First time on this board - need advice on how to handle DS friend issue
*sparky*
member
DS is in 2nd grade and has been going to the same school since he was 3. There is a boy he has been friends with since the first year - when they were in pre-4 they were BFF's.
They definitely have become different as they have grown, and I think ultimately they will not end up being lifelong friends - they just have different personalities and interests. They still go to the playground together after school a lot, with other kids as well, and I have seen some bad behavior from this kid. Like he pushes other kids around and says mean things and then if someone tells on him, he starts crying and lies about what happens and blames it on the other kid. He has done this to my DS and my DS gets extremely upset about his friend lying to get him in trouble. They usually end up working it out in the end.
SO this morning this boy's mom sends me a text saying that her DS came home Friday with muddy pants and he told her that my DS kicked him in the butt and shoved him to the ground and said mean things to him. I was walking with them at the time (the other boy's mom was not there) and I know 100% that did not happen. Based on past events, my guess is that her DS told her this story so he would not get in trouble for coming home with muddy clothes. Her DS also apparently told her he doesn't want to be friends with my DS anymore.
Anyway, I am annoyed that she sends me a text about this - this is not something to discuss via text IMO. Also, she wants us to sit them down together so they can talk it out and be friends but I don't want to make my DS be friends with a kid who would make up things like this about him. My DS has also told me that this boy has called him a stupid idiot and other things, and that he is mean to other kids in school too.
Whenever DS has a friend issue, I talk to him about it, but for the most part I want him to work things out on his own. He has said to me already he does not want to be friends with this boy anymore, and I told him they may not end up being friends but he has to be nice because they are in school together.
So how would you handle this? Would you talk to the mom? Would you try to let the kids work things out on the own, or even come to terms with the fact that they may not be friends anymore? I have no intention of telling her that her DS is a liar or mean, but at the same time I don't want my DS taking all the heat for this when this other boy is not totally innocent as he is portraying to him mom.
Re: First time on this board - need advice on how to handle DS friend issue
That is good advice. However, I should have added that the mom and I have been friendly since our kids have been friends for 4 years now, so we chat after school get the boys together outside of school and hang out together, etc. I am supposed to go to a social event with her and a group of other moms this Friday as well. So if I try to get the teacher involved, that will not end well at all. I know she is trying to have us get the kids together so they can be friends and she has good intentions - I just don't think our kids are going to end up being friends in the long run.
I definitely would clear up the pants issue...I would say something like..."I'm a bit puzzled regarding your son's pants being muddy since I walked out with both of them after school and his pants weren't muddy at that time. I know I would have noticed that." Why should your son take the heat for something he didn't do.
As for the boys, I have always told my chidlren that they don't have to be friends with everyone(friends come and go) BUT there is no excuse for being mean to someone you don't want to be friends with. You can be polite and say "hi", "bye", you can play together in a group of other kids but under no circumstances are you ever to be mean.
Just because your children aren't BFF's doesn't mean you can't continue a relationship with the mother. If she wants a playdate I would either have one at a public place, bowling, park and also invite other kids that are friends with both of them.
That is great advice - thanks to both of you. I will definitely talk to DS tonight to get his story of how things are going with this friend and also talk to him about being nice to each other even if they are not BFF's anymore. I do think the mom does not see it - her DS really is not a bully, although it may seem like that from what I have written.
I think it is more that he is manipulative and does not care about lying about his friends in order to keep from getting in trouble himself. I have seen him have some serious screaming, crying temper tantrums over nothing in order to distract from what really happened - which at age 4 seemed somewhat normal but now that they are almost 8, not so much.
I think having any future playdates in a group setting, and in public, is good advice too. I will talk to the mom once I talk to DS and get his side of things.
I would tell the mother that I was with my son and your son from this time to this time and when you last left her son, he was not muddy therefore was not pushed. Perhaps, start making a little distance between the two kids and encouraging other friendships.
Unless it happened during school hours in school (or the property), I see no reason for the teacher to be involved.
-auntie-: Great advice - thank you! Yes, another mom, who I also know, picked up her DS that day. This mom even told me (via text) that she checked with that mom and that mom also told her she did not see anything happen.
I talked to my DS last night, and he really does not want to be friends with this other boy anymore, but he is afraid that if he is not, the boy will be mean to him and it will cause issues for him at school. I wrote the mom and said that I really don't think we should do this via text, and that we can talk later in the week. I also said that honestly nothing at all happened between the boys that day and they were together for less than 5 minutes.
She texted me back that her DS was adamant that it happened (remember she has now had two adults tell her it did not) and wrote some other things that my DS supposedly did that she is upset about. So now I am pissed and waiting to respond until I calm down and will just tell her we can talk this out in person. I am not engaging in a text war.
Her DS is going to a different school next year, so I really just need to deal with this for the remainder of the year. We have not done any one-on-one playdates for some time now, but we need the boys to be able to be civil to each other in school and other group settings. The problem is, I don't think she will ever see that her DS is part of the problem and it will be all about what a mean kid my DS is.
Depending on how our conversation goes, then I will decide if I need to address it with the teacher and then it will be easy to make sure they keep their distance at school.
You are also correct about this boy not really having other friends. My DS has a few other friends in their class, who he spends a lot more time with, and I think all of this started with her DS getting upset and jealous about that, because the other boys don't want to hang out with him either.
This is a red flag, and I agree with you that I would not try to pressure my kid to make up and be friends with a child who exhibits this type of behavior on a regular basis. Once is one thing; all kids have that moment where they behave badly. But if it is happening regularly it can be a sign of trouble at home, or other issues that I would not want to expose my child to. If you decide to talk with his mom I would make a list of talking points so the conversation stays on track with how you are concerned about the constant behavior problems her kid exhibits, and not focus solely on the one incident mentioned. Mention that you were a witness to the incident and have witnessed others as well, so she knows she is getting reliable testimony and not just hearsay.
Edit:
Just read your other responses and more than ever I support them not being friends, esp since other mom is fully aware of her kid's lying (via other moms' input) and still maintains the 'everyone is picking on my kid' routine. Eric Cartman, anyone?? Parenting like that creates unhealthy expectations and behaviors in kids that can lead to violent aggression or self-sabotaging behavior and 'Martyrdom' as they get older. The kids are at an age where children who present socially anomalous behavior will begin to be excluded from groups and activities quite naturally by other kids; sounds like this is already happening.
I hope that mom comes around soon and helps her child develop healthy social interaction skills.
I just noticed that there were still people responding to this so I thought I would give a follow-up. The mom insisted that we get the two boys together after school to talk things out and wanted us to be present as well. She did not believe us that my son did not push her son down and tried to focus the whole thing on what my son has done to hers. Meanwhile, her son was trying to get out of the conversation the whole time and did not want to say anything, I think because he felt uncomfortable that we knew he was lying. So she did most of the talking for him. I tried to calmly disagree with what she was saying, but I was so PO'd about the whole situation.
Then she said she wanted us to talk to the teacher about it and ask her to keep an eye on the two of them in case there were any more incidents. I told her she could feel free to talk to the teacher if she felt it was necessary but that I did not feel it was needed and would not be a part of it. I know if she did talk to the teacher she wold have told her she was way off base because they have not had any incidents at school whatsoever. My son, for the most part, just avoids her son this year.
My son was pretty upset about how the whole thing went down because her son denied doing anything mean to him, insisted that my son pushed him down and kicked him, etc. But we talked it through and he has been okay since then. He is not really friends with this boy at all anymore, and one day they have been at the park at the same time and played for a little while but that's about it.
The other boy is going to a different school next year so I don't have to deal with them much longer. The mom has not caused anymore issues and I don't think she ever talked to the teacher because I did not hear anything more about it.
Thanks for all of the advice - I really think this will work itself out by these two just not being friends anymore. None of the drama from this mother was necessary whatsoever but she truly believes that her son has been mistreated and that "he never lies about anything".
She has caused drama about other incidents before with other people, so the fact that this happened with her is not all that shocking.
**First time lurker posting**
Thank you for the follow up. I'm glad this boy will not be a problem to your son much longer. You seemed to have handled it very well. Good job, Mom!