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Adoption
open or not
i dont really know whether i want an open or closed adoption.... just my whole situation is really complicated and i dont know if the kid would understand and i dont know like if the adoptive parents would like be supportive of me and my life or not. i really would like to know the kid and i know my SO would too but i feel like maybe it would be too confusing.
does anybody have any advice for me?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: open or not
Hi.... It sounds like you are expectant mom looking to make an adoption plan? (Sorry if you shared your story here already...and I missed it.)
In a nutshell-- the trend that resonated with me to have open adoptions is to help the child in the long run understand his or her identity and roots so that there's not a fantasy created around it. For example, a child who knows that his birth mom is in prison will never sit around and assume that she's a princess in a far off state (exaggeration but you get my point.) (FWIW this is the situation of my youngest daughter... and we are okay w/it.)
Also understand that open can look lots of different ways. By definition (according to Bruce Rappaport, PhD from The Open Adoption Book)-- an open adoption is one where the birth mom makes a choice who to place her child with (or chooses not to make that choice) and all of the triad knows the names of the other parts of the triads. No sealed envelopes.
So you can create what makes sense to you.... and you can find APs that are comfortable with your situation. Don't be afraid... we all come to the table with pasts and issues... but through honesty and trust relationships can be formed.
yeah i'm pregnant.
i understand that, i dont think i could place the baby in a home i didnt know... just like with visits and pictures and calls and stuff i'm not sure about....
Good luck with your decision. Post often!
i have spoken with an agency. i guess asking can't hurt anything...
i have spoken with an agency. i guess asking can't hurt anything...
Not at all! It may give you the insight you need to feel comfortable.
I think the closer you get to delivering your baby and depending on the family you choice, you will know more of what you want. A lot of times in the beginning the birth mom wants some space and will contact the family when she feels comfortable enough to receive pictures/updates. I think it is something that will come along with the experience...as you go sort of thing. Otherwise some people just know they want a totally open adoption or totally closed.
I don't have advice but I can share a little about my own situation.
I'm in my 30's and have a wonderful little girl who has lived with a family member for almost 5 years. I was terminally ill and trapped in a horribly abusive situation when she was very little. I had to take her and run away in order to save her life, then place her with family, as it seemed certain that I was going to die. Over the next couple years I actually made a full recovery, but since she had lived with my family members for so long she now came to think of them as her family and call them mom and dad. They had put her in trauma therapy to help her over the abuse she suffered from her father and that she saw me suffer at his hands, gotten her involved in a great sunday school at their church, surrounded her with loving people who all cared so deeply for her and were very protective of her. Overall, it was the best thing for her to stay with them.
Finally I told them I want them to adopt her, because I could see how she was thriving and as a parent I wanted the very best for her, even if that meant she wasn't with me. It was the hardest choice of my life. After almost 5 years of her living with my family members we are finally starting the adoption process. She knows me as her birth mother, the person who gave her life. She loves me for that and we talk on the phone all the time, plus I visit with her and send her gifts. But her other mom is the one who makes her breakfast and snuggles on the sofa and reads to her, and tucks her in.
My role has become that of an auntie. I'm fine with that because it gives me the opportunity to still be a part of her life and watch her grow and blossom as a person. But I also know that she has had a better life than I would have been able to provide her during those years that I was sick and living in hiding for fear of the psycho man I ran away from finding and killing me. She is strong, happy, smart, healthy and kindhearted. She is surrounded by people who would do anything for her. And I get to share that and feel confident that I did the right thing by giving her the best life possible.
We have an open adoption with our daughter's birthmom and some of her immediate family. We are so glad that we do. Our daughter will always know who her birthmom is (and some of her other family members.) She can always talk to her. We have information written down (medical stuff, family tree stuff, etc.) but DD will be able to directly talk to her birthmom about it, too.
Our hope is that DD will always know where she came from, how much she is loved by ALL of us - her adoptive family as well as her birthfamily, and that she will be able to get answers to her questions. She and her birthmom will be able to have a relationship. Our DD's birthmom can call/text/email us and visit - she can see Zoe, get to know her as she grows up, and know that she's loved and cared for so much.
As far as it being confusing, we just explain who her birthmom is on a 3 year old level. As she gets older, we'll explain more. I don't think it's confusing. Lots of families have lots of family members, you know? Everyone plays a different role.
Open adoption can have hard moments, but it's been a wonderful thing for our family, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I agree with the other posters that if you are thinking about and still unsure, try to talk to an agency and speak with birthmoms who have placed their babies and have different levels of openness. It might help with your decision making.
Best of luck to you.
I gave twins up 13 years ago and it was the best decision I have ever made. Having said that here is what I did.
I went through an agency and I chose to do a semi-open adoption. This meant I gave my case worker a list of things I thought were important, then she found profiles that matched (ish). I chose the family and then met them before the twins were born. I was the one to place the twins into their arms.
Per the agreement I didn't take any picture of the Aparents faces and I do not have their address or phone number. After the twins went home with them we continued communication through letters and pic filtered through the agency. The agreement said 5 years but was the cut off because we both agreed to stop at 3 years (that just seemed to be right for both families).
Doing it this way allowed a peace of mind for me (I can't say for the Aparents but it seemed to work very well for them too). I was able to see how well they were loved and taken care of. It also allowed me to tell them in writting how much I loved them and why I chose adoption for them. At the same time it gave a closure date. I knew for me seeing the twins I would grow attached in a way that would be extremely difficult to let go of but letters and picture allowed me and my parents who were a big support to be comfortable saying goodbye.
I hope this helps you and I am happy to answer any questions you have for me.
I was adopted under a closed records law in my state, so I did not know who my birthparents were until I an adult and actually started searching on my own. It was the law in Wisconsin then, so there was little choice in the matter like there is now.
Open adoptions sound weird to me as a result, although I can totally see the appeal for them. I look at my mother, and there is no way in h*ll that she would have had my birthparents involved in my life, but again, it was a different time then. Looking back, my situation was so unique that I do not know if that was something that would have worked. It did make it harder to find things out about my birthfamily until I did search and my BP's granted permission to the state to give out identifying info.
If I was given the chance today, and it was a planned, open adoption with interaction between two families, I would be intrigued by it. But even today, as a parent, if we were to adopt, I would not want it to be an open adoption because of my own experience with being adopted in a closed record adoption. But that is just me, personally, and it is not a judgement on the pros or cons of an open adoption.
I never think of myself as being adopted, and I like it that way, since I have two parents that I love with all of my heart. And my parents have never treated me like I was adopted, to the point that they are offended if people preface my life with my family by putting the "adopted" label on me. I wonder if I would feel differently about it if I had had my BP's involved in my life this whole time. I hate to think that I would, but that is because of my own experience with my adoption.
But I do not think there is anything worng with an open adoption.