BIG marriage problem
DoctorWorm222
member
Let me preface this by saying that I understand that the ladies on this board have varied opinions on the use of pornography. I don?t intend this post to come across as judgmental at all. I don?t have a problem with anything that is done by consenting adults as long as they?re being honest and transparent with their partners and nobody is getting hurt.
A few months into our new relationship, DH made a somewhat inappropriate, off-color joke about porn in his adult Sunday school class. Though no one made it into a big deal, it was not well received. This incident as well as a few sermons etc, led DH to do a lot of soul searching, after which he came to the conclusion that viewing pornography is morally wrong. He came to me, totally unprovoked, and confessed that he had a problem with pornography, apologized for disrespecting me by looking at other women, and vowed never to do it again. I was surprised and frankly a little hurt when he told me he was going online every day, as I?d assumed that our new relationship would be enough to keep him satisfied at least for a while until the novelty wore off. Regardless, we got over it and developed great respect for my new boyfriend?s strength of character. I felt that I could really trust this person, given that he considered even porn a breech of our relationship. I?ve asked him about it several times throughout the years. I?d hear some crazy story from a friend, tell it to DH and mention how pleased I am that I never have to worry about my husband doing something like that, and ask if he?d really gone all this time without looking at porn. He always tells me that he has zero interest in looking at other women ? ZERO.
After the early period of our relationship, we started having sex less and less. For most of our marriage, we?ve had sex somewhat less than once a month ? which, as I understand it, meets the technical definition of a sexless marriage. This has been the source of tremendous shame for me. It seems like every other woman is beating her husband back with a stick while I can?t get mine to touch me. Self-esteem went totally down the $hitter. I feel totally ugly and unlovable. I?ve brought it up with him several times, and he always says its not me ? he just has a very, very low sex drive, especially when he?s under any kind of stress.
Recently, its been even worse. DH works long hours, comes home after E goes to bed, stays up later than I do, and sleeps on the couch. I started getting suspicious and asked him if he was looking at porn while he was up at night. He assured me that he was either working or reading the news. Three nights ago I brought it up again. I was trying to be gentle and non-accusatory, but I asked him to tell me when was the last time he?d looked at porn. Had he really gone all those years without it? He nearly bit my head off and made me feel really, really bad about my lack of trust.
The very next day, we were getting ready for bed and he tells me that we need to talk. He confesses that he?s never been able to get over his problem with porn. Throughout our entire marriage, he?s gone through spurts where he was going online as much as every other day. He?s apparently been lying to me regularly for 7 years. I was totally appalled. Knowing that my husband needs something else to be satisfied is really, really hard. Knowing that he was getting his needs met all those years while I was next door to celibate is devastating. And knowing that he?s capable of lying like that is something that makes me consider leaving. Now instead of feeling ugly and unlovable, I feel ugly, unlovable and totally frucking stupid! I?m seriously at an all-time low.
I?ve been dealing with this for a few days now, and I just can?t process. I?m having trouble concentrating ? at work, at home, taking care of E. I?m sorry for the big fat novel that I just unloaded, but I?m hoping for some advice or some wisdom or something. DH swears up and down that he?s not doing this because I?m inadequate, that he?s never going to look at porn again, more importantly he?s never going to lie to me like this again, and he wants to start couples counseling to work through some of our problems. I just don?t know what the hell I?m supposed to do with this L
Re: BIG marriage problem
Oh Dr. Worm I am so very sorry! IMO I think your DH needs to go to counseling ASAP as it is clear that this is beyond a hobby. If he can not go without looking at porn then he most likely has an addiction to it. Additionally, I know this is easier sai
I would honestly ask him to leave for awhile. Not because of the lack of sex and not because of the porn but because I couldn't look someone in
I'd be hurt if my DH would lie to me like that too. Counseling may be a good idea.
And sweetie, you are beautiful. Him looking at porn and jerkin
First off:
I don't think looking at porn is unhealthy for anyone to do or sinful, not even every other day.
Being addicted to porn is different, not choosing to pleasure your partner over porn is not healthy. I know my husband
Okay, I'm going to come at this from a slightly different perspective.
I think honesty is really, vitally, crucially important in a relationship. That being said, I don't think his lying has anything to do with you or your relationsh
I just wanted to thank you all for reading my big, gianormous novella of a post and for your replies. I was initially scared to post this because I thought people might jump my $hit for giving him a hard time over porn. I'm glad that all of you seemed
I am so sorry you are going through this DrWorm, lying is probably the worst thing to have to deal with in a relationship, and it is good to hear that you are both going to go to counseling. I really hope it helps you get through all of the issues and
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I am sorry you are going through such a difficult situation and I agree with other ladies that the only viable options seems to be counseling for both of you. I know you feel a great sense of betrayal and distrust, but it sounds like YH has great
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