Bedime troubles with 3.5-year-old - HELP!!!

acia · March 2013

My daughter was a pretty awful sleeper until she was about 2.5.... We had various issues at every age, including constant night-wakings (10-12 times a night), early rising (4.30 am), and ridiculous stalling at bedtime.

Then when she was 2.5 we moved her to big girl bed, bought one of those sun-clocks, and established new "rules" that went with the new bed that meant she went to bed on her own and stayed in bed until the sun was "awake." This worked great, and aside from nightmares and ear infections, she slept right through the night, 11 hours straight no problem.

Until now.

A couple weeks ago, she started stalling more at bedtime. She always did the need to pee, hungry, one more hug thing - which was fine because it only took a few minutes and then she'd go to bed - but she started stalling more. Like really not letting us leave, getting anxious when we'd leave and started freaking out, crying, screaming, panicking. If we just closed the door and left her (which I had to a few times to tend to the baby) she totally lost it.

We've tried multiple nightlights, leaving music on, leaving the door open, but it still wasn't enough. I've tried giving her a special stuffed animal to cuddle. We tried sticker charts. But she kept saying she just "missed me so much" when I left, and proceeded to freak out every time we'd leave her.

So for the last week, either my husband or myself has had to lie with her while she falls asleep, which usually takes 45 minutes to an hour.

And even that wasn't that big of a deal - I figured maybe she was going through a phase and just wanted that extra comfort at night, so as much as it was a pain, I figured we'd just do that until she grew out of it.

But then last night, sh!t hit the fan. She fell asleep with my husband in the room, but then woke up about 8 times through the night, crying and screaming that she wanted me and missed me and didn't want to be alone. And I'm sorry, but this mama just can't do 8 wake-ups plus the baby's wake-ups. I am a zombie today.

I can't stay with her all night because the baby frequently needs tending in the middle of the night and I can't hear her from my older daughter's room. And she doesn't sleep AT ALL in our bed (it's just play time for her) so the family bed is out of the question. My husband can't help at night since he works full-time at a demanding job (I'm a SAHM).

Sorry, I know this got long, and thanks to anyone who got this far..... But I'm at such a loss. I really thought we were done with the sleep issues and now this. I don't want to just leave her to cry, obviously, since that's not my style and would be counter productive if she anxious about being alone. I've tried talking to her, reasoning with her, explaining to her why she needs to sleep in her own bed and why I need to sleep in my own bed. She just keeps saying she misses me so much.

Any suggestions? Thoughts? Advice? Anyone else been through this?

TiffanyBerry · March 2013

If a family bed is out (and I understand that!) what about having a floor bed for her in your room?

One other suggestion: What about a two way monitor for her room? Then she can talk to you and you can talk right back to her. Then, perhaps, she'll know that you're always available, even if you're not physically present?

acia · March 2013

TiffanyBerry:
If a family bed is out (and I understand that!) what about having a floor bed for her in your room?
One other suggestion: What about a two way monitor for her room? Then she can talk to you and you can talk right back to her. Then, perhaps, she'll know that you're always available, even if you're not physically present?

We actually have a two-way video monitor in her room, and we tried that.... but it doesn't settle her - she just starts chatting away - and in the middle of the night she can't be calmed easily and just wants us with her physically!

As for the floor bed, it's just hard because she'll get woken up multiple times a night from the baby - she's a super light sleeper (as am I) and cosleeping never worked for us (we did it for the first year). I just feel like we're so far from where we were a month ago and have no idea how to get back on track!

RioG1978 · March 2013

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I noticed you're from London. I live just outside of London.

Best of luck... I fully anticipate this being us not so far down the road.

aglenn · March 2013

We haven't had this same issue yet, but I will say that three has been a tough age for DD in general and dealing with her new sibling has certainly magnified everything. She does some bedtime stalling but her main modes of acting out center around defiance, mouthiness, and aggression towards DS. I notice that her behavior tends to kind of flare up when DS hits a milestone (crawling, walking, etc.), and based on your little one's age I wonder if maybe something like that is going on? In our case it seems like DD gets very insecure around these times and needs lots of extra reassurance. Maybe some extra one-on-one time in the evenings could help? Or doing something special with your older DD when the younger one is napping?

CafeRed · March 2013

I feel your pain! My son used to be an incredibly light sleeper, so I understand how difficult it can be to keep a toddler asleep throughout the night.

As far as getting her to go to sleep initially, I have found that a peaceful window of time spent winding down before bedtime sometimes helps. You might try turning the TV off for awhile, speaking quietly, dimming the lights in the house, etc. Also, I'm not sure if you pray or not, but bedtime prayers, and even quietly singing a couple of songs before bed might help her feel more comfortable and less afraid. I know what works for one child doesn't always work for another, but I just wanted to share what has worked in my household.

My thought and prayers are with you, my friend. Hang in there!

jillianmb · March 2013

Since it sounds like she's getting so worked up, I would suggest trying essential oils to help calm her down. Lavender oil mixed with water, sprayed above her bed is an easy one. I use lavender and geranium in my son's bath once and a while and it works wonders to relax him. Just a couple drops.

I second the pp who said you can try talk to her about it. I would also recommend the book "the kissing hand" which is about a raccoon (haha) who is nervous about leaving his mom to go to school. She gives him a kiss in the palm of his hand and tells him every time he feels nervous or misses her, he can press the "kiss" into his cheek and it will help him feel better. Might be an easy coping mechanism to give you daughter as she learns how to deal with her anxiety.

Hope this phase passes quickly!

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Bedime troubles with 3.5-year-old - HELP!!!

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