Military Families
? He totally flipped out on me
DH got home tonight after being at a range for 3 days. I was super excited for him to come home. I have been alone with DD for he past three days and I was really looking foreword to a little bit of help... And a shower. He gets home at 7 and I wanted to spend time with him so I ordered Chinese so I dicing have to cook and everything was fine. I got my shower and had to do the dishes real quick before feeding DD. I leave her with him for 10 min and then I hear him stomping out of the livin room and went outside... I asked him what was going on an he said that he couldn't watch her right now. Granted, DD is teething and is much fussier these days, but I know this I have been alone with no help or outlet for 3 days and nights, not to mention every other day for the last 5 months... Plus, she's really not that bad. Anyway, so I get ticked and explain to him that I just needed his help for a few more minutes so I can wash her bottles before she gets really fussy. And he storms into the bedroom slamming doors behind him. I put the baby in her bouncer an go after him. We argue a bit and I'm asking him what the deal is. And then he says tells me, "I can't deal with y'all right now, I need a break." I'm thinking, a break from what? You have been here for 2 hours... Then he continues to say that I shouldn't need his help because I quote, sit around all day and all I do is take care of Sarah, end quote. Omg are you effing kidding me? Yea, I watch her, and clean the house, pump every three hours, pay all the bills, run all the errands and do all the chores, all with a big smile on my face. He specifically said that he didn't want me to work after DD got here. He says that he just wanted to sit down, but when I talked to him earlier he said that they hadn't done anything at all and that he was super bored... I WISH I COULD BE BORED. Bored? What is that?? And then he locked himself in the bedroom leaving me to clean up the kitchen, feed the baby, pump and put her to bed, thanks a ton. All I wanted was a few minutes of help.
Sorry... That was long.
VENT
Sorry... That was long.
VENT
This discussion has been closed.
Re: ? He totally flipped out on me
CJ 05/29/2013
Yup. I totally agree. I will say though, even though he wasn't gone long, it is an adjustment for him. Coming back from the range and then being thrust back into parenting can be overwhelming, especially if he hasn't eaten right or slept much in the past three days. If this is out of character for him, I'd just blame it on stress and let it go. If this is normal behavior, you both need to get into counseling. It's not fair to you. Yes, you stay at home, but you also work 24/7. I think guys sometimes don't understand how much work taking care of a baby and a household really is.
I totally agree that you need some time for yourself. If you don't like the idea of placing your child into a center (CDC), get a list of names from CYSS for local Family Child Care (FCC) providers. They are providers who provide care in their homes, so they have a smaller group of kids, more one on one time, and more flexible hours. They are licensed, certified, and inspected regularly. They have the same rates as the centers, so hourly care is only $4/hr.
None of this would fly with me. I stay home with the kids and do most of the housework, but I am not my DH's maid, mother, or servant in general. When he's home, he has to do his fair share. He's a parent too.
Yes! Counseling ASAP!
I will also add that you need to learn how to talk to each other. It's not just on him. You BOTH are having issues that you BOTH need to figure out. You seem to have a lot of resentment issues and he's picking up on those as well as what ever else he's dealing with. You really should have let the argument go for a while when he walked away. When some one is so upset that they walk away, let them cool off for a bit. Don't follow them and continue it.
Get some help for you both quickly before this escalates into something worse. Find a friend who can help you with the baby every now and then. There is absolutely no reason for you to be hold up in your house for days on end.
LIke BLT said, if he won't go to counseling with you, go on your own.
I disagree with the above posts. You need to give him a few hours (possibly overnight) to decompress after he comes out of the field. You don't know if he's been eating/sleeping/resting/getting enough water. When someone's physically depleted they're not much use. I know it's very hard to be alone with a baby and all the household responsibilities, but what he's been doing for the past three days may have been more stressful and exhausting than what you've been doing (you don't know if you don't ask).
My advice is to wait till you're both calm then sit down and talk, in a nonjudgmental way, about how you were each feeling and what you would each like to get from the other in this type of situation in the future. If you find it too overwhelming to be home alone for an extended period of time caring for your child, perhaps you can look into getting some babysitter help for a few hours each day the next time he's gone. Good luck!
CJ 05/29/2013
I agree with everyone else. My biggest advice is both of you need to avoid feeling entitled. Your husband feels like since he "provides" for the family he deserves time alone. Since you are home with the baby all day you feel you deserve his help right away. I am not saying this to be rude I understand 100% where you are coming from. My husband has been gone a year and I felt a lot of resentment that I have been caring for my DD by myself and DH talks about getting back to civilization and tv and relaxing.
I am huge on setting expectations and trying to communicate those early on. If you know he has a hard time coming back from the field plan for a 1-2 hr window from when he gets home and you and your DD go to the mall to walk or park or something to let him decompress before you are all together again. Then give yourself a scheduled few hours off every week when he is home to relax by yourself.
agreed.
Trust me, I completely know how much work taking care of a baby is, but why did you not get a shower in 3 days? Also, did you not get out at all? When mine were that age I would either shower while they slept, or I had a bouncy chair and/or pack n play in my bathroom so I could shower with my kids right there. I got a daily shower, without fail.
Do you want to stay at home? Or, is that what your husband wants? If you want a career now, then go for it. If not, then don't blame your husband that you stay home.
My hubby flips out like this from time to time. The worst flip out he had he said he didn't know if he loved me anymore. We went to counseling and figured out that when he's stressed out he lashes out to make others as stressed as he is. He's been working on it and has done better, but there are times when he comes home and locks himself in the bathroom or bedroom and it's IRRITATING. Try talking to him once he's calmed down a little bit and see if there is an actual reason behind it. My hubby wanted me to be a stay at home mom once we moved here and I have. He has told people that all I do all day is sit on my butt and watch TV, but he knows better than that and so do the people he's told. Guys are annoying and can be downright mean sometimes. Counseling might help you out, but unless he realizes that he did wrong and is willing to work on changing that and not repeating the behavior it won't do you much good.
Hopefully he's just stressed and once he gets some sleep or something he will be better.