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August 2012 Moms
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Aggie finds a porno (NOW WITH SLIGHTLY MORE SCHLONG!)

AggieDanerAggieDaner member
in August 2012 Moms

It is a warm Autumn afternoon when we find our hero Aggie struggling valiantly with a tiny ladder in the sweet sweet walk in closet of her new house. She and LonghornHusband moved into the new domicile nearly 2 weeks prior, and already the florescent lighting in said closet was flickering creepily in that ominous way it tends to do in cheap horror flicks. Aggie is a big believer in not living in creepyass places, so she has taken it upon herself to remedy the situation while husband guy is at work. "Why is Aggie not also at work?" you might ask yourself judgily, as you clutch your glass of Hateraide in your claw-like grip. Because she is a teacher, a$$hole, and it's a holiday. Is it alright with you if we get back to the story now?

 

Aggie finally gets the crappy $10 ladder to unfold properly, and proceeds to scale it's not-quite-adequate heights to try and reach the dying lightbulbs. As she is flailing comically in the direction of the ceiling, she spies a lone VHS tape sitting on the corner of a shelf that is too high to see the top of from the ground. Bizarrely, there is also a lone shoe lying next to the tape. This is a very stylish shoe indeed, as it seems to be made of old tennis ball fuzz.

Because she is an inquisitive scamp, Aggie abandons her quest to fix the eerie lighting situation, and makes haste to grab the mysterious tape. Underneath the tape she finds a form clearly put together by a master of legal prowess. It reads (sic)

"I, ________, do so understand that my participation in this movie is vollantary, and that I am not owed more than 200$ US for my being in it. Also, no distribution is to be planned."

Aggie is, to put it mildly, excited to have found this tape.

 

But alas! No VHS player exists in the house of Aggie and LonghornHusband because they do not live in 1994. For most (boring) people, this would be the end of the journey. However, Aggie is a persistent little bugger, and immediately calls her husband. "OH MY ACTUAL GOD I THINK I FOUND A HOMEMADE PORNO IN OUR CLOSET, WE NEED TO BUY A VCR IMMEDIATELY" she tells his voicemail, then proceeds to pace the house anxiously waiting for his arrival.

As soon as the two are reunited, they dash off to that most regal of homegoods stores, WalMart. The only VCR in the damn place is $50, but at this point there is NO WAY they are waiting any longer to find out what the tape contains, so they do grudgingly pony up the dough and return to the house from whence they came.

 

AND WHAT DID THEY FIND ON THE TAPE?

 

That, my friends, is for part 2. To be completed after the wee baby Aggie's nap and snack.  

 

PART TWO: PENILE BOOGALOO

 

When last we saw dear Aggie, she and her partner in crime (and life, if you want to get corny and weird about it) had purchased a VCR and were moments away from discovering the magic of the forgotten porno.

Tingling with excitement and antici................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....PATION.......

 

 

 

 

 

they popped the tape into the VCR. And lo, it did not disappoint. Let Aggie take a few moments to alert you to the highlights:

 

1. The director/star was definitely the guy who sold them the house in the first place. When he lived there, he had decorated it with a myriad assortment of pineapple-themed furniture. That (highly unfortunately) didn't come into play in the porno, but it's worth noting for "dude was a quack" purposes.

2. Also, he worked for Aflac. Haha, "quack"

3. Tiny, bendy peen ahoy! Like, you would think if you had a little wang-ette that had a noticeable "c" curve to it, you maybe wouldn't focus the camera DIRECTLY on it so often. But you'd be wrong. So very, very wrong.  

4. Theme to every segment of the film: girl who is an employee or is in service to the wee willy owner does something to "mess up". Hooters waitresses (not really, just girls in shorts with t-shirts that someone wrote Hooters on) mess up his drink order, maid tries to steal money, hired hooker doesn't wear appropriate nail polish for hand-jibber. Dude says his line, "well, how are you going to EARN YOUR MONEY BACK????" Apparently there is only one way. Closed-eyes, unenthusiastic BJ's. Not forced, mind you, just very clearly performed with an, "oh, hell, what has my life become that I'm hooking myself on craigslist for homemade porn" mindset.

5. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

And so Aggie and LonghornHusband laughed merrily into the night, and later had some friends over to lol with them. They did not distribute the tape in any other way, for they knew that the poor women who had been hired for the tape only participated with the understanding that it would not go on the internet or anything, and it wasn't their fault that the idiot forgot his video when he moved out. They did note, with some misgivings, that the shoe was never seen on camera. Where did it come into play? Another, unseen tape? They decided to dispose of it using rubber gloves, as they could never be sure it wasn't a butt-shoe or some other horrible thing.

 

Weeks later, while at the Home Depot, LonghornHusband saw the star of the tape, poquito-peen himself, out and about. He later told Aggie that it took serious, SERIOUS self restraint to stop himself from approaching the fellow, telling him we had his tape, and asking what he'd be willing to do to ~*~EARN IT BACK~*~

 

theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend

 

<3<3<3 


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AUGUST 2012 UNICORN



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