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Blended Families
Lavender P
member
DH is ready to give up
Lavender P
member
Sorry, this ended up much longer than intended...So SS10 has had steadily declining grades over the past two years. He is a smart kid but has tons of missed assignments, doesn't study for tests, etc. DH and I both went to college and to grad school and try to emphasize how important education is to SS. He is still young and doesn't fully understand the implications of working towards having a good job and the type of life you want. We do understand that college isn't for everyone and you have to have realistic goals for kids. However, SS is really smart and we want him to understand he has options in life. We dont want him to limit himself by doing poorly in school. His grades went fom all A's and B's to mostly C's and D's. DH has met with the teacher several times and tries to be as involved as possible. We keep track of when all his tests are and help him study/do homework when he is wih us. The problem is that he is only with us EOWE, holidays and school breaks. The teacher sends us papers related to school events to keep us informed but we don't get any of his actual school work. DH calls him to ask about his day, grades, homework, but SS just answers that he doesn't know what he got on the tests. BM also has lied several times to DH about how SS is doing. After DH called the teacher to find out, he and BM with SS came up with a daily schedule for SS to focus on school. The problem is that BM won't enforce it even though they agreed to it. She makes excuses for SS saying that his friends in class talk to him too much, it's not his fault, it's the teacher and has nothing to do with the 11 homework assignments he didn't turn in for one class. BM is also convinced that SS has ADD and wants him put on medication. DH isn't necessarily against it, but thinks the issues are a lot more with a lack of effort instead of having ADD. Last year, BM took SS to the doctors and had him put on meds, without telling DH, even though they both have joint legal custody. SS's teacher at the time had 35 students and filled out the form saying that in her opinion SS may possibly have ADD.the doctor told DH, BM, and SS that if SS didn't take the medication he would drop out of school an end up on drugs. DH figured that if it would help SS then they could try it out. BM gave him the medication for 2 months, decided that there was no change in his grades and took him off it. again without telling DH Now she is back on her kick of saying he has ADD. She wants him back on the medication, even though DH talked to SS's teacher now and she says she thinks his problem is behavioral not ADD. She said he does the work in class and can focus. He is just missing assignments at home and that is what effects his grade. He is getting 98s on his math test but has a B in math because of homework. SS hears his mom say he needs medication and now thinks he isn't accountable for anything grades related because 'I'm not taking the drugs I need." DH has tried to talk to BM but nothing is coming from it. She thinks DH is too hard on SS and should just accept his grades for what they are. Except when he gets bad grades, she calls DH to have him talk to SS and tell him he is disappointed. She wants DH to be the bad guy and punish him for grades, but wont do it herself, even though he is with her the majority of the time. We only see him on weekends and DH is tired of being the bad guy when it comes to school. We are worried because SS will be in middle school soon and has no study habits. When he is with us, he reads everyday and enjoys talking to us about books and what he is learning, it's just not enough. DH is ready to give up in that he doesn't know what to do to help. We have offered to pay for a tutor, but BM flipped out saying that we are telling her what to do and that we are implying she is a bad parent. Her suggestion was for DH to pick up SS after school each day and take him somewhere to do homework with him, then bring him back. However this just isn't feasible because DH works. BM stays at home but told DH she is too busy with her family to have to monitor SS. SS is her family! We are frustrated and DH is tried of trying and getting nowhere. We have a CO and would like to get more time with SS, but don't want to engage in a lengthy and difficult battle. BM said it would be over her dead body before we get to see him more. Anyway, if you made it the whole way through, I owe you a cookie. I guess I'm really just looking for advice on how to help DH, how to encourage SS, and to vent all in one. TIA!
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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Re: DH is ready to give up
Okay, so you guys have a lot going on. My DS is also struggling in school. He's in my home 98% of the time, and I don't feel like I have a much better handle on what's going on.
We've been kind of dipping our toes into the ADHD pool with DS
Here are the things that I suggested to DH when we were in the same position. BM always said it was the teacher and SS was ADD. From this, SS got the attitude that he was both stupid and too smart for his own good, it was awful.
Have you spoken with th school counselor?
my mom was a counselor and would have a study skills session for kids who were struggling with these type of issues.
If noting else they may have recommendations for outside help (tutors in or out o
My DS has severe ADHD and it took us a long time to find medication that worked for his needs. That being said, I don't know if your SS is ADD or is having other issues. My DS has issues in class (not completing in class assignments, behavi
In general, it takes 2-3 months to determine if a medication is working properly with ADHD. There are many and they also typically start someone on the lowest dose and work them up. So by putting him on the meds then pulling him off, I assume by her ch
She offered to give you SS every day on her parenting time to help him with his homework!!!!
I realize it makes her a shitty parent that she can't be bothered to help him with it, but now you and DH are refusing to help him, too! I u