may be too soon to think of this, but I am a planner...

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2013

The CO has us with SS for 7 weeks this summer (yay!). DH is going to fly to him and then escort him back to our home in VA. CO states that SS will be escorted between visits by father or grandmother. That is the exact wording and in the past we have used my mother as well as MIL.

I know its still early in our pregnancy, and I'm trying not to get excited, but I'm trying to come up with a back up plan in case DH isnt able to escort back to BM. And by able, I don't mean bc work wont let him have the time off or bc we can't afford it. I mean it's close to our due date and bc of the travel time it would be 3-4 days away from me. I would hate to have my husband on the other side of the world when I go into labor. Our first option would be to have SS go back to BM early (not a big fan of that one) or ask our moms to do the escorting. MIL has expressed she cant bc she has prior engagements (plus using her in the past has backfired. Anyone remember two summers ago?) and my mom hasn't said yes and she hasn't said no either.

Is it too soon to bring up to BM that we may need to have an alternate way of getting SS home? She has stated in the past she is willing to be flexible in the wording. Or should we wait until SS is here to talk to her about it? I don't want to seem like we are pushing her into a corner by waiting. The biggest reason I was thinking of waiting is bc of our loss and bc if (and hopefully we do) we make it to 20w then we may have an even more accurate due date which may not effect the escorting situation in any way. We only have EDD bc I don't know the last date of AF.

BMs and SMs, please chime in. Thank you!

SimpleJane · March 2013

I would bring it up closer to that time, but still way before he's already with you guys. If my done were going to be halfway around the world from me I would like to know how he's getting home before he leaves.

Maybe she would let you guys take him a little early and return him a little early,so its not so close to the due date? You have plenty of advanced notice for DH to get some time off to fly with him I would think. I don't know how long it takes but maybe fly out on a Friday and be back by Sunday so it won't interfere with work so much?

fellesferie · March 2013

I understand your dilemma, and I think it's nice that you're trying to think ahead.

For me personally, I would want as much notice as possible. My SIL (who is also a planner) and I already have family vacation stuff penciled in for 2014 and 2016. I mention that just so you know what kind of person you're getting advice from, lol.

Personally--when I think of most normal people (ie, not me)--you would probably be fine to wait until you're 20 weeks. But if you want to give her a little more notice, I think you could try something like a "A family issue has come up, and I just wanted to let you know that we might ask for your flexibility with escorting SS back to you this summer. We don't have more details right this minute but I just wanted to give you as much notice as possible. We will definitely have more information to you by the end of April." And then follow up with more specific info around 20w.

Ilumine · March 2013

Wait until he gets there. Give it a week and then email her.

At the middle, you already know that your DH may have to be with SS flying him home. But at the best, BM will work with you.

But the worse could be BM denying you visits because she is concerned that you would try to send SS home without an accompanied adult. And to be honest....as a BM in this situation (DC to GUAM and a very young child who will have to do at least one plane change) I would start looking at that route.

I know that is not what you want to hear, but flying today is not like flying when we were kids. FA and other Air Line employees are over worked, underpaid and do not have the love of the job the way they did in the past. I would not trust them.

lb1212 · March 2013

I understand wanting to wait until 20w - and that would still give her roughly 20w. I'd ask if she would be willing to do the pick up. I'd try to finalize pick up plans before SS comes to your house. You may have to go with a different pick up date depending on BM's schedule. (Personally, I'd want my DH and my mom there when I go into labor and if BM is willing....) When it comes to SD, I like to see (in person) where BM lives. As a mom, I've offered the same to BM to come see our apt when we first moved in and I'll do the same for future moves. I'm not sure how friendly you are with your BM or how comfortable you'd be with her picking up SS in your home, but if you're not, you could pick some neutral ground in your city.

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2013

Ilumine:
Wait until he gets there. Give it a week and then email her.
At the middle, you already know that your DH may have to be with SS flying him home. But at the best, BM will work with you.
But the worse could be BM denying you visits because she is concerned that you would try to send SS home without an accompanied adult. And to be honest....as a BM in this situation (DC to GUAM and a very young child who will have to do at least one plane change) I would start looking at that route.
I know that is not what you want to hear, but flying today is not like flying when we were kids. FA and other Air Line employees are over worked, underpaid and do not have the love of the job the way they did in the past. I would not trust them.

We wont be suggesting or researching the unaccompanied option to BM. To us it is not an option not only bc the CO says no, but bc at this distance it is just too far. Perhaps if he was a teenager and we lived in Hawaii again with just one flight we MIGHT consider it, but right now no.

That is a good point of BM denying the visitation or even causing an issue about it. I don't want to be too vague right now and have her worry or have scenerios going on in her head for the next two months before he even gets here. In the past, when we have purchased the summer tickets in December we get a great deal, but then it gives BM six months to come up with reasons why SS shouldnt go.

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2013

lb1212:
I understand wanting to wait until 20w - and that would still give her roughly 20w. I'd ask if she would be willing to do the pick up. I'd try to finalize pick up plans before SS comes to your house. You may have to go with a different pick up date depending on BM's schedule. (Personally, I'd want my DH and my mom there when I go into labor and if BM is willing....) When it comes to SD, I like to see (in person) where BM lives. As a mom, I've offered the same to BM to come see our apt when we first moved in and I'll do the same for future moves. I'm not sure how friendly you are with your BM or how comfortable you'd be with her picking up SS in your home, but if you're not, you could pick some neutral ground in your city.

At this point in our relationship I wouldnt care if BM came to my home, but being inside or even staying there during the visit would be out of the question. BM doesnt let me in her mother's home bc she said it would be disrespectful. Not that I am dying to get into the place or anything, but I have done drop offs when we are in SS area. I think she would feel the same way about my home if thats how she feels about her home. I think BM would be willing to meet somewhere (we have talked about CA in the past) if we funded the trip and if she was able to get some time off.

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2013

SimpleJane:
I would bring it up closer to that time, but still way before he's already with you guys. If my done were going to be halfway around the world from me I would like to know how he's getting home before he leaves. Maybe she would let you guys take him a little early and return him a little early,so its not so close to the due date? You have plenty of advanced notice for DH to get some time off to fly with him I would think. I don't know how long it takes but maybe fly out on a Friday and be back by Sunday so it won't interfere with work so much?

DH is already planning on picking him up one week after his last day of school. BM has stated that she wants that one week for just them so she can spend time with him before he leaves for seven weeks. In the past she has taken time off work and they hold that time special. I don't know if she would be willing to give that up, but we may ask. Because of the time change in order for DH to leave on a Friday and be back on Sunday he would be flying 26-28 hours and landing at 6pm just to leave 12 hours later for the same 26-28 hour flight. Thats a lot of flying so DH would prefer to at least stay one day. Also, getting time off of work is not an issue in this case.

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2013

fellesferie:
I understand your dilemma, and I think it's nice that you're trying to think ahead.
For me personally, I would want as much notice as possible. My SIL (who is also a planner) and I already have family vacation stuff penciled in for 2014 and 2016. I mention that just so you know what kind of person you're getting advice from, lol.
Personally--when I think of most normal people (ie, not me)--you would probably be fine to wait until you're 20 weeks. But if you want to give her a little more notice, I think you could try something like a "A family issue has come up, and I just wanted to let you know that we might ask for your flexibility with escorting SS back to you this summer. We don't have more details right this minute but I just wanted to give you as much notice as possible. We will definitely have more information to you by the end of April." And then follow up with more specific info around 20w.

Thanks for the suggestion. She is aware of our loss and of this pregnancy so she may be more understanding to the situation.

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may be too soon to think of this, but I am a planner...

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