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twister22
member
The never ending schedule changes
twister22
member
Per the CO, BD is supposed to have DS EOWE (well, technically EO Thursday at 5 p.m. - Saturday at 5 p.m.) I cannot remember the last time we did this.
Last August at the end of the month BD said he wanted DS for 3 days every 3 weeks, because at the time XGF/BM2 was allowing him to take their DD every 3rd week. I said fine. That lasted about a month and a half.
Then in October XGF/BM2 said that BD could only have their DD EOW from Monday at 12 p.m. to Wednesday at 12 p.m. (BD works evenings as a pizza delivery driver and has off Mondays & Tuesdays) So BD said he wanted DS EOW from Monday at 3 p.m. to Wednesday at 9 a.m.. (XGF/BM2 lives 3 hours away with their DD, so he was p/u DS after getting back from picking up his DD, and d/o DS before dropping off his DD.) Again, I said that was fine.
Then XGF/BM2 wouldn't let BD see their DD, so in November BD wanted to do EOW Monday at 3:00 p.m. to Wednesday at 3:00 p.m. Again, I said fine.
December, by choice, he saw DS for less than 24 hours, claiming he wanted to give my family time together with my DD. She was born mid month. He could have taken DS before, and I said he could still take DS after, that wasn't a problem. He choose not to, I'm not sure why.
January he did what we did in November.
February he said he wanted to see DS more frequently, and requested two weeks on one week off, seeing DS Monday-Tueday. I said fine. The times were Monday at 11:30 a.m. - Tuesday at 8:30 p.m.
And then he calls today. Says he got a new job at a factory working 3rd shift. He has four weeks of training where he works typical hours, and then his schedule will be something crazy like 2 days working, 2 days off, 2 days working, 3 days off. I'm not completely sure, he says he has papers that lay it all out and I could have a copy of it. He asked if I would work around his work schedule with DS. I said sure.
Oh, and since having the CO, BD has lived with his parents. He said his mom kicked him out, so he's staying at a mutual friends' parents' house, and wanted to see if it was okay if DS stayed there with him for the next visit. After asking what the sleeping arrangement was, I said sure.
My. Goodness. I hope, that maybe, one day, BD will be a little more consistent and stable.
I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading. I would give you a virtual cookie, but I'm not very tech-savvy and am not sure how.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The never ending schedule changes
I applaud you for trying to work with BD so that he can have both his children at the same time. It's admirable and many people wouldn't be willing to do as much as you've done. But now it's time to stop.
Unless and until BD gets some sort of CO with his ex regarding his visitation with his daughter, it's not fair to you or DS to keep rearranging things. Kids need a schedule. They thrive on structure. Your child needs some sort of stable routine and this back and forth nonsense is going to eventually lead to some behavior problems.
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Then again, I get bent out of shape when SO has to give up a visit because he can only make plans during that time for something and he sees the kids 99.99999 of his scheduled time.
DS hasn't seen his sister from BD since 12/23 for a short overnight visit, because that's the last time BD saw her. So as of late it's been accommodating his work schedule, then making visits more frequent. Now that he has some crazy job schedule I'm not sure how things will work out. I think I'll understand more once I see the schedule on paper. BD said he filed for court with XGF/BM2, and he's going for 50/50 with him being the primary caregiver. I'm not sure what will end up happening as not only does his DD reside in a different county, but a different state as well. Apparently BD's lawyer is confident he will get 50/50, especially because XGF/BM2 has been keeping DD from him and he's documented it all. We'll see.
At this point it's about doing what's best for DS. BD is a bit unstable, he's immature, and his priorities are a bit screwed up, but he loves DS and DS loves him. DS loves seeing his dad. He may come home a mess and his schedule screwed up, but we clean him up a deal with a grumpy DS for 24ish hours. I feel like if DS is able to have a good relationship with his dad, then it's worth it, you know?
I know DS needs consistency, so I'm going to try to keep things as consistent as possible with BD's new job and the schedule with DS. DS is very scheduled at our house, and BD said last night he wants DS on that schedule with him too. We plan to sit down and discuss things, so we'll see.
I know that enough is enough. I'm going to work with BD on the schedule with his new job, because I think that's to be expected. If he asks for schedule changes again for other reasons, I'm prepared to tell him that we haven't had the same schedule for more than a month and enough is enough.
I just never want BD to be able to tell DS that I kept him from him. I want DS to have a real relationship with his dad, and for any opinions DS forms of BD for them to be formed on his own from experience.
How old is your DS? Because honestly, as soon as primary school started, I would put a nix on this.
Kids THRIVE on predictability in their homes because life is full of new things and changes.
I would go so far as to get the CO modified to allow weekend visits only. I am totally honest when I say, I would rather loose my weekends with DD then to screw with her school days/nights.
DS is 4, and starts PreK this fall. If he's in the AM class BD plans to get off work, sleep until it's time to pick DS up from school, and then p/u DS and spend time with him. Then drop him off with me before BD goes back to work, and then do the same thing the next day. With this schedule, DS's sleeping schedule shouldn't be messed with. I'm not sure how things will work when DS is in school full time. I'm just trying my best to accommodate BD's schedule.
BD plans to keep his pizza delivery job for the weekends, so it still doesn't seem like he could take DS EOWE. Sigh.
I think it sounds like you are doing a.wonderful job. And yes, I can see how this would be frustrating, but all the more reason to get some support and a pat on the back for doing what you have done.
Just be careful not to be a doormat.