Adoption

Mostly not adoption-related: family/baby shower rant

A little backstory in case you haven't seen my complaining in earlier posts:

BIL (who is 24 but might as well be 16) told us in Nov that his GF of 2 months was pregnant- we had all met her about twice. It wasn't planned but it wasn't exactly an accident either (more of like a hey-this-might-be-fun). He broke the news the night before Thanksgiving, which pretty much ruined the holiday, and then proposed to this girl he hardly knows on Christmas (showing up 2 hours late to Christmas dinner I was hosting without calling or answering calls/texts, even though they were 2 out of 6 people who were supposed to be there). We try so so hard to be supportive and include her in the family but it's driving me crazy. They both still live with their parents and have been looking for apartments for the last 4 months in a neighborhood they definitely cannot afford and refusing to look anywhere else. They think the whole baby thing is a joke and laugh about how their baby's first words will be "whaddup beeotches?!" as they listen to blaring rap music in the car. It's painful to watch. We try to be supportive and to ask them over for dinner, give them advice on finding apartments or things we've learned from researching everything baby for the last 3 years. But they are so self-absorbed it's ridiculous. We are storing an extra bed, dining room table w/ 4 chairs and futon in our NYC apartment so they can have it when they move out because they don't have the money to buy their own. Which is looking like never because she wants some perfect apartment even though they hardly have enough money to live on their own at all and BIL takes 3-hour naps every day instead of getting at least a temporary second job.

And yet, no matter how lazy and unrealistic and immature they are, we are still going to have a nephew in June. So we try to be supportive. I try to be friendly and get to know her more and DH tries to talk to his brother seriously about the situation but he just makes jokes. And I know this probably sounds selfish, but I feel like they don't care about us at all. They never ever ask how things are going with us even though I'm constantly trying to bond with her over something baby-related. I don't think they even know that we had a failed match 3 weeks ago, even though the rest of the family was there for us the minute it starting falling apart. They didn't even get us a card for our baby shower (and I would NEVER expect any kind of gifts or anything from anyone, or a shower at all, but it just hurts that she wouldn't even bring a card. I should make a separate post about our shower though because it was really sweet and beautiful :)

 The worst part is that I am hosting her baby shower. I offered to do it a couple months ago because she was basically talking about planning it herself and none of her family had any interest in doing it. I felt bad. So I offered to do it and MIL is going to help me, but it's turning into a big disaster. We were planning a traditional girls-only shower but she told me today that she really wanted a coed shower so she can invite her guy friends, male cousins, etc. and asked how many people she was allowed to invite. She is Dominican and I think it is just part of their culture (at least here) to have huge oversized parties for showers (and baptisms, first birthdays, etc.- I don't mean to stereotype or anything, this just seems to be the norm for her family and other Dominican friends I've had in this area). I don't really understand that and MIL is dead-set against it (she is Cuban). I want her to enjoy her shower, but I also can't fit 80 people in our apartment and I would be really uncomfortable planning male baby shower games and serving beer. Just my opinion. And I'm not about to spend more money and move it to a venue. I really just don't know what to do. She already picked the theme that we are using, which is fine. But I just really don't want to throw her some huge blowout party for a baby shower. Am I being stubborn? Is it wrong to throw a ladies-only shower if a coed shower is what she expected? Obviously this should be about her, but I'm just feeling kind of used since her mom and sister never offered to plan anything at all and yet MIL and I are supposed to plan and pay for a party around her family's traditions of out-of-control parties. Not to mention this shower has to be done May 11th, the weekend the baby from our failed match was due (mother's day), which she hasn't even mentioned at all (but she did mention that it couldn't be the next weekend because it was too close to her sister's due date w/ baby #2 and if she went into labor it will steal her thunder. Really.). I'm hoping it will just be good for me to keep busy.

Sorry for the long rant, I'm just ready to scream some days. I feel like we've already given up the excitement of having the first grandbaby in the family to them, space in our apartment to store their furniture, and now I'm planning the shower for someone who thinks she is entitled to the world and can't take 2 seconds to show concern over what we've been going through the last month. I know this probably makes me sound like a selfish and horrible person, but I'm just beyond frustrated with them at this point. Thanks for reading if you got this far. I just really needed to get everything out.

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Re: Mostly not adoption-related: family/baby shower rant

  • *hugs* It does suck, but that's why we're here so you can vent! I know some days I could really use a punching bag. I hope things start to look up soon!

  • IRRIRR member
    Rant away, you are way too nice.  This is what I would do (I am not so nice).  I would tell her that your apartment only holds 20-25 people.  If she wants a co-ed shower perhaps her family could throw one for her but you wanted all girls so
    image

    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


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  • Wow.  That's a lot for anyone to handle. 

    I think that it is really nice that you offered to do a shower for her.  I don't know that I could have done that if I were in your shoes.  I think that you need to tell her firmly

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  • imageIRR:
    Rant away, you are way too nice. nbsp;This is what I would do I am not so nice. nbsp;I would tell her that your apartment only
  • You need to take a huge step back.

    You don't need to be this supportive. You don't need to store stuff for them. You don't need to give them any baby-related advice, or try and bond over kid stuff. You don't need to even throw her a shower.

    <p
  • imageDr.Loretta:

    You need to take a huge step back.

    You don't need to be this supportive. You don't need to store stuff

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  • Hugs- remember Karma is a ***
    TTC since June 2010
    5 Angels

    Lilypie - (hlC0)
  • I agree with the PP's.  Although I am often told that I am too nice, so I totally get how you are in the situation you are.

    I think you should just set limits.  I can host x number of people and spend x dollars on your shower.  And

  • imagefredalina:
    God yes, you are way too nice. Tell her you went over your Budget and can afford to have 20 people and it will be at you
    ***************************** Our beautiful daughter was born in October 2009. Turns out she was quite the miracle. After two years of TTC, diagnosed with DOR. A couple of failed treatment cycles later, we decided to let go of our hope for more biological children and explore adoption.
  • Thanks for the replies. It helps just to know that this is a totally screwed up situation and I'm not just being selfish. I haven't really talked to my MIL about it in a while but we're definitely on the same page, thankfully (she and I have always got

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  • It sounds like you just need to really figure out what you are comfortable doing and set firm boundaries. Being a godparent, if you chose to do so, is not a monetary commitment. You control and define that relationship.

    I'm concerned that wan
    ***************************** Our beautiful daughter was born in October 2009. Turns out she was quite the miracle. After two years of TTC, diagnosed with DOR. A couple of failed treatment cycles later, we decided to let go of our hope for more biological children and explore adoption.
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