me, at all. And we had a HARD path to get where we are.

It's not super "matriarchal" either - but it's just that we host both sets of parents at our house. It would kind of be nice to have the day be a day that *I* want. But it's not. So... there it is.

2chatter · April 2013

Ours is in between, because I am OK with it not being ON the day. The kids cannot wait to give me some of the things they have made when they hit the door Friday. DH and the kids usually shop for me like it's a mini Christmas, and I usually get something on the Saturday (most often a new dress they have picked out to wear on the Sunday). Then they give me something else the next day (most often other clothing items or a massage and haircut GC).

On actual MD we do lunch with MIL and gifts for her (DH pays unless FIL pays to honor me). We do dinner with my mom and gifts for her (I cook).

Netty_3 · April 2013

I agree with your BFF. We don't live near our family...so they get cards or a gift and a phone call.

I always feel bad for my sister because her DB of a husband makes her go and visit his mom for Mother's Day, where he makes breakfast for his mom and sisters...and my sister is expected to help him...because somehow bearing 4 of his children doesn't warrant her getting breakfast made for her. And put on a happy face with people that are not the best to her. Grr.

azuremama · April 2013

Ours is more about my mom and hanging out with her. I think she would be super hurt if I didn't want to hang out that day, even though she makes noise about how it's my day too. But it's mostly okay with me. I did get mad last year when my sisters let my mom choose the whole menu and she picked a fruit pie for dessert, which I hate. I don't eat dessert that often, so I wanted something I liked! So silly.

jlaOK · April 2013

We've always done something special (breakfast, small gift, flowers, etc.) for immediate family and then a card for extended family. Since becomming a mother myself, both my mom and MIL expect less from us on mother's day and want DH and DS to focus on makng my mother's day special (which I really appreciate).

DS's birthday is always mother's day weekend, so both mom and MIL are happy to see him at his birthday party and we usually give them cards then.

*sparky* · April 2013

Netty_3:

I always feel bad for my sister because her DB of a husband makes her go and visit his mom for Mother's Day, where he makes breakfast for his mom and sisters...and my sister is expected to help him...because somehow bearing 4 of his children doesn't warrant her getting breakfast made for her. And put on a happy face with people that are not the best to her. Grr.

That would make me a very unhappy wife. I feel bad for her too!

skibunny59 · April 2013

For me it's just another opportunity to get together with my family (my parents, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). I come from a family where big family gatherings at all holidays are the norm so for me it would kind of be weird to have it just be DH, DD, and I on mother's day.

KathrynMD · April 2013

We are on the matriarchial train.

Both of my SILs have sort of decided that they take 1st priority on Mother's Day (which I sympanthesize with) but I also don't think any mother/grandmother should spend the day alone if its feasible for her children to see her that day.

I would love to spend Mothers Day at home or just w/a quiet day w/ DD & DH, but eh. .. I'd feel more guilty about my mother and MIL not seeing at least some of their children and grandchildren on that day. My sister and single and lives w/ my parents, but mostly they just want to see my DD anyway.

We normally do something for me the day before mother's day and then have mother's day w/ our mother's - same w/ Father's Day. I wish some of the other siblings would step it up and do something with their parents so we didn't feel like we have to see them all.

ASmallWonder · April 2013

We're kind of on neither train. "Parental days" just aren't a big deal to us. I don't have a good relationship with my mother so that's out and my MIL lives several hours away. Last year my SIL had a breakfast for her mom and sisters, me and my MIL. Honestly, I didn't want to spend my day that way but I went anyway but I think I'll decline if it comes up this year. The year before I told DH I wanted time along to clean out my closet lol We don't do gifts but this year since I'm pregnant (and for the last time) I told him I was getting myself a prenatal massage for Mother's Day :-p

littlestjerry · April 2013

I guess we're kind of both, with an emphasis on nobody really caring that much about the holiday at all.

My parents live far away, so they just get a card and my mom will send me a card probably.

But, with the in-laws, MIL will get my SILs and I something small, and we'll get her something small. I think we'll probably all get together for dinner, but I don't think they'd care if we said we were busy and couldn't come.

Fianschneid · April 2013

My family all gets together at the home of the matriarch to celebrate.

Luckily, DH and I live five hours away from the matriarch, so we send flowers and Mother's Day is mine.

itsmevkb · April 2013

Mother's Day is more about me now than it is about my mom or my MIL. My mom is a great mom but the vast majority of her work as a mom is done and like you said, I'm sort of in the trenches with four younger children. We used to do a big brunch but now my older sister takes my mom out for brunch which means I get to spend that day with just my dh and kids. It's nice.

kristennd · April 2013

My family has always been scattered across the country, so there are no big deal gathering events.

DH's family has stayed in the same place for generations and is very much all about the oldest generation in everything. But we're two time zones away so it doesn't effect us. (He's the only one to move away.)

We have a different challenge in my family really. Both my mother and I were born in early May, so sometimes Mother's Day is on either my birthday or hers. And to compound things, LO's due date was my birthday AND it was Mother's Day that year. (He came early.) So that's a lot to balance all at once, and things get diluted.

jf198400 · April 2013

We are kind of a mix of both philosophies, with noone really making a big deal about it. When I was growing up we would usually go visit one of my grandmas (we traded Easter and Mothers day between the 2 of them). Now I usually see my mom sometime around Mothers Day (I see her pretty much every week anyways) and its not a big deal. My brother still lives at home, and he goes with my parents to visit my Grandma.

DH will usually make me a nice Mother's Day brunch at home. I'd love to go out for breakfast, but the kids are too young, its too stressful. Then we go to his parents house, down the street from us, for dinner and his dad cooks. They are really nice about recognizing that I am a mom too and usually get me a small present.

Kissty · April 2013

Well, each year we send flowers to my mom, MIL & GIL. Last year I was pregnant on Mother's Day and my MIL sent me flowers. It was very sweet. We'll send flowers again this year as it has become the tradition that each year they get a beautiful bouquet. I told DH not to worry about getting me a present, wait until DS was old enough to understand what the day was and to let him pick out/make the present.

Strunella · April 2013

Our families are both local, so it gets a little complicated as to who we're going to spend Mother's Day with. We've had everyone over here, but then I had to clean/prepare/cook, so it wasn't really a day off for me. DH will do whatever I want, so on my first Mother's Day we spent the day with DS and that was it. Sometimes, I'll take my mom out to lunch on another day.

This year, we will be out of town on Mother's Day, so it will be just the three of us again.

I get the idea of wanting to celebrate Mother's Day as a "guest of honor" now that we are moms. But my friend said something that really stuck with me: "Our mothers aren't going to be around as long as we are, so it's important to still celebrate them." And I kind of agree with that.

SunAndRain · April 2013

Funny. I just ordered 5 premium growers choice bouquets from proflowers.com for mom, MIL, step-MIL, and DH's two grandmothers. Mother's Day = done. None live in town, though step-MIL and FIL visit frequently.

I think I've already set myself up for too-high expecetations for my first mother's day. I'm just hoping DH doesn't ask if he can go off and do one his projects, meet up with friends, etc. If he doesn't at least try to make the day special I'll just know I'll feel hurt.

groovygrl · April 2013

MH kind of sucks at these types of holidays in general both for me (& for his mom) so on his side it is ehhhh, whatever. I'm on mother's day #3 this year and after 2 yrs of disappointment and 2 days before being asked what I want to do & to make reservations for brunch somewhere myself, I have zero expectations for anything this year except a craft from my kids from preschool LOL. He is not close to his mom and his family doesn't do gifts or anything like that though I think one of his sisters probably includes his parents in whatever they're doing that day... (we don't live near them).

We don't live near either set of parents so it is not a difficult situation but if I did live near my mom I would definitely do something for/with her that day & we'd probably do a 50/50 type day, or maybe something w/ her on Saturday & at home Sunday or something. Thankfully this year my bro invited her to visit him (she's widowed so on her own that day otherwise). I always try to get her something fun/special as a gift though & will maybe have something sent to my bro's for her this year.

Growing up in my family it was about my mom as far as I can remember but we may have seen grandmothers too, I can't really remember. It was not a huge deal but definitely acknowledged.

For those whose mom/MIL really wants to do something on the actual day why not ask your SO if 'your' mother's day can be on Saturday to do whatever it is you want to do (day alone, spa, family brunch, whatever)?

h2babe · April 2013

mbenit4:
I feel like Mother's Day is for me. So if I feel like doing a spa day or don't bother me day then I will. If I feel like visitng other people then I will.

I feel no obligation to pack my kids up and travel anywhere. We do all holidays at home in our house. Even before we had children. I feel more families to need stay home and let the people with no children travel to them. It is way easier. It isn't a big drama in my family I just let them know they are more than welcome to come this way. We will not be going your way.

I switched to this once I had my daughter; and oh boy, I got a lot of push back from my husbands family. His father started calling and sending nasty letters about us not visiting or making a big deal out of it. Oh well.

cchill01 · April 2013

I'm with your BFF. The day is mine. Grandmoms get token picture frames, flowers and a card.

We really ticked off DH's father who thought that Father's Day was still his. But, I I don't care.

lily_721 · April 2013

We send gifts and cards to the moms, stepmom, and grandmother.

My mom insists that we spend the whole day with her. This doesn't involve actually doing anything -- just being there. This is not very fun for SSs or DH, nor is it very time efficient for our busy family.

Last year, we didn't go. I had just had an IF procedure and wasn't doing well. This year, SS2 invited me to a mother's day brunch. We are going to that.

I am already getting flack from my family about not going to see my mom. I keep saying: I have a family too and they are important as well.

RachieTK · April 2013

I've somehow been sandbagged into hosting Mother's Day... And father's day too.

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