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Just looking for advice and support...

AlyssaLee17AlyssaLee17
in Single Parents
I am almost 13 weeks pregnant and going through a really tough time as most of us here probably are. My story is complicated; my BD and I had only known each other for a few months before getting pregnant. We were broken up when I found out because, while I was away finishing my schooling, he was at home engaging in routine alcohol abuse which didn't seem to come to light until after his friends did an intervention when I was away which I jumpstarted. As I looked back and analyzed, I discovered all of the tell tale signs which are so hard to see in our mid 20's when having drinks is seemingly commonplace...until disastrous. He has always been emotionally unstable and would get into fit of rages when we would be out casually drinking with friends and sometimes even when he would be sober and just feel lack of attention and affections, which he needs 24/7 from me. He finally agreed to get counseling which he did on his own a couple of times but he yo-yo's back in forth on everything and did not make it two weeks without a drink in which I found out he has lied about and, therefore, drinking again. He does not feel that it is a problem. I have since moved back home and agreed to help him by attending counseling with him. I wake up drained each day; I had a very sick first trimester and still have the symptoms but luckily they are diminishing. Nevertheless, I wake up and find it hard to get out of bed for fear of what is facing me on the given day with him...what will he find wrong and get emotionally erratic about today. I'm starting to think he has borderline personality disorder on top of substance abuse problems. I just am so overwhelmed. I grew up Catholic and I pictured me having a well put together family which I am trying to make happen but how far can I go to sacrifice my happiness? I'm so afraid of the future but so blessed for this child growing within me...Any advice is welcome...
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Re: Just looking for advice and support...

  • SheenafontenotSheenafontenot member
    I understand where you're coming from and I know you feel a need to fix this situation but he needs help and it's great he is taking the steps to get help but he needs to do it alone. He needs to understand the stress this is putting you through. I would tell him he has until the baby is born to get his life together, otherwise you will have to have a life without him. Imagine if this continues and you add a child to the mix. It's not fair for you or this baby. He needs to know what's on the line. I wish the best of luck. It's hard to walk away from someone who needs you but he may never improve if you don't and you need to put yourself and your baby first.
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  • vintagebride2010vintagebride2010
    My stbxh was the kind of guy that needed 24/7 attention and affection and when our baby was born and my attention shifted to her everything fell apart and he had an affair. There are some things you just can't change and that is one of them. It is great he is going to counseling but he needs to get himself worked out before he can be there for you. You have to put you and your baby first and the added stress of his negative behavior is not good for you. It sounds like he is possibly unpredictable with his behavior and you have to consider if that is what you want to keep dealing with because you will also be putting your child in that situation. Best of luck...I know it's tough but do what is best for you.
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  • pregokatpregokat member

    I completely understand where you are coming from, I have been the "savior" in relationships before- In my experience, it never works out. 

    He needs to do it himself if he wants to stay sober. Nothing you can do will make him stay sober, it's all up to him.

    With that being said. You need to take care of yourself while you're pregnant. You need to be as healthy and happy as possible, your stress levels can affect the pregnancy negatively.

    You are the only one who knows the answer to "how far you can go". I think you probably know deep down inside what you should do about this situation.

    I always had a gut feeling that 'this wont work out' but I always hoped, and hoped, and prayed, and tried, and spent so much energy and time trying to help the other person, when it was all in vain... and after looking at it now that its over, I tell myself "i should have listened to my gut instinct"

    I hope whatever you do, it turns out good for you!

    Please, take care of yourself for the baby!  

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  • AlyssaLee17AlyssaLee17
    Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I find myself questioning the situation so much I fail to take the correct action which you have all just justified...I have to let him do this on his own to show whether he truly wants help or not. He says when I talk like that it is like I'm threatening him but I can not sacrifice my child's safety or mine for that matter. Sometimes you just need to walk away and know that it's not weakness, it is extreme strength. Thank you all so much again and God bless.
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  • PrincessFiona9PrincessFiona9 member

    You can't fix him. You've got to focus on preparing for LO making sure you and LO will have everything you need. If he wants to change then he will need to take those steps himself.

    Believe me, my EX (DD's bio father) is an alcoholic and having him around make my pregnancy and DD's early life way harder, more stressful, etc. I was so much happier when I decided to take the advice I gave above.

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