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XP from June 2013 - Cancel the shower?

GraceInCAGraceInCA member
in Baby Showers

I posted this originally in June 2013. Since I posted last week, a few things have changed (I put the udpate in the bottom). Any feedback is greatly appreciated, and thanks in advance.

tl;dr version: Can I cancel my own as-yet-unplanned shower?

Original post: I didn't really want a shower. I didn't get one for my son a decade ago, and had no interest in one this time. Two of my closest friends (and my cousins, other relatives, parents, co-workers, ugh you name it they wanted it) convinced me that I should definitely have a shower. You never got one the first time, this baby is a girl, people want to throw you a party, people want to buy you stuff, what's wrong with you, Grace don't be stubborn, blah blah blah. I gave in. I ended up feeling ok about it at first because people were already buying us gifts, and much of it was the pink explosion I was hoping to avoid. I figured if I did register and had a shower, people might be less inclined to buy that stuff, especially if they saw examples of what our tastes are like. Plus, I love a chance to get together with my loved ones. Anyway, the shower thing isn't quite going as well as it should. These two friends are in different circles so they are both very close to me, but only acquaintances of eachother. Nonetheless, they decided to throw the shower together. It's been more or less a disaster. Three weeks of planning and they still can't agree on anything. I get constantly pulled in the middle to mediate. At this point, they can't even decide on the date, and I've been really flexible about that so I told them as long as it's not a week before I'm due, to do it whenever. One of them wants a co-ed party/brunch with a full bar and lots of partying, the other wants an afternoon tea with just the ladies. They have very different ideas about dates, food, themes, every single detail. I'm feeling a little caught in the middle and every time I try and extract myself, one of them will contact me separately and the undertone will be, "Can you believe the nerve of that girl?" I'm really over it. I would love to tell them, "You guys are so sweet to want to throw me a shower, but I think it's not really necessary, so let's just wait until the baby comes and then we'll have some little Meet-The-Baby party." Would that be horrible? If it were you, would you be offended if I declined the shower? As far as I know, they haven't put down a deposit on a venue or purchased anything, so cancelling shouldn't be the end of the world.

Update since then: I spoke with one of my hostesses a couple of days later (and the other one over the weekend), and it seems like they ironed out most of their drama and settled on a ladies-only event. Now they both seem enthusiastic about it. They still have no date scheduled though. Meanwhile, my aunt called me this weekend to tell me that she was going to throw a "small get-together" in honor of me and the baby where she was inviting family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc.), and that I was welcome to invite a few friends. She lives about an hour and a half away. I told her that was so sweet, but it seems like a couple of friends might throw me a shower. She was really excited about it and told me the reason she was throwing the party was that she was concerned I wasn't getting a shower, but she wouldn't throw her party if there was a shower scheduled. I don't want to keep everyone in limbo, and feel like I have to answer everyone soon.


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Re: XP from June 2013 - Cancel the shower?

  • ehnastoehnasto member
    I am sorry you are getting dragged into the drama with your friends. A way to make them pin down a date may be to tell them that your aunt has offered to throw you something and you don't want to leave her in limbo. Telling that might get your friends motivated to pick a date. Also I might suggest you pick two dates and say that your calender is filling up and you will most likely only be available on those dates (even if it is a bit of a white lie) so they feel the urgency of picking a date. If you are really concerned that they won't follow through, I would let them know you appreciate the effort but your aunt REALLY wants to do this for you and let her do it. I know you are in the middle and it stinks. I hope this helps.
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  • msyoonmsyoon

    I think it's nice that your friends want to host the shower together for you. I have noticed that sometimes my friends get more involved with the whole ''planning'' process and actually ignoring the fact that it really is about you and the bebe. So I could see how they both just want the best party. But it does cause stress for you bc you're caught in the middle and don't want either one of them to hate each other. I will still have the shower bc your friends clearly want to host it. I would suggest to your aunt that your friends have taken care of it and invite her to that shower unless you have a completely different group of friends that you would invite to a different shower that your aunt would host. 

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  • GraceInCAGraceInCA member
    Thanks for the feedback. I had a feeling my aunt's "small get-together" would be half of Orange County, and I was right. She already had thirty or forty people in mind. So I told her we would do it after the baby arrives so the extended family could meet the baby. Right now, the shower hosted by my friends still seems like it is happening, but I haven't spoken to them in a couple of days. I asked my aunt if she wanted to come out for it, and she said she'd be fine skipping it.  Hopefully I can keep that guest list very small (like under 12). But if my friends don't manage to get their plans together and it continues to create conflict, I'll probably just ask them to skip it altogether.

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  • msyoonmsyoon
    Just a thought though, if you ask them to skip the shower - after they've started to plan it - wouldn't that hurt their feelings and affect your friendship?
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  • GraceInCAGraceInCA member

    imagemsyoon:
    Just a thought though, if you ask them to skip the shower - after they've started to plan it - wouldn't that hurt their feelings and affect your friendship?

    When I hinted about just waiting until after the baby was born and having something less formal, one of them got super offended.

    As of today though, it seems like we're on track for things to go well with something small and easy.  


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