Intro and question for Surrogates (Long)

jessacrea · April 2013

I have lurked on the Bump since getting pregnant with my DD Sept 09, posting very infrequently because I prefer to interject only when I feel like I have something relevant to say. However, there's not really anyone else in my life that I can talk to about this issue and so here I am. A little about me: My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married almost 11. I have two children a daughter (06/2010), and a son (02/12).

My husband's sister has been unable to have children (been through IUI, IVF, etc) of her own and they recently completed home study for adoption. However, her husband really has his heart set on having a genetically related child. He recently approached my husband asking if we would consider being a surrogate for them.

I had two really uneventful pregnancies (no morning sickness, no high risk issues) had no trouble getting pregnant with either child (the first one was the first cycle after I stopped BC after having been on it for over a decade. The second was an ooops, I got pregnant the first time I ovulated after breastfeeding for over a year) but I had really difficult deliveries - the first was after a 32 hour labor, the second involved a child with 15 inch shoulders, a fourth+ degree tear and other unpleasantness. My OB said if I ever had another child (which I would otherwise not be considering, we have our perfect family) I would be facing a C-section.

I had been casually thinking about asking my sister in law if she would like for me to be a gestational carrier for her after I had my daughter (before I realized I was pregnant with my son) but I never said anything to her. But I realize the topic of infertility is very sensitive, and I didn't want to be in her face about how easily I get pregnant when it's so incredibly difficult for her, so I said nothing.

My husband and I talked at length about my brother-in-law's request and have decided that this is something we want to do for them and are planning on telling them in a meeting on Monday (we all live in the same town, but our schedules are really hectic this week).

I have no qualms whatsoever about being a gestational carrier for their embryo (I have not talked with them over whether they can use her eggs or whether they need a donor egg - this is one of the issues we will address on Monday) but I am concerned about how I would feel about Traditional Surrogacy. I have not done enough soul searching to determine how I feel about being pregnant with a child that was genetically mine and constantly being around that child (my niece or nephew) while not parenting them.

On the one hand I am not using my eggs and they are just going to waste, I don't want any more children of my own, and they may need an egg donor. On the other hand it would almost be like having a child with my brother-in-law, which might be a little weird.

I realize this is long, and I apologize, but for other surrogates, how did you come to decide whether you would be willing to gestational carrier vs. traditional surrogacy?

LittleLady77 · April 2013

First of all, you are amazing for even considering this. Honestly, infertility is incredibly painful and the amount of joy you will bring to them will be amazing.

I can understand your concern about using your own eggs. I just met with a donor agency and we discussed using the eggs of a family member and they did confirm that it can be a very tricky thing. They said most psychologists recommend avoiding it outside of very specific situations. I myself need donor eggs and I have come to the conclusion I could never use the egg of someone I know.

Ultimately you need to decide what's right for you and your family. Good luck.

angelfire02 · April 2013

I don't have any advice on the surrogacy side, but I just wanted to let you know that you are amazing, I wish I had someone in my life that would offer to do this for us, no one who has a uterus can understand my daily pain of not being able to have another baby, but talking about it for me, makes it better then pretending that I am no different in that respect. And if someone was offering to be a surrogate for us, there aren't words for the gratitude I would have for them. Good luck!!

jessacrea · April 2013

Thank you both. I don't feel particularly amazing or like doing this would be all that special. I just really want my sister-in-law to experience parenting, both the incredibly-amazing-wouldn't-trade-it-for-the-world times and the these-kids-are-driving-me-insane-I-need-a-vacation-from-them times. And if I can do something to facilitate that for her, I want to.

Mama-Bear · April 2013

If you're even considering being a TS for them a little, you REALLY need to think long and hard, and talk to your DH about this decision. There are wonderful TS out there, but it's definitely not for everyone. I know I could never be an ED or TS, I think they women that are able to donate their genetics are incredible women, I know it's not for me. I would first find out IF she needs an ED, and cross that bridge when you come to it, she may be able to use her own eggs and this might be something you don't even need to worry about. If she does need an ED and you're considering carrying your own genetic child, don't make a quick decision, don't offer as soon as they say they need a donor. Think about it from all sides, yours, your DH's, your children's, theirs, etc. I'm in no way trying to talk you out of being a TS, but people regret things when they rush them, make sure that whatever you decide is what's best for everyone today, tomorrow, and 20 years from now. Also, just because this wasn't mentioned in your post, I want to make sure this is very clear, NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION, EVERYONE NEEDS THEIR OWN LEGAL COUNSEL. It's not about trust, or money, it's about in case _______ happens, or makes their parentage legal, it lays out the expectations everyone has of one another, etc. Make sure you use an attorney that's experienced with 3rd party reproduction, depending on the state you're located in they could be easy or hard to come by (I'm in MO and there are only 4 or 5, but in IL there are many because surrogacy is much more common in IL, and IL is considered a "surrogacy friendly state" along with TX, FL, and CA being the big ones I can think of off the top of my head).

jessacrea · April 2013

Thank you for that. And to clarify:

With a parent who has been a judge for over 30 years, we do not make life altering decisions in this family without an attorney present. So yes, both parties would be represented by their own separate legal council (because we've heard most of our lives friends and family will f** you first, and unfortunately a lot of the time that has proven true). We are in a "surrogacy friendly" state so there are a large number of attorneys available with necessary experience.

My husband and I have talked at length about the entire process and the different issues it presents (legally, emotionally, physically, financially), and it has been something I have been considering for a number of years. Obviously the easiest thing for everyone involved would be a situation requiring a gestational carrier, but we won't know what we are facing until we sit down and talk with them tomorrow.

Either way, if my husband walks away from the meeting with any sort of concerns that cannot be reconciled, the process stops there. I can't be a surrogate (traditional or gestational) without his support. Pregnancy presents a unique enough challenge by itself without an antagonistic partner.

Mama-Bear · April 2013

Good luck tomorrow, can't wait to hear (read) how it goes. Definitely right about the DH being on board, this pg has put more of a strain on him than I would've originally thought, there's no way our marriage could hole up through something like this if we weren't on the same page (and we'll both decide together if we want to do it again).

jessacrea · April 2013

Sorry for the delay in updating, this past week has been crazy with my husband's business trip and caring for my two small children:

We had a wonderful meeting (4.5 hours of amazing in-depth discussion on all the options) and we decided to go ahead and see what their physician says about the options we have going forward...

That my husband and I both there feeling totally at peace with everything that was said was a miracle all by itself.

Then I found out that my legal plan that I opted into at work covers all of my attorney fees for the specific surrogacy paperwork the State requires to have in place before we start this process, so it isn't going to cost anymore than what I already pay into the plan.

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