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irishgirl0525
member
Introducing myself finally-long!
irishgirl0525
member
Hello ladies. I have been lurking on here regularly for a couple of months, but would finally like to introduce myself. I have been putting this off because I felt my back story would read like a small novel and you might not want to read so much. I wanted to finally post because we will be having a baby later this year as well as dealing with issues like college tuition for 2 at the same time and since I have seen a lot of posts recently dealing with these issues, I wanted to join in. I look forward to getting to know you all better.
I tried to condense this but it's still long, and it IS the reader's digest version 
The basic background is this. DH and I have been married for almost 4 years. He is the love of my life. It took a while for us to get together as a couple, but it was worth the wait...It is the 2nd marriage for both of us, I have no children (pregnant now), he has 2 daughters, 18 and 20.
When we were first married, SD1 lived with us (her choice, BM had full residential custody but she wasn't getting along with her mother and it was not a good situation for her), she was 16 and a junior in HS at the time. She had (and still has) a lot of emotional issues, a learning disability and went through a major depression when school started that year, so that we had her in an intensive outpatient program for the entire 1st marking period of school that year. There was always a lot of drama with SD1, and his ex-wife added to it, (I hate to be unoriginal but she is effing crazy). The relationship between SD1 and me has been up and down. I do think that we both tried very hard to get along, but we both had a difficult time dealing with each other.
She moved back to her mom's in May of her junior year in a hailstorm of drama, (running out of the house in her bare feet and disappearing for 2 hours so we had to call the police to track her down. This was after threatening to take a bottle of advil that had to be wrestled out of her hands by DH, and then begging to be checked into a mental hospital, and then begging not to be. She also hit her father with a lamp that morning. This started because she didn't want to go to school that day and when DH said he was going to work from home so he could keep an eye on her she flipped out. Anyhow, you get the idea of some of what was going on, that was probably the worst of it.
During that time and for close to almost 4 years, SD2 was not speaking to DH for reasons that we still do not know for sure. A little over 2 years ago, out of the blue, she decided she wanted to see him again and they now see each other regularly 2x a week (she comes over to our house) and so he is grateful for that and has not pushed the issue to discuss what she was angry about and she has not asked to discuss with him. I think that is strange and should have been discussed, however, it is not my call. We have some ideas about what set it off, but 4 years is an extremely long time to go without speaking to someone, especially when it starts at age 12.
There was a lot of PA going on, many things that BM said to the girls about their father which SD1 has discussed with him and there has been a lot of anger on her part when she realized that she was being lied to and that her father was not a monster.
Fast forward to today. SD1 lives in the Bronx with her 31 year old boyfriend who, as much as I never ever wanted to admit this, he is a very nice guy and is very good to her. She has not been able to hold a job for more than 3 months (quits when it becomes too challenging for her, this is an ongoing pattern).
We went to court and had her emancipated a year ago, which she asked us to do, because we were still paying child support to BM for her, and BM was not passing along any support at all to her, and it was causing major issues for SD1 in dealing with her mom. It wasn't just because of her request, of course we both didn't want to be paying CS for a child who wasn't getting any benefit from it.
She recently enrolled for a semester in a community college and seems to be doing well so far. My FIL set up college accounts for the girls, so right now her tuition is being covered by that. DH is paying for her monthly metro card and he would like to give her more monetary support since she is making no money at all and her bf is paying for all of their expenses which is really not fair that she cannot contribute anything. I have mixed feelings about this but I am looking at our budget to see what a realistic amount is that we can give her to help out. I would like to set some guidelines and parameters as to how long this lasts, what needs to be met so that she "earns" it and it's not just a handout, etc. I know she needs the help. If she continues in school then DH wants to ask BM to help with this as well, but I don't see that happening, we'll see.
SD2 is a very good student and will be going to a state school in the fall. We don't know what financial aid she will receive yet, but we are hoping there will be some. She had applied to 2 very expensive private colleges and didn't get in to either of them. Part of me wanted her to get into her first choice college, but only if she was able to go there. I have a real issue with $60,000 college tuition (which we can in no way afford) and I don't think that anyone is entitled to that, so it would have been a huge fight with BM that we do not have to deal with now.
On a completely different topic, we are finally pregnant after a very long road getting there (see siggy). The girls knew a few years ago that we wanted to have a baby, and as far as I know, they were happy about the idea of a sibling but that was along time ago. We have not shared our IF struggles with them, so I don't know if they think we gave up, or maybe they have seen the Follistim in the fridge and Googled it to see what it is for. They have never asked about it. I am 10 weeks now, and we plan to tell them once I meet the 12 week mark. I have no idea how this will go down, and I am a little nervous about their reactions, esp. SD1's reaction, but I know that we can't control the reactions, we can only control how we give the news and hope that they are happy, or that they warm up to the idea of it.
I think that is plenty of background. Thanks for sticking with it to the end of the story!
TTC since 3/2010. Me 41, DH-49. After 3 years, 6 IUIs and several IVFs we have finally have our beautiful baby girl, born on 11/7/13.
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Re: Introducing myself finally-long!
Holy crap that really was long. Please don't flame me for it!
I just also wanted to say that I don't mean it to come across as if DH and I are perfect, and that we have handled everything perfectly in our dealings with SDs, together or separately
Welcome.
An congratulations on your pregnancy
Yikes! Congrats on your pregnancy and sounds like you are handling everything well. The girls will adjust but I'm sure there will be some bumps along the way with them coming to terms with their dad having another child.
My son's fath
Welcome and congrats!
It is great you guys want to help your SKs financially while they attend college. Not being in that position and only knowing the above I think I would:
For SD#1 - Continue to pay the metro card and send a $50.00/m
Thanks for the feedback and the welcome! Waving to 10-4, it's nice to see you here too!
Dmnds, that sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to deal with that and it must have been very hurtful.
I like the suggestions of the parameters o