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Teens, Social Life & parenting time

JashalynJashalyn member
in Blended Families

Hi, I have posted on this board before (a long time ago) but I have usually just lurk. I have one stepson who is 15.

 You know when your kids are teens and they don't want to spend any time with you? How do you deal with that when you don't have custody of them. Not that my stepson doesn't want to spend any time with his father and I but he has some activities coming up that are on my husband's weekends and he just signs up for the activiy without even asking his father if he can go and without even considering if he has transportation. What kind of guidelines do you set so you can see your kids and let them have some freetime too?

My husband does not drive due to an eyesight issue so it is me doing the driving. His ex wife usually does not help with transport (once in a blue moon). My stepson lives with her about 10 miles away. It is not a great distance but he has been getting more and more involved in acitivities which is basically cutting our parenting time way down. On one hand my husband and I just want to let go, let him do what he wants but on the other hand we want to matter to him, we want our family time to matter to him. So if we let him do what he wants what is that saying about our family time? Also, he spends the majority of his time with his mother and personally I don't think very highly of her or her influence. I don't want my stepson around her anymore time than he needs to be - and yeah I realize I am fighting a losing battle there.I feel She is a liar and never shows respect towards my husband (which this has passed down to our son), has always tried to screw us out of time with our son and now has yet another way to make that happen.

 TIA

Jasha

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Re: Teens, Social Life & parenting time

  • CampanitaCampanita

    I would limit the kids activities.  Sit him down with you guys and tell him what you just said here on this post (minus the mom part!Stick out tongue) and explain to him why it's important to spend the time.  As his parents you guys have a voice on what he does.  What is he going to do if you don't take him somewhere -- hide in the closet so he won't see you guys?

    Talk to him like a young adult.  Compromise so that both parties get something good out of it.

    Good luck!

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  • Erin Mary AckermanErin Mary Ackerman member

    You have, in your post, summed up why it just plain sucks to be a child of divorce.  You want to spend time  on regular teenage activities? Ok, but not on Dad's weekend!  You want to have a job? Sure, but what about family time?

    It sucks so bad for kids that have to deal w/ this-I speak from experience.  I don't know what the right answer is.  Obviously, time with your DH is important to a 15 year old boy.  But, as a teenager, time with friends, or in organized activities is also important. 

    You are a kind SM to be doing the driving.  Next year your SS will be driving and that might take some of the bite out of his schedule to you.  I say let him do his activities, and try and pick up a midweek dinner for family time if possible.

    Good Luck :)  I was never a huge fan of 15!!!

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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    I would institute a "talk to me first or I'm cancelling it" policy. At 15, he's old enough to know which weekend belongs to which parent and needs to ask permission accordingly. Also, he shouldn't just assume you are going to drop everything to play chauffer.

    You could also pick a day when you expect him to be free. Maybe the last Saturday of every month or even just a few hours each weekend, like each Sunday morning until 2pm. And on some of those days, schedule something he enjoys doing and you guys get involved.



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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    At what point is it not EOW anymore?

    My SS is 13. I feel like his social activities, sports, etc. are super important to developing his personality and social skills needed in life. He has a pretty good relationship with his Dad (as good as to be expected of a teen) and he knows his Dad is always there for him. It is becoming a see us, when nothing else better is going on kind of a situation-I understand that because he needs to have friends, social, sports, etc. and lets face it I guess we are not that cool anymore. The worst part is the inconvenience of never knowing when he will be here and when he won't. August-begining of November, he was probably here 3 weekends. He has been here the past 3 and is supposed to be coming over this weekend, so that would be 4 in a row.
    I don't know, but it does make me question at what age is it no longer about EOW?
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