Intro/NICU guilt?

PinkRoses53 · March 2013

Hi all!

I was due 3/26 and had my son last Tuesday, on 2/26 under emergency conditions. I didn't feel him move all day so I went to the dr who sent me for a nst. About 5 min into the nst, a dr came rushing in and told me we were going to l/d immedietly to take the baby out via c-section. The whole birth experience was a whirlwind--my H was away on business and missed the birth and having an emergency c-section with people running around you to get you into surgery asap was the scariest thing I have ever experienced.

Thank goodness, my son was born alive and didn't need breathting assistance but he has been in the nicu since Tuesday. Turns out, his cord was wrapped around his neck twice, leg and body. . Although he was born at 36 weeks, he was the size of a 34 weeker at 4lbs 11oz. Also, at my appt that day, my belly was measuring 34 weeks--the same size as at my appt 2 weeks before when I was right on track. I have no idea why he stopped growing in those 2 weeks.

My dr and all the nurses at the hospital have emphasized to me that I saved his life. However, I have found myself being really emotional and feeling guilty about what I could have done to catch it earlier. I wonder if I did something in those 2 weeks to cause him to stop growing and I just feel such immense guilt. When I think about the birth, I just get so sad about how scary and traumatic it was and I usually end up crying. I worry about the future...if he suffered some type of damage for being deprived of oxygen and nutrients.

Anyone else feel this type of guilt after their baby was born? If so, how long did it take to pass? Will it get better once he is home with me? I imagined this to be such a happy time in my life and while it is amazing being with him in the nicu, I find myself sad that he is there and not still in my belly where he should be.

LnR70707 · March 2013

Welcome! I am sorry you are feeling guilty, but as BK already said, I think most of us do at one point. DS was born at 34w6days....I had been monitored in triage for a blood pressure spike 2 days before being admitted to L&D at 4cm and 80% effaced. I still question if it would have made a difference if I'd demanded a cervical check then or if I'd called the doctor as soon as something felt off, rather than thinking it was constipation related. For me, the initial guilt improved after we passed his EDD, until that point I constantly thought to myself that he should still be inside. It will get better.

chiogirl02 · March 2013

I read this board all the time because my baby was a premie but this is the first time I have posted. I felt the same when my son was born. He was born at 36 weeks and weighed exactly the same at 4lbs 11ounces. He was born healthy and thankfully didn't need nicu. I went into labor at 26 weeks though. I was having contractions, dilated and effaced. Spent a week in the hospital worrying about what I had done wrong to cause my body to go into labor early. I was discharged and thankfully carried my baby to 36 weeks even though I experienced contractions. further effacement and dilation during the 10 weeks including weekly nst test.

What you feel is normal and it will go away. But sometimes it will come back. My baby got bacterial meningitis at 4 months old and spent 10 days in the hospital and I kept thinking to myself that had he stayed full term he wouldn't have gotten so sick. When he got diagnosed with severe asthma, I did the same thing.

You just have to remember that everything happens for a reason. You did save your baby that day because a mother always knows best. It may not have been the delivery you had planned and hoped for but be thankful that your baby is here and well.

Praying you for you and your baby!

kelkel09 · March 2013

Welcome and Congrats on your little boy!

I am so sorry you had to go through such a scary birth experience. I know the feeling and don't wish it on anyone Feeling guilt is totally normal...I think all of us preemie or NICU moms have felt that at some point even though it's totally no your fault at all! You did everything you were supposed to and saved your little boys life!!

Best wishes to you!

zmoss · March 2013

PinkRoses! First of all, congratulations on the birth of your son. Second, although you did not have the birth experience you envisioned (most of us on this board know what you mean) just think of the awesome mommy intuition that led you to literally SAVE your son's life!

Just reading your post I think its amazing! I think that you are super blessed to not only follow your gut, but to have the courage to get through it like you did.

I'm sure that like many of us (from my own experience--water broke no reason at 31w 5 days, followed by hospital bedrest and I was induced at 34 weeks) it WILL take time to deal with the fear and trauma associated with the birth--but it helps to do what you are doing and talk to others in the same boat.

My LO was in NICU for 3 weeks. It was very hard, but it helped to remind myself that he was being cared for 24 hours and safe and sound!

If you have any other questions please keep posting and always feel free to PM me!

PinkRoses53 · March 2013

Thanks so much for your kind words, advice and experiences. This has all been such a whirlwind. I didn't expect to feel so down about about the whole experience and so fearful about the future. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time and appreciate our adorable little guy who is here safe and sound!

erinsurfer · March 2013

My son was i. the nicu for about two weeks. i had gone in to my doc and my blood pressure was really high they sent me to ld and they hooked me up for about 4 hours. they sent me home but the next day they made me come back and stay. my so. had a growth. restriction. i felt really bad that he was in the nicu.

MinaE01 · March 2013

It is totally normal to feel guilt. It's hard but you need to convince yourself that nothing you did caused this. In fact, you saved his life! There's nothing more important than that. He is so very lucky to have you. I felt the same guilt. It eases with time. Appreciate the fact that he's here, he's safe and soon he'll be home with you!

ahollo02 · March 2013

Your feelings are normal! Welcome and congrats on that baby!!!

Sunglow28 · March 2013

I so feel for you - I could have wrote the part about the emotional turmoil and worry for your child's safety.

I chose a vaginal birth for my twins and it went very badly, leading to one vaginal birth followed by a super emergency section. I mean, head of MFM screaming "Now! Now! Now!" while they waited for me to go under. My little boy's heart had stopped. It was so traumatizing. I was sick that I had tried for a vaginal birth. I was worried that I had caused permanent harm.

However, I want to reassure you that at the time, I thought it would never feel better, but it does. The beginning piece that felt so big is now only a blip in my relationship with my boys - almost a blurred memory. It doesn't define us anymore.

I can't say for sure whether your son will be okay - mine does show some mild delays - but I can guarantee that you will adore your son no matter what challenges you may face.

Best of luck - you can do this and it will get better.

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