Community› The Bump Message Boards› Pregnant after a Loss
Pregnant after a Loss
New Discussion

Well-intentioned, but a little thoughtless

tara&peanuttara&peanut
in Pregnant after a Loss

We told two of the couples we're closest to that we're expecting again. It's funny because it's not actually the relief I was expecting. They're all so excited for us and have told us that several times... which is great... but I'm definitely not excited yet and I'm not sure I will be until we have a heartbeat and an ultrasound that says everything's okay. Maybe not even after that. I was trying to explain my feelings to DH after we told our friends. "It still doesn't feel real," I told him. "It feels like we're still, like..." I couldn't think of what I meant.

"On pregnancy probation?"

"Yes, that's exactly it." 

Just waiting to see if we'll check out this time.

I was visiting with one of these friends when I started bleeding with my last pregnancy and she said that it was probably nothing, that she bled with her third baby. It wasn't encouraging at the time?I was pretty sure I knew what was happening?and their excitement is that same kind of thing. It's positive words without acknowledging what I'm actually feeling. "I know you're feeling scared, but I just want you to know that I'm excited for you. Call me anytime you want to talk, okay?" is a lot more helpful than just, "I'm so excited for you!" repeated many times over. I'm glad they're excited, I really am. But I probably won't call them when I'm feeling anxious or nervous. The probable, "Oh, I'm sure everything's fine! Don't worry about it!" that would come of me confessing my regular fears, the complete lack of understanding of how frightening this is, the simplistic, "It's unlikely to happen again", etc... are all deeply discouraging. The above stuff is only encouraging if the actual emotions I'm feeling are first acknowledged. When what I'm feeling is disregarded or ignored, then it makes all of the other stuff that's being said, no matter how positive or well-intentioned, very, very discouraging.

This post wound up being longer and more vent-y than I thought it would be. I think I'm just feeling a little hurt by the well-intentioned, but misguided words from my friends. I'm not the only one, right?

Report Reply to Post

Re: Well-intentioned, but a little thoughtless

  • OttersBiteOttersBite

    I'm sorry hun, I know it's frustrating when people don't say the 'right' things.  You know, I always try to look at the intentions behind the words and not the words themselves if that makes sense.  It's been my experience that most peo

    TTC since June 2011
    BFP #1 11/18/11 - m/c 12/24/11 blighted ovum - EDD 08/01/12
    BFP #2 08/04/12 - m/c 08/29/12 no answers - EDD 04/17/13
    BFP #3 10/01/12 - m/c 10/30/12 uniparental disomy - EDD 06/04/13
    BFP #4 04/12/13 - EDD 12/22/13  It's a GIRL!
    compound heterozygous MTHFR   -   All AL Welcome

    image   image
          image
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • bobbydsgirlbobbydsgirl member
    I have been having the same experience - well-intentioned but thoughtless (or clueless) supporters. My mom has said "please remember to take it easy" and my best friend has said "just think positive, you'd be amazed at the good it can bring" - as if doing
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • tara&peanuttara&peanut
    Thanks ladies, you're right. Their hearts are in the right place, even if they don't totally understand. I definitely did have high expectations of that conversation, but I don't think I realized I did until after it was over. I will attempt to lower thos
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"