Last name for LO - Opinions please?

tig594 · March 2013

I will try keeping this short...I could easily write a big fat book on how awful my ex-bf has been....

I am trying to decide the best last name to use for LO. I was divorced several years ago and kept my married name. It was just easier for me, my maiden name was a weird one and it didn't even really belong to me...it was my half sister's dad's surname. I also didn't want to go through the process again of changing everything legally.

LO's dad and I were HS sweethearts who went our seperate ways when we were 19. We reconnected 3 years ago (20 yrs later) and, in that time, I learned how crappy his life has turned out. He's an alcoholic who is currently off on another binge while I sit home sick and on bed rest trying to grow a healthy baby. He has a hard time keeping a job because of his addiction and just blew the chance to get off unemployment and work at a good company with decent pay because it's 2nd shift and "he knew he wouldn't like it." He is verbally abusive (never physically) and disconnected emotionally/mentally from basic things people like you and I probably view as normal in society. He is also enabled by his mom and aunt and, imo, will never change. That said, I love him to death and always will but I cannot/will not speculate on what kind of dad he will be and have no illusions that we'll work things out and be a happy little family someday. He is currently out of the picture as I don't want that kind of role model for my child. I am 99.9% sure he won't fight for custody or visitation which is great because, even though he has the rights to see his daughter, he doesn't deserve her.

Anyway, even though my last name is from a previous marriage I am considering giving it to my LO, as well. It sounds weird even to me, but I am looking forward to her school years and would really like her to have the same name as her primary parent, me. I know in this day and age many kids have different last names than there parents. At 43, I have no desire to remarry and haven't for years.

Opinions, please?

MrsMommyofDom · March 2013

I would put LO last name as yours. Alcoholism is a sad but very long illness. Are you putting him on the birth certificate? If you do, he has rights for custody...not full but visitation. Im sorry you have to go through this!

526SadieSadie · March 2013

Generally speaking, I feel that the child should have the last name of the mom if the parents are not together and the mom has primary or exclusive custody - particularly if the bio dad isn't involved. It doesn't sound like your ex deserves to have anything to do with your child unless he endures a major lifestyle change. I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

Jillian1118 · March 2013

My husbands last name is his moms married name from a previous marriage even though his dad was around she refused to give him a different last name then his brothers and sister. So now he carries a last name that has absolutely no meaning to him or his dad. I am pregnant with a boy and he will also carry someone else's last name just because his mom wanted them all to be the same. I guess I would personally give my children either their fathers name or my maiden name just because of that reason. Its a hard position to be in and make a decision that would affect them forever, but seeing my husband deal with it, its weirder to have someone else's name that they have so connection to.

CRLSMC2011 · March 2013

Your baby gets YOUR last name. The name you currently have which is what you see as your name even if it belonged to an ex. It's yours now.

My bigger concerns are how this father is going to interact with the baby, and what legal rights he will have in terms of custody and visitation. I would definitely chat with an attorney before putting his name on the birth certificate.

Sarra21 · March 2013

I am sorry. Addiction is a beast.
Give baby your name, regardless of where u got the name. I had my mothers maiden name, and having that surname, vs that of my father...a virtual stranger, also with substance abuse problems....gave me a solid dentity within the family that raised me; my mom, my maternal gp, etc.
Weigh the birth certificate thing, though. Yes, adding his name gives
him some access, but not adding it makes it more difficult to file for child support or for your child to collect death/pension benefits, etc. Its also just unsettling to look at that paper and not see a name. Having been that kid, my dirty lens reflects the wish that my mom had not tinkered with the truth about my origins/fathers family for her conveinence. Especially since he did become a wonderful dad to me in my adult years. Thats just me though; you know your situation best and should act accordingly.

tig594 · March 2013

It IS very tricky. The last name I grew up with was not from my own father, but my half-sister's dad. My bio father was also not listed on my birth certificate. I was born and raised in Michigan and my father was a Canadian my mom had a fling with.

LO's father will definitely be on her birth certificate. He's not getting out of paying child support. It's the very least he can do for her.

jennyshawn0808 · March 2013

I would give baby your last name. It doesn't matter that it is an ex's last name, it's YOURS now.

llbta85 · March 2013

DS' father has an addiction issue as well and I wasn't sure whether or not he would really stick around so he is not on the birth certificate and DS has my last name. Granted this is my maiden name. I have since remarried and kept my MN because DS has it. I agree that giving LO your ex-husband's last name is a little odd, but if you truly think you are going to never change your name I would go with that name. If I were you I would consider switching back to my MN and giving that to LO. Or heck you could even keep your ex-husband's last name and give LO your MN or another last name that has meaning (ie I considered giving DS my grandmother's MN because her family has completely died out). I will say having a different names in one family is pretty common these days so it shouldn't be an issue.

llbta85 · March 2013

CRLSMC2011:
Your baby gets YOUR last name. The name you currently have which is what you see as your name even if it belonged to an ex. It's yours now.

My bigger concerns are how this father is going to interact with the baby, and what legal rights he will have in terms of custody and visitation. I would definitely chat with an attorney before putting his name on the birth certificate.

In my state you aren't allowed to put someone on the birth certificate if you are not married. In other words since DS' father and I weren't married I and he wasn't there when I registered, I wasn't supposed to put him on it. FTR I didn't want him on it to begin with. I believe this also forces the child's father to establish paternity if he wants to establish a relationship with said child. But I agree speak with a family law specialist licensed in your state and see what they say.

llbta85 · March 2013

tig594:
It IS very tricky. The last name I grew up with was not from my own father, but my half-sister's dad. My bio father was also not listed on my birth certificate. I was born and raised in Michigan and my father was a Canadian my mom had a fling with.
LO's father will definitely be on her birth certificate. He's not getting out of paying child support. It's the very least he can do for her.

I could be wrong, but he doesn't need to be on the certificate to get a child support order. You just have to establish paternity, which can be done via a DNA test. But be careful, if you make more than he does you could end up having to pay him!

daniellelea1985 · March 2013

MommyLizzy:
Giving you LO your ex husbands last name is ridiculous. I would absolutely not do it. I would give your child your maiden name. If you really want the same last name as your LO you need to do the work and change your name back. Your child will have no connection to your ex husbands family, and a LN is a family name.
FWIW, if you don't want to change your name back (I honestly think you should) I have a different LN than my son, and its never been an issue. He has his fathers LN, and I'm remarried. No one ever questions it at all. It's an extremely common thing.

I agree with this too.

mbody · March 2013

If I were in your situation, I'd 100% give my LO my last name. No way, I'd be giving it to an ex-bf who most likely wouldn't be around.

love4b · March 2013

tig594:
It IS very tricky. The last name I grew up with was not from my own father, but my half-sister's dad. My bio father was also not listed on my birth certificate. I was born and raised in Michigan and my father was a Canadian my mom had a fling with.
LO's father will definitely be on her birth certificate. He's not getting out of paying child support. It's the very least he can do for her.

So you grew up with a last name you had no real familial connection to and now you're trying to decide whether or not to do the same thing to your daughter? I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it seems like whichever last name you choose, your daughter will have a last name that has no real family history for you or her.

What about using your mom's maiden name? Then, if you want to have the same last name as your daughter, you can go through the process of changing your last name as well. I know it's a hassle, but it at least gives you both a last name that has some kind of family history.

KarenBoschetti · March 2013

Wow he sounds exactly like my daughter's father! I struggled with this decision my entire pregnancy and finally decided to give her my name. Almost seven years later there hasn't been a day that has gone by where I wasn't completely happy with that decision! Don't stress about it, give her your name!

Spacebunny19 · March 2013

That is complicated! I can kind of relate in that I got married at 21, went to law school, became an attorney, practiced for a few years, then got divorced. At that point, I had been using my married name for all professional (and personal) aspects and opted not to go back to my maiden name (even though I liked it well enough and have a great relationship with my family). My decision was that I hoped to get married again (which I ultimately did) and didn't want to change my name and then change it again if I got married, and if I didn't remarry, it was *my* name at that point, too. Him divorcing me couldn't steal my name away.

But I didn't have kids at that point...and honestly if I had been in your situation, I would have probably gone through the hassle of going back to my maiden name, and give me and my LO that name. But...it was a maiden name that meant something, too.

In your situation, I do think you and LO should have the same last name because YOU are the only parent she'll have. If you've essentially adopted the last name of your ex as "yours", then she should have it, too. It's that or you both change your names to something from your side if there is a name you want to have, but it doesn't sound like there is a name on that side for you that really "trumps" your ex's name to the extent it would be worth it.

But you know what? There's no wrong way here. Do what you are comfortable with, and good luck.

duffmaker · March 2013

526SadieSadie:
Generally speaking, I feel that the child should have the last name of the mom if the parents are not together and the mom has primary or exclusive custody - particularly if the bio dad isn't involved. It doesn't sound like your ex deserves to have anything to do with your child unless he endures a major lifestyle change. I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

This exactly. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this BS

If you feel uneasy about giving LO your exs last name, maybe look back into changing back to your maiden name and then giving LO that... either way, you should both have the same last name. It really is a pain having different last names especially if you want to travel with LO, there is also a stigma attached (at least in my area, small towns) for both the mother and child if you're last names are different.

dande2129 · March 2013

MommyLizzy:
FWIW, if you don't want to change your name back (I honestly think you should) I have a different LN than my son, and its never been an issue.

Same here. Some people will call me/address things to me with his last name (like at his daycare) but I just politely correct them and that's the end of that.

HML5382 · March 2013

minxyglams:
So you grew up with a last name you had no real familial connection to and now you're trying to decide whether or not to do the same thing to your daughter? I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it seems like whichever last name you choose, your daughter will have a last name that has no real family history for you or her.
What about using your mom's maiden name? Then, if you want to have the same last name as your daughter, you can go through the process of changing your last name as well. I know it's a hassle, but it at least gives you both a last name that has some kind of family history.

These are my thoughts too. I think you should pick a name that does have significance to you, like your mom's maiden name or another family name you have connections with. Your ex's last name that you use now will not mean anything to her just like your half-sister's dad's name means nothing to you. If I were in your situation, I would change my name and use the same one for my LO. It might be a hassle, but once its done you will finally have a name that has significance to you that you can share with you daughter and other members of your family ancestry.

jkkg317 · March 2013

llbta85:
tig594:
It IS very tricky. The last name I grew up with was not from my own father, but my half-sister's dad. My bio father was also not listed on my birth certificate. I was born and raised in Michigan and my father was a Canadian my mom had a fling with.
LO's father will definitely be on her birth certificate. He's not getting out of paying child support. It's the very least he can do for her.
I could be wrong, but he doesn't need to be on the certificate to get a child support order. You just have to establish paternity, which can be done via a DNA test. But be careful, if you make more than he does you could end up having to pay him!

My step sister kept her sons father off of the birth certificate but when they did a paternity test the state put him on since it was proven that he was the father

Crequito · March 2013

I actually heard somewhere that in some states/jurisdictions if the parents aren't legally married then the baby has to have the mother's last name on the birth certificate. How true this is I have no idea.

I second everyone who has cautioned you from even putting the father's name on the birth certificate. I have no idea if you're legally required to do so, but if not listing him could prevent him from filing for custody or visitation it's worth it to look into.

Good luck and stay healthy.

Snapdragon750 · March 2013

Well, neither of the three options is ideal. Giving her ex-bf's last name is a bad idea for all the reasons mentioned. Giving her your ex husband's last name seems weird, and giving her your maiden name which you weren't even related to seems irrelevant to her.

So the only name she'd feel any connection to is yours, because she shares it with you. I guess the ideal situation is to change your name to something that's connected with your family somehow and give that name to her also, but if you just plain don't feel like going through yet another name change, I don't blame you. Just give her your name.

jennyandjasonsbaby · March 2013

SO and I are not married and it doesn't seem that there are any plans for us to marry, he was married once and had a terrible marriage that he tried to keep together for 10 years so he has a bad taste for marriage. That being said we are together and very much in love and happy, so our child will have my SO's last name, in some ways it bothers me that I won't have the same last name as my child, but nonetheless he will have my SO's last name.

kennazebrowsky · March 2013

MrsMommyofDom:
I would put LO last name as yours. Alcoholism is a sad but very long illness. Are you putting him on the birth certificate? If you do, he has rights for custody...not full but visitation. Im sorry you have to go through this!

I agree with this. Speaking from experience- my ex who is the father of my 2 kids ended up being a drug addict and we left. A few years later he overdosed. I wish I could go back and give the kids my last name. Even more so for my son, because there are no boys to continue the family line.

I have since gotten married and even contemplated changing their last name to my married name, but have not made any decisions yet

elizabethnseanny · March 2013

llbta85:
tig594:
It IS very tricky.  The last name I grew up with was not from my own father, but my half-sister's dad.  My bio father was also not listed on my birth certificate.  I was born and raised in Michigan and my father was a Canadian my mom had a fling with. 
LO's father will definitely be on her birth certificate. He's not getting out of paying child support. It's the very least he can do for her.
  I could be wrong, but he doesn't need to be on the certificate to get a child support order.  You just have to establish paternity, which can be done via a DNA test.  But be careful, if you make more than he does you could end up having to pay him! 

That is not true. You would only pay child support if he cares for the child more than half the time. Income only dictates how much of a percentage the non custodial parent has to pay.

guilletskichuk · March 2013

HML5382:
minxyglams:
So you grew up with a last name you had no real familial connection to and now you're trying to decide whether or not to do the same thing to your daughter? I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but it seems like whichever last name you choose, your daughter will have a last name that has no real family history for you or her.
What about using your mom's maiden name? Then, if you want to have the same last name as your daughter, you can go through the process of changing your last name as well. I know it's a hassle, but it at least gives you both a last name that has some kind of family history.
These are my thoughts too. I think you should pick a name that does have significance to you, like your mom's maiden name or another family name you have connections with. Your ex's last name that you use now will not mean anything to her just like your half-sister's dad's name means nothing to you. If I were in your situation, I would change my name and use the same one for my LO. It might be a hassle, but once its done you will finally have a name that has significance to you that you can share with you daughter and other members of your family ancestry.

I agree with all of this.

Sarra21 · March 2013

Changing your name is extremely hard when it does not correlate neatly to a marriage or divorce. I have a close friend who just did this and it involved lawyers and court dates...it's a mess, and now they have to do it all again with his son, because the change wasn't final before baby was born. It would be easy for OP to change her name to her original maiden name, but that name has no meaning and she clearly doesn't care for the name. Look, your name is yours, and regardless of how you got it and as long as you're not trying to tack the kid on to your ex (which you aren't, clearly) do what feels right. In the end, the person the kid needs to identify with is YOU, and if YOU are MS. XYZ then the kid will fare better being JR XYZ. Throw dad's name in as the middle name or a second middle name as due diligence and then the kid represents all who made him/her.

And who cares if it's weird. Be weird.

tig594 · March 2013

Wow! So many different opinions but so much to think about. Definitely not an easy decision and glad I still have some time to think about it. Thanks to all for your input. It's very helpful!

rm2013 · March 2013

I only see two options give the baby your current legal name or the fathers legal name. Since the dad is out, that leaves you. Apparently your current legal name is what you want to have, so go with it.

Changing your name back to a maiden name that wasn't even your true family name is what seems ridiculous to me.

notquiteblushing · March 2013

chgibeau:

I see no reason why you shouldn't give her your (current) last name. It your last name! And I totally understand why you (or anyone else) would keep your married name - I think it's normal.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. And note to the people who shared their totally irrelevant anecdotes: your anecdotes are totally irrelevant.

highlights · March 2013

A last name only has the meaning that you assign to it.

By that, I mean if you assign great importance to your daughter having your last name, then that has great meaning.

If your maiden name means nothing to you, then it means nothing to you. If you feel that her father's name really means nothing to your family, then it means nothing.

I think the outrage over giving your ex-husband's name to your daughter is completely unfounded. For one, its your last name now, and I think its ridiculous to expect you to change your name to one that really means nothing to you just so she won't have the same last name as your ex. Plently of un-related people have the same last name. Not all the Smiths in the world are related, kwim?

I would absolutely give her your current last name.

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