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What to call EM in the years after baby is born?

Karen1024Karen1024 member
in Adoption

DD is 5 months old and I've been thinking about how I want to refer to her birth mother as she grows older. We're in an open adoption and will be seeing her a couple of times a year.  So far, things are going pretty well! It's only been 6 months, but nothing is really feeling "natural". To make it more complicated DD has a full sister and right now we just refer to them as sisters.  Unfortunately, we worry about DD's sister growing up as her mother doesn't have many good parenting skills and she has terrible habits and no boundaries.  They live 2 hours away and we don't anticipate being close like family, limiting the visits to twice a year unless something major changes.

I still sometimes refer to her as DD's "Mom" but I don't like it when I say this because I think to myself, "I'm her mom!!" I feel like a traitor to myself which is miserable! I'm not babysitting, it's my title. She doesn't have two moms. We're not equal partners.  She has a special status I want to acknowledge, but I don't have a word for it! 

I think "Birth mother" or "Biological Mother" just sounds weird.  Maybe I just need to get used to it? As in, "Hey ___, we're going to see your sister and birth mother on Saturday." We could just call her by her first name, but that doesn't acknowledge her special status. Now that I wrote all this out maybe Birth Mother is okay. It's just some EMs seem not to like it prior to delivery but we're past this stage now so maybe its okay? 

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Re: What to call EM in the years after baby is born?

  • potatoheadpotatohead member
    My DD is 5 months as well, so like you, I'm new at this.  We refer to her by her first name.  Sometimes we say she's DD's Special (first name).  We also say that she's her BM.  She knows I'm her Mom, but will also know that BM grew her
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers

    after several m/c, DD#1 born 7-7-08, more m/c and failed IVF, started adoption process March 2011, matched Oct 2, 2012, DD#2 born 10-31-12
    Hope Wait Pray Adoption Blog
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  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    We refer to her by her first name. DD knows her by her first name. She knows she grew in J's tummy, and J picked us to be her mommy and daddy. She doesn't need a special label IMO.

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  • summergirl79summergirl79 member
    We usually say "BM first name"....DS has started to call her "first name".
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  • Amyaggie97Amyaggie97
    We refer to her by her first name, but we had some boundary issues at the beginning so it's best that we started doing that and continue to do so.  R can choose something else down the road if she so chooses.
    Me- 37, DH- 32. TTC- June 2010- Adoption journey started April 2012 image
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  • edaireedaire member
    This is a great question!
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  • IRRIRR member
    When talking about her with your DD why don't you just refer to her as her tummy mommy and when in person her first name.  As long as your DD knows that her tummy mommy is X.
    image

    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


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  • Art TeacherArt Teacher

    DD (who is 3 1/2 now) refers to her birthmom by her first name.  We refer to her by her first name, too (although I'll also say, "You're birthmom ____...," too.)

    I think at this point, I'd probably just let her refer to her by her first na

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  • cadgirlcadgirl member
    Slightly different situation here because of fostering instead, but right now we refer to their birth parents as their first parents.  And we are hoping to be adopting the younger sister yet to be born of our first placements (who have since returned
    Foster parents turned adoptive parents :)
    Adoptive daughter born 08/07/13... growing so fast
    BM due again end of March 2015 so any day!
    Bloggy blog
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  • Karen1024Karen1024 member
    Thanks everyone! I love the suggestions and shares and will talk about it with my husband. Lots of good ideas here.
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