Is anyone here in a semi-open adoption?

jillianmb · April 2013

Interested in hearing about your experience. We just put some feelers out to a local agency about doing a domestic infant adoption and they only do semi-open adoptions. Sounds like it means you meet the expectant mom but you don't share identifying information and then after placement you only contact one another through the agency and it sounds like typically contact is via letters and pictures and not often, if ever, in person.

Is anyone in an adoption like this? Love to hear your experience: what do you like about it? Dislike? Would you change anything? etc

ycristina84 · April 2013

I don't have a first person account, but I have something. I've been a Nanny to a little girl for 6 years, and she was adopted, so I have asked her mother a lifetime's worth of questions on their situation! They have a semi-open adoption, that only includes letters through the agency. When they first started communicating, the APs would send a lot of pictures (maybe the first year) and only the grandma would write back. After the first year, the family lost all interest and so it's more of a closed adoption at this point and there hasn't been any correspondence in 7 years. The agency told them that that is what's most common, families just moving on and cutting communication.

Obviously all adoptions are different and each birthmother has a different story...But the APs told me that the benefit for a semi-open adoption for them was that the bio mom and dad had A LOT of problems with mental health issues and substance abuse, and they could not have someone in and out of their daughter's life like a tornado. They were simply not interested in a dramatic whirlwind of events that could lead to hurt and confusion. The dad was in and out of jail, so that didn't help things either. Through the agency, that stress and worry isn't there. The ball is in the BPs court if they ever want contact, but they don't have to be exposed to all the bad things in their life.

Originally they were open to having a open adoption. Apparently the BM had 3 other kids, and the Adoptive parents took care of her children and her during pregnancy (even gave her a car so she could have a job) and that whole time was very stressful and dramatic. The adoptive dad told me that he really had come to love the BM like a daughter, and it was painful when they realized that they would have to sever ties. So, the worst part for them was that they don't know how BM is doing, and they worry about her.

Dr.Loretta · April 2013

Even the term "semi open" can mean a lot of things, and it can change.

With our agency, their baseline was semi-open, meaning we met the EM without exchanging identifying info. We send pictures and letters via the agency on a schedule. And in our profile key, we stated how many visits/year we were open to, and were matched with a BM who had similar expectations.

Beyond that, we could customize the openness as we saw fit. We were open to 2 visits/year, and we've stuck with that. We set up a blog for DD's birth family so they could get updates on DD more often than the letter/picture schedule, and that opened it up a bit more. In this year's letter, we suggested setting up e-mail accounts so we/DD could ask her BM questions with more privacy than the blog provides. We're going to discuss logistics when we have our next visit.

What I like about our arrangement is that we are able to have communication with each other, and are able to form a relationship, even if it's not terribly close. DD is able to see her birth family, and has an avenue to ask questions as she gets older, or the ability to dictate the relationship on a certain level. We were also able to get a lot of information on at least DD's BM, including medical history, likes and dislikes, just nice things to know that we can share with her.

As for dislikes, at this point I'm not a fan of the lag time to get things to them, or to communicate with them. If you see my post about Boston below, it turns out DD's birth family was pretty worried about us since we live near Boston, and we didn't have the ability for them to just call/text/e-mail and ask if we were OK. Sending flowers to DD's BM on DD's birthday is kind of a pain, since we have to contact someone at the agency to make the arrangements (her birth family still doesn't want to share identifying info, and we're respecting that).

I don't know if I'd want to change anything, since we do have the flexibility to adapt the semi-openness of it all to fit our own situation. It's not like we entered into a legal contract to do things a certain way. Since we are aware that the relationship may fluctuate over time, I like having the flexibility that's more or less built into it.

Wow, that was a novel. Sorry. And squee for pursuing another adoption!

crene84 · April 2013

We didn't use an agency but we have semi-open. It wasn't structured at all; we all just went through the motions, none of us really knowing how this was all going to play out, but it went well. We spent a lot of time with DD's BM in the hospital and she knows we would love to hear from her whenever she wants to contact us. We have each other's cell phone numbers and e-mails. We've only heard from DD's BM through e-mail maybe 2-3 times since bringing her home and it's been almost 7 months. We actually wish we'd hear from her more, but we want her to be comfortable.

fledgegrl1 · April 2013

No experience to offer you (in the waiting phase here), but I've been following your story since I joined this board and can I just say how excited I am that you are considering another adoption?!?

Dr.Loretta · April 2013

And if you want to PM me for more info/discussion, feel free!

twinkjk · April 2013

We are in a semi-open adoption, but we have found from talking to other people that the definition of "semi-open" varies from situation to situation.

In our experience, we met EM a few times before the birth. She does know our full names but that is about it (She very well could track us down and find out more info on us if she was so inclined). She allowed us to be in the delivery room (!), but after the birth we only spoke to her through the agency for a few days and then we have had no contact with her.

Our agreement is that we will have no visitations but we will submit photos and updates through our agency websites. Since we can see how many times those photos have been viewed on the website, we know that she has not once checked in to read our updates or look at pictures (kinda makes me sad).

We like the semi-open option. It was what we were most comfortable with and after having some shady encounters with the birth family before and after LO was born, we would DEFINITELY not be comfortable with an open situation. However, given the right circumstances an open adoption might be great--it just wasn't in the cards for us this time around.

jillianmb · April 2013

Thank you so much ladies! You have given me a lot to think about.

To the pp who asked about BM wanting an open adoption: I don't know the answer but I would guess that this agency would refer to another local agency (national) that does open adoptions. I know they would not pressure an expectant mom into choosing a semi-open adoption if she wanted an open adoption.

Thank you to those who are excited for us! We are still going back and forth between fertility treatments or going straight into another adoption. It is a tough call but I know it will become clear as we research, consider, and pray.

Thanks again!

Dr.Loretta · April 2013

jillianmb:

To the pp who asked about BM wanting an open adoption: I don't know the answer but I would guess that this agency would refer to another local agency (national) that does open adoptions. I know they would not pressure an expectant mom into choosing a semi-open adoption if she wanted an open adoption.

I would ask how that's handled. With our agency, they required PAPs to be open to at least their definition of semi-open (letters and pix on a schedule), and gave us some education on open adoption in all its many forms. We asked the opposite question: would they work with EPs who wanted a closed adoption. They said yes, but they would ask them to at least consider semi-open.

HTH. GL going forward!

leece21 · April 2013

So my experience is on the other side. I am a birthmom that gave twins up 13 years ago. I used an agency that gave me an option for closed or semi-open. I knew that I loved the twins and it would kill me just to hand them over to a faceless family and assume that they were taken care of.

I was asked by my social worker what was important to me and what I hoped the adoptive family valued. I gave her a list and she handed me a bunch of profiles to look through. The very first family I looked at I fell in love with but thought there was no way I would find the twins family so quickly so I looked through about 30 more. I kept coming back the them. Once I had decided we set up a phone call with all of us (including both social workers). I was able to meet them face to face about a week before I gave birth. Then after the 48 hour wait period I signed over my rights and placed the twins into the arms of their parents.

That was the hardest day of my life and yet I have no regrets. I love seeing the pictures (from the back, over their shoulders) of that moment.

In our paperwork there were terms set like I was not to know their last name or address. All contact was made through the agency. I could have pictures of the kids and parents but no other family. Letters could be sent when ever we wanted but contact was to end on the twin's 5th bday. We actually ended contact at about 3 years because that is what seemed right for all of us.

I was grateful for the contact but also for the cut off date. I needed to know the twins were taken care of but I also wanted their focus to be on their family and not on me.

I have never regretted my decision. I have always said I gave my twins up so that they could be raised in a way that I could not provide at that time. I love them and their family so very much.

I hope this helps.

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