Back to mediation

dmndsr4eva · March 2013

I'm headed back to mediation to discuss how the new schedule is working. The new schedule is:

BD gets DS age 3 every other Weds night to Sunday. Alternating one Sunday drop off 10 am and next Sunday 5PM drop off.

I have come to terms with the 3 day visits. However, I am still not comfortable with the 4 days visits. I just feel it is way too long.

Mainly in the mediation I hope we are going to discuss holiday schedule. However if BD by chance requests a change to the regular schedule I will be countering with getting the long visit shortened.

Any suggestions or advice on what schedule to propose for a 3 year old? The reason we decided to try this schedule is because weekly short visits were too hard on all of us as it involved so many drop off's and pick up's and driving time. We live about 1 hour and 45 mins apart.

Sunday924 · March 2013

We have had SS (5) for 5 days in a row EOW since he was 5 months old.

Im confused. Are you calling the seven extra hours he gets on Sunday his extra day? I think you should just leave it. It's just a few hours.

ETA: DH also gets him 30 days in the summer.

KTdidit · March 2013

Why do you think 4 days with his dad is too long? Is it causing any anxiety with your DS? My DS(2.5) goes to his dad's EOWE Thurs 7pm - Sun 3pm, my lawyer suggested to start transitioning to Fri night - Sun night in preparation for when he starts school. BD takes Thurs night because he also lives 1.5hrs away and Wed night per Indiana parenting guidelines isn't feasible, so the extra night makes up for it. I would say you have a good regular schedule going, the changing Sunday time confuses me but if it works for you why change it?

fellesferie · March 2013

dmndsr4eva:
I'm headed back to mediation to discuss how the new schedule is working. The new schedule is:
BD gets DS age 3 every other Weds night to Sunday. Alternating one Sunday drop off 10 am and next Sunday 5PM drop off.
I have come to terms with the 3 day visits. However, I am still not comfortable with the 4 days visits. I just feel it is way too long.
Mainly in the mediation I hope we are going to discuss holiday schedule. However if BD by chance requests a change to the regular schedule I will be countering with getting the long visit shortened.
Any suggestions or advice on what schedule to propose for a 3 year old? The reason we decided to try this schedule is because weekly short visits were too hard on all of us as it involved so many drop off's and pick up's and driving time. We live about 1 hour and 45 mins apart.

You feel that the 4-day visits are too long for whom? If you feel it is too long for your DS, then I think you should come prepared with specific reasons and examples. I would also talk with your pediatrician and possibly ask for a referral to a developmental psychologist so that you can discuss your concerns with them. (I'm not being snarky, here, I'm being serious.)

When your agreement is already set, I would not personally appear before a court or mediator asking to make this kind of change without having a wealth of documentation to back me up.

If you feel the 4-day visits are too long for you, then I think this is a time when you need to not act on your feelings.

I'm not sure what to suggest as an alternative. Anything more frequent than what you have would be a hassle with nearly 2 hour driving times. Anything less frequent would be unfair to both your DS & your ex.

nattyncbride · March 2013

I have a 3 year old DS. We have 50/50 custody, and I have him M/Tues and he has him W/Thur, and we alternate F-Sun. So it's 2/5/2/5. It works well for our son, he's been doing it since he was about 1.5 yrs old. We both get him during the week, yet he's able to stay 5 days at one house for the weekend, which is nice for him. Granted, we are only 10min apart. I can see that a longer EOW Wed-Sunday would be better for you guys since you live farther apart.

I think the 3-4 day visits or whatever you want to call Wednesday-Sunday, is probably good for DS. It's a nice long period to stay put, yet not too long for you to be without him. You want him to have enough time to feel settled and bond with BD. I know he has given you trouble, but DS does deserve to have a good relationship with his dad.

Try to think about what's really important during mediation. If you are squabbling over the 7 hour time difference between 10am and 5pm, it's probably not worth it, and I don't know that it's something to leverage. I do hope you work out the schedule so that the hand-offs go smoothly for all you, especially DS. You don't want him feeling any tension. Good luck!

dmndsr4eva · March 2013

Thanks everyone. I just have to wrap my head around it. I accept the current schedule and then I have my weak moments. I know that what I currently have is pretty standard and is probably the best it's gonna get. Hopefully we will just go with what we have and he won't dispute it.

I agree that we will need to discuss in about 2 years what is going to happen when he starts school. Things are so volitale between us though I guess it's better to just not worry about that for now.

nattyncbride · March 2013

dmndsr4eva:
Thanks everyone. I just have to wrap my head around it. I accept the current schedule and then I have my weak moments. I know that what I currently have is pretty standard and is probably the best it's gonna get. Hopefully we will just go with what we have and he won't dispute it.
I agree that we will need to discuss in about 2 years what is going to happen when he starts school. Things are so volitale between us though I guess it's better to just not worry about that for now.

I agree to wait to talk about school, maybe you can put it in writing that you will discuss 6mo prior to Kindergarten, etc? We have that in writing. You just have no idea where he/you will be in 2 years, you might has well discuss closer to the time. Good luck!

mom2one · March 2013

Oh I so remember those feelings when DS was little. Every HOUR that ex had DS was so painful for me. I felt literally like I was just surviving without him. It was horrid. But...the difference between your ex and mine is that MINE was abusive. I was SCARED for DS. Your ex is a good dad. He wants more time with his child for good reasons. And you have already allowed him a lot of time. Chances are good he may get more, especially if you can not prove that time with him is harmful. Go in to mediation thinking of your son and NOT yourself. Your son will thank you for it later.

SimpleJane · March 2013

dmndsr4eva:
Thanks everyone.nbsp; I just have to wrap my head around it.nbsp; I accept the current schedule and then I have my weak moments.nbsp; I know that what I currently have is pretty standard and is probably the best it's gonna get.nbsp; Hopefully we will just go with what we have and he won't dispute it.I agree that we will need to discuss in about 2 years what is going to happen when he starts school.nbsp; Things are so volitale between us though I guess it's better to just not worry about that for now.

As a BM I completely understand not wanting to give up any time. My situation is different than yours but I literally cried for days when I finally spoke to a lawyer and they told me I was going to need to give XH more time than I thought. Those are MY babies. I put in the time/effort/nurturing/love. Why does HE get so much time?

It took me a long time to realize that a father that wants to be involved is actually a very good thing for my kids. Having a good relationship with both parents will only help them prosper, and more time with him doesn't mean they will love me any less. I hope you come to terms with all of this soon, and once the holiday schedule and everything is set in stone I hope it becomes easier for you. It's a tough thing to always put the kids first.

Littlejen22 · March 2013

Too much for who, you or DS? And if it is too hard on DS what is your proof? Honestly I think you will look horrible even if he asks for more time and you counter that you want less "because it is too much". You will look petty and difficult, it will probably make it harder with the judge and harder with ex. I really think that you are headed to 50/50 or at least ex asking for it eventually so it is in your best interest to look as reasonable as possible so that the judge does not decide that the father will be the one more likely to facilitate a relationship with the other parent. Do not go in there countering for things with no basis or it can really backfire IMHO.

hopanka · March 2013

I dont think they are headed for 50/50. The distance between them is nearly 2 hrs and in less than two years the boy will start school. With different school districts and all, there is no way. It will probably go down to standard every other weekend. You never know which side will get the EOW, though.

dmndsr4eva · March 2013

Littlejen22:
Too much for who, you or DS? And if it is too hard on DS what is your proof? Honestly I think you will look horrible even if he asks for more time and you counter that you want less "because it is too much". You will look petty and difficult, it will probably make it harder with the judge and harder with ex. I really think that you are headed to 50/50 or at least ex asking for it eventually so it is in your best interest to look as reasonable as possible so that the judge does not decide that the father will be the one more likely to facilitate a relationship with the other parent. Do not go in there countering for things with no basis or it can really backfire IMHO.

I'm not really sure what sort of expertise you have but with the distance between BD and I it is highly unlikely that BD would be awarded 50/50. By the time we get to court I will have had primary custody for 2 years and my son will be only a year away from kindergarten and is currently in preschool. With the distance between us BD cannot get him to school during the week. He would have to have really compelling arguments to get my son taken away from me his primary parent. And he does not have the smoking gun that he would need in my opinion. I am a good mother and he has no proof otherwise. I have voluntarily given him 30% time and he calls and talks to my son on my cell phone about every other day. I am not trying to keep my son from him. What pray tell do you think in this situation would give BD primary custody or 50/50?

nattyncbride · March 2013

dmndsr4eva:
I'm not really sure what sort of expertise you have but with the distance between BD and I it is highly unlikely that BD would be awarded 50/50. By the time we get to court I will have had primary custody for 2 years and my son will be only a year away from kindergarten and is currently in preschool. With the distance between us BD cannot get him to school during the week. He would have to have really compelling arguments to get my son taken away from me his primary parent. And he does not have the smoking gun that he would need in my opinion. I am a good mother and he has no proof otherwise. I have voluntarily given him 30% time and he calls and talks to my son on my cell phone about every other day. I am not trying to keep my son from him. What pray tell do you think in this situation would give BD primary custody or 50/50?

I can't speak for Jenn, but I agree that if you go in there not being reasonable, then the judge is going to find you difficult, and as she said - that might backfire. I don't know what your BD wants. I think if he wants 50/50 right now (pre-Kindergarten), he might get it b/c you are still a good 1.5 years away from Kindergarten.

I agree once school starts, you can't be doing this long distance. But again, I think a lot can change in 1.5 years. Your BD might grow closer and closer to DS, and will want to physically move closer. You both might end up moving closer for whatever reason (new SOs, jobs, etc), BD might move far away and and this will be a moot point - you just don't know. LIke you said in follow-up post, don't worry about that now.

I don't conclude from everything I have heard that BD will be awarded primary custody (I also don't think Jenn was saying he would get it right off the bat). I do think you should be prepared for 50/50 if BD wants that. You have acknowledged that this is mostly going to be hard for you. However, DS might really thrive under these conditions, and in time, you'll get more used to it. I know it's hard.

I think everyone here likes to give you some "tough love" (more tough than love) b/c you have posted some pretty insane and unreasonable things in the past and you are easy to both rattle people and get ratttled. I saw in your follow-up post that you have weak moments, but you want what's best for DS. Concentrate on that!! Good luck.

CFjo2010 · March 2013

nattyncbride:
dmndsr4eva:
I'm not really sure what sort of expertise you have but with the distance between BD and I it is highly unlikely that BD would be awarded 50/50. By the time we get to court I will have had primary custody for 2 years and my son will be only a year away from kindergarten and is currently in preschool. With the distance between us BD cannot get him to school during the week. He would have to have really compelling arguments to get my son taken away from me his primary parent. And he does not have the smoking gun that he would need in my opinion. I am a good mother and he has no proof otherwise. I have voluntarily given him 30% time and he calls and talks to my son on my cell phone about every other day. I am not trying to keep my son from him. What pray tell do you think in this situation would give BD primary custody or 50/50?
I can't speak for Jenn, but I agree that if you go in there not being reasonable, then the judge is going to find you difficult, and as she said - that might backfire.

^^ Exactly.

Dmnds, I would really like to commend you on not spewing a bunch of hatred and ill will towards BD and GF. I know this has been a long and difficult road for you, but in this post I am seeing some growth on your part. I also applaud you for owning and acknowledging that the 4 day visits are harder on you than they are on DS. Again, I think this shows a lot of growth on your part.

That being said, I have to agree that if you come across as being difficult in regards to visits then a Judge very well could change custody. It's something that is happening more and more. If the Judge feels that you are trying to interfere with DS and BD maintaining a relationship, he/she is required by law to change custody to the parent who he/she feels will be more willing to encourage a relationship with the other parent. If you don't believe me, look at the news: Usher got custody of his boys and he travels all the time, that guy in France got custody of his kids and the XW lives in New York. There have been several news stories about how the Court system is starting to wake up and realize that being "Mom" doesn't necessarily mean you (Not you specifically, I mean "you" in general) have the child's best interests at heart.

Also, as a BM whose children's DC is absent: embrace the fact that BD wants this relationship with his son. Really and truly embrace it. Because there are so many children out there (mine included) who wish their father's would stop being asshats and be involved with them and be a father.

Want a personalized experience?

Back to mediation

Re: Back to mediation

Choose Another Board

Search Boards