Single Parents
Coping w/ BD girlfriend...
Hi! I'm mostly a lurker but find myself in need of some advice. My STBXH left my DD and I when she was 4 months, she is now 9 mo. He has only seen her once a month under my supervision up until now due to not having a custody agreement. We have been going through a custody battle and we recently got a temporary custody order where he gets dd 1 day per week from 10am4pm. So my issue is coping with his girlfriendsame woman he had an affair with being with my dd and acting like she is trying to replace me as a mother. I know I can't be replaced as her mom but I can't help but feel this way and get defensive when he tells me that the gf says I can contact her when they have dd and how she will love my dd as much as I do.
If you could give me some advice on how to deal this I would greatly appreciate it!
If you could give me some advice on how to deal this I would greatly appreciate it!
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Re: Coping w/ BD girlfriend...
As much as the overall situation sucks, I'd embrace it. It can't hurt to have another person in your child's life that loves her.
This woman is not replacing you, especially not when they only have dd 6 hours per week. She will never love your child as much as you do, but it's a positive that she will love her! That doesn't make her a "second" mommy, it makes her daddys gf and that's it. I know it sucks, and emotions get in the way, but you don't want to ever negatively impact the relationship your child has with the other parent; and a serious relationship partner (the gf) is part of that.
I'm not saying be her new bff, but thank her for the kindness to your child, be civil, and leave it at that. Just be grateful that your stbxh is with someone who is loving and accepting of your child; it could be far worse. Imagine if she were someone who hated children, resented your child, and didn't want the child around. count your blessings.
Same thing happened to me. BD left me for his coworker and he is still with her 1.5 years later. It is not easy. It gets easier to accept as time goes by. You are the mother and no one can take that away from you. And especially if your child is only with them 1 day a week your child will be more attached to you. I know what you are going through. I have coped by going to counseling, taking anxiety meds, reading self help books. You have to accept that this is your situation and just try to make the best of it. In the long run it is better for your child to have a relationship with the BD and unfortunately this includes being around his GF.
And really there isn't anything you can do about it. I talked to my atty and he told me there is no way to get my DS to not be around her. The only way a court would rule for that is if the person was considered unsafe. For example, if they were a child abuser or something serious like that. Otherwise there isn't much you can do. However you do not need to talk to her. BD is the bio parent and he needs to communicate with you regarding your child. Oh hell no I would not talk to her.
My advice:
Punch her right in the face!
Not really, but I know you probably want to.
Can you hang out with her to see how she handles the baby? And maybe that would make you more comfortable? Maybe shes not totally unreasonable. The first response you got makes alot of sense. No One can replace you! With time you'll be more comfortable with the baby being gone for an entire day and maybe you can use this time for yourself? Do your nails, hang out with girlfriends!! Happy time for you : )
Im a big fan of counseling.. It helps tremendously. Big Hugs to you.
I would rather have a BD girlfriend say that she will love my daughter, rather than have one that hated kids altogether. I've been lucky, and most of my ex's girlfriends have been VERY good with my daughter. His current one isn't really a kid-friendly kind of person, but without a GF around, I can't imagine how BD would handle having DD for any length of time by himself without help.
Embrace it. And like another PP said, try to enjoy the time for yourself. It is nerve wracking at first to have your little one gone from you for any length of time, but after a while, I really looked forward to having every other weekend to myself to do stuff without having to worry about coming home to the baby. It's a welcome break, and probably the only positive thing about being a single mother; married couples have the kids 24/7 without a break like we get with visitation schedules. I know that kind of makes me sound selfish, but honestly, there's no sense stressing about it.