Any have their Moms involved?

danafromslope · April 2013

I am 44 and lucky enough to have my Mom still around--she is 78 and a little spitfire! She wants to help when my twins come in May (I'm a FTM) and I told her she could but now I am getting worried. She keeps giving me advice that I know may have been the norm 45 years ago when she was having me but no longer stands true, re: babies sleeping on their stomachs, giving babies under 6 months bottles of water, going to the hospital as soon as you have any type of contraction...When I tell her I appreciate the advice but it is no longer the advice my OB/Pediatrician recommends, she goes into a tailspin saying I shouldnt be listening to the doctors and that she is a mother and women have been doing things her way for hundreds of years, blah, blah,blah....

Anybody else having Mom issues? How do I not insult her and make her feel like an involved new grandma but keep her from disobeying what we want because she thinks she knows better?

shari1501 · April 2013

First of all, I think it's great that you and your mom are able to share this experience together. I've been in your shoes, though I was much younger than you and I are now (I'm 39), so I think my mom felt as though it was her duty at the time. This time around, however, she isn't getting too involved - at least not so far - and, for us anyway, it seems more comfortable this way.

As far as helping your mom understand how things have changed in the past 45 years, some hospitals offers grandparents' classes. Similar to the "new sibling" classes, they help grandmas- and grandpas-to-be prepare for a new little one in the family. I would definitely check to see if your local hospital offers these kinds of classes. Maybe you could make a day of it together and have breakfast or dinner out, too. Smile

danafromslope · April 2013

I mentioned grandparent classes to her, couched it as a refresher course, the same way folks take childbirth classes even though they have kids and she balked at the idea, saying she doesn't ned lessons on how to raise a baby....sigh...

danieleandwayne · April 2013

My mom is very much an expert on everything. I hear your pain.

I would suggest that the next time your mother suggests that women have been "raising children like she did for hundreds of years" I think you could call her on that. They have NOT been raising kids the same way for hundreds of years. Did your mother use a wet nurse? Did she dress her boys in gowns until they were 7 years old, when they went into "small pants?" Did she cloth diaper and boil the diapers in a pot on her stove? Did she use pain meds during her births because those have changed considerably-- I'm pretty sure she didn't ether (older school) or Nubain (new school).

If she doesn't get that, then I'd maybe sit down with her and say that medicine in all areas has changed, including child-raising and that while you'd love to have her involved, her inability to recognize the EVIDENCE-BASED PRACTICE changes is making you uncomfortable about having her take such an active role in the baby's care when it arrives. I would then encourage her to take a grandparent class again and/or hand her some information from the pediatrician's office...

When it comes to this baby, you are its first and last defense. You absolutely have the role of putting your foot down and protecting that baby from anyone who wants to go "old school" with your baby. For me, that would important enough to take on my mom even if it will prove uncomfortable.

Good luck!

Abeille · April 2013

I had issues with both my mom and MIL. In the end it was impossible to avoid hurt feelings. DH and I just made it clear that we were the parents and these were our choices to make. With my mom I also had to let her know she wouldn't be watching the baby alone if she didn't respect our wishes regarding how she was fed and put to sleep. With both my FIL and MIL it's proper car seat usage that we have to reinforce with them still. Eventually the hard feelings subsided...it's an adjustment for everyone even the new grandparents.

Carnation77 · April 2013

I've been talking to my mom about what I'm reading and how I'm getting ready for the baby and telling her about all the studies and new research I've been reading in new areas, acting surprised as I give her the information. Then she has a chance to think about it and respond. I'm not sure if your mom would be open to that, but maybe it's an approach you could try. If you act like you're starting from her point of view, but perhaps being swayed by new information, you'll seem less confrontational to her and more like you're both going through this change in viewpoint together.

TX-Bride · April 2013

I am looking forward to have my mom here with us, I know there will be moments that we would disagree, don't get me wrong. I am 37 and my mom is 62, she is a highly educated retired university professor and honestly, I trust her judgement over a lot of misleading information that is out there on internet (there are too many authors who are not really qualified to give medical advice, but were able to find publishers to sell their books!). An example, I was telling her about swaddling and how it has made a come back, she made me read more about it, because she remembered the campaign against swaddling (dangers of hip dysplasia) and if you dig in more, you will see that the dr's are getting concerned again. She also made me rethink not getting a stroller with a bassinet option and directed me to many studies that shows that use of carseat and adaptors on strollers are bad for your baby's posture. So do not discount what she says, just because she is from a generation before you.

msbri1 · April 2013

Lucky for me, my mom is a young 61, but my MIL is 80 and lately her arm has been spontaneously giving out on her. I told DH she can not hold the baby unless she is sitting down and I'm afraid to leave her overnight. DH did talk to his mom and she knows she has good days and bad days so I don't think her feelings will be hurt. My mom is always giving me advice, I respectfully take it and then I do what my doctor says. She got really upset the one time I told her I wasn't going to take glucausomine because I did a google search and found there weren't enough test to say if it was safe for baby. So now, I just say ok and move on. It keeps both of us happy.

excited16 · April 2013

i'm lucky to have both my parents involved which is a huge help. My mom is 65 and is totally willing to follow my advice. My dad is a young 80 but I still worry about him carrying the baby down the stairs etc. They took my nephews on road trips when they were younger (now in 20s) but I would hesitate to let them do the same with my kids. My dad driving scares me a bit, even though he claims he is a safer driver than most people and has never been in an accident (true..but still).

I do like to hear my mom's stories of the no car seat days - she would drive with me resting on the front seat, with a hand on me so I didn't roll off. I think she understands that lots of things today are safer!

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