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One & Done: Only child
aeh72
member
Compelling reason for more than one?
aeh72
member
There are lots of posts on here about people hearing the standard "oh, your child will be lonely without a sibling" or "don't you want your child to have someone else to help shoulder the burden of caring of you when you're older" arguments for having more than one child. And, not to mention the post about someone saying to a friend, what if your child died and you don't have another one (I just can't wrap my brain around anyone suggesting such a thing to someone!). But, I'm wondering if anyone has heard a reason that actually seemed to them like a compelling reason to have more than one child. Basically, even if you are are settled in your decision to only have one child, it makes you say, "Okay, I get that. Still only having one, but I get that argument." No real meaning or motive behind this question - I'm just curious.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Compelling reason for more than one?
This is only a half-serious answer.
The show Brothers and Sisters. Every time I watch that show I think about how cool it would be to have a big family; HOWEVER, when I think that, I'm thinking about the happy episodes and forgetting that this family seems to have millions of dollars, etc.
The idea of "giving" DS a sibling is compelling to me. While I FIRMLY believe that this doesn't give any guarentee's (I've lived it myself!) - at the same time, I'd just hope that DS would grow up to have a good relationship w/ a brother or sister.
It's not about him being lonely now or needing a playmate. It's more that we have a really small family. I really do worry about when DH and I are no longer here. DHs extended family is big- but they are all over the country.
I really just pray that DS ends up meeting and making good friends throughout his life that do become "like family" to him.
I feel that a sibling would just give him that one slightly better chance at having "that person" in his life.
But as that isn't going to happen - we're just trying hard to create a life where he knows his extended family well enough that he does feel that they are family, and I want to create as many opportunities as I can for him to make good friends.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Definitely. There are many men and women out there that just have a strong internal desire to have more children. They feel that their family isn't complete. I get that. Our neighbor just had their 3rd. They're willing to sacrifice wherever necessary to have the number of children that they want. Their priorities are different than ours. Not better/worse, just different.
I "get" all of those. And maybe they are not arguments so they don't really answer your question. But each family unit is so different and what is right for the personalities of the parents is equally different. I understand all sides, and then I recognize that 1&D is what fits our family.
MMC 3.30.16
The elder care argument is the one that always gets me. I hate to put all of that on DD and to leave her alone when DH and I pass.
Of course, when I use logic and reason, I understand that a sibling wouldn't necessarily offer her any comfort or help in those situations. Guilt-feeling mom feels guilt, basically.
Burned by the Bear
I've heard plenty of reasons that totally make sense for other people, yes. I don't look down on multiples, or think it should be an argument.
Some people like hanging out in larger groups, for example. Regardless of age. So the more people in the household the merrier.
Eh.
The ONLY thing that ever makes me go "hmmm.." is that my daughter will never be an aunt. She'll never have a niece or nephew.
But even having siblings doesn't guarantee that THEY will have a child to make her an aunt, so even that isn't valid. But in the beginning (when we were deciding) I was like "eh, I'm kinda making that choice for her, and that sucks for her just a teeeeeny bit". It never impacted our decision at ALL, but I thought of it. For one day.
If her future spouse has siblings, your DD can still be an aunt. Not to mention, some my DD's favorite "aunties" are my cousin and another cousin's wife. There are still plenty of ways for her to be special to the children in her life.
Burned by the Bear
I hear this argument too, but I can tell you first hand from losing my dad a few months ago, having a sister did nothing to ease the situation.
I don't really have one.
Part of the reason we are undecided is because my family is super close and my sisters are my best friends. I want that for my son. My friends have come and gone through the years, but my relationship with my sisters has always been solid.
However, I realize that having a sibling does not mean you will have a built in best friend. My family is very close but that is not the norm. I know plenty of people that don't get along with their siblings at all.
I always pause at that one, too. My mom is an only and hates that she bears the entire burden of taking care of her parents.
However, my dad has 3 siblings and he still is the primary caretaker of his mother. His brothers don't even visit, and his sister has very little to do with financial/health/other important decisions.
I am an only, so pretty much any argument I hear I am able to "combat" with my own experience.
You can grow up alone and not be lonely as you learn to fill your time and stay busy in more creative ways, you most likely will have a partner that will share in the care of your parents as they age and even if you don't, for me, I would prefer to be the sole or primary caretaker of my parents (control freak, lol), your siblings can be awesome friends, but most people still call a friend outside of the family when something happens to talk to before their sibling. I have many friends that call me before their sisters, for example. Having a best friend sibling sounds awesome, but if you don't grow up with one, you don't really feel you are missing anything because you substitute that person with close friendships, love partners, and your parents. I am an only and an aunt to two awesome nephews due to my DH having a sister.
I am SUPER biased to the one child family, so if anyone has more specific questions what it is like, let me know!
having a sibling is a big reason for me. My husband grew up an only child essentially (his sister is 12 years older) and he says it was lonely, even though he was outgoing and had plenty of friends.
I also agree with the elder care argument. I am one of three girls, but my husband is in the military, so we will never live near my parents. What if I was an only child and they needed me?
DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d
Thanks everyone for your responses! For me, having a sibling to share a close bond with and to help care for parents when they are older are compelling reasons to me - but I recognize I come at that view with rose colored glasses that any sibling my son would have would be that person for him in his life. In our own family unit, I do share that kind of bond with my brother but my husband does not share that bond with either of his sisters and would argue that they (like some of you have said) actually make things more difficult when making family-related decisions.
I also totally get the "our family doesn't feel complete" reason. I would never judge anyone (okay, maybe I judge The Duggers a little bit!) for having an internal feeling of what they want for their family. Same way I don't judge those who know innately that one child completes their family.
As someone who is likely one and done but that wasn't necessarily the vision I had growing up for the type of family I would have as an adult, I've found this board to be really interesting and helpful as I'm coming to terms with what our family will be. So, thanks again! :-)
The only reason I can think of is to get to go through the toddler years again. It's so much fun and he is so freaking cute. I would love to do this part all over again. So I can see having another if the spacing was 4-5 years and you could really enjoy a 2 year old again.
But cramming them in as close together and refereeing fights for 15 years has absolutely no appeal for me.
If my daughter wants a big family, she can marry into one OR have one herself! Not having a sibling doesn't stop her from having a big family.
I'm sure there will be times she is lonely growing up, but I had two sisters and a brother and I was SO lonely, so much. And we were all close in age. My bro is 37, my sister is 35, I'm 33, and my little sis is 32. My parents couldn't have done more to try to provide a live in playmate if they had tried!! Lol. Sure, we had fun at times, but there was a lot of fighting and we literally had zero friends in common.
Every guilty reason that floats to the surface, and tells me I should have another, is countered by reality.
ETA: also, having three siblings I can attest to the truth that many parents cannot really spread themselves around equally. I love my parents, but both my dad and stepmom, who I lived with, worked full time and I did not get the attention I craved. They did the best they could, but I needed more.
That's a challenge for us too. My DH hated being an only child and always felt lonely, even with many neighborhood friends, so the fact that plenty of other people handled it fine is only an alternative, not a guarantee.
Disclaimer: I don't have kids yet.... but I have thought about this a lot.
My husband feels that he would enjoy having only one child. He isn't up for discussing having more than one before we have the first because he says that doesn't make sense. We don't know what it will be like to have 1, let alone 3 (like I want). I would also very much like to adopt from foster care.
I had a rough childhood. Two divorced parents who both had extreme drug/alcohol abuse issues. However, I have an amazing extended family and was always taken care of. Both sets of my grandparents had 4 kids. Lots of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I have one sister who is 2 years older than I am. We never got along. Two people could not be more different in world views and interest than we are... we literally hated each other most of our childhoods. But now in our 20s and after the death of our father? She is one of my best friends. We spent an hour and a half on the phone last night just chatting about everything under the sun. I can't imagine life right now if I had been an only child... there is something so incredibly special about having someone to grow up with that will share your experiences. I don't have to tell her about my past, she knows. She was there. Even in a loving, picture perfect family I know there would be an immense amount of comfort knowing that at least one other person on the whole earth "gets" where you are coming from. Yeah, cousins and friends can fill that gap but it really is just not the same. And when a parent dies, I imagine it would be incredible lonely for an only child regardless of rather the other parent were still around or not.
I'm not passing judgement on people who chose to just raise one great child. I think only children can be very well adjusted and wonderful, and I think the bond with the parents is even stronger. This is just my experience and I expect myself to have more than one child because of it.
I see how all of my aunts and uncles interact and what a beautiful full family we have because people decided to have more than one kid. You could totally still have that if you have siblings who had children, etc. but obviously someone has to have more than one child for the aunt, uncles, cousins, siblings big family to come about. That isn't right for everyone but when I am out running in the yard playing a big game of family football on thanksgiving, I sure am thankful that my grandmother had 4 boys, who all had 2 or more children. I see my cousins all laughing with their siblings, wheelbarrow races, and comraderie. Family is the reason I want more than one child.
I have a sibling. The lonely argument is not compelling to me. We are 5 years apart and different genders. We might as well as have been raised in separate families for all we had/have in common. We did not play together. It was not a joyful experience. If we interacted, we fought, or he purposefully broke my things, ruined my playdates, twice he intentionally slammed my fingers in the car door. Yea, fun times. Plus, his hobbies that my parents indulged were REALLY expensive and they never made him stick with them. One year they signed him up for some long term karate thing to the tune of $4k. He gave up after less than a year and I distinctly remember overhearing my parents saying we couldn't go on vacation that year because of the cost of his karate. And then, as soon as I turned 11 I was his after school babysitter until my parents got home from work. The built in babysitter every weekend when my parents went out all the way until I left for college...do the math, I was still babysitting a 13 year old because they didn't trust him for a minute. Talk about resentment on my part. Like I chose for them to have another kid so I would get stuck taking care of it? No thanks.
Elder care. Not compelling to me. I have watched both my mother and father confront this with their siblings. For my mom, neither of her brothers helped. At all. For my dad, his sister SUED HIM so that she would be the POA instead of him and then drained all my grandma's money. As a result, my grandma had to move to a less than stellar facility, share a room with a rotating host of roommates that die every few months, and my dad covers all of her clothing, personal product, etc needs. Yay for siblings!
Being an aunt/uncle. Meh. I'm an aunt because my H's brother has a kid. I sincerely doubt my brother will ever have a kid because he has it in our head that his childhood was so terrible and he was so oppressed (give me a break) that he would never want to inflict that on a future generation. Doesn't make me any less of an aunt just because I'm not blood-related.
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cb8c4.aspx[/img][/url]
I thought about it after reading all of the other posts. I guess reasons to have one or more children is so dependent on the individual family structure and what you feel up for.
My husband and I both adore children and the chaos that comes from having many kids around. I have a feeling in my gut that I am supposed to mother more than one child, rather through foster care, adoption, or biologically having kids. That's a personal decision and I totally get why there are people who don't want any children, want 10 kids, or are done after one awesome child.
I also get that siblings don't always make things better. This is a family thing. I have seen all of my life how my aunts and uncles have pulled together when needed for their parents. I have also had to do this in my early 20s with my own sister when my dad died from a stroke. My dad wished to be "do not resuscitate" and I can not possibly imagine being the only "next of kin" to be able to make that decision for him. Most people won't go through that situation though.
My parents are both only children and then they had my sister and I who have in turn both had only one. We have a VERY small family (it's just my parents, my sis, me, my husband and the 2 kids). It was odd growing up and having no aunts/uncles but I don't feel like I missed out on anything because I didn't have it. I wouldn't say that either of my parents had great friends that were like aunts/uncles. I take that back, until I was about 8 or 9 they did. They are both very well adjusted adults.
Sure it was tough when their parents died, but it was easy that they got to make all the decisions. Plus they had each other to help them through it. Hopefully, when the time comes, my son will have a supportive wife and a family so he won't feel lonely in this world. I don't think having a sibling lessens the pain of losing a parent.
I love my sister and she's my best friend and I often think about that for both my niece and my son. There are times I wish we had the same sex children so they could have a relationship like us, but then I see so many brother/sisters that are super close and so many sisters or brothers that aren't. Our kids are 2.5 years apart and are basically being raised like siblings so I hope they get the best of both worlds. They have 3 "parents" that love them like no other (my sis is a single mom). If you ask my niece (she's 4 in September) she'll often tell you she has 2 mommies ... mommy and Auntie.
In our circle, a lot of us waited until 35+ to have our babies or struggled to get pregnant so we're OAD. I seriously think I have more OAD friends than friends with multiple children. So I know we're in great company, we all talk about it and share experiences and know our OAD kids will all have each other (hopefully for life but if not, they will grow up knowing that being an "only" is normal).
So maybe our situation is unique, but the only reason I want my son to have a sibling is so he can have a relationship like I do with my sister but I truly hope he has that in his cousin.
Our Journey to Brenden
IVF #1: 4/11(Follistim/Menopur/Ganirelix) 10 retrieved/8 mature and all 8 fertilized / 2 embies transferred ... nothing to freeze Beta 5/10 = BFN
IVF Take 2 Long Lupron July 2011
ER 7/3/11 (our 6th anniversary) - 8 retrieved/7 mature/fert ....ET 7/6/11 - 2 beautiful grade A 8 cell embryos
Beta 7/18/11 - 149!!! Beta 7/21/11 - 311 Beta 7/28/11 - 2,000 8/5/11 - Empty Sac 8/8/11 - There's a yolk sac and maybe a heartbeat 8/12/11 - Fetal pole, yolk sac, heartbeat 8/18/11 - Baby looks GREAT!
3 babies waiting on ice
Here's what makes me debate; I am an only child. I grew up loving the fact that I am an only child. and I know I was afforded more opportunity from my parents because they only had one. and that's the main reason why I will only have one.
However, the only thing that I feel like I missed out by being an only child is the sibling who becomes your "friend" when you get older. It's that person you know who will always have your back and who will always be there for you. However, I was lucky enough to find that person in my husband and now my sister in law. but as an only child, that is the compelling reason that at times make me question my decision.
No one has tried to convince me to have more than one yet (but they also don't know we are thinking of only having one). But the things that get me thinking are more of once she becomes an adult.
Most of them are silly and have to do with guilt. Maybe they are a reflection of the guilt I feel as an adult living far from my family, and not having them here to see my daughter growing up.
Holidays- If she grows up and has a spouse she may need to spend holidays with the spouses family from time to time and we are left alone for holidays. Or she will feel like she always needs to come home for holidays even if she does not want to because we have no one else.
What if she decides to move far away? If she feels the guilt that I do for living far from her family will she feel it even more because she will have no siblings to share the guilt with? At least my parents have my brother nearby to visit.